'ti 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


GIFT  OF 

David  Ji-eedman 


^^^ 


r 


09if  ar\d  -pl-umor 


CLASSIFIED  UNDER  APPROPRIATE  SUBJECT 
HEADINGS,  WITH,  IN  MANY  CASES,  A 
HEFERENCE    TO   A    TABLE    OF    AUTHORS 


'PHILADELPHIA 

GEORGE  W.  JACOBS  &  CO. 

103-105  S.  Fifteenth  Street 


Copyright,  1898,  by 
George  W.  Jacobs  &  Co. 


TN 
Treface       i/  ^  £ 


Scolch  Wil  and  Humor  is  a  fairly  representative 
collection  of  the  type  of  wit  and  humor  which  is  at 
home  north  of  the  Tweed— and  almost  everywhere 
else — for  are  not  Scotchmen  to  be  found  everywhere  ? 
To  say  that  wit  and  humor  is  not  a  native  of  Scotch 
human  nature  is  to  share  the  responsibility  for  an 
inaccuracy  the  author  of  which  must  have  been  as 
unobservant  as  those  who  repeat  it.  It  is  quite  true 
that  the  humor  is  not  always  or  generally  on  the  sur- 
face— what  treasure  is  ?— and  it  may  be  true,  too,  that 
the  thrifty  habits  of  our  northern  friends,  combined 
with  the  earnestness  produced  by  their  religious  his- 
tory, have  brought  to  the  surface  the  seriousness — 
amounting  sometimes  almost  to  heaviness— which  is 
their  most  apparent  characteristic.  But  under  the 
surface  will  be  found  a  rich  vein  of  generosity,  and  a 
fund  of  humor,  which  soon  cure  a  stranger— if  he  has 
eyes  to  see  and  is  capable  of  appreciation — of  the 
common  error  of  supposing  that  Scotchmen  are  either 
stingy  or  stupid. 

True,  there  may  be  the  absence  of  the  brilliancy 
which  characterizes  much  of  the  English  wit  and 
humor,  and  of  the  inexpressible  quality  which  is  con- 
tained in  Hibernian  fun  ;  but  for  point  of  neatness 
one  may  look  far  before  discovering  anything  to  sur- 
pass the  shrewdness  and  playfulness  to  be  found  in 
the  Scotch  race.  In  fact,  if  Scotland  had  no  wit  and 
humor  she  would  have  been  incapable  of  furnishing  a 
man  who  employed  such  methods  in  construction  as 
were  introduced  by  the  engineer  of  the  Forth  Bridge. 

W.    H.    HOWE. 


857103 


Contents 


Page 
A  Badly  Arranged  Prayer  lOS 
A  Boadle  Magnifying  his 

Office 26 

A  Board-School  Examiner 

Floored    143 

A  Bookseller's  Knowledge 

of  Books 181 

"ACalltoaWiderSphere"    90 

A  Canny  Witness 112 

A  Case  in  which  Compari- 
sons were  Odious  .  .  .  .   7fi 

A  Castle  Stor(e)y ll'J 

A  Churl  Congratulated  .  .  l'!5 

A  Clever  "Turn" 161 

A  Comfortable  Preacher  .111 
A  Compensation  Balance  ISO 
A  Compliment  by  Return  68 
A  Conditional  Promise  .  .  87 
A  Consistent  Seceder    .  .  .  159 

A  Consoling  "If" 43 

A  Critic  on  His  Own  Criti- 
cism        ...  124 

"  A     Cross-examiner    An- 
swered"   13 

A  Crushi  ng  Argument 

asfiinst  MS  Sermons  .   .   .  176 
A  Curiously    Unfortunate 
Coincidence  in  Psalm 

Singing 164 

A  Cute  Gaoler 212 

A  Cute  Wav  of  Getting  an 

Old  Account 88 

A  Definition  of  Baptism  .  129 
A  Definition  of  "  Fou"  .  .  59 
ADescendant  of  the  Stuarts  105 
A  Descriptive  Hvmn  .  .  .195 
A  Different  Thing  Entirely    67 

A  Discerning  Fool 199 

A  Drunkard's  Thoughts  .  .  125 

A  Drv  Preacher 120 

A  False  Deal 12i 

A  Familv  Likeness    ....    30 

A  Fruitful  Field 170 

.\  Good  Judge  of  Accent  .  .  S>< 
A  Grammatical  Beggar  .   .  120  i 

(5) 


Page 

A  "Grand"  Piano     ....  147 

A  "Grave"  Hint 173 

A  Harmless  Joke 106 

A  Highland  Chief  and  His 

Doctor     170 

A  Highland   Servant  Girl 

and  the  Kitchen  Bell   .   .    97 
A    Highland   Outburst   of 
Gratitude  and  an  Inburst 

of  Hurricane 66 

A    Highlander     on    Bag- 
pipes      56 

A  Keen  Reproof 134 

A  "Kippered  "  Divine    .  .105 

A  Law  of  Nature 199 

A  Leader's  Description  of 

His  Followers 190 

A   Lecture  on    Baldness- 
Curious  Results 46 

A  Lesson  in  Manners  .   .      202 
A  Lesson  to  the  Marquis  of 

Lome 15 

A  Lofty  "Style" 126 

A  Lunatic's   Advice   to 

Money-Lenders 129 

A  Magnanimous  Cobbler   .  202 
A  ^larriage  not  made  in 

Heaven .  210 

A    Matter-of-fact      Death 

Scene 172 

A  Minor  Major 88 

A  Misdeal 103 

A  Miserly  Professor  ....    46 
A   Modern  Dumb   Devil 

(D.D.) 164 

A  Mother's  Confidence  in 

Her  Son 113 

A  Nest-egg  Noo 14 

A  New  aud  Original  Scene 

in  "Othello" 178 

A  New  Application  of 
"The    Argument    from 

Design"      174 

A  New  f'xplanation  of  an 
Extra  Cliarge 94 


6 


Contents 


Page 
A  New  Story  Book— at  the 

Time 150 

A  Night  iu  a  Coal  Cellar    .Jll 

A  Paradox •-'00 

A  Patient  Lady HO 

A  Piper's    Opinion    of    a 

Ltrd— and  Himself  .  .  .  IGS 
A  Poacher's  Praver  ....  20) 
A  Poem  (or  the  Future  .  .  108 
A  Poetical   Question   and 

Answer 1?1 

A  Poor  Place  for  a  Cadger  1-f'.) 
A  Powerlul  Preacher   ...    70 
A  Practical  View  of  Matri- 
mony     207 

A  Preacher  with  His  Back 

Towards  Heaven  ....  175 
A  Process  of  Exliaustion  .  1G7 
A  Ready  Student  ...  .7:! 
"A  Reduction  on  a  Series"  151 
A  Reproof  Cleverly  Di- 
verted   ,   .    32 

A  Restful  Preacher  ....  IMO 
A  Sad  Drinking  Bout  .   .   .200 

A  Sad  Loss 201 

A    Satisfactory     Explana- 
tion     119 

A  Saving  Clause 160 

ASca  thing  Scottish 
Preacher     in     Finsbury 

Park      155 

A  Scotch  Curtain  Lecture 

on  Profit  and  Pain  .  ...  59 
A  Scotch  Fair  Proclamation 

of  Olden  Days 153 

A     Scotch      Matrimonial 

Jubilee 12.") 

A  Scotch  "  Native"  .  ...  98 
A  Scotch  "Squire"  ....  33 
A  Sc.pteh"  Supply"  .  .  .  .109 
A  Scotch  Version   of  the 

Lives  of  Esau  and  Jacob    C2 
A  Scotch  View  of   Shake- 
speare   58 

A  Sensible  Lass 200 

A  Sensible  Servant  .  .  .  .202 
A  Serious  Dog— and  for  a 

Serious  Reason IGl 

A  Sexton's  Criticism    .   .   .is:? 

A  Shrewd  Replv     ^3 

•'  A  Sign  of  (irace,"     .   .    .  li'3 
A  Spiritual  Barometer    .   .174 
A  .-ti  anger  in  the  Court  of 
Session 198 


Page 
A  Successful  Tradesman    .    01 
A  Sympathetic  Hearer    .   .    87 
A  Teetotal  Preacher  Asks 
for  "A  Glass  "—and  Gets 

It 107 

A  Test  of  Literary  Appre- 
ciation      207 

A  Thoughtless  Wish  .  .  .107 
A  Thrifty  Proposal    ....  123 

A  Typical  Quarrel 7L 

A  Variety  Entertainment  .  194 
A  Viirorou.s  'I'ranslaiion  .   .  195 
A    Whole-witted    Sermon 
from  a  Half-witted 

Pieacher 135 

A  Widow's  Promise  ....  117 
A  Wife's  Protection  ....  100 

A"  Wigging" 204 

Absence  of  Humor — Illus- 
trated   146 

Absent  in  Mind,  and  Body 

too 208 

Acts  of  Parliament  "Ex- 
hausted " 173 

Adviie  on  Nursing    .   .   .   .  1'24 

Advice  to  an  M.  P H8 

"After  you,  Leddies"  .  .207 
" 'Alice' Brown, the  Jaud"  50 
An  Affectionate  Aunt  .  .  .  199 
An  Angry  Preacher  ....  Ill 
An  Authorand  His  Printer  134 
An  harl's  Pride  and  Parsi- 
mony     127 

Xn  Economical  Preacher's 

Bad  Memory 92 

An  Epitaph  to  Order  .  .  .lot 
An"  Exceptional  Prayer"  118 
An  Extra  Shillingto Avoid 

a  Calamity 206 

An    Idiot's   Views  of  In- 
sanity   113 

An     Instance     of  Scott's 

Pleasantry 36 

An  Observant  Husband  .  .  29 
An  Open  Question  ....  102 
,\n  Out-of-the-way  Reproof  ll'< 
Another  Opportunity  .  .  .211 
Ai)pearing     "in    Three 

Pieces" 73 

"As(;nid  Deid  asLeevin  "  58 
At  the  End  of  Uis  Tether  1'23 

Bad  Arithmeticians  Often 
Good  Bookkeeper   .   .    .   131 


Contents 


Page 

'•  Before  the  Provost"  ...  195 
Begiuniug^  Life  where  he 

ought   to   have   Euded, 

and  Vice  Versa 80 

Better  than  a  Countess  .  .  114 
"Bock        Again!"— A 

Prompt  Answer 104 

Bolder   than    Charles  the 

Bold 137 

Born  Too  Late 175 

Both  Short 193 

Broader  Than  He  Was  Long  205 
"  Brothers"  in  Law  .  .  .29 
"Bulls"  in  Scotland    ...   29 

Canny  Dogs 68 

Capital  Punishment  ....  35 
"Capital    Punishment"— 

Modified 60 

Caring  for  Their  Minister    .  19 

Catechising 201 

Church  Economy  ....  60 
Church  Popularity  ....  197 
Choosing  a  Minister  .   ...    77 

Compensation 81 

Compul.sory  Education  and 

a  Father's  Remedy  ...  34 
Concentrated  Caution  .  .  .  173 
"Consecrated"  Ground  .75 
Consoled   by  a   Relative's 

Lameness      41 

Curious     Delusion      Con- 
cerning Light 41 

Curious  Idea  of  the  Evi- 
dence for  Truth  .  .  .37 
Curio\is  Misunderstanding  131 
Curious  Pulpit  Notice  .  .  .141 
Cuiious  Sentence.  .  .  .42,08 
Curious  Use  of  a  Word  ...    91 

Dead  Shot 34 

Deathbed  Humor 17  i 

Detinition  of  Metaphysics  .  131 
Degrees  of  Capacity  ....    95 
Denominational  Graves  .   .  196 
Depression  — Delight  —  De- 
spair  126 

"Discretion  —  the     Better 

Part  of  Valor" 51 

Disq\ialified     to      be     a 

Country  Preacher  ....  122 
Dii-tiibntii'.g    His    Praises 
with  Discernment ....   22 


Page 
Disturbed  Devotions  ...  110 
Domestics  in  By-gone  Daysl02 

Double  Meanings 17 

Drawing  an  Inference  .  .  182 
Drinking  by  Candle-light  121 
Driving  the  Deevil  Got  .  .    70 

Droll  Solemnity 93 

Drunken  Wit 117 

Dry  Weather, 'and  Its  Ef- 
fect on  the  Ocean  ....   37 

Earning  His  Dismissal    .    57 

"Eating      Among     the 

Brutes" 110 

•'Eftectual  Calling"  .  .  142 
Either    Too   Fast  or   Too 

Slow 97 

English    versus    Scotch 

Sheep's  Heads 33 

Entrance     Free,     and 

"  Everything  Found  "  .  .161 
Escaping  Punishment  .  .  196 
"Every  Man  to  His  Own 

Trade" 73 

Extraordinary  Absence  of 

Mind 104 

"Faint  Heart  Never 
■Won    Fair  Lady"  .   .       63 

Faring  Alike 102 

Fetching  His  "Character"  96 
Finding  Work  for  His  Class  91 

Fool  Finding 75 

Forcing  a  Judge  to  Obey 

the  Law 132 

"  Fou-Aince" 181 

Fowls  and  Ducks !  .  .  .  .  84 
From  Different  Points  of 

View 74 

From  Pugilism  to  Pulpit    .158 

"  Gathering  Up  the  Frag- 
ments"    169 

Ginger  Ale 87 

Giving  Them  the  Length  of 
His  Tongue 166 

Going  to  Kamoth  Gilead  .182 

Going  to  the  Doctor's  and 
"Taking"  Something  .  .    76 

Good  Enough  to  Give 
Away 120 

Good  "for  Nothing"— Not 
the  Goodness  Worth 
Having 78 


8 


Contents 


Page 

"Grace"   With    No    Meat 

After 142 

Gratifying  Industry  !  .  .  . '20S 
Grim  Humor J22 

Ham  and  Cheese 150 

Happy    Escape    from    an 

Angry  Mob 43 

"  Haste"  and  "  Leisure"  .111 
"  Haudin'  His  Stick".  .  .  38 
"  Having  the  Advantage"  16G 
"Hearers     Only — Not 

Doers" 88 

Heaven     Before    it    Was 

Wanted 41 

Helping  Business 48 

Highland  Happiness ...  18 
Highland  Simplicity  .  .  .  8J 
Highland  Warldliness  .  .  200 
His  Own,  with  "  Interest"  Vj6 
His  Word    and    His   Bond 

Equally  Binding    ....  131 
Holding  a  Caudle  to  the 

Suu 121 

Honest  Johnny  M'Cree  .   .    40 
How  Greyhounds  are  Pro- 
duced   203 

How  to  E.xtermiuate  Old 

Thieves 8^ 

How  to  Treat  a  Surplus  .  .  8'J 
Husband  !  Husband  !  Cease 

Your  Strife  ! I"i4 

Hume  Canonized IGO 

Inconsistencies  of  "  God's 

People" 151 

Indiscriminate    Humor  .   .    39 
Ingenious  Remedy  for  Ig- 
norance   200 

lnvisit)le    and    Incompre- 

honsible 96 

It  Takes  Two  to  Fight  .  .  190 
It's  a  Gran'  Nicht 55 

"Kaming"  Her  Ain  Head  171 

Keeping  His  Threat  at  His 
Own  Expense 145 

"Knowledge— It  Shall 
Vanish  Away  " 100 

Knox  and  ClaVerhouse  .   .  153 

Landseer's  Deadly  Influ- 
ence    ....    89 

Laugliing  in  the  Pulpit — 
Witli  txplanaiion  ....    37 


Page 
"Law"      Set    Aside     by 

"  Gospel  ' 106 

Leaving    the    Lawyers    a 

Margin 129 

Less  Sense  Than  a  Sheep  .  41 
I  wessons   in  Theology  ...   15 

"Lichts  Oot!  " 107 

Light  Through  a  Crack  .   .    14 

Lights  and  Livers 193 

Living  With  His  Uncle  .   .  10)5 
Looking  After  Himself.   .193 
Looking  Before  Leaping    .  107 
Lord    Clancarty   and    the 
Roman    Catholic    Chap- 
lain       113 

Lord  Cockburn  Con- 
founded   201 

Lord  Mansfield  and  a 
Scotch  Barrister  on 
Proniniciation     ....  114 

Losing  His  Senses 51 

Lost  Dogs 80 

"  Lost  Labor  " 14J 

"  Making  Hay  While  the 

Sun  Shines  " 112 

Mallet,  Plane,  and  Sermon 

—All   Wooden 23 

Marriages  W  hich  are  Made 
in    Heaven  —  How    Re- 

veale<l 115 

"  Married  !" —not  "Liv- 
ing"     79 

Matrimony    a    Cure      for 

Blindness 93 

Matter  More  than  Manner    90 
Mannderings  by  a  Scotch- 
man   ' 184 

Meanness  versus  Crustiness  192 

Mending  Matters !i5 

Mental  Aberration  ....  7(1 
.Minding  His  Business  ...  79 
Modern  Improvements  .  .  152 
More    Polite    than    Some 

Smokers 100 

More  Witty  Than  True    .  .  136 

Mortal  Humor 176 

Mortifying  Unanimity  .  .  43 
Motive  for  Church  Going  .  142 
Multum  in  Parvo   .....    62 

National  Thrift  Exempli- 
fied     94 

Neirer  the  Bottom  than 
the  Top 175 


Contents 


9 


Pago 


New  Stylo  of  Riding  in  a 
Funeral  Procession   .   . 

New  Use  for  a  "  C'oss*  '•    .   . 

"  No  Better  tliiin  Pharaoh  " 

No  Compliments 

No  End  to  His  Wit  .   .    .    . 

"No  Lord's  Dav  !"    .   .   .   . 

•   No  Koad  This  Way  !  "  .   . 

No  Wonder! 

Not  all  Profit 

Not  at  Home 

Not  "  in  Ciiains"  .   . 

Not  Neees<arily  Out  of  His 
Depth  .   .  

Not  One  of  "The  Estab- 
lishment"       

Not Qurtlitied  to  Baptize   . 

Not  Quite  an  Ass 

Not  Surprised 

Not  Up  to  Sample 

Not  Used  to  It  .....   . 

"  Nothing,"  and  How  to 
See  It 


ll--) 

9') 

}r.i 

•.'02 

12'.) 

S4 

l.->0 

'J  7 

S9 

101 

1C3 

98 

143 
213 
'212 
2!0 
116 
141 

133 


Objecting    to    Long   Ser- 
mons     161 

Objecting   to    "Regenera- 
tion"     30 

Objecting      to      Scotch 

"Tarmes" 140 

Official    Consolation    and 

Callousness 139 

"Old  Bags" 107 

"OldClo"- 197 

One  •'  Always  Rieht,"  the 

Other  "  Never  Wrong"        14 
One  Scotchman  Outwitted 

by  Another 214 

One  Side  of  Scotch  Humor  M2 
"  uo  "— with  Variations  .  .  llfi 
Ornithology 207 

Paris    and    Peebles    Con- 
trasted   .   .       57 

Passing  Remarks 197 

Patriotism  and  Economy  .  1.54 
Peier  Peeble's  Prejudice    .   'aA 

Pie,  or  Patience? b9 

"  Plain  Scotch" J9 

Plain  Speakiug 93 

Plaving  at  Ghosts  ....  157 
Pleasant  Prospect  Beyond 

the(Jrave 1S8 

"Plucked!" SO 


Page 

Popularity  Tested  by  the 

Collection 118 

Practical  Piety 172 

Practical  Thrift 75 

•'  Prayer,  with  Thanks- 
giving"   '206 

Praying  for  Wind 109 

Pretending  to  Make  a  Will  133 
Prince     Albert    and    the 

Ship's  Cook 77 

Prison  Piety 61 

Prof.  Aytoun'sCouitship     209 

Prophesying       130 

Providing  a  Mouthful  for 

the  Cow 14^ 

Pulpit  Aids 7& 

Pulpit  Eloquence 183 

Pulpit  Familiarity    ....  16-5 

Pnlpit  Foolery 138 

"Purpose."  not "  Perform- 
ance," Heaven's  Stand- 
ard     147 

Putting  off  a  Duel  and 
Avoiding  a  Quarrel  ...  206 

Quaint    Old     Edinburgh 

Ministers 21-5 

Qualifications  for  a  Chief  .  26 
Question  and  Answer  .  .  .127 
Quid  pro  Quo 34 

Radically  Rude 168 

Reasons  For  and  Against 

Organs  in  Kirk 31 

"Reflections" 28 

Refusing  Information  ...  85 
Relieving       His       Wife's 

Anxiety 168 

Religious  Loneliness  ...  61 
Remarkable    Presence   of 

Mind 86 

Remembering  Each  Other  115 
Reproving  a  Miser    ....   83 
"  Rippets"  and  Humility  .  170 
Rival  Anatomists  in  Edin- 
burgh University    ....    49 

Rivalry  in  Praver 179 

Robbing  on  Credit .   .   .  75,  127 
Rustic  Notion  of  the  Resur- 
rection     128 

Sabbath  Breaking    ....    85 

Sabbath  Zeal 1'23 

"Saddling  the  Ass"  .   .   .  .Kri 


10 


Contents 


Piire 

Salmon  or  Sermon  ....  104 
Sandy's  Reply  to  the  Sherirt'lJO 
Sandy  Wood  s  Proposal  of 

INIarriage 40 

Satisfactory  Security    ...  114 

Scoring  a  Point 13 

Scotch      Caution     versus 

Suretiship 105 

Scotch  "  Fashion  "  ....  18 
Scotch  Ingenuity    ....  Vol 

Scotch  Literaluess 9.S 

Scotch  "Paddy" S'l 

Scotch  Provincialisms  .  .  100 
Scotch  Undergraduates  and 

I'unerals r,9 

Scotchmen  Everywhere  .  .  1^0 
Scottisli  Negativeness  .  .  .    inj 
Scottish  Patriotism  ....  1-17 
Scottish  \  ision  and  Cock- 
ney Chaff 107 

Scripture  Examination  .  .    S7 
Sectarian  Kesemblancts     .  166 
Seeking,    Not    Help,    but 
Information —and   Getr 

ting  It 84 

Sendnig  Him  to  Sleep  .  .  l"vj 
ShiikL-spearu— Nowhere  .  .  I'l'J 
Sharpening  His  Teeth     .  .    92 

Sheridan's  Pauses 2C8 

"  Short  Commons"   .   .   .   .  137 

Short  Measure l^~ 

Significant  Advice    .  .   .  .204 
Silencing     English    Inso- 
lence     48 

Simplicity   of   a   Collier's 

Wife lOS 

Sleepy  Churchgoers  ....  170 
Speaking  Figuratively  .  .112 
Speaking  from  "Notes"  .  74 
Speeding      the       Parting 

Uuest 192 

Spiking  an  Old  Gun  ....  156 

Spinning  It  Out 100 

Siilendid  Use  for  Bagpipes  171 

Square  Headed 84 

Strange   Reason    for    Not 
Increasing    a  Minister's 

Stipend 183 

StranKer>— "  I'Maw.ires  "— 

Not  Always  Angels    ...    28 
Stratagem     of    a     Scotch 

Pedlar 80 

Steeple  or  People'?  .  .  .  .  ITiO 
Stretching  It 69 


Page 

Sunday  Driniting 181 

Sunday  Shaving  and  Milk- 
ing     70 

Sunday  Thoughts  on  Rec- 
reation     167 

"  Surely  the  Net  is  Spread 
in  Vain  in  the  Sight  of 
Any  Bird" 64 

Taking  a  Light  Supper  .128 
"  Terms—'  Cash  Down  '  "  .  132 
"The"  and  "The  Oilier"    1'j7 

The  Best  Crap 210 

The  Best  Time  to  Quarrel  .  1 16 
The  Book  Worms  ....  148 
The    Chieftain    and    the 

Cabby 88 

The    End    Justifying   the 

Means 43 

The  Fall  of  Adam  ai:d  Its 

Consequences 84 

The    Fly-lisher    and    the 

Highland  Lassie  ....  101 
The  Force  of  Habit  .  .  .  20i 
The    Highlander  and  the 

Angels 8a 

The  Horse  that  Kept  His 

Promise 144 

The  Importance  of  Quan- 
tity in  Scholarship  ...  3.1 
The Journeynian  Dog.  .  .  60 
The  Kirk  of  Lamington  .  .  149 
The  Man  at  the  Wheel  .  .156 
The  Mercv  of  Providence  .  59 
The  "Minister's  Man"  .  .177 
The     Parson     and     His 

"Thirdly" 136 

The  Philosophy  of  Battle 

and  Victory 154 

The  Prophet's  Chamber  .   .  160 
The  Queen's  Daughters — 
or    "  Appearances   were 

Against  Them" 116 

The     "Sawbeth"     at     a 

Country  Inn 180 

The  Scotch  Mason  and  the 

Angel 135 

The  Speech  of  a  Cannibal    162 
The    Scottish    Credit   Sys- 
tem         .     35 

The  .Selkirk  Grace     .   .   .   .  151 
The  Shape  of  the  Earth  .   .  178 
The  Shoemaker  and  Small 
Feet 137 


Contents 


11 


Page 
The  Same  with  a  Differ- 
ence   1"9 

"The  Spigot's  Oot"     ...  11*3 
The    '-Tables"    of    "the 

Law" 110 

The  Value  of  a  Laugh  in 

Sickness 92 

"  The  Weaker  Vessel"    .   .    '.9 
"There    Maun    Be    Some 

Faut" 172 

"Things     which    Accom- 

panv  Salvation"    ....  192 
"  Though  Lost  to  Sight— to 

Memory  Dear"       .   .   .   .  15o 
Three  Sisters  All  One  Age  .    ]!> 

Tired  of  S'taudiug 61 

"To -Memory 'Dear'"         .    78 
Too  Canny  to  Admit  Any- 
thing Particular 42 

Too  Much  Light— and  Too 

Little 31 

Touching    Each    Other's 

Limitations 165 

True    (perhaps)    of  Other 

Places  than  Dundee  .  .  .13" 
Trying  One  Grave  First .   .    W 
Trying  to  Shift  the  Job    .  .    94 
Turning  His  Father's  Weak- 
ness to  Account 36 

"  Two  Blacks  Don't  Make 

a  White" 158 

Two  Good  Memories    ...    S3 
Two  Methods  of  Getting  a 

Dog  Out  of  Church    .   .   .  174 
Two  Qnestions  on  the  Fall 

of  Man 162 

Two    Views  of   a   Divine 

Call 58 

Two    Ways    of    Mending 

\\ay5 160 


Page 

Unanswerable 75 

"Uncertainty     of     Life," 
from  Two  Good  Points  of 

View 148 

"Unco'  Modest;' :.0 

Unusual  for  a  Scotchman  .134 
Ursa  Major"     .......  207 

Using  Their  Senses    ....    24 

Vanity     Scathingly     Re- 
proved      20-3 

"Verra  Wcel  Pitched"  .  .118 
Virtuous  Necessity    ....    27 

Was   He   a   Liberal  or   a 

Tory  ? 123 

Walloping  Jndas 56 

Watty  Dunlop's  Sympathy 

forOrphans 18 

Wcr>h  Parritch  and  Wersh 

Kisses 198 

"What's the  Lawiu',Las.s?"190 
When  Asses   may   not  be 

Parsons 62 

Why  Israel  made  a  Golden 

Calf f2 

Why  Janet  Slept    During 

Her  Pastor's  tfermon  ...    99 

Why  Not? 133 

Whv  Saul  Threw  a  Javelin 

at  David 182 

Whv  the  Bishops  Disliked 

the  Bible 139 

Will  any  Gentleman  Oblige  ■ 

"a  Lady"? 150 

Winning  the  Race  Instead 

of  the  Battle 207 

Wiser  than  Solomon  ....  152 
"  Wishes  Never  Filled  the 

Bag" Ill 

Wit   and    Humor    Under 

Difficulties 198 


LIST     OF     KNOWN     WORKS    AND 
AUTHORITIES    QUOTED 

{Iiidiiatfd  in  the   Text  by  a  Corresponding  Number) 

Life  and  Labor 


I 
2 
3 
4 
5 
6 

7 

8  National  Fun 

9  Anecdotes  oj  the  Clei 


§y 


10 

1 1 

12  Rab  and  His  Frioids 

1 3  Memoir  of  R.  Oiambers 

14  liLemoyials 

15  ... 

16  ... 

iS    Turkey  in  Europe 

19  All  the  Yea?-  Round 

20  i?^rf  Gauntlet 
21 

23 

24 

25 
26 

12 


(Smiles 

.    (Robert  Burns 

(Pall  Mall  Gazette 

(Dr.  Chas.  Stewart 

(Norman  Macleod 

.    (Dr.  Begg 

.     (Dean  Ramsay 

(Maurice  Davies 

(Jacob  Larwood 

(William  Arnott 

MoNCURE  D.  Conway 

(Rev.  John  Brown 

(William  Chambers 

(Lord  Cockburn 

(Dr.  Guthrie 

(Anonymous 

(Daily  News 

(Colonel  J.  Baker 

(Charles  Dickens 

(Sir  Walter  Scott 

(Chambers'  Journal 

(Dr.  Hanna 

.     (Sir  W.  Scott 

(James  Hogg 

.     (Rev.  D.  Hogg 

(J.  Smith 


Scotcb  XiClit  an^  Ibumor 


Scoring  a  Point 

A  young  Englishman  was  at  a  party  mostly  com- 
posed of  Scotchmen,  and  though  he  made  several 
attempts  to  crack  a  joke,  he  failed  to  evoke  a  single 
smile  from  the  countenances  of  his  companions.  He 
became  angry,  and  exclaimed  petulantly  :  "  Why,  it 
would  take  a  gimlet  to  put  a  joke  into  the  heads  of 
you  Scotchmen." 

"  Ay,"  replied  one  of  them  ;  "but  the  gimlet  wud 
need  tae  be  mair  pointed  than  thae  jokes." 

A  Cross -Examiner  Answered 

Mr.  A.  Scott  writes  from  Paris  :  More  than  twenty 
years  ago  the  Rev.  Dr.  Arnott,  of  Glasgow,  delivered 
a  lecture  to  the  Young  Men's  Christian  Association, 
E.xeter  Hall,  upon  "  The  earth  framed  and  fitted  as  a 
habitation  for  man."  When  he  came  to  the  subject  of 
"  water"  he  told  the  audience  that  to  give  himself  a 
rest  he  would  tell  them  an  anecdote.  Briefly,  it  was 
this  :  John  Clerk  (afterwards  Lord  Eldon)  was  being 
examined  before  a  Committee  of  the  House  of  Lords. 
In  using  the  word  water,  he  pronounced  it  in  his  native 
Doric  as  "  watter."  The  noble  lord,  the  chairman, 
had  the  rudeness  to  interpose  with  the  remark,  "  In 
England,  Mr.  Clerk,  we  spell  water  with  one  "  t." 
Mr.  Clerk  was  for  a  moment  taken  aback,  but  his 
native  wit  reasserted  itself  and  he  rejoined,  "  There 
may  na  be  twa  '  t's '  in  watter,  my  lord,  but  there  are 
twa  '  n's '  in  manners."  The  droll  way  in  which  the 
doctor  told  the  story  put  the  audience  into  fits  of 
laughter,  renewed  over  and  over  again,  so  that  the 
genial  old  lecturer  obtained  the  rest  he  desired.    [3] 

13 


14  Scotcb  lUit  auD  TDumoc 

One  "  Always  Right ;  "  the  Other  "  Never  Wrong  " 
A  worthy  old  Ayrshire  farmer  had  the  portraits  of 
himself  and  his  wife  painted.  When  that  of  her  hus- 
band, in  an  elegant  frame,  was  hung  over  the  fireplace, 
the  gudewife  remarked  in  a  sly  manner  :  "  I  think, 
gudeman,  noo  that  ye've  gotten  your  picture  hung  up 
there,  we  should  just  put  in  below't,  for  a  motto,  like, 
'Aye  richt !'  " 

"Deed  may  ye,  my  woman,"  replied  her  husband 
in  an  equally  pawkie  tone;  "  and  when  ye  got  yours 
hung  uj)  ower  the  sofa  there,  we'll  just  put  up  anither 
motto  on't,  and  say,  '  Never  wrang  !  '  " 

"  A  Nest  Egg  Noo  !  " 

An  old  maid,  who  kept  house  in  a  thriving  weaving 
village,  was  much  pestered  by  the  young  knights  of 
the  shuttle  constantly  entrapping  her  serving-women 
into  the  willing  noose  of  matrimony.  This,  for  various 
reasons,  was  not  to  be  tolerated.  She  accordingly 
hired  a  woman  sufficiently  ripe  in  years,  and  of  a 
comple.xion  that  the  weather  would  not  spoil.  On 
going  with  her,  the  first  day  after  the  term,  to  "  make 
her  markets,"  they  were  met  by  a  group  of  strapping 
young  weavers,  who  were  anxious  to  get  a  peep  at  the 
"  leddy's  new  lass." 

One  of  them,  looking  more  eagerly  into  the  face  of 
the  favored  handmaid  than  the  rest,  and  then  at  her 
mistress,  could  not  help  involuntarily  exclaiming, 
*'  Hech,  mistress,  ye've  gotten  a  nest  egg  noo  !  " 

Light  Through  a  Crack 

Sorfie  years  ago  the  celebrated  Edward  Irving  had 
been  lecturing  at  Dumfries,  and  a  man  who  passed  as 
a  wag  in  that  locality  had  been  to  hear  him. 

He  met  Watty  Dunlop  the  following  day,  who 
said,  "Weel,  Willie,  man,  an'  what  do  ye  think  of 
Mr.  Irving  ?  " 

"Oh,"  said  Willie,  contemptuously,  "the  man's 
crack't." 

Dunlop  patted  him  on  the  shoulder,  with  a  quiet 
remark,  "  Willie,  ye'll  aften  see  a  light  peeping 
through  a  crack  !  "    [7] 


Scotcb  IClit  anD  Ibumov  15 

A  Lesson  to  the  Marquis  of  Lome 
The  youthful  Maccallum  Wore,  who  is  now  allied  to 
the  Ro'val  Fainilv  of  Great  Britain,  was  some  years 
ago  driving  four-in-hand  in  a  rather  narrow  pass  on 
hts  father's  estate.  He  was  accompanied  by  one  or 
two  friends— jolly  young  sprigs  of  nobility  — who 
appeared,  under  the  influence  of  a  very  warm  day 
and  in  the  prospect  of  a  good  dinner,  to  be  wonder- 
fully hilarious. 

In  this  mood  the  party  came  upon  a  cart  laden  with 
turnips,  alongside  which  the  farmer,  or  his  man, 
trudged  with  the  most  perfect  self-complacency,  and 
who,  despite  frequent  calls,  would  not  make  the 
slightest  effort  to  enable  the  approaching  equipage  to 
pass,  which  it  could  not  possibly  do  until  the  cart  had 
been  drawn  close  up  to  the  near  side  of  the  road. 
With  a  pardonable  assumption  of  authority,  the 
marquis  interrogated  the  carter  :  "  Do  you  know  who 
I  am,  sir?"  The  man  readily  admitted  his  ignorance. 
"Well,"  replied  the  young  patrician,  preparing 
himself  for  an  effective  denouement,  "  I'm  the  Duke 
of  Argvll's  eldest  son  !  " 

"  Deed,"  quoth  the  imperturbable  man  of  turnips, 
"  an'  I  di'nna  care  gin  ye  were  the  deevil's  son  ;  keep 
ye' re  ain  side  o'  the  road,  an'  I'll  keep  mine." 

It  is  creditable  to  the  good  sense  of  the  marquis,  so 
far  from  seeking  to  resist  this  impertinent  rejoinder, 
he  turned  to  one  of  his  friends,  and  remarked  that 
the  carter  was  evidently  "  a  very  clever  fellow." 

Lessons  in  Theology 
The  answer  of  an  old  woman  under  examination 
by  the  minister,  to  the  question  from  the  Shorter 
Catechism,  "What  are  the  decrees  of  God?"  could 
not  have  been  surpassed  by  the  General  Assembly  of 
the  Kirk,  or  even  the  Synod  of  Dart,  "  Indeed,  sir, 
He  kens  that  best  Himsell." 


An  answer  analogous  to  the  above,  though  not  so 
pungent,  was  given  by  a  catechumen  of  the  late  Dr. 
Johnston  of  Leitli.     She  answered  his  own  question. 


16  Scotcb  Tillit  aiiD  Ibumor 

patting  him  on  the  shoulder  :  "  Deed,  just  tell  it 
yersell,  bonny  doctor  (he  was  a  very  handsome  man) ; 
naebody  can  tell  it  l>fctter." 


A  contributor  (A.  Halliday)  to  All  Ihe  Year  Round, 
in  1865,  writes  as  follows  : 

When  I  go  north  of  Aberdeen,  I  prefer  to  travel  by 
third  class.  Your  first-class  Scotchman  is  a  very 
solemn  person,  very  reserved,  very  much  occupied  in 
maintaining  his  dignity,  and  while  saying  little,  appear- 
ing to  claim  to  think  the  more.  The  people  whom 
you  meet  in  the  third-class  carriages,  on  the  other 
hand,  are  e.vtremely  free.  There  is  no  reserve  about 
them  whatever  ;  they  begin  to  talk  the  moment  they 
enter  the  carriage,  about  the  crops,  the  latest  news, 
anything  that  may  oc:ur  to  them.  And  they  are  full 
of  humor  and  jocularity. 

My  fellow-passengers  on  one  journey  were  small 
farmers,  artisans,  clerks,  and  fishermen.  They  dis- 
cussed everything,  politics,  literature,  religion,  agri- 
culture, and  even  scientific  matters  in  a  light  and  airy 
spirit  of  banter  and  fun.  An  old  fellow,  whose  hands 
claimed  long  acquaintance  with  the  i>low,  gave  a 
whimsical  description  of  the  parting  of  the  Atlantic 
telegraph  cable,  which  set  the  whole  carriage  in  a 
roar. 

"  Have  you  ony  shares  in  it,  Sandy?  "  said  one. 

"  Na,  na,"  said  Sandy.  "  I've  left  off  speculation 
since  my  wife  took  to  wearing  crinolines;  I  canna 
afford  it  noo." 

"  P'at  d'ye  think  of  the  rinderpest,  Sandy?" 

"  Weel,  I'm  thinking  that  if  my  coo  tak's  it,  Tibbie 
an'  me  winna  ha'muckle  milk  to  our  tay." 

The  knotty  question  of  predestination  came  up  and 
could  not  be  settled.  When  the  train  stopped  at  the 
ne.\t  station,  Sandy  said  :  "  Bide  a  wee,  there's  a 
doctor  o'  deveeiiity  in  one  o'  the  first-class  carriages. 
I'll  gang  and  ask  him  fat  he  thinks  aboot  it."  And 
out  Sandy  got  to  consult  the  doctor.  We  could  hear 
him  parleying  with  the  eminent  divine  over  the  car- 
riage door,  and  presently  he  came  running  back,  just 


Scotcb  XUit  auD  iDumot  17 

as  the  train  was  starting,  and  was  bundled  in,  neck 
and  crop,  by  the  guard. 

"Weel,  Sandy,"  said  his  oppugner  on  the  pre- 
destination question,  "  did  the  doctor  o'  deveenity  gie 
you  his  opinion  ?  " 

"  Ay,  did  he." 

"  An'  fat  did  he  say  aboot  it  ?  " 

"Weel,  he  just  said  he  dinna  ken  an'  he  dinna 
care." 

The  notion  of  a  D.  D.  neither  kenning  nor  caring 
about  the  highly  important  doctrine  of  predestination, 
so  tickled  the  fancy  of  the  company  that  they  went 
into  fits  of  laughter.      [38] 

Double  Meanings 
A  well-known  idiot,  named  Jamie  Frazer,  belonging 
to  the  parish  of  Lunan,  in  Forfarshire,  quite  sur- 
prised people  sometimes  by  his  replies.  The  con- 
gregation of  his  parish  had  for  some  time  distressed 
the  minister  by  their  habit  of  sleeping  in  church.  He 
had  often  endeavored  to  impress  them  with  a  sense  of 
the  impropriety  of  such  conduct,  and  one  day  when 
Jamie  was  sitting  in  the  front  gallery  wide  awake, 
when  many  were  slumbering  round  him,  the  clergy- 
man endeavored  to  awaken  the  attention  of  his 
hearers  by  stating  tlie  fact,  saying  :  "You  see  even 
Jamie  Frazer,  the  idiot,  does  not  fall  asleep  as  so 
many  of  you  are  doing."  Jamie  not  liking,  perhaps, 
to  be  designated,  coolly  replied,  "An'  I  hadna  been 
an  idiot  I  wad  ha'  been  sleepin',  too."     [7] 


Another  imbecile  of  Peebles  had  been  sitting  in 
church  for  some  time  listening  to  a  vigorous  declama- 
tion from  the  pulpit  against  deceit  and  falsehood.  He 
was  observed  to  turn  red  and  grow  uneasy,  until  at 
last,  as  if  wincing  under  the  supposed  attack  upon 
himself  i)ersonally,  he  roared  out :  "  Indeed,  meen- 
ister,  there's  mair  lears  in  Peebles  than  me."      [7] 


A  minister,  who  had  been  all  day  visiting,  called  on 
an  old  dame,  well  known  fur    her  kindness  of  heart 
2 


18  Scotcb  ITut  anD  Ibumor 

and  hospitalit}',  and  begged  the  favor  of  a  cup  of  tea. 
This  was  heartily  accorded,  and  the  old  woman 
bustled  about,  getting  out  the  best  china  and  what- 
ever rural  delicacies  were  at  hand  to  lionor  her  unex- 
pected guest.  As  the  minister  sat  watching  these 
preparations,  his  eye  fell  on  four  or  five  cats  devour- 
ing cold  porridge  under  the  table. 

"  Dear  me  !  what  a  number  of  cats,"  he  observed. 
*'  Do  they  all  belong  to  you,  Mrs.  Black  ?  " 

"  No,  sir,"  replied  his  hostess  innocenth'  ;  "  but  as 
I  often  say,  a'  the  hungry  brutes  i'  the  country  side 
come  to  me  seekin'  a  meal  o'  meat." 

The  minister  was  ratlier  at  a  loss  for  a  reply. 

Scotch  "  Fashion  " 

The  following  story,  told  in  the  "  Scotch  Remin- 
iscenses  "  of  Dean  Ramsay,  is  not  without  its  ]>oint 
at  the  present  day  :  "  On  a  certain  occasion  a  new 
pair  of  ine.xpressibles  had  been  made  for  the  laird  ; 
they  were  so  tight  that,  after  wa.xing  hot  and  red  in 
the  attempt  to  try  them  on,  he  /c7  ot/i  rather  savagely 
at  the  tailor,  who  calmly  assured  him,  '  It's  the 
fashion — it's  the  fashion.' 

"  '  Eh,  ye  haveril,  is  it   the  fashion   for  them  no'  lo 

go  our''    [7] 

Wattle  Dunlop's  Sympathy  for  Orphans 

Many  anecdotes  of  pithy  and  facetious  replies  are 
recorded  of  a  minister  of  the  South,  usually  distin- 
guished as  "  Our  Wattie  Dunlop."  On  one  occasion 
two  irreverent  young  fellows  determined,  as  they  said, 
to  "  taigle  "  (confound)  the  minister.  Coming  up  to 
him  in  the  High  Street  of  Dumfries,  they  accosted 
him  with  much  solemnity  :  "  Maister  Dunlop,  hae  ye 
heard  the  news?"  "  What  news  ?  "  "  Oh,  the  deil's 
dead."  "  Is  he  ?  "  said  Mr.  Dunloj),  "then  I  maun 
praj'  for  twa  faitherless  bairns."      [7] 

Highland  Happiness 
Sir  Walter  Scott,  in  one  of  his  novels,  gives  expres- 
sion  to    the    height     of    a    Highlander's    happiness  : 
Twenty-four   bagi:)ipes  assembled  together  in  a  small 
room,  all  playing  at  the  same  time  different  tunes.  [23! 


Scotcb  Ulit  anO  IDumor  19 

Plam  Scotch 

Mr.  John  Clerk  (afterwards  Lord  Eldon),  in  plead- 
ing before  the  House  of  Lords  one  day,  happened  to 
sav  in  his  broadest  Scotch  accent :  "  In  plain  English, 
ma  lords." 

"Upon  which  a  noble  lord  jocosely  remarked  :    "  In 
plain  Scotch,  you  mean,  Mr.  Clerk." 

The  prompt  advocate  instantly  rejoined  :  "  Nae 
matter  !  in  ])lain  common  sense,  ma  lords,  and  that's 
the  same  in  a'  languages,  ye'll  ken." 

Caring  for  Their  Minister 
A  minister  was  called  in  to  see  a  man  who  was  very 

ill.     After   finishing   his   visit,  as  he  was  leaving  the 

house,  he  said  to  the  man's  wife  :   "My  good  woman, 

do  you  not  go  to  any  church  at  all  ?  " 

"  Oh  yes,  sir  ;  we  gang  to  the  Barony  Kirk." 
"Then    why   in  the  world  did  you  send  for  me? 

Why  didn't  you  send  for  Dr.  Macleod  ?  " 

"  Na,  na,  sir,  'deed  no;   we   wadna   risk  him.       Do 

ye  no  ken  it's  a  dangerous  case  of  typhus  ?  " 

Three  Sisters  All  One  Age 
A  Highland  census  taker  contributed  the  following 
story  to  Chambers' :  I  had  a  bad  job  with  the  Miss 
M'Farlanes.  They  are  three  maiden  ladies— sisters. 
It  seems  the  one  would  not  trust  the  other  to  see  the 
census  paper  filled  up  ;  so  they  agreed  to  bring  it  to 
me  to  fill  in. 

"Would  you  kindly  fill  in  this  census  paper  for 
us?"  said  Miss  M'Farlane.  "My  sisters  will  look 
over  and  give  you  their  particulars  by  and  by." 

Now,  Miss  M'Farlane  is  a  very  nice  lady;  though 
Mrs.  Cameron  tells  me  she  has  been  calling  very  often 
at  the  manse  since  the  minister  lost  his  wife.  Be  that 
as  it  may,  I  said  to  her  that  I  would  be  happy  to  fill  up 
the  paper  ;  and  asked  her  in  the  meantime  to  give 
me  her  own  i:)articulars.  When  it  came  to  the  age 
column,  she  jilayed  with  her  boot  on  the  carpet,  and 
drew  the  black  ribbons  of  her  silk  bag  through  her 
fingers,  and  whispered  :  "You  can  say  four-and-thirty, 
Mr.  M'Lauchlin."      "AH  right,  ma'am,"  says  I  ;   for  I 


20  Scotcb  van  anD  Ibumor 

knew  slie  was  four-and-thirty  at  any  rate.  Then  Miss 
Susan  came  over — that's  the  second  sister — really  a 
handsome  young  creature,  with  fine  ringlets  and  curls, 
though  she  is  a  little  tender-eyed,  and  wears  spec- 
tacles. 

Well,  when  we  came  to  the  age  column,  Miss  Susan 
played  with  one  of  her  ringlets,  and  looked  in  my 
face  sweetly,  and  said  :  "  Mr.  M'Lauchlin,  what  did 
Miss  M'Farlane  say?  My  sister,  you  know,  is  con- 
siderably older  than  I  am — there  was  a  brother 
between  us." 

"Quiteso,  my  dear  MissSusan,"  said  I ;  "but  you  see 
the  bargain  was  that  each  was  to  state  her  own  age." 

"Well,"  said  Miss  Susan,  still  playing  with  her 
ringlets,  "  you  can  say— age,  thirty-four  years,  Mr. 
M'Lauchlin." 

In  a  little  while  the  youngest  sister  came  in. 

"  Miss  M'Farlane,"  said  she,  "  sent  me  over  for  the 
census  paper." 

"  O,  no,  my  dear,"  says  I ;  "  I  cannot  i:)art  with  the 
paper." 

"Well,  then,"  said  she,  "just  enter  my  name,  too, 
Mr.  M'Lauchlin." 

"  Quite  so.  But  tell  me,  Miss  Robina,  why  did 
Miss  M'Farlane  not  fill  up  the  paper  herself?" — for 
Miss  Robina  and  I  were  always  on  very  confidential 
terms. 

"  Oh,"  she  replied,  "there  was  a  dispute  o\-ev  par- 
ticulars  ;  and  Miss  M'Farlane  would  not  let  my  other 
sister  see  how  old  she  had  said  she  was  ;  and  Miss 
Susan  refused  to  state  her  age  to  Miss  M'Farlane; 
and  so,  to  end  the  quarrel,  we  agreed  to  ask  you  to 
be  so  kind  as  to  fill  in  the  paper." 

"Yes,  yes.  Miss  Robina,"  said  I;  "that's  quite 
satisfactory  ;  and  so,  I'll  fill  in  your  name  now,  if  you 
please." 

"Yes,"  she  uttered,  with  a  sigh.  When  we  came 
to  the  age  column — "  Is  it  al)solutely  necessary,"  said 
she,  "to  fill  in  the  age?  Don't  you  think  it  is  a  most 
impertinent  question  to  ask,  Mr.  M'Lauchlin  ?" 

"  Tuts,  it  may  be  so  to  some  folk  ;  but  to  a  sweet 
j'oung  creature  like  you,  it  cannot  matter  a  button." 


Scotch  Xait  anC»  roumor  21 

"Well,"  said  Miss  Robina  —  "  but  now,  Mr. 
M'Lauchlin,  I'm  to  tell  you  a  great  secret  "  ;  and  she 
blushed  as  she  slowly  continued  :  "  The  minister 
comes  sometimes  to  see  us." 

•'  I  /lave  noticed  him  rather  more  attentive  in  his 
visitations  in  your  quarter  of  late,  than  usual,  Miss 
Robina." 

"Very  well,  Mr.  M'Lauchlin;  but  you  must  not 
tease  me  just  now.  You  know  Miss  M'Farlane  is  of 
opinion  that  he  is  in  love  with  her  ;  while  Miss  Susan 
thinks  her  taste  for  literature  and  her  knowledge  of 
geology,  especially  her  pamphlet  on  the  Old  Red 
Sandstone  and  its  fossils  as  confirming  the  old  Mosaic 
record,  are  all  matters  of  great  interest  to  Mr.  Frazer, 
and  she  fancies  that  he  comes  so  frequently  for  the 
privilege  of  conversing  with  her.  But,"  exclaimed 
Miss  Robina,  with  a  look  of  triumph,  "  look  at  that  !  " 
and  she  held  in  her  hand  a  beautiful  gold  ring.  "I 
have  got  that  from  the  minister  this  very  day  I  " 

I  congratulated  her.  She  had  been  a  favorite  pupil 
of  mine,  and  I  was  rather  pleased  with  what  hap])ened. 
"But  what,"  I  asked  her,  "  has  all  this  to  do  with 
the  census  ?  " 

"  Oh,  just  this,"  continued  Miss  Robina.  "  I  had 
no  reason  to  conceal  my  age,  as  Mr.  Frazer  knows  it 
exactly,  since  he  baptized  me.  He  was  a  young 
creature  then,  only  three-and-twenty  ;  so  that's  just  the 
difference  between  us." 

"  Nothing  at  all,  Miss  Robina,"  said  I;  "nothing 
at  all  ;   not  worth  mentioning." 

"  In  this  changeful  and  passing  world,"  said  Miss 
Robina,  "  threeand-twenty  years  are  not  much  after 
all,  Mr.  M'Lauchlin  I" 

"  Much  !  "  said  I.  "  Tuts,  my  dear,  it's  nothing- 
just,  indeed,  what  should  be." 

"  I  was  just  thirty-four  last  birthday,  Mr.  M'Lauch- 
lin," said  Miss  Robina;  "and  the  minister  said 
the  last  time  he  called  that  no  young  lady  should 
take  the  cares  and  responsibilities  of  a  household 
upon  herself  till  she  was  —  well,  eight-and-twenty  ; 
and  he  added  that  thirty-four  was  late  enough." 
"  The  minister,  my  dear,  is  a  man  of  sense." 


22  Scotcb  Ulit  anD  ILsumor 

So  thus  were  the  Miss  M'Farlanes'  census  schedules 
filled  up ;  and  if  ever  some  one  in  search  of  the 
curiosities  of  the  census  should  come  across  it,  he 
may  think  it  strange  enough,  for  he  will  find  that  the 
three  sisters  jVI'Farlane  are  all  ae  year's  bairns  ! 

Distributing  His  Praises  with  Discernment 

'Will  Stout  was  a  bachelor  and  parish  licadle, 
residing  with  his  old  mother  who  lived  to  the  age  of 
nearly  a  hundred  years.  In  mature  life  he  was  urged 
by  some  friends  to  take  a  wife.  He  was  very  cautious, 
however,  in  regard  to  matrimony,  and  declined  the 
advice,  e.xcusing  himself  on  the  ground  "  that  there 
are  many  things  you  can  say  to  your  mither  you 
couldna  say  to  a  fremit  (strange)  woman." 

While  beadle,  he  had  seen  four  or  five  different 
ministers  in  the  jjarish,  and  had  buried  two  or  three 
of  them.  And  although  his  feelings  became  somewhat 
blunted  regarding  the  sacredness  of  graves  in  general, 
yet  he  took  a  somewhat  tender  care  of  the  spot  where 
the  ministers  lay.  After  his  extended  experience,  he 
was  asked  to  give  his  deliberate  judgment  as  to  which 
of  them  he  had  liked  best.  His  answer  was  guarded  ; 
he  said  he  did  not  know,  as  they  were  all  good  men. 
But  being  further  pressed  and  asked  if  he  had  no 
preference,  after  a  little  thought  he  again  admitted 
that  they  were  all  "guid  men,  guid  men;  but  Mr. 
Mathieson's  claes  fitted  me  best." 

One  of  the  new  incumbents,  knowing  Will's  interest 
in  the  clothes,  thought  that  at  an  early  stage  he  would 
gain  his  favor  by  presenting  him  with  a  coat.  To 
make  him  conscious  of  the  kindly  service  he  was 
doing,  the  minister  informed  him  that  it  was  almost 
new.  Will  took  the  garment,  examined  it  with  a 
critical  eye,  and  having  thoroughly  satisfied  himself, 
pronounced  it  "a  guid  coat,"  but  pawkily  added: 
"  When  Mr.  Watt,  the  old  minister,  gied  me  a  coat, 
he  gied  me  breeks  as  weel." 

The  new  minister,  who  was  fortunately  gifted  with 
a  sense  of  humor,  could  not  do  less  than  complete 
Will's  rig-out  from  top  to  toe,  and  so  established  him- 
self as  a  permanent  favorite  with  the  beadle. 


Scotcb  "mit  auD  IDumor  23 

Mallet,  Plane  and  Sermon— All  Wooden 
In  olden  times,  the  serviceable  beadle  was  armed 
with  a  small  wooden  "  nob"  or  mallet,  with  which  he 
was  quietly  commissioned  to  "  tap  "gently  but  firmly 
the  heads  of  careless  sleepers  in  church  during  the 
sermon.     An  instance  to  hand  is  very  amusing. 

In  the  old  town  of  Kilbarchan,  which  is  celebrated 
in  Scottish  poetry  as  the  birthplace  of  Habbie  Simpson, 
the  piper  and  verse  maker  of  the  clachan,  once  lived 
and  preached  a  reverend  original,  whose  pulpit  minis- 
trations were  of  the  old-fashioned,  hodden-gray  type, 
being  humdrum  and  innocent  of  all  spirit-rousing 
eloquence  and  force.  Like  many  of  his  clerical 
brethren,  he  was  greatly  annoyed  every  Sunday  at 
the  sight  of  several  of  his  parishioners  sleeping 
throughout  the  sermon.  He  was  especially  angry 
with  Johnny  Plane,  the  village  joiner,  who  dropped 
off  to  sleep  every  Sunday  afternoon  simultaneously 
with  the  formal  delivery  of  the  te.xt.  Johnny  had 
been  "  touched  "  by  the  old  beadle's  mallet  on  several 
occasions,  but  only  in  a  gentle  though  persuasive 
manner.  At  last,  one  day  the  minister,  provoked 
beyond  endurance  at  the  sight  of  the  joiner  soundly 
sleeping,  lost  his  temper. 

"Johnny  Plane!"  cried  the  reverend  gentleman, 
stopping  his  discourse  and  eyeing  the  culprit  severely, 
"  are  ve  really  sleeping  already,  and  me  no'  half 
through  the  first  head  ?  " 

The  joiner,  easy  man,  was  quite  oblivious  to  things 
celestial  and  mundane,  and  noticed  not  the  rebuke. 

"  Andra,"  resumed  the  minister,  addressing  the 
beadle,  and  relapsing  into  informal  Doric,  "  gang 
round  to  the  wast  loft  (west  gallery)  and  rap  up 
Johnny  Plane.  Gie  the  lazy  loon  a  guid  stifT  rap  on 
the  heid — he  deserves  't." 

Round  and  up  to  the  "  wast  loft  "  the  old-fashioned 
beadle  goes,  and  reaching  the  somnolent  parishioner, 
he  rather  smartly  "raps"  him  on  his  bald  head. 
Instantly,  there  was  on  the  part  of  Johnny  a  sudden 
start-u)),  and  between  him  and  the  worthy  beadle  a 
hot,  underbreath  bandying  of  words. 

Silence  restored,  the  reverend  gentleman  proceeded 


24  Scotcb  lUit  aiiD  Ibumor 

with  his  sermon  as  if  nothing  unusual  had  occurred. 
After  sermon,  Andra  met  the  minister  in  the  vestry, 
who  at  once  made  inquiry  as  to  the  "  words  "  he  had 
had  with  Johnny  in  the  gallery.  But  the  beadle  was 
reticent  and  uncommunicative  on  the  matter,  and 
would  not  be  questioned  at  the  reception  the  joiner 
had  given  his  salutary  summons. 

"  Well,  Andra,"  at  length  said  the  reverend  gentle- 
man, "  I'll  tell  ye  what,  we  must  not  be  beaten  in  this 
matter  ;  if  the  loon  sleeps  next  Sunday  during  sermon, 
just  you  gang  up  and  rap  him  back  to  reason.  It's  a 
knock  wi'  some  force  in't  the  chiel  wants,  mind  that, 
and  spare  not." 

"Deed  no,  sir"  was  the  beadle's  canny  reply. 
"I'll  no'  disturb  him,  sleepin'  or  waukin',  for  some 
time  to  come.  He  threatens  to  knock  pew-Bibles  and 
hymn-books  oot  o  me,  if  I  again  daur  to  'rap'  him 
atween  this  and  Martinmas.  If  Johnny's  to  be  kept 
frae  sleepin',  minister,  ye  maun  j'usi  pii  the  force  into 
yer  ser»io)t.'' 

Using  Their  Senses 

The  following  story  is  told  by  one  of  the  ofTicers 
•engaged  in  taking  a  census  :  One  afternoon,  I  called 
up  at  Whinny  Knowes,  to  get  their  schedule;  and 
Mrs.  Cameron  invited  me  to  stay  to  tea,  telling  me 
what  a  day  they  had  had  at  •'  Whins  "  with  the  census 
paper. 

"'First  of  all,'  said  she,  'the  master  there'  — 
pointing  to  her  husband — '  said  seriously  that  every 
one  must  tell  their  ages,  whether  they  were  married 
or  not,  and  whether  they  intended  to  be  married,  and 
the  age  and  occupation  of  their  sweethearts — in  fact, 
that  every  particular  was  to  be  mentioned.  Now, 
Mr.  M'Lauchlin,  our  two  servant  lasses  are  real  nice 
girls  ;  but  save  me  !  what  a  fluster  this  census  jiaper 
has  put  them  in.  Janet  has  been  ten  years  with  us, 
and  is  a  most  superior  woman,  with  good  sense  ;  but 
at  this  time  she  is  the  most  distressed  of  the  two. 
After  family  worship  last  night,  she  said  she  would 
like  a  word  o'  the  master  himsel'.' 

"'All  right,'  says  John,  with  a  slight  twinkle  in  his 
■eye. 


Scotcb  Wlit  anO  Ibumor  2a 

"  '  When  thej'  were  by  themselves,  Janet  stood  with 
her  Bible  in  her  hand,  and  her  eyes  fixed  on  the 
point  of  her  shoe.  'Sir,'  said  she,  'I  was  three-an'- 
thirty  last  birthday,  though  my  neighbor  Mary  thinks 
I'm  only  eight-an'-twenty.  And  as  for  Alexander'  — 
this  was  the  miller,  Janet's  reputed  sweetheart— '  he's 
never  asked  my  age  exactly  ;  and  so,  if  it's  all  the  same^ 
I  would  like  you  just  to  keep  your  thumb  upon  that. 
And  then,  as  to  whether  he's  to  marry  me  or  not,  that 
depends  on  whether  the  factor  gives  him  another 
lease  of  the  mill.  He  says  he'll  take  me  at  Martin- 
mas coming  if  he  gets  the  lease ;  but  at  the  farthest, 
next  Martimnas,  whether  or  no.' 

"'Janet,'  said  my  husband,  'you  have  stated  the 
matter  fairly  ;  there  is  nothing  more  required.' 

"And  John,  there,"  continued  Mrs.  Cameron,  "  has 
made  good  use  of  Janet's  census  return.  This  very- 
forenoon  Lady  Menzies  called  to  see  us,  as  she  often 
does.  Said  John  to  her  ladyship,  says  he:  'He's  a 
very  good  fellow,  Alexander  Christie,  the  miller— a 
superior  man.  I'm  sorry  we  are  like  to  lose  him  for 
a  neighbor.' 

"  '  I  never  heard  of  that,'  said  her  ladyship.  '  He 
is  a  steady,  honest  man,  and  a  good  miller,  I  believe. 
I  should  be  sorry  to  lose  him  on  the  estate.  What  is 
the  cause  of  this?  ' 

"  '  Oh,'  replied  my  husband,  '  it  seems  the  factor  is 
not  very  willing  to  have  a  new  lease  of  the  mill  with- 
out one  being  built.  Your  ladyship,'  added  John, 
'  can  see  what  Alexander  is  after.' 

"  '  Oh,  yes,  I  understand,'  said  she,  laughing.  '  I 
will  try  and  keep  the  miller  '  ;  and  off  she  set  without 
another  word.  Down  the  burnside  she  goes,  and 
meets  Alexander,  with  a  bag  of  corn  on  his  back,  at  the 
mill-door.  When  he  had  set  it  down,  and  was  wiping; 
the  perspiration  off  his  brow  with  the  back  of  his  hand. 
Lady  Menzies  said:   'You  are  busy  to-day,  miller.' 

"  '  Yes,  my  lady,'  said  he ;   '  this  is  a  busy  time.' 

"  '  I  wonder,'  said  her  ladyship,  coming  to  the  point 
at  once,  '  that  a  fine  young  fellow  like  you  does  not 
settle  down  now  and  take  a  wife,  and  let  me  have  the 
pleasure  of  seeing  you  as  a  tenant  always  with  us.' 


26  Scotcb  THIltt  anD  Ibumor 

"'You  wouldn't,  my  lady,'  said  the  miller,  'have 
me  bring  a  bird  before  I  had  a  cage  to  put  it  in.  The 
factor  grudges  to  build  me  a  house  ;  therefore,  I  fear 
I  must  remove.' 

"  '  Well,  Christie,'  said  her  ladyship  with  great  glee, 
'you'll  look  out  for  the  bird,  and  leave  it  to  me  to 
find  the  cage.' 

"  '  It's  a  bargain,  my  lady,'  said  Alexander.  '  My 
father  and  my  grandfather  were  millers  here  for  many 
a  long  year  before  me ;  and  to  tell  the  truth,  I  was 
reluctant  to  leave  the  old  place.' 

"  In  the  course  of  the  forenoon,  the  miller  made  an 
errand  up  the  burn  to  the  '  Whin?,'  for  some  empty 
bags  ;  and  as  we  had  already  got  an  inkling  of  what 
had  passed  between  him  and  Lady  Menzies,  I  sent 
Janet  to  the  barn  to  help  him  look  them  out.  When 
Janet  returned,  I  saw  she  was  a  little  flurried,  and 
looked  as  if  there  was  something  she  wished  to  say. 
In  a  little  while  —  'Ma'am,'  says  she  to  me,  'I'm 
no'  to  stop  after  Martinmas.' 

"'No,  Janet?'  says  I.  'I'm  sorry  to  hear  that. 
I'm  sure  I've  no  fault  to  find  with  you,  and  you  have 
been  a  long  time  with  us.' 

"  '  I'm  not  going  far  away,'  said  Janet,  with  some 
pride ;  '  the  bairns  will  aye  get  a  handful  of  groats 
when  they  come  to  see  us  ! ' 

"So  you  see,  Mr.  M'Lauchlin,  what  a  change  this 
census  paper  of  yours  has  brought  about." 

"  Ay,  ay,  good  wife,"  said  Whinny  Knowes,  laugh- 
ing ;  "  Altliough  you  have  lost  a  good  servant,  you 
must  admit  that  I've  managed  to  keep  the  miller." 

Qualifications  for  a  Chief 
When  Glengarry  claimed  the  chieftainship  of  the 
Macdonald  clan,  the  generally  acknowledged  chief 
wrote  to  him  as  follows  :  "  Mv  df;ar  Glengarry  : 
As  soon  as  you  can  prove  yourself  my  chief  I  shall 
be  ready  to  acknowledge  you.  In  the  meantime,  I 
am,  y'oiirs,  Macdonald." 

A  Beadle  Magnifying  His  Of^ce 
The  story  of  Watty  Tinlin,  the  half-crazy  beadle  of 


Scotcb  lUit  anD  Ibumor  27 

Hawick  parish,  illustrates  the  license  which  was,  on 
certain  occasions,  supposed  to  be  due  to  his  office. 
One  day  Wat  got  so  tired  of  listening  to  the  long  ser- 
mon of  a  strange  minister,  that  he  went  outside  the 
church,  and  wandering  in  the  direction  of  the  river 
Teviot,  saw  the  worshipers  from  the  adjoining  parish 
of  Wilton  crossing  the  bridge  on  their  way  home. 

Returning  to  the  church  and  finding  the  preacher 
still  thundering  away,  he  shouted  out,  to  the  aston- 
ishment ai'.d  relief  of  the  exhausted  congregation  : 
"Say,  amen,  sir;  say  amen!  Wulton's  kirk's  comin 
ower  Teviot  Brig  !  " 

No  Wonder ! 

The  Lord  Provost  of  a  certain  well-known  city  in 
the  north  had  a  daughter  married  to  a  gentleman  of 
the  name  of  Baird  ;  and  sj^eakir.g  of  names  of  several 
friends,  he  happened  to  remark  :  "  My  grandmother 
was  a  Huisband,  and  my  mother  a  Man,"  these  having 
been  the  maiden  names  of  the  ladies. 

"  Why,  in  that  case,"  said  the  celebrated  Dr.  Greg- 
ory, who  happened  to  be  present,  "  we  may  the  less 
wonder  at  your  daughter  having  got  a  Baird." 

Virtuous  Necessity 

Robbie  Fairgrieve  was  sexton  as  well  as  kirk-beadle 
in  a  Roxburghshire  parish,  and  despite  the  solemn 
duties  attaching  to  his  vocation,  was  on  the  whole  a 
genial  man,  about  equally  fond  of  a  joke  and  a  good 
dram.  In  fact,  Robbie  was  affected  with  a  chronic 
"spark  in  his  throat"  which  was  ill  to  quench,  and 
was,  indeed,  never  fairly  extinguished  during  the  fifty 
years  he  officiated  as  kirk-beadle  and  sexton.  One 
day,  the  minister  of  the  parish  met  Robbie  coming 
home  from  a  visit  to  Jedburgh  fair  nuich  sooner  than 
was  expected,  he  (Robbie)  having  found  the  fair  pain- 
fully dty,  in  the  sense  of  an  unprecedented  absence  of 
friendly  drams.  Curious  to  know  the  cause  of  the 
beadle's  quick  return,  the  luinister  inquired  as  to  the 
reason  of  such  correct  conduct,  since  most  of  his  fellow- 
parishioners  would  likely  stay  out  the  fair. 

"Oh,  sir,"  said  Robbie,  "  huz  yins  (us  ones)  wha 


28  Scotcb  liolit  anD  Ibumor 

are  'pponsible  kirk-officers"  (alluding  to  the  minister 
and  himself),  "  should  aye  strive  to  beguid  ensamples 
to  the  riff-raff  o'  the  fiock." 

Strangers — "  Unawares  " — Not  always  Angels 

Dr.  Ferguson's  first  residence  in  Peebleshire  was  at 
Neidpath  Castle,  which  was  then  just  about  to  fall  into 
its  present  half-ruinous  state.  On  settling  there,  he 
told  his  family  that  it  was  his  desire  that  any  respect- 
able people  in  the  neighborhood  who  called  should  be 
received  with  the  utmost  civility,  so  that  they  might 
remain  on  pleasant  terms  with  all  around.  Ere  many 
days  had  elapsed,  a  neatly-dressed,  gentleman-like 
little  man  was  shown  into  Dr.  Ferguson's  own  room, 
and  entered  easily  into  miscellaneous  conversation. 
The  bell  for  their  early  family-dinner  ringing  at  the 
time,  the  courteous  professor  invited  his  visitor  to  join 
the  family  in  the  dining-room,  which  he  readily  con- 
sented to  do.  The  family,  remembering  their  father's 
injunction,  of  course  received  the  unknown  with  all 
possible  distinction,  and  a  very  lively  conversation 
ensued.  Dr.  Ferguson,  however,  expressed  his  con- 
cern to  see  that  his  guest  was  eating  very  little — 
indeed,  only  making  an  appearance  of  eating — and  he 
confessed  his  regret  that  he  had  so  little  variety  of 
fare  to  offer  him. 

"  Oh,  doctor,"  said  the  stranger,  "  never  mind  me: 
the  fact  is,  on  killing  days  I  scarcely  ever  have  any 
appetite." 

Not  small  was  the  surprise,  but  much  greater  the 
amusement  of  the  family,  on  discovering  that  he  of  the 
stingy  appetite  was  Robert  Smith,  the  Peebles  butcher, 
and  that  the  object  of  his  visit  was  merely  to  bespeak 
Dr.  Ferguson's  custom  ! 

"Reflections  " 

A  young  preacher  was  holding  forth  to  a  country- 
congregation,  with  rather  more  show  than  substance  ; 
after  discussing  certain  heads  in  his  way,  he  informed 
his  audience  that  he  would  conclude  with  a  few  reflec- 
tions. 

An  old  man,  who  seemed  not  greatly  gratified,  gave 


Scotch  XClit  and  tbumor  29 

a  significant  shrug  of  his  shoulders,  and  said  in  a  low 
tone  of  voice,  "Ye  needna  fash.  There'll  be  plenty 
o'  reflections  I'se  warn  ye,  though  ye  dinna  mak'  ony 
yersel'." 

An  Observant  Husband 

Willie  Turnbull  and  his  wife  used  to  sup  their  even- 
ing meal  of  brose  out  of  one  "  cog,"  but  the  gudewife 
generally  took  care  to  place  the  lump  of  butter  at  one 
side  of  the  dish,  which  she  carefully  turned  to  her  own 
side  of  the  table.  One  night,  however,  Mrs.  Turnbull 
inadvertently  turned  the  "  fat  side  "  from  her,  and  did 
not  discover  her  error  till  she  was  about  to  dip  in  her 
spoon.  She  could  not,  without  e.vposing  her  selfish- 
ness, actually  turn  the  bowl  round  before  her  husband, 
but  the  butter  she  must  have,  and  in  order  to  obtain 
it  she  resorted  to  artifice. 

"Willie,"  said  she,  as  if  seized  with  a  sudden 
inspiration,  "  isn't  this  a  queer  world  ?  I'm  tell't  that 
it  just  turns  round  and  round  about,  as  I  micht  take 
this  bowl  and  turn  it  round  this  way,"  and  she  pre- 
pared to  suit  the  action  to  the  word. 

Willie,  however,  saw  this  at  a  glance,  and  promptly 
stopped  the  practical  illustration,  saying,  "  Ay,  ay, 
Maggie,  the  world's  queer  enough,  but  you  just  let  it 
stand  still  e'enow,  and  the  brose  bowl,  too  !  " 

"Bulls  "  in  Scotland 

Two  operatives  in  one  of  the  Border  towns  were 
heard  disputing  about  a  new  cemetery,  beside  the 
elegant  railing  of  which  they  were  standing.  One  of 
them,  evidently  disliking  the  continental  fashion  in 
which  it  was  being  laid  out,  said  in  disgust,  "  I'd 
rather  dee  than  be  buried  in  sic  a  place  !  " 

"Weel,  it's  the  verra  reverse  wi'  me,"  said  the 
other,  "for  I'll  be  buried  naewhere  else  if  I'm 
spared." 

"Brothers"  in  Law 

A  countryman,  going  into  the  Court  of  Session,  took 
notice  of  two  advocates  at  the  bar,  who,  being  engaged 
on  opposite  sides  of  the  case  in  hand,  wrangled  with 
and  contradicted  each  other  severely,  each  frequently, 


30  Scotcb  Mit  anO  Ibumor 

however,  styling  his  opponent  "brother."  The 
countryman  observed  to  a  bystander  that  there  did 
not  seem  to  be  much  brotherly  love  between  them. 
"  Oh,"  said  he,  "  they're  only  brothers  in  law." 
"  I  suppose  they'll  be  married  on  twa  sisters,  then," 
replied  he  ;  "  and  I  think  it's  just  the  auld  story  ower 
again— freen's  'gree  best  separate." 

A  Family  Likeness 

Some  soldiers,  quartered  in  a  country  village,  when 
they  met  at  the  roll-call  were  asking  one  another  what 
kind  of  quarters  they  had  got  ;  one  of  them  said  he 
had  very  good  quarters,  but  the  strangest  landlady 
ever  he  saw— she  always  took  him  off.  A  comrade 
said  he  would  go  along  with  him  and  would  take  her 
off.  He  went  and  offered  to  shake  hands  with  her, 
saying,  "  How  are  you,  Elspa?" 

"  Indeed,  sir,"  said  she,  "  ye  hae  the  better  o'  me; 
I  dinna  ken  ye." 

"Dear  me,  Elspa,"  replied  the  soldier,  "d'ye  no 
ken  me  ?     I'm  the  devil's  sister's  son." 

"  Dear,  save  us  !  "  quoth  the  old  wife,  looking  him 
broadly  in  the  face;  "  'od  man,  but  ye're  like  your 
uncle!" 

"Unco'  Modest" 
A  Scottish  witness  in  the  House  of  Lords  once  gave 
in  a  rather  dictatorial  style  his  notions  as  to  the  fail- 
ings in  the  character  of  Irishmen  and  Englishmen. 

He  was  allowed  to  say  his  say,  and  when  out  of 
breath  Lord  Lucan  asked  him  to  oblige  the  committee 
with  his  ideas  relative  to  Scotch  character. 

"Aweel,  my  laird,  they're  just  on  the  contrary, 
unco'  modest  and  "—the  rest  of  the  sentence  was 
drowned  in  uproarious  merriment. 

Objecting  to  "Regeneration" 

"What  is  the  meaning  of  '  regeneration,'  Tommy?  " 
asked  a  teacher  in  the  north,  of  one  of  the  most  prom- 
ising pupils. 

"  It  means  '  to  be  born  again,'  sir,"  was  the  answer. 

"  Quite  right,  quite  right,  my  man.  Would  you  like 
to  be  born  again,  Tommy  ?  "  said  the  examiner. 


Scotcb  van  anC>  Ibumor  31 

"  Ko,  sir,  I  wadna,"  replied  the  heretical  youth, 
boldly. 

"  Indeed,  laddie,  and  wha  for  no'?"  inquired  the 
astounded  preceptor. 

"  Because,  sir,"  answered  Tommy,  "  I'm  fear'd  I 
might  be  born  a  lassie." 

Reasons  For  and  Against  Organs  in  Kirk 

At  a  certain  gathering  of  Presbyterian  clergymen 
one  of  them  urged  that  organs  should  be  introduced 
in  order  to  draw  more  young  people  to  the  church  ; 
upon  which  an  old  minister  remarked  that  this  was 
acting  on  the  principle  of  "  O  whistle,  an'  I'll  come  to 
ye,  my  lad  !  " 

Too  Much  Light  and  Too  Little 

A  parish  minister  in  Stirlingshire,  noted  for  his  par- 
simonious habits,  had  his  glebe  land  wholly  cropped 
with  corn  upon  one  occasion.  After  the  ingatherings 
of  harvest,  news  reached  him  that  a  considerable  fall 
in  prices  was  expected,  and  he  ordered  his  serviceable 
"  man,"  John,  to  get  the  corn  threshed  and  taken  to 
market  with  all  possible  speed.  Now  the  beadle,  hav- 
ing a  well-founded  hatred  for  his  master's  greed,  set 
about  his  work  in  his  ordinary  style — a  slow,  if  sure, 
process.  John's  style,  however,  did  not  on  this  occa- 
sion please  the  minister,  who  ordered  him  to  get 
through  with  the  task,  even  though  he  should  get  it 
done  by  candle-light. 

"Weel,  weel,"  said  the  beadle;  "say  nae  mair 
aboot  it ;  it'll  be  done,  sir,  e'en  as  ye  desire." 

Ne.xt  day  the  minister,  hearing  the  sound  of  the  flail, 
entered  the  barn  to  see  what  progress  was  being  made 
with  the  work,  when,  to  his  astonishment  and  anger, 
he  found  his  beadle  "flailing"  away  with  migiit  and^ 
main,  and  a  candle  burning  brightlj*  on  each  side  of 
the  threshing-floor. 

"  What's  this  I  see?  What's  the  meaning  of  this?  " 
demanded  his  master.  "Candles  burning  in  broad 
daylight !  " 

"Oh,  contain  yersel',  sir — contain  yersel',"  replied 
John  with  provoking  coolness.     "  I'm  daein'  nae  mair 


32  Scotcb  llllit  anD  Ibumor 

than  ye  bade  me,  for  I'm  daein'  tlie  job  liiaith  by  day- 
licht  and  by  can'le-liclit." 

The  beadle,  after  being  severely  lectured  on  liis 
extravagant  conduct,  was  ordered  to  take  the  candles 
to  the  kitchen,  and  henceforth  and  at  all  times  he  was 
to  be  dejjrived  of  their  use. 

One  night  shortly  after,  a  message  came  to  the  min- 
ister that  one  of  his  parishioners,  who  lived  at  a  dis- 
tance, was  supposed  to  be  dying,  and  was  anxious  to 
see  him.  John  was  dispatched  to  saddle  the  horse; 
and  his  master  set  about  ec]uii)ping  himself  for  the 
journey.  He  then  stepi)ed  across  to  where  John  was 
waiting  with  the  animal,  and  seizing  the  reins,  was 
about  to  mount,  when  suddenly,  seeing  a  pair  of  horns 
on  the  crest  of  the  steed,  he  shouted  :  "  What  in  all 
the  earth  is  this  you  have  done,  John?  " 

The  beadle,  cotnically  peering  in  the  darkness  at 
the  creature,  exclaimed  :  "  I  declare,  sir,  if  I  hav'na 
saddled  the  coo  instead  o'  the  horse,  for  the  want  o' 
can'le-licht  !" 

A  Reproof  Cleverly  Diverted 

The  i:)unctuality  which  reigned  over  the  domestic 
regulations  of  Dr.  Chalmers  was  sometimes  not  a  little 
inconvenient  to  his  guests. 

His  aunt,  while  living  in  the  house,  a])pearing  one 
morning  too  late  for  breakfast,  and  well  knowing  what 
awaited  her  if  she  did  not  "  take  the  first  word  o' 
flyting,"  thus  diverted  the  exj^ected  storm. 

"  Oh  !  Mr.  Chalmers,"  she  exclaimed,  as  she  entered 
the  room,  "  I  had  such  a  strange  dream  last  night  ;  I 
dreamt  that  you  were  dead.  And  I  dreamt,"  she 
continued,  "that  the  funeral  cards  were  written  ;  and 
the  day  came,  and  the  folk  came,  and  the  hour  came  ; 
but  what  do  you  think  happened?  Why,  the  clock 
had  scarce  done  chapi)ing  twelve,  which  was  the  hour 
named  in  the  cards,  when  a  loud  knocking  was  heard 
in  the  coffin,  and  a  voice,  gey  peremptory  and  ill- 
pleased  like,  came  out  of  it,  saying,  '  Twelve's  chap- 
pit,  and  ye're  no  liftin'  ! '  " 

The  doctor  was  too  fond  of  a  joke  not  to  relish  thiy 
one  ;  and,  in  the  hearty  laugh  which  followed,  the 
ingenious  culprit  escaped.     [22] 


Scotch  xmit  anD  Tbumoc  33 

A  Scotch  «'  Squire  " 

"  Wliat  name,  sir  ?  "  said  a  booking  clerk  at  a  coach 
office  in  Paisley,  to  a  person  who  was  applying  for  a 
seat  in  the  Glasgow  coach. 

"  What  hae  ye  to  dae  wi'  my  name,  gin  I  gie  ye  the 
siller  ?  "  replied  the  applicant. 

"  I  require  it  for  the  way-bill  ;  and  unless  j^ou  give 
it,  you  can't  have  a  place  in  the  coach,"  said  the  clerk. 

"  Oh  !  gin  that  be  the  case,  I  suppose  ye  maun 
hae't.  Weel,  then,  my  name's  John  Tamson  o'  Butter 
Braes,  an'  ye  may  put  'Esquire'  till't,  gin  j-e  like; 
at  least,  I  live  on  my  ain  farm." 

Peter  Peebles'  Prejudice 
"  Ow,  he  is  just  a  weed  harum-scarum  creature,  that 
wad  never  take  his  studies  ;  daft,  sir,  clean  daft." 

"Deft!"  said  the  justice;  "what  d'ye  mean  by 
deft— eh?" 

"Just  Fifish,"  replied  Peter;  "  wowf — a  wee  bit  by 
the  East — Nook,  or  sae  ;  it's  common  case — the  ae  half 
of  the  warld  thinks  the  titherdaft.  I  have  met  folk  in 
my  day  that  thought  I  was  daft  mysell  ;  and,  for  my 
part,  I  think  our  Court  of  Session  clean  daft,  that  have 
had  the  great  cause  of  Peebles  against  Plainstanes 
before  them  for  this  score  of  years,  and  have  never 
been  able  to  ding  the  bottom  of  it  yet."    [20] 

English  versus  Scotch  Sheep's  Heads 

A  Scottish  family,  having  removed  to  London,  wished 
to  have  a  sheep's  head  jirepared  as  they  had  been 
accustomed  to  have  it  at  home,  and  sent  the  servant 
to  i>rocure  one. 

"  Mv  gude  man,"  said  the  girl,  "  I  want  a  sheep's 
head.'' 

"  There's  plenty  of  them,"  replied  the  knight  of  the 
knife,  "  choose  one  for  yourself." 

"  Na,  na,"  said  she,  "  I  want  ane  that  will  sing 
(singe)." 

"  Go,  you  stupid  girl,"  said  he,  "  whoever  heard  of 
a  sheep's  head  that  could  sing?" 

"Why,"  said  the  girl  in  wrath,  "it's  ye  that's 
Stupid  ;  for  a' the  sheep's  heads  in  Scotland  can  sing; 

3 


34  Scotcb  XUit  anD  "toumor 

but  I  jalouse  your  English  sheep  are  just  as  grit  fules 
as  their  owners,  and  can  do  naething  as  they  ocht." 

Seeking,  not  Help,  but  Information,  and  Getting  It 

The  landlord  of  the  hotel  at  the  foot  of  Ben  Nevis 
tells  a  story  of  an  Englishman  stumbling  into  a  bog 
between  the  mountain  and  the  inn,  and  sinking  up  to 
his  armpits.  In  danger  of  his  life  he  called  out  to  a 
tall  Highlander  who  was  passing  by,  "  How  can  I  get 
out  of  this?"  to  which  the  Scotchman  replied,  "1 
dinna  think  ye  can,"  and  coolly  walked  on. 

Compulsory  Education  and  a  Father's  Remedy 

One  of  the  members  of  a  Scottish  School  Board  was 
recently  discussing  the  question  of  compulsory  educa- 
tion with  a  worthy  elector,  who  addressed  him  as 
follows:  "An'  that's  gospel,  is't,  that  ye're  gaun  to 
eddicatt  my  bairns  whuther  I  will  or  no?" 

The  member  proceeded  to  explain. 

"  Weel,  I'll  just  tell  ye.  Ye  say  they're  to  be  eddi- 
catt ;  I  say  they're  no'  an'  they  sanna.  I'll  droon 
them  first !" 

"No  Lord's  Day!" 

In  a  certain  district  in  the  Highlands,  the  bell-man 
one  day  made  the  following  proclamation  :  "  O  yes,  O 
yes,  and  O  yes ;  and  that's  three  times  !  You'll  all 
pe  tak'  notice,  that  there  will  pe  no  Lord's  day  here 
ne.xt  Sabbath,  pecause  the  laird's  wife  wants  the  kirk 
to  dry  her  clothes  in  !  " 

Dead  Shot 

An  ironmonger  who  kept  a  shop  in  the  High  Street 
of  Edinburgh,  and  sold  gunpowder  and  shot,  when 
asked  by  any  ignorant  person  in  what  respect 
"  patent  "  shot — a  new  article  at  that  time — surpassed 
the  old  kind,  "  Oh,  sir,"  he  would  answer,  "  it  shoots 
deader." 

Quid  Pro  Quo 

An  old  Scottish  beggar,  with  bonnet  in  hand, 
appealed  to  a  clergyman  for  "  a  bit  of  charity."  The 
minister  put  a  piece  of  silver  into  his  hand. 

"  Thank  ye,  sir  ;  oh,  thank  ye  !  I'll  gie  ye  an  after- 
noon's hearing  for  this  ane  o'  these  days." 


Scotch  XClit  anD  Ibumoc  35 

The  Scottish  Credit  System 
An  intimation  hung  in  a  warehouse  in  Glasgow  was 
to  this  effect :  "  No  credit  given  here,  except  to  those 
who  pay  money  down," 

Scotch  "  Paddy  " 
"  Noo,  my  gude  bairns,"  said  a  schoolmaster  to  his 
class  "  there's  just  another  instance  o'  the  uncertainty 
o'  human  life  ;  ane  o'  your  ane  schulemates — a  fine 
wee  bit  lassie — went  to  her  bed  hale  and  weel  at 
night  and  rose  a  corpse  in  the  morning." 

.    The  Importance  of  Quantity  in  Scholarship 

Charles  Erskine  was,  at  the  age  of  twenty,  a 
teacher  of  Latin  in  Edinburgh  University.  On  one 
occasion,  after  his  elevation  to  the  bench,  a  young 
lawyer  in  arguing  a  case  before  him  used  a  false  Latin 
quantity,  whereupon  his  lordship  said,  with  a  good- 
natured  smile,  "  Are  you  sure,  sir,  you  are  correct  in 
your  quantity  there?  " 

The  young  counsel  nettled  at  the  query,  retorted 
petulantly,  "  My  lord,  I  never  was  a  schoolmaster." 

"  No,"  answered  the  judge,  "  nor,  I  think,  a  scholar 
either." 

Capital   Punishment 

Andrew  Leslie,  an  old  Scotchman,  always  rode  a 
donkey  to  his  work  and  tethered  him,  while  he 
labored,  on  the  road,  or  wherever  else  he  might  be. 
It  was  suggested  to  him  by  a  neighboring  gentleman 
that  he  was  suspected  of  putting  him  in  to  feed  in  the 
fields  at  other  people's  expense. 

"  Eh,  laird,  I  could  never  be  tempted  to  do  that, 
for  my  cuddy  winna  eat  anything  but  nettles  and 
thistles." 

One  day,  however,  the  same  gentleman  was  riding 
along  the  road  when  he  saw  Andrew  Leslie  at  work, 
and  his  donkey  up  to  his  knees  in  one  of  his  own 
clover  fields  feeding  luxuriously. 

•'  Hollo  !  Andrew,"  said  he,  "  I  thought  you  told 
me  your  cuddy  would  eat  nothing  but  nettles  and 
thistles." 


36  Scotcb  lUit  anD  Ibumot 

"  Ay,"  was  the  reply,  "  but  he  misbehaved  the  clay  : 
he  nearly  kicked  nie  ower  his  head,  sae  I  put  him  iu 
there  just  to  punish  him  !  " 

"  Plucked !  " 

Scotch  parish  schoolmasters  are,  on  their  appoint- 
ment, examined  as  to  tlieir  literary  qualifications.  One 
of  the  fraternity  being  called  by  his  examiner  to  trans- 
late Horace's  ode  beginning,  "  Exegi  monumentum 
cere  perennius,"  commenced  as  follows:  "Exegi 
monumentum — I  have  eaten  a  mountain." 

"  Ah,"  said  one  of  the  examiners,  "  ye  needna  pro- 
ceed any  further;  for  after  eatin' sic  a  dinner,  this 
parish  wad  be  a  puir  mouthfu'  t'  ye.  Ye  maun  try 
some  wider  sphere." 

An  Instance  of  Scott's  Pleasantry 
Sir  Walter  Scott  was  never  wanting  in  something 
pleasant  to  say,  even  on  the  most  trivial  occasions. 
Calling  one  day  at  Huntly  Burn,  soon  after  the  settle- 
ment of  liis  friend  in  that  house,  and  observing  a  fine 
honeysuckle  in  full  blossom  over  the  door,  he  congrat- 
ulated Miss  Ferguson  on  its  appearance.  She 
remarked  that  it  was  the  kind  called  trumpet  honey- 
suckle, from  the  form  of  the  flower.  "  Weel,"  said 
Scott,  "  ye' 11  never  come  out  o'  your  ain  door  without 
a  flourish  o'  trumpets." 

Turning  His  Father's  Weakness  to  Account 
Many  good  stories  are  told  of  old  Dr.  Lawson,  a 
Presbyterian  minister  in  Scotland,  who  was  so  absent- 
minded  that  he  sometimes  was  quite  insensible  of  the 
world  around  him.  One  of  his  sons,  who  afterwards 
became  a  highly  esteemed  Christian  minister,  was  a 
very  tricky  boy,  ])erliaps  mischievous  in  his  tricks. 

Near  the  manse  lived  an  old  woman,  of  crabbed 
temjjer,  and  rather  ungodly  in  her  mode  of  living. 
She  and  the  boy  had  quarreled,  and  the  result  was 
that  he  took  a  quiet  oi>])<(rtunity  to  kill  one  of  her 
hens.  She  went  immediately  to  Dr.  Lawson  and 
charged  his  son  with  the  deed.  She  was  believed  ; 
and,  as  it  was  not  denied,  punishment  was  inflicted. 


Scotcb  TMlt  anO  If^umoc  37 

He  was  ordered  to  abide  in  ilie  house ;  and  to  make 
the  sentence  more  severe  his  father  took  him  into  the 
sludy,  and  commanded  him  to  sit  there  with  him. 

The  son  was  restless,  and  frequently  eyed  the  door. 
At  !ast  he  saw  his  father  drowned  in  thought,  and 
quietly  slipped  out.  He  went  directly  to  the  old 
woman's  and  killed  another  hen,  returning  immedi- 
ately and  taking  his  jilace  in  the  library,  his  father 
having  never  missed  him. 

Tiie  old  woman  speedily  made  her  appearance,  and 
charged  the  slaughter  again  upon  him. 

Dr.  Lawson,  however,  waxed  angry — declared  her 
to  be  a  false  accuser,  as  the  boy  had  been  closeted 
with  him  all  the  time — adding  :  "  Besides,  this  con- 
vinces me  that  you  had  just  as  little  ground  for  your 
last  accusation  ;  I  therefore  acquit  him  of  both,  and 
he  may  go  out  now." 

The  woman  went  off  in  high  dudgeon,  and  the  pris- 
oner in  high  glee. 

Curious  Idea  for  the  Evidence  for  Truth 

Jean    M'Gown    had    been  telling   a  story  to  some 

friends  who  seemed  inclined  to  doubt  the  truth  thereof, 

when  Jean,  turning  round  quite  indignantly,  said,  "  It 

mon  be  true,  for  father  read  it  out  o'  a  bound  book  J  " 

Dry  Weather,  and  Its  Effects  on  the  Ocean 

The  family  of  Mr.  Torrance  were  about  leaving  the 
town  of  Strathaven,  for  America.  Tibby  Torrance, 
an  old  maiden  sister  of  Mr.  Torrance's  was  to  accomp- 
any them. 

Before  they  left,  some  of  the  neighbors  were  talking 
to  Tibby  of  the  dangers  of  the  "great  deep,"  when 
she  suddenly  e.xclaimed,  "Aweel,  aweel,  it's  been  a 
gay  dry  summer,  and  I  think  the  sea'U  no'  be 
very  deep  !  " 

Laughing  in  the  Pulpit — With  Explanation 

A  Scotch  Presbyterian  minister  stopped  one  morn- 
ing, in  the  middle  of  his  discourse,  laughing  out  loud 
and  long.  After  a  while  he  composed  his  face,  and 
finished  the  service  without  any  explanation  of  his 
extraordinary  conduct. 


ss  Scotcb  TlClit  anO  Ibumcr 

The  elders,  who  had  often  bee«  annoyed  with  his 
peculiarities,  thought  this  a  fit  occasion  to  remonstrate 
with  him.  They  did  so  during  the  noon  intermission, 
and  insisted  upon  the  propriety  of  his  making  an 
explanation  in  the  afternoon.  To  this  he  readily 
assented  ;  and  after  the  people  were  again  assembled, 
and  while  he  was  standing,  book  in  hand,  ready  to 
begin  the  service,  he  said  : 

"  Brethren,  I  laughed  in  midst  of  the  service  this 
mornin',  and  the  gude  eldership  came  and  talked 
wi'  me  aboot  it,  and  I  towld  them  I  would  make  an 
apology  to  you  at  once,  and  that  I  am  now  aboot  to 
do.  As  I  was  preaching  to  you  this  mornin',  I 
saw  the  deil  come  in  that  door  wi'  a  long  parch- 
meiiL  in  his  hand,  as  long  as  my  arm;  and 
as  he  came  up  that  side  he  tuk  down  the  names 
oi"  all  tiiat  were  asleep,  an'  then  he  went  down  tiie 
ither  side,  and  got  only  twa  seats  down,  and  by  that 
time  the  parchment  was  full.  The  deil  looked  along 
down  the  aisle,  and  saw  a  whole  row  of  sleepers,  and 
jio  room  for  their  names  ;  so  he  stretched  it  till  it  tore  ; 
and  he  laughed,  and  I  couldn't  help  it  but  laugh,  too 
— and  that's  my  apology.    Sing  the  Fiftieth  Psalm." 

A  Good  Judge  of  Accent 

A  Canadian  bishop,  well  known  for  his  broad 
Scotch  accent  as  well  as  his  belief  that  it  was  not  per- 
ceptible, was  called  upon  by  a  brother  Scot  one  day, 
whom  he  had  not  seen  for  several  years.  Among 
other  questions  asked  of  him  by  the  bishop  was,  "How 
long  have  you  been  in  Canada?" 

"  About  sax  years,"  was  the  reply. 

"Hoot,  mon,"  says  the  bishop,  "why  hae  ye  na 
lost  your  accent,  like  mysel'  ?  " 

"Haudin*  His  Stick" 

On  my  first  visit  to  Edinburgh,  having  heard  a  great 
deal  of  the  oratorical  [towers  of  some  of  the  members 
of  the  General  Assembly,  I  was  anxious  to  hear  and 
judge  for  myself.  I  accordingly  paid  an  early  visit  to 
it.  Seated  next  me  I  saw  an  elderly,  hard-featured, 
sober-looking   man,    leaning    with    both   hands    on   a 


Scotcb  lUit  anO  fbumor  39 

stick  and  eyeing  the  stick  with  great  earnestness, 
scarcely  even  moving  his  eyes  to  right  or  left. 

My  attention  was  soon  directed  to  the  speaker 
above  me,  who  had  opened  the  discourse  of  the  day. 
The  fervidness  of  his  eloquence,  his  great  command 
of  language,  and  the  strangeness  of  his  manner 
excited  my  attention  in  an  unusual  degree.  I  wished 
to  know  who  he  was,  and  applied  to  my  neighbor,  the 
sober-looking,  hard-featured  man. 

"  Pray,  sir,  can  you  tell  me  who  is  speaking  now  ?  " 
The  man  turned  on  me  a  defiant  and  contemptuous 
look  for  my  ignorance,  and  answered,  looking  rever- 
ently at  the  cane  on  which  his  hands  were  imposed  : 
"Sir,  that's  the  great  Docther  Chawmers,  and  I'm 
haudin'  his  stick!  "      [i6] 

Indiscriminate  Humor 

The  late  Archibald  Constable,  the  well-known 
Edinburgh  publisher,  was  somewhat  remarkable  in 
his  day  for  the  caustic  severity  of  his  speech,  which, 
however,  was  only  a  thin  covering  to  a  most  amiable, 
if  somewhat  overbearing,  disposition. 

On  one  occasion  a  partner  of  the  London  publish- 
ing house  of  Longman,  Hur.st,  Rees,  Orme  &  Brown 

was  dining  with  Mr.  C ,  at  his  country  seat  near 

the  beautiful  village  of  Lasswade.  Looking  out  of 
the  window,  the  Londoner  remarked,  "  What  a  pretty 
lake,  and  what  beautiful  swans  !  " 

"  Lake,  mon,  and  swans  ! — it's  nae  a  lake,  it's  only 
a  pond;  and  they're  naething  but  geese.  You'll 
maybe  noteece  that  they  are  just  five  of  them  ;  and 
Baldy,  that  ne'er-do-weel  bairn  there,  caws  them 
Longman,  Hurst,  Rees,  Orme  and  Brown  !  " 

Sir  Walter  Scott,  in  telling  the  story,  was  wont  to 
add  :  "  That  skit  cost  the  '  crafty  '  many  a  guinea,  for 
the  cockney  was  deeply  offended,  as  well  he  might 
be,  not  knowing  the  innocent  intent  with  which  his 
Scotch  friend  made  such  speeches." 

Scotch  Undergraduates  and  Funerals 
The  reported  determination  of  a  Scottish  professor 
not  to  allow  the  students  of  his  class  more  than  one 


40  Scotcb  "mit  anD  Ibunior 

funeral  in  each  family  this  session  sounds  like  a  grim 
joke;  but  it  is  fair  to  note  that  this  gentleman,  who 
has  presumptively  some  experience  of  the  ways  of 
undergraduates,  was  lately  reported  to  have  come  to 
the  conclusion  that  the  very  high  rate  of  mortality  of 
late  among  the  relatives  of  members  of  his  class  has 
been  "  artificially  produced."  Dark  reminders  of  the 
hero  of  "  Ruddigore,"  who  was  bound  by  the  decrees 
of  fate  to  commit  one  crime  a  day,  have  been  heard  in 
connection  with  this  mysterious  reference  ;  but  the 
U)nz'ersily  Cor7-espondeiil  has  thrown  a  little  light  on 
the  subject.  The  suggestion  is  that  the  northern 
undergraduate — not  unlike  his  English  brother — when 
he  is  feeling  a  little  bored  by  his  surroundings  at  the 
university,  has  a  habit  of  producing  a  sad  telegram 
informing  him  of  the  demise  of  a  maiden  aunt  or 
seconu-cousin  who  never  existed.      [17] 

Honest  Johnny  M'Cree 

In  one  of  his  speeches  Sheridan  says  :  I  remember 
a  story  told  respecting  Mr.  (iarrick,  who  was  once 
applied  to  bj'  an  eccentric  Scotchman  to  introduce  a 
work  of  his  on  the  stage.  This  Scotchman  was  such 
a  good-humored  fellow,  that  he  was  called  "  honest 
Johnny  M'Cree." 

Johnny  wrote  four  acts  of  a  tragedy  which  he 
showed  to  Mr.  Garrick,  who  dissuaded  him  from 
finishing  it,  telling  him  that  his  talent  did  not  lie  that 
way ;  so  Johnny  abandoned  the  tragedy,  and  set 
aboiit  writing  a  comedy.  When  this  was  finished  he 
showed  it  to  Mr.  Garrick,  who  found  it  to  i)e  still 
more  exceptionable  than  the  tragedy,  and  of  course 
could  not  be  persuaded  to  bring  it  forward  on  the 
stage. 

This  surprised  poor  Johnny,  and  he  remonstrated. 
"  Nay,  now,  David,"  said  Johnny,  "  did  you  not  tell 
me  that  my  talents  did  not  lie  in  tragedy  ?  " 

"Yes,"  said  (Jarrick,  "but  I  did  not  tell  you  that 
they  lay  in  comedy." 

"Then,"  exclaimed  Johnny,  "  gin  they  dinna  lie 
there,  where  the  deil  dittha  lie,  mon  ?  " 


Scotcb  lUit  anO  "Dumoc  4i 

Heaven  Before  it  was  Wanted 

A  Scotch  newspaper  relates  that  a  beggar  wife,  on 
receiving  a  gratuity  from  the  Rev.  John  Skinner,  of 
Langside,  author  of  "  Tullochgorum,"  said  to  him  by 
way  of  thanks,  "  Oh,  sir,  I  houp  that  ye  and  a'  your 
family  will  be  in  heaven  the  nicht." 

"Well,"  said  Skinner,  "I  am  very  much  obliged 
to  you  ;  only  you  need  not  have  just  been  so  particu- 
lar as  to  the  time." 

Curious  Delusion  Concerning  Light 

A  hard-headed  Scotchman,  a  first-rate  sailor  and 
navigator,  he,  like  many  other  people,  had  his  craze, 
which  consisted  in  looking  down  with  lofty  contempt 
upon  such  deluded  mortals  as  supposed  that  light 
was  derived  from  the  sun  !  Yet  he  gazed  on  that 
luminary  day  after  day  as  he  took  its  meridian  alti- 
tude and  was  obliged  to  temper  his  vision  with  the 
usual  piece  of  dark-colored  glass. 

"  How,"  I  asked  him,  "do  you  account  for  light  if 
it  is  not  derived  from  the  sun?" 

"  Weel,"  he  said,  "  it  comes  from  the  eer  ;  but  you 
will  be  knowing  all  about  it  some  day." 

He  was  of  a  taciturn  nature,  but  of  the  few  remarks 
which  he  did  make  the  usual  one  was,  "Weel,  and  so 
yer  think  that  light  comes  from  the  sun,  do  yer? 
Weel  !  ha,  ha  !  "  and  he  would  turn  away  with  a  con- 
temptuous chuckle.     [i8] 

Less  Sense  than  a  Sheep 

Lord  Cockburn,  the  proprietor  of  Bonally,  was  sit- 
ting on  a  hillside  with  a  shepherd  ;  and  observing  the 
feheep  reposing  in  the  coolest  situation  he  observed  to 
him,  "John,  if  I  were  a  sheep,  I  would  lie  on  the 
other  side  of  the  hill."  The  shepherd  answered, 
"Ay,  my  lord,  but  if  ye  had  been  a  sheep,  ye  would 
hae  mair  sense." 

Consoled  by  a  Relative's  Lameness 

For  authenticity  of  one  remark  made  by  the  Rev. 
Walter  Dunlop  I  can  readily  vouch.  Some  time  pre- 
vious to  the  death  of  his  wife  Mr.  Dunlop  had  quar- 


42  Scotcb  "mil  anC)  Ibiimor 

reled  with  that  lady's  brother — a  gentleman  who  had 
the  misfortune  to  lose  a  leg,  and  propelled  himself  by 
means  of  a  stick  substitute. 

When  engaged  with  two  of  the  deacons  of  his 
church,  considering  the  names  of  those  to  whom 
"bids"  to  the  funeral   should  be  sent,  one  observed, 

"  Mr.  Dunlop,  ye  maun  send  ane  to  Mr. "  naming 

the  obnoxious  relative. 

"  Ou,  ay,"  returned  the  minister,  striving  that  his 
sense  of  duty  should  overcome  his  reluctance  to  the 
proposal.  "Ye  can  send  A/w  ane."  Then  immedi- 
ately added,  with  much  gravity,  and  in  a  tone  that 
told  the  vast  relief  which  the  reflection  afforded, 
"  He'll  no  be  able  to  come  up  the  stairs."      [4] 

Curious  Sentence 

Some  years  ago  the  celebrated  Edward  Irving  had 
been  lecturing  at  Dumfries,  and  a  man  who  passed 
as  a  wag  in  that  locality  had  been  to  hear  him. 

He  met  Watty  Uunlop  the  following  day,  who 
said,  "  Weel,  Willie,  man,  an'  what  do  ye  think  of 
Mr.  Irving?  " 

"Oh,"  said  Willie  contemptuously,  "the  man's 
crack't." 

Dunlop  patted  him  on  the  shoulder,  with  a  quiet 
remark,  "  Willie,  ye'll  aften  see  a  light  peeping 
through  a  crack  !  "      [7] 

Too  Canny  to  Admit  Anything  Particular 

An  elder  of  the  parish  kirk  of  Montrose  was  sus- 
pected of  illegal  practices,  and  the  magistrates  being 
loth  to  prosecute  him,  privately  requested  the  minis- 
ter to  warn  the  man  that  his  evil  doings  were  known, 
and  that  if  he  did  not  desist  he  would  be  punished 
and  disgraced.  The  minister  accordingly  paid  the 
elder  a  visit,  but  could  extort  neither  confession  nor 
promise  of  amendment  from  the  delinquent. 

"Well,  Sandy,"  said  the  minister,  as  he  rose  to 
retire  from  his  fruitless  mission,  "  you  seem  to  think 
your  sins  cannot  be  proved  before  an  earthly  tribunal, 
but  you  may  be  assured  that  they  will  all  come  out  in 
the  day  of  judgment." 


Scotcb  imtt  an^  Ibumoc  43 

"  Verra  true,  sir,"  replied  the  elder,  calmly.  "An' 
it  is  to  be  hoped  for  the  credit  of  the  kirk  that 
neither  yours  nor  mine  come  oot  afore  then." 

Mortifying  Unanimity 

I  said,  to  one  who  picked  me  up, 
Just  slipping  from  a  rock, 
"  I'm  not  much  good  at  climbing,  eh  ?  " 
"  No,  sirr,  ye  arrrn't,"  quoth  Jock. 

I  showed  him  then  a  sketch  I'd  made, 
Of  rough  hill-side  and  lock  ; 
"  I'm  not  an  artist,  mind,"  I  said  ; 
"  No,  sirr,  ye  arrrn't,"  quoth  Jock. 

A  poem,  next,  I  read  aloud — 
One  of  my  num'rous  stock  ; 
"  I'm  no  great  poet,"  I  remarked  ; 
"  No,  sirr,  ye  arrrn't,"  said  Jock. 

Alas  !  I  fear  I  well  deserved 
(Although  it  proved  a  shock), 

In  answer  to  each  modest  sham, 
That  plain  retort  from  Jock. 

A  Consoling  "If" 

Bannockburn  is  always  the  set-off  to  Flodden  in 
popular  estimation,  and  without  it  Flodden  would  be 
a  sore  subject. 

"  So  you  are  going  to  England  to  practice  surgery," 
said  a  Scottish  lawyer  to  a  client,  who  had  been  a 
cow-doctor  ;  "  but  have  you  skill  enough  for  your  new 
profession  !  " 

"  Hoots  !  ay  !  plenty  o'  skill .'  " 

"  But  are  you  not  afraid  ye  may  sometimes  kill  your 
patients,  if  you  do  not  study  medicine  for  awhile  as 
your  proper  profession  ?  " 

"  Nae  fear  !  and  if  I  do  kill  a  few  o'  the  South- 
rons, it  will  take  a  great  deal  of  killing  to  mak'  up 
for  Flodden  !  " 

Happy  Escape  from  an  Angry  Mob 
The  most  famous  surgeon  in  Edinburg,  towards  the 


44  Scotcb  IXXit  auD  Ibumor 

close  of  the  last  (tlie  eigliteeiith)  century,  was  cer- 
tainly Mr.  Alexander  Wood,  Member  of  the  Incorpor- 
ation of  Chirurgeons,  or  what  is  now  called  the  Royai 
College  of  Surgeons.  In  these  days  he  was  known  by 
no  other  name  than  Lang  Sandy  Wood  (or  "  Wud," 
as  it  was  pronounced).  He  deserves  to  be  remem- 
bered as  the  last  man  in  Edinburgh  who  wore  a  cocked 
hat  and  sword  as  part  of  his  ordinary  dress,  and  the 
first  who  was  known  to  carry  an  umbrella. 

It  is  generally  supposed  that  he  was  induced  to 
discontinue  the  wearing  of  the  sword  and  cocked  hat 
by  an  unfortunate  accident  which  very  neai'ly  hap- 
dened  to  him  about  1792.  At  that  time  the  then  lord 
provost,  or  chief  magistrate  of  the  city,  a  Mr.  Stirling, 
was  very  uti])(>i)ular  with  the  lower  orders  of  society, 
and  one  dark  night,  as  Sandy  was  proceeding  over  the 
North  Bridge  on  some  errand  of  mercy,  he  was  met  by 
an  infuriated  mob  on  their  way  from  the  "  closes  "  of 
the  old  town  to  burn  the  provost's  house  in  revenge 
for  some  wrong — real  or  imaginary — supposed  to  be 
inflicted  by  that  functionary.  Catching  sight  of  an 
old  gentleman  in  a  cocked  hat  and  sword,  they 
instantly  concluded  that  this  must  be  the  provost — 
these  two  articles  of  dress  being  then  part  of  the 
official  attire  of  the  Edinburgh  chief  magistrate.  Then 
arose  the  cry  of  "  Throw  him  over  the  bridge  " — a 
suggestion  no  sooner  made  than  it  was  attempted  to 
be  carried  into  execution. 

The  tall  old  surgeon  was  in  mortal  terror,  and  had 
barely  time  to  gasji  out,  just  as  he  was  carried  to  the 
I)arapet  of  the  bridge,  "  Ciude  folk,  I'm  no'  the  pro- 
vost. Carry  me  to  a  lam[i  post  an'  ve'U  see  I'm  Lang 
Sandy  Wood  !  " 

With  considerable  doubt  whether  or  not  the  obnox- 
ious magistrate  was  not  trying  to  save  his  life  by  trad- 
ing on  the  jiopularity  of  Sandy,  they  carried  him  to 
one  of  the  dim  oil-lamps,  with  which  the  city  was  then 
lit,  and  after  scanning  his  face  closely,  satisfied  them- 
selves of  the  truth  of  their  victim's  assertion.  Then 
came  a  revulsion  of  feeling,  and  amid  shouts  of 
applause  the  i)opular  surgeon  was  carried  to  his  resi- 
dence on  the  shoulders  of  the  mob. 


Scotcb  "CClit  anO  Ibumor  45 

The  End  Justifying  the  Means 

Sandy  Wood  had  the  most  eccentric  ways  of  curing 

people.     One  of  his  patients,  the  Hon.  Mrs. ,  took 

it  into  her  head  that  she  was  a  hen,  and  tliat  her  mis- 
sion in  life  was  to  hatch  eggs.  So  firmly  did  this 
delusion  take  possession  of  her  mind  that,  by-and-bye 
she  found  it  impossible  to  rise  off  her  seat,  lest  the 
eggs  should  get  cold.  Sandy  encouraged  the  mania, 
and  requested  that  he  might  have  the  pleasure  of 
taking  a  "  dish  of  tea  "  with  her  that  evening,  and 
that  she  would  have  the  very  best  china  on  the  table. 

She  cordially  agreed  to  this,  and  when  her  guest 
arrived  in  the  evening  he  found  the  tea-table  covered 
wnth  some  very  valuable  crockery,  which  did  not 
belie  its  name,  for  it  had  really  been  imported  from 
Cliina  by  a  relative  of  the  ladj^  an  East  Indian 
Nabob.  > 

The  surgeon  made  a  few  remarks  about  the  close- 
ness of  the  room,  asked  permission  to  raise  the  win- 
dow, and  then,  watching  an  opportunity  when  the 
hostess'  eye  was  upon  him,  he  seized  the  trayful  of 
fragile  ware  and  feigned  to  throw  them  out  of  the 
window. 

The  lady  screamed,  and,  forgetful  in  her  fright  of 
her  supposed  inability  to  rise,  slie  rushed  from  her 
seat  to  arrest  the  arm  of  the  vandal. 

The  task  was  not  a  hard  one,  for  the  eccentric  old 
surgeon  laughed  as  he  replaced  the  tray  on  the  table, 
and  escorted  his  patient  to  her  seat.  The  spell  had 
been  broken,  and  nothing  more  was  ever  heard  of  the 
egg-hatching  mania. 


Another  lady  patient  of  his  had  a  tumor  in  her 
throat,  which  threatened  her  death  if  it  did  not  burst. 
She  entirely  lost  her  voice,  and  all  his  efforts  to  reach 
the  seat  of  the  malady  were  unavailing.  As  a  last 
resort,  he  quietly  placed  the  poker  in  the  fire  ;  and 
after  in  vain  attempting  to  get  his  patient  to  scream, 
so  as  to  burst  the  tumor,  he  asked  her  to  open  her 
mouth,  and  seizing  the  then  red-hot  poker,  he  made 
a  rush  with  it  to  her  throat.     The  result  was  a  yell 


46  Scotcb  Mit  anD  Ibumor 

of  terror  from  the  thoroughly  frightened  pntient. 
which  effecteti  what  he  had  long  desired — the  break" 
ing  of  the  tumor,  and  her  recovery. 

A  Lecture  on  Baldness — Curious  Results 

Edinburgh  laughed  heartily,  l)ut  was  not  at  all 
scandalized,  when  one  famous  university  profess<ir 
kicked  another  famous  professor  in  the  same  faculty, 
■down  before  him  from  near  the  North  Bridge  to  where 
the  Register  House  now  stands.  The  caiisus  belli 
was  simple,  but,  as  reported,  most  irritating. 

The  offending  professor  was  lecturing  to  his  class 
one  morning,  and  happened  to  say  that  baldness  was 
no  sign  of  age.  "  In  fact,  gentlemen,"  said  the  suave 
professor,  "  it's  no  sign  at  all,  nor  the  converse.  I 
was  called  in  verj'  early  yesterday  morning  to  see  the 
wife  of  a  distinguished  colleague,  a  lady  whose  raven 
locks  have  long  been  the  pride  of  rout  and  ball.  It 
was  in  the  morning,  and  I  caught  the  lady  in  desha- 
bille, and  would  you  believe  it,  the  raven  locks  were 
all  fudge,  and  the  lady  was  as  bald  as  the  palm  of 
my  hand." 

The  professor  said  nothing  more,  but  no  sooner 
was  his  lecture  ended  than  the  students  casually 
inquired  of  the  coachman  whom  the  ])rofessor  was 
called  to  see  yesterday  morning.  The  coachman, 
innocently  enough,  answered,  "  Oh,  Mrs.  Prof.  ." 

This   was   enough,   and   so   before  four-and-twenty 

hours  went  round,  the  story  came  to  Prof.  A that 

Prof.  B had    said,  in    his   class,   that    Mrs.   Prof. 

A wore  a  wig.     For  two  days  they  did  not  meet, 

and  when  they  did,  the  offender  was  punished  in  the 
ignominious  manner  described. 

A  Miserly  Professor 
An  Edinburgh  professor  was  noted  for  his  miserly 
habits,  though,  in  reality,  he  was  a  ricli  man  and  the 
proprietor  of  several  ancestral  estates.  He  once 
observed  a  Highland  student — proverbially  a  poor 
set — about  to  pick  up  a  penny  in  the  college  quad, 
but  just  as  he  was  about  to  pick  it  up,  the  learned 
professor  gave  him  a  push,  which  sent  the  poor  fellow 


Scotcb  TlClit  ant)  Ibumor  47 

right  over,  when  Dr. cooly  pocketed  the  coin  and 

walked  on,  amid  the  laughter  of  a  crowd  of  students 
who  were  watching  the  scene.  He  did  not  always 
stick  at  trifles.  Going  down  the  crowded  street  he 
saw  a  street  boy  jiick  up  a  shilling.  Instantly  the 
professor  chucked  it  out  of  the  boy's  hand,  and  then, 
holding  it  between  his  thumb  and  forefinger,  with  his 
gold-headed  cane  in  the  other,  carefully  guarding  it, 
he  read  out  to  the  whimpering  boy  a  long  lecture  on 
honesty  being  the  best  policy  ;  how  the  "  coin  "  was 
not  his  ;  how  it  might  belong  to  some  poor  man  whose 
family  might  be  suffering  for  the  want  of  that  coin, 
and  so  on,  concluding  by  pocketing  the  shilling,  and 
charging  the  finder  that  "  if  ever  he  heard  of  anybody 

having  lost  that   shilling,  to  say  that   Prof. had 

got  it.  Everybody  knows  me.  It  is  quite  safe. 
Honesty,  my  lad,  is  always  the  best  policy.  Remem- 
ber that,  and  read  your  catechism  well." 


On  one  occasion  he  was  called,  in  consultation  with 
Prof.  Gregory,  about  a  patient  of  his  who  happened 
to  be  a  student  of  medicine.  The  day  previously, 
however.  Dr.  Gregory  had  called  alone,  and  on  going 
away  was  offered  the  customary  guinea.  This  the 
stately  physician  firmly  refused  ;   he  never  took   fees 

from   students.      The  patient   replied  that  Prof. 

did.  Immediately  Gregory's  face  brightened  up. 
"  I  will  be  here  to-morrow  in  consultation  with  him. 
Be  good  enough  to  offer  me  a  fee  uefore  him,  sir." 

To-morrow  came,  and  the  student  did  as  he  had 
been  requested. 

"  What  is  that,  sir?  "  the  professor  answered,  look- 
ing at  his  proffered  guinea  :  "  A  fee,  sir  !  Do  you 
mean  to  insult  me,  sir  ?  What  do  you  take  us  to  be — 
cannibals  ?  Do  we  live  on  one  another  ?  No,  sir.  The 
man  who  could  take  a  fee  from  a  student  of  his  own 
profession  ought  to  be  kicked — kicked,  sir,  out  of  the 
faculty!  Good  morning!"  and  with  that  the  cele- 
brated physician  walked  to  the  door,  in  well-affected 
displeasure.      Next    day   to    the    astonishment  of  the 

patient.    Prof. sent    a   packet    with    all  the  fees 

returned. 


4S  Scotcb  XUit  auD  1f)umor 

It  is  said  that  he  once  took  a  bag  of  potatoes  for  a 
fee,  and  ever  after  boasted  of  his  generosity  in  the 
matter:  "  The  man  was  a  poor  man,  sir.  We  must 
be  liberal,  sir.  Our  Master  enjoins  it  on  us,  and  it  is 
recommended  in  a  fine  passage  in  the  admirable 
aphorisms  of  Hippocrates.  The  man  had  no  money, 
sir,  so  I  had  to  deal  gently  with  him,  and  take  what 
he  had  ;  though  as  a  rule — as  a  rule— I  prefer  the 
modern  to  the  ancient  exchange,  pecunia  instead  of 
pecus.   Hah!  hah  !" 

Silencing  English  Insolence 

"  There  never  was  a  Scotchman  "  said  an  insolent 
cockney,  at  Stirling,  to  a  worthy  Scot,  who  was  acting 
as  guide  to  the  castle  "  who  did  not  want  to  get  out  of 
Scotland  almost  as  soon  as  he  got  into  it." 

"That  such  may  be  the  fack,  I'll  no'  gainsay," 
replied  the  Scot.  "  There  were  about  twenty  thou- 
sand o'  your  countrymen,  and  mair,  who  wanted  to  get 
out  of  Scotland  on  the  day  of  Bannockburn.  But  they 
could  na'  win.  And  they're  laying  at  Bannockburn 
the  noo ;  and  have  never  been  able  to  get  out  o' 
Scotland  yet." 


It  was  Johnson's  humor  to  be  anti-Scottish.  He 
objected  theoretically  to  haggis,  though  he  ate  a  good 
plateful  of  it. 

"What  do  you  think  o'  the  haggis?"  asked  the 
hospitable  old  lady,  at  whose  table  he  was  dining,  see- 
ing that  he  partook  so  plentifully  of  it. 

"Humph!"  he  replied,  with  his  mouth  full,  "it's 
very  good  food  for  hogs  !  " 

"  Then  let  me  help  you  to  some  mair  o'  't,"  said 
the  lady,  helping  him  bountifully. 

Helping  Business 

Prof.  James  Gregory,  perha]>s  the  most  celebrated 
physician  of  his  day,  but  who,  in  popular  estimation, 
is  dolefully  remembered  as  the  inventor  of  a  nauseous 
compound  known  as  Gregory's  Mi.xture.  He  was  a 
tall  and  very  handsome  man,  and  stately  and  grave  in 


Scotcb  TiClit  anD  Ibumot  49 

all  his  manners,  hut,  withal,  witli  a  touch  of  Scotch 
humor  in  him.  One  evening,  walking  home  from  the 
university,  he  came  upon  a  street  row  or  bicker,  a  sort 
of  town-and-gown-riot  very  common  in  those  days. 
Observing  a  boy  systematically  engaged  in  breaking 
windows,  he  seized  him,  and  inquired,  in  the  sternest 
voice,  what  he  did  that  for. 

"  Oh,"  was  the  reply,  "  my  master's  a  glazier,  and 
I'm  trying  to  help  business." 

"Indeed.  Very  proper;  very  proper,  my  boy," 
Dr.  Gregory  answered,  and,  as  he  proceeded  to  maul 
him  well  with  his  cane,  "  you  see  I  must  follow  your 
example.  I'm  a  doctor,  and  must  help  business  a 
little."  And  with  that,  he  gave  a  few  finishing  whacks 
to  the  witty  youth,  and  went  off  chuckling  at  having 
turned  the  tables  on  the  glazier's  apprentice. 

Sandy  Wood's  Proposal  of  Marriage 
When  proposing  to  his  future  wife's  father  for  his 

daughter,  the  old  gentleman  took  a  pinch  of  snuff  and 

said,  "  Weel,  Sandy,  lad,  I've  naething  again'  ye,  but 

what  have  ye  to  support  a  wife  on  ?  " 

Sandy's  reply  was  to  pull  a  case  of  lancets  out  of 

his  pocitet  with  the  remark,  "  These  !  " 

Rival  Anatomists  in  fedinburgh  University 

Perhaps  the  most  eminent  teacher  of  anatomy  in 
Edinburgh,  or  in  Britain,  early  in  this  century,  was 
Dr.  Robert  Knox.  He  was  a  man  abounding  in  any- 
thing but  the  milk  of  human  kindness  towards  his 
professional  brethren,  and  if  people  had  cared  in  those 
days  to  go  to  law  about  libels,  it  is  to  be  feared  Knox 
would  have  been  rarely  out  of  a  court  of  law.  Per- 
sonality and  satirical  allusions  were  ever  at  his 
tongue's  end.  After  attracting  immense  classes  his 
career  came  very  suddenly  to  a  close.  Burke  and 
Hare,  who  committed  such  atrocious  murders  to  sup- 
ply the  dissecting-room  with  "  subjects  "  were  finally 
discovered,  and  oneot  them  executed — the  other  turn- 
ing king's  evidence.  Knox's  name  got  mixed  up  with 
the  case,  being  supposed  to  be  \y\  ivy  to  these  murders, 
though  many  considered  him  innocent.    The  populace, 

4 


50  Scotch  IClit  anD  Ibumoc 

however,  were  of  a  different  opinion.  Knox's  house 
was  mobbed,  and  though  he  braved  it  out,  he  never 
after  succeeded  in  regaining  popular  esteem.  He  was 
a  splendid  lecturer,  and  a  man,  who,  amid  all  his 
self-conceit  and  malice,  could  occasionally  say  a 
bilingly  witty  thing. 

It  is  usual  with  lecturers  at  their  opening  lecture  to 
recommend  te.xt-books,  and  accordingly  Kno.x  would 
commence  as  follows  :  "  Gentlemen,  there  are  no 
text-books  I  can  recommend.  I  wrote  one  myself, 
but  it  is  poor  stuff.  I  can't  recommend  it.  The  man 
who  knows  most  about  a  subject  writes  worst  on 
it.  If  you  want  a  good  text-book  on  any  subject, 
recommend  me  to  the  man  who  knows  nothing  earthly 
about  the  subject.  The  result  is  that  we  have  no 
good  text-book  on  anatomy.  We  will  have  soon,  how- 
ever— Prof.  Monro  is  going  to  write  one." 

That  was  the  finale,  and,  of  course,  brought  down 
the  house,  when,  with  a  sinister  expression  on  his 
face,  partly  due  to  long  sarcasm,  and  partly  to  the 
loss  of  an  eye,  he  would  bow  himself  out  of  the 
lecture-room. 

The  Prof.  Monro  referred  to  by  Knox  was  the  pro- 
fessor of  anatomy  of  Edinburgh  University,  and  the 
third  of  that  name  who  had  filled  the  chair  for  one 
hundred  and  twenty  years.  He  succeeded  his  father 
and  grandfather,  as  if  by  right  of  birth — and  if  it  was 
not  by  that  right  he  had  no  other  claim  to  fill  that 
chair. 

Knox  lectured  at  a  different  hour  from  Monro, 
tiamely,  exactly  five  minutes  after  the  conclusion  of 
the  latter's  lecture.  Accordingly  the  students  tripped 
over  from  Monro  to  Knox,  greatly  to  the  annoyance, 
but  in  no  way  to  the  loss  of  the  former.  It  may  well 
be  supposed  that  during  their  forced  attendance  on 
Monro's  lectures  they  did  not  spend  much  time  in 
listening  to  what  he  had  to  say.  In  fact  they  used  to 
amuse  themselves  during  the  hour  of  his  lecture,  and 
always  used  to  organize  some  great  field  days  iluring 
the  session.  So  lazy  was  Monro  that  he  was  in  the 
habit  of  using  his  grandfather's  lectures,  written  more 
than  one  hundred  years  before.     They  were — as  was 


Scotcb  THatt  anD  Ibumor  51 

the  fashion  then — written  in  Latin,  but  his  grandson 
gave  a  free  translation  as  he  proceeded,  without,  how- 
ever, taking  the  trouble  to  alter  the  dates.  Accordingly, 
in  1820  or  1S30,  students  used  to  be  electrified  to  hear 
him  slowly  drawling  out,  "When  I  was  in  Padua  in 
1694 — "  This  was  the  signal  for  the  fun  to  begin.  On 
the  occasion  when  this  famous  speech  was  known  to 
be  due,  the  room  was  always  full,  and  no  sooner  was 
it  uttered  than  there  descended  showers  of  peas  on 
the  head  of  the  devoted  professor,  who,  to  the  end 
of  his  life  could  never  understand  what  it  was  all 
about.      [19] 

"Discretion — the  Better  Part  of  Valor" 
A  spirited  ballad  was  written  on  the  Jacobite  vic- 
tory at  Prestonpans  by  a  doughty  Haddingtonshire 
farmer  of  the  name  of  Skirving,  in  which  he  dis- 
tributed his  praise  and  blame  among  the  combatants 
in  the  most  impartial  manner.  Among  others,  he 
accused  one  "  Lieutenant  Smith,  of  Irish  birth,"  of 
leaping  over  the  head  of  "  Major  Bowie,  that  worthy 
soul,"  when  lying  wounded  on  the  ground,  and 
escaping  from  the  field,  instead  of  rendering  the 
assistance  for  which  the  sufferer  called.  Smith,  being 
aggrieved,  sent  the  author  a  challenge  to  meet  him  at 
Haddington.  "  Na,  na,"  said  the  worthy  farmer,  who 
was  working  in  his  field  when  the  hostile  message 
reached  him,  "  I  have  no  time  to  gang  to  Haddington, 
but  tell  Mr.  Smith  to  come  here,  and  I'll  tak'  a  look 
at  him.  If  he's  a  man  about  my  ain  size,  I'll  ficht 
him;  but  if  he's  muckle  bigger  and  stronger,  I'll  do 
just  as  he  did — I'll  run  awa'  !  " 

Losing  His  Senses 
A  census  taker  tells  the  following  story  :  The  first 
difficulty  I  experienced  was  with  Old  Ronaldson.  He 
was  always  a  little  queer,  as  old  bachelors  often  are. 
As  I  left  the  census  paper  with  him,  he  held  the  door 
in  one  hand  while  he  took  the  paper  from  me  in  the 
other.  I  said  I  would  call  again  for  the  paper.  "  Ye 
needn't  trouble  yourself!"  said  he,  in  a  very  ill- 
natured    tone  ;     "I'll     not    be    bothered    with    your 


52  Scotcb  Trait  auD  Ibumor 

papers."  However,  I  did  not  mind  hini  much  ;  for  I 
Ihou^lit  wlieii  he  discovered  that  tlie  jiajier  had 
nothing  to  do  witli  taxes  lie  would  feel  more  comfort- 
able, and  that  he  would  fill  it  up  projierly. 

The  only  person  whom  Old  Ronaldson  allowed 
near  him  was  Mrs.  Birnie  ;  she  used  to  j^ut  his  house 
in  order  and  arrange  iiis  washing  :  for  Ronaldson  was 
an  old  soldier  ;  and  although  he  had  a  temper,  he  was 
perfect  in  his  dress  and  most  orderly  in  all  his  house- 
hold arrangements.  W'hen  Mrs.  Birnie  went  in  her 
usual  way  to  his  house  on  the  morning  referred  to, 
the  old  gentleman  was  iij)  and  dressed  ;  but  he  was 
in  a  terrible  temper,  flurried  and  greatly  agitated. 

"  Good  morning,  sir,"  said  Mrs.  Birnie — I  had  the 
particular  words  from  her  own  lips — "  Good  morn- 
ing," said  she  ;  but  Old  Ronaldson,  who  was  as  a  rule 
extremely  polite  to  her,  did  not  on  this  occasion 
reply.  His  agitation  increased.  He  fumbled  in  all 
his  pockets;  pulled  out  and  in  all  the  drawers  of  his 
desk  ;  turned  the  contents  of  an  old  chest  out  on  the 
floor — all  the  time  accompanying  his  search  with 
muttered  imprecations,  which  at  length  broke  into  a 
perfect  storm. 

Mrs.  Birnie  had  often  seen  Mr.  Ronaldson  excited 
before,  but  she  had  never  seen  him  in  such  a  state  as 
this.  At  length  he  approached  an  old  bookcase  and, 
af^er  looking  earnestly  about  and  behind  it,  he  sud- 
denly seized  and  pulled  it  toward  him,  when  a  lot  of 
old  papers  fell  on  the  floor,  and  a  perfect  cloud  of 
dust  filled  the  room.  Mrs.  Birnie  stood  duml)founded. 
At  length  the  old  gentleman,  covered  with  dust  and 
perspiring  with  his  violent  exertions,  sat  down  on  the 
corner  of  his  bed,  and  in  a  most  wretched  tone  of 
voice  said  :  "  Oh,  Mrs.  Birnie,  don't  be  alarmed,  but 
I've  lost  my  seitsrs  /  " 

"  I  was  just  thinking  as  nnuh  myself,"  said  Mrs. 
Birnie ;  and  off  she  ran  to  my  house  at  the  top  of  her 
speed.  "  Oh,  Mr.  M'Lauchlin,"  said  she,  "  come 
immediately — come  this  very  minute  ;  for  Old  Ronald- 
ron's  clean  mad.  He's  tearing  his  hair,  and  cursing 
in  a  manner  most  awful  to  hear  ;  and  worse  than  that 
— he's  begun  ti;  tear  down   the   house   about   himself. 


Scotcb  TlUit  anO  Ibumor  53 

Oh,    sir,    come    immediately,  and    get    him  put  in  a 
strait  jacket." 

Of  course  I  at  once  sent  for  old  Dr.  Macnab,  and 
asked  him  to  fetch  a  certificate  for  an  insane  person 
with  him.  Now,  old  Dr.  Macnab  is  a  cautious  and 
sensible  man.  His  bald  head  and  silvery  hair,  his 
beautiful  white  neck-cloth  and  shiny  black  coat,  not  to 
speak  of  his  silver-headed  cane  and  dignified  manner, 
all  combined  to  make  our  doctor  an  authority  in  the 
parish. 

"  Ay,  ay,"  said  the  good  doctor,  when  he  met  nie  ; 
"  I  always  feared  the  worst  about  Mr.  Ronaldson. 
Not  good  for  man  to  be  alone,  sir.  I  always  advised 
him  to  take  a  wife.  Never  would  take  my  advice. 
You  see  the  result,  Mr.  M'Lauchlin.  However,  we 
must  see  the  poor  man." 

When  we  arrived,  we  found  all  as  Mrs.  Birnie  had 
said  ;  indeed  by  this  time  matters  had  become  worse 
and  worse,  and  a  goodly  number  of  the  neighbors 
were  gathered.  One  old  lady  recommended  that  the 
barber  should  be  sent  for  to  shave  Ronaldson's  head. 
This  was  the  least  necessary,  as  his  head,  poor  fellow, 
was  already  as  bald  and  smooth  as  a  ball  of  ivory. 
Another  kind  neighbor  had  brought  in  some  brandy, 
and  Old  Ronaldson  had  taken  several  glasses,  and 
pronounced  it  capital  ;  which  everyone  said  was  a  sure 
sign  "  he  was  coming  to  himself."  One  of  his  tender- 
hearted neighbors,  who  had  helped  herself  to  a  break- 
fast cupful  of  this  medicine,  was  shedding  tears  pro- 
fusely, and  as  she  kept  rocking  from  side  to  side, 
nursing  her  elbows,  she  cried  bitterly:  "Poor  Mr. 
Ronaldson's  lost  his  senses  !  " 

The  instant  Dr.  Macnab  appeared.  Old  Ronaldson 
stepped  forward,  shook  him  warmly  by  the  hand,  and 
said  :  "  I'm  truly  glad  to  see  you,  doctor  You  will 
soon  put  it  all  right.  I  have  only  lost  my  senses — 
that's  all  !  That's  what  all  these  women  are  making 
this  row  about." 

"  Let  me  feel  your  pulse,'    said  the  doctor  gently. 

"  Oh,  nonsense,  doctor,"  cried  Ronaldson — "  non- 
sense ;  I've  only  lost  my  senses^  And  he  made  as  if 
he  would  fiy  at  the  heap  of  drawers,  dust,  and  rub- 


54  Scctcb  Mit  an&  Ibumoc 

bish  which  lay  in  the  centre  of  the  floor,  and  have  it 
all  raked  out  again. 

"  Oh,  lost  your  senses,  have  you?"  said  the  doctor 
with  a  bland  smile.  "  You'll  soon  get  over  that — that's 
a  trifle."  But  he  deliberately  pulled  out  his  big  gold 
repeater  and  held  Ron;vJdson  by  the  wrist.  "Just  as 
I  feared.  Pulse  ninety-five,  eye  troubled,  face 
flushed,  nnickle  e.xciteinent,"  etc.  So  there  and 
then.  Old  Ronaldson  was  doomed.  I  did  not  wish  a 
painful  scene  ;  so,  when  I  got  my  certificate  signed  by 
the  doctor,  I  quietly  slipped  out,  got  a  pair  of  horses 
and  a  close  carriage,  and  asked  Mr.  Ronaldson  to 
meet  me,  if  he  felt  able,  at  the  inn  in  half  an  hour,  as 
1  felt  sure  a  walk  in  the  open  air  would  do  him  good. 
He  gladly  fell  in  with  this  plan,  and  promised  to  be 
with  me  at  noon  certain. 

As  I  have  said,  he  is  an  old  soldier,  was  an  officer's 
servant  in  fact,  and  is  a  most  tidy  and  punctual  per- 
son. But  old  Mrs.  Birnie  had,  with  much  thoughtful- 
ness,  the  moment  he  began  to  make  preparations  for 
this,  put  his  razors  out  of  the  way.  Hereupon  he  got 
worse  and  worse,  stamped  and  stormed,  and  at  last 
worked  himself  into  a  terrible  passion.  I  grew  tired 
waiting  at  the  inn,  and  so  returned,  and  found  him  in 
a  sad  state.  When  he  saw  me,  he  cried  :  "  Oh,  Mr. 
M'Lauchlin,  the  deil's  in  this  house  this  day." 

"Very  true,"  said  Mrs.  Birnie  to  me  in  an  aside. 
"You  see,  sir,  he  speaks  sense — whiles." 

"  Everything  has  gone  against  me  this  day,"  he 
went  on  ;  "  but,"  said  he,  "  I'll  get  out  of  this  if  my 
beard  never  comes  off.  Hand  me  my  Wellington 
boots,  Mrs.  Birnie;  I  hope  you  have  not  swallowed 
them,  too  !  " 

The  moment  Ronaldson  began  to  draw  on  his  boots, 
affairs  changed  as  if  by  magic.  "There,"  cried  he 
triumphantly — "  There  is  that  confounded  paper  of 
yours  which  has  made  all  this  row  !  See,  Mrs.  Birnie," 
he  exclaimed,  flourishing  my  census  paper  in  his 
hand  ;  Tve  found  my  senses  !  " 

"  Oh,"  cried  the  nuich  affected  widow,  "  I  am  glad 
to  hear  it,"  and  in  her  ecstatic  joy  she  rushed  upon 
the  old  soldier,  took  his  head  to  her  bosom,  and  wept 


Scotcb  TlUft  an5  Ibumor  55 

for  joy.  I  seized  the  opportunity  to  beat  a  hasty 
retreat,  and  left  the  pair  to  congratulate  each  other 
upon  the  happy  finding  of  Old  Ronaldson's  senses. 

It's  a  Gran'  Nicht 

The  following  is  a  fine  comic  sketch  or  an  inter- 
view between  a  Scotch  peasant  lover  and  "  Kirsty," 
his  sweetheart,  who  was  only  waiting  for  him  to 
speak.  It  is  in  fine  contrast  with  the  confident,  rush- 
ing away  in  which  that  sort  of  thing  is  done  in  other 
countries. 

The  young  lover  stands  by  the  cottage  gable  in  the 
fading  liglit,  declaring,  "  It's  a  gran'  nicht  !  "  Ever 
so  often  he  says  it,  yet  he  feels  its  grandeur  not  at 
all,  for  the  presence  of  something  grander  or  better, 
I  suppose  —  the  maiden,  Kirsty  Grant.  Does  he 
whisper  soft  somethings  of  her  betterness,  I  wonder, 
while  thus  he  lingers?  His  only  communication  is 
the  important  fact,  "  It's  a  gran'  nicht."  He  would 
linger,  blessed  in  her  presence,  but  the  closing  day 
warns  him  to  be  gone.  It  will  be  midnight  before  he  can 
reach  his  village  home  miles  away.  Yet  was  it  sweet 
to  linger.  "  It's  a  very  gran'  nicht,  but  I  maun  haist 
awa'.     Mither  'ill  be  wunnerin',"  said  he. 

"  'Deed,  ye' II  hae  tae  draw  yer  feet  gey  fast  tae 
win  hame  afore  the  Sabbath  ;  sae  e'en  be  steppin'," 
she  answered,  cooly. 

"It's  g,ran' !  "  said  he;  "I  wish  ilka  Saiturday 
nicht  was  lik'  this  ane." 

"  Wi'  ye,  Saiturday  nicht  shud  maist  be  lik'  Sunday 
morn,  if  ye  bevil  it  richt,  '  said  she,  with  a  toss  of 
her  head,  for  she  rightly  guessed  that  somehow  the 
lad's  pleasure  was  referable  to  herself.  "  I  maun 
shut  up  the  coo." 

"  Good-nicht !  "  said  he. 

"  Good-nicht !  "  said  she,  disappearing. 

He  stepped  away  in  the  muirland,  making  for  home. 
"  Isn't  she  smairt  ?  "  said  he  to  himself ;  "  man,  isn't 
she  smairt  ?  Said  she,  '  Saiturday  nicht  shud  aye  be 
wi'  ye  lik'  Sunday  morn,  if  ye  beviled  it  richt  1  '  Was 
it  na  a  hint  for  me?  Man,  I  wish  I  daur  spaik  oot 
to  her  ! " 


56  Scotcb  lUit  an?  Ibumor 

A  Highlander  on  Bagpipes 

Mr.  Barclay,  an  LMiiiiu-nt  Scotch  artist,  was  en<2;aged 
in  j)aiinin.u;  a  Hii^lilanci  scene  fcjr  Lord  Hreadalhane, 
in  which  his  lorclshii)'s  han(.ls(inie  i)ii)er  was  intro- 
duced. When  the  artist  was  instructing  him  as  to 
attitude,  and  that  he  must  maintain  an  appearance  at 
once  of  animation  and  ease  by  keei)ing  up  a  conver- 
sation, the  latter  replied  that  lie  would  do  his  best, 
and  commenced  as  follows  : 

"  Maister  Parclay,  ye  read  yer  Bible  at  times,  I 
si/fifio/ie  (suppose),  sir?  " 

"Oh,  yes." 

"  Weei,  Maister  Parclay,  if  ye  do  tat,  sir,  ten  you've 
read  te  third  and  fifth  verses  of  te  third  chapter  of 
Daniel,  when  te  princes,  te  governors,  te  captains,  te 
judges,  te  treasurers,  te  counsellors,  te  sheriffs  and 
all  te  rulers  of  te  provinces  were  gathered  together 
into  te  dedication  of  te  image  tat  Nebuchadnezzar, 
te  king,  had  set  up,  and  tey  were  told  tat  whenever 
ley  began  to  hear  te  sound  of  te  cornet,  flute,  harp, 
sackbut,  dulcimer,  and  all  kinds  of  music,  tey  were 
to  fall  down  and  worship  te  golden  image  that  Nebu- 
chadnezzar, te  king,  had  set  up.  I  tell  ye,  Maister 
Parclay,  if  tey  had  a  Ilielatuiman,  wi'  his  pipes  tere, 
tat  nonsense  would  not  hae  hapi)encd.  Na,  na,  he 
would  hae  sent  tern  a'  fleeing.  It  would  hae  been  wi' 
tern  as  Bobby  Burns  said,  '  Skirl  up  to  Bangor,  for  ye 
maun  a'  come  back  to  te  bagi>ipe  at  last.'  " 

Wolloping  Judas 
The  late  Dr.  Adamson,  of  Cupar-Fife,  colleague  to 
Dr.  Campbell,  father  to  the  lord  chancellor  of  that 
name,  at  a  late  Saturday  night  supper  was  about  to 
depart,  alleging  that  he  must  ]>repare  for  tiie  Sunday 
service.  For  two  previous  Sundays  he  liad  been 
holding  forth  on  Judas  Iscariot,  and  a  member  of  his 
congregation,  who  sat  at  the  table  detained  him  with  : 
"  Sit  down,  doctor,  sit  down  ;  there's  nae  need  for  ye  to 
gangawa'  ;  just  gie  Judas  another  wallop  in  the  tow." 

"  '  Alice    Brown,  the  Jaud  !  " 

An  old  offender  was,  some  years  ago,  brought  up 
before  a  well-known  Glasgow  magisirate.     The  con- 


Scotcb  "GGKt  anD  Ibumor  57 

stable,  as  a  preliminary,  informed  his  bailieship  that 
he  had  in  custody  John  Anderson,  alias  Brown,  alias 
Smith.  "Very  weel,"  said  the  magistrate,  with  an 
air  of  dignity,  "  I'll  try  the  women  first.  Bring  in 
Alice  Brown  !  what  has  she  been  about,  the  jaud  ?  " 

Earning  His  Dismissal 

Dean  Ramsay  tells  an  amusing  story  of  the  cooT 
self-sufficiency  of  the  young  Scottish  domestic— a  boy 
who,  in  a  very  quiet,  determined  way,  made  his  exit 
from  a  house  into  which  he  had  lately  been  intro- 
duced. He  had  been  told  that  he  should  be  dis- 
missed if  he  broke  any  of  the  china  that  was  under 
his  charge. 

On  the  morning  of  a  great  dinner  party  he  was 
entrusted  (rather  rashly)  with  a  great  load  of 
plates,  which  he  was  to  carry  upstairs  from  the  kitchen 
to  the  dining-room,  and  which  were  piled  up  and 
rested  upon  his  two  hands. 

In  going  upstairs  his  foot  slipped,  and  the  plates 
were  broken  to  atoms.  He  at  once  went  up  to  the 
drawing-room,  put  his  head  in  at  the  door,  and 
shouted,  "  The  plates  are  a'  smashed,  and  I'm 
awa'!"      [7] 

Paris  and  Peebles  Contrasted 
In  the  memoir  of  Robert  Chambers,  by  his  brother 
William,  allusion  is  made  to  the  exceedingly  quiet 
town  of  Peebles,  their  birthplace,  and  the  strong  local 
attachments  of  the  Scottish  people.  An  honest  old 
burgher  of  the  town  was  enabled  by  some  strange 
chance  to  visit  Paris,  and  was  eagerly  questioned, 
when  he  came  back,  as  to  the  character  of  that  capital 
of  capitals ;  to  which  he  answered  that,  "  Paris,  a' 
things  considered,  was  a  wonderful  place  ;  but  still, 
Peebles  for  pleasure  !  " 

Short  Measure 

An  old  woman  who  had  made  a  great  deal  of  money 

by  selling  whiskey  was  visited  when  on  her  death-bed 

by  her  minister,  to  whom   she   spake,  as  is  usual   on 

such    occasions,    about   iier  tei'.iporal    as   well   as  her 


58  Scotcb  XClit  anO  Ibumor 

spiritual  affairs.  As  to  her  temporalities,  they 
seemed  to  be  in  a  very  flourishing  condition,  for  she 
was  dying  worth  a  very  large  sum  of  money. 

"And  so,  Molly,"  said  the  minister,  "you  tell  me 
you  are  worth  so  much  money?  " 

"Indeed,  minister,"  replied  Molly,  "  I   am." 

"And  you  tell  me,  too,"  continued  the  minister, 
"  that  j'ou  made  all  that  money  by  filling  the 
noggin  ?  " 

"  '  Na,  na,  minister,"  said  the  dying  woman;  "I 
didna  tell  you  that.  I  made  the  maist  of  it  by  not 
filling  the  noggin." 

Two  Views  of  a  Divine  Call 
Of  Scotland's  great  preacher,  the  late  Rev.  Dr. 
Macleod,  the  following  is  told  :  In  visiting  his  Dal- 
keith parishioners  to  say  farewell,  he  called  on  one 
of  those  sharp-tongued  old  ladies  whose  privileged 
gibes  have  added  so  much  to  the  treasury  of  Scottish, 
humor. 

To  her  he  expressed  his  regret  at  leaving  his  friends 
at  Dalkeith,  but  stated  that  he  considered  his  invita- 
tion to  Glasgow  in  the  light  of  "  a  call  from 
the  Lord." 

"Ay,  ay,"  was  the  sharp  response;  "but  if  the 
Lordhadna  called  you  to  a  better  steepend,  it  might 
hae  been  lang  gin  ye  had  heard  Him  !  " 

A  Scotch  View  of  Shakespeare 

A  Scotchman  was  asserting  that  some  of  the  most 
celebrated  poets  and  brightest  intellects  the  world 
ever  produced  were  descendants  of  his  race,  and 
quoted  Scott,  Burns,  and  others  as  evidence. 

An  Englishman  wlio  was  present  retorted  :  "  I  sup- 
pose that  y<ju  will  claim  ne.\t  that  even  Shakespeare 
was  a  Scotchman." 

"  Weel,"  he  replied,  "I'm  nae  so  sure  o'  that; 
but  ane  thing  I  do  ken — he  had  intellect  eneiich  for  a 
Scotchman.'" 

"As  Guid  Deid  as  Leevin !  " 
There  was  a  mixture  of  shrewdness  and  simplicity 


Scotcb  TlOit  anO  Ibumot  59 

in  the  following  :  Shortly  after  the  establishment  of 
the  Ministers'  Widows'  Fund,  the  minister  of  Cran- 
shaws  asked  in  marriage  the  daughter  of  a  small 
farmer  in  the  neighborhood. 

The  damsel  asked  her  father  whether  she  should 
accept  the  clergj-man's  offer.  "Oh,"  said  the  sire, 
"  tak'  him,  Jenny  ;  he's  as  gude  deid  as  leevin."  The 
farmer  meant  that  his  daugliter  would,  owing  to  the 
new  fund,  be  equally  well  off  a  widow  as  a  wife. 

The  Mercy  of  Providence 

Au  old  minister  was  once  visiting  his  hearers,  and 
accosted  a  humble  farmer  who  had  been  lazy  with  his 
crops  in  the  wet  season.  "  I  hear,  Jamie,"  said  the 
minister,  "  that  ye  are  behind  with  your  harvest." 

"Oh,  sir,"  was  the  reply,  "I  hae  got  it  all  in 
except  three  wee  stacks,  and  I  leave  them  to  the 
mercy  of  Providence." 

A  Scotch  Curtain  Lecture  on  Profit  and  Pain 

The  man  who  said  this  was  not  an  athiest,  but 
simply  a  druggist — a  Scotch  druggist — who  was 
aroused  by  the  ringing  of  his  night-bell.  He  arose, 
went  downstairs,  and  served  a  customer  with  a  dose 
cf  salts. 

His  wife  grumbled  :  "  What  profit  do  you  get  out 
of  that  penny  ?  '' 

"  A  ha'penny,"  was  the  reply. 

"  And  for  that  ha'penny  you'll  be  awake  a  long 
time,"  rejoined  the  wife. 

"A-weel,"  replied  the  placid  druggist,  "the  dose 
of  salts  will  keep  him  awake  much  longer ;  let  us 
thank  Heaven  that  we  have  the  profit  and  not  the 
pain  of  the  transaction." 

A  Definition  of  "  Fou  " 
A  gentleman  recently  gave  an  entertainment  in 
London  on  the  peculiarities  of  Scotchmen,  in  the 
course  of  which  he  gave  this  definition  of  the  national 
word  fou  :  "  Being  gently  excited  by  the  moderate 
use  of  dangerous  beverages." 


60  Scotcb  mit  aiiD  Ibumor 

The  Journeyman  Dog 

A  gentleman,  staying  in  tlie  family  of  a  sheep- 
farmer,  remarked  that  daily  as  the  family  sat  down 
to  dinner  a  shepherd's  dog  came  in,  received  its  por- 
tion, and  soon  after  disappeared. 

"  I  never  see  that  dog  except  at  dinner,"  said  the 
visitor. 

"  The  reason  is,"  said  the  farmer,  "  we've  lent  him 
to  oor  neibor,  Jamie  Nicol,  and  we  telt  him  to 
come  hame  ilka  day  to  his  dinner.  When  he  gets  his 
dinner,  puir  beast,  he  gaes  awa'  back  till  his  wark." 

Church  Economy 

A  congregagtion  was  once  looking  out  for  a  minister, 
and  after  hearing  a  host  of  candidates  with  more  or 
less  popular  gifts,  their  choice  fell  upon  a  sticket  pro- 
bationer, whose  election  caused  great  surprise  in  the 
country. 

One  of  the  hearers  was  afterward  asked  by  an 
eminent  minister  how  the  congregation  could  have 
brought  themselves  to  select  such  a  minister. 

His  reply  was  quite  characteristic  :  "  Weel,  we  had 
twa  or  three  reasons  —  first,  naebody  reconnnended 
him  ;  then  he  was  nae  studier,  and  besides,  he  had 
money  in  the  bank." 

It  appeared  that  of  the  two  former  ministers,  who 
had  not  come  up  to  expectation,  one  of  them  had 
brought  flaming  testimonials,  and  the  other  had 
buried  himsL-lf  among  his  books,  so  that  the  people 
never  saw  him  but  in  the  ])uli)it,  while  the  third  rea- 
son was,  perhaps  the  most  cogent  of  all,  for  the 
people  did  not  care  to  burden  themselves  with  a  too 
generous  support  of  their  jiastor. 

In  another  case  the  ministi.r  usuri)ed  the  functions 
of  session  and  committee,  an  1  ignored  the  office  bearers 
altogetlier.  Oue  of  the  elders  observed  to  another 
one  Sunday  morning,  as  the  minister  was  trotting  up 
to  the  meeting-house  on  his  smart  little  i^ny,  "  It'so 
a  fine  wee  ])owny  the  minister  rides." 

"Ay,"  said  the  other,  ''it's  a  gey  strange  ane  ;  it 
can  carry  minister,  session,  and  committee  without 
turnin'  a  hair." 


Scotcb  TlClit  ano  Ibumor  61 

Tired  of  Standing 

A  Paisley  man,  visiting  Glasgow,  much  admired 
the  statue  of  Sir  John  Moore,  which  is  an  erect  figure. 
Soon  afterwards  he  brought  another  Paisley  man  to 
see  the  statue,  but  not  being  topographically  posted, 
he  stared  at  the  statue  of  James  Watt,  which  is  in  a 
sitting  attitude.  Feeling  somewhat  puzzled  as  to  the 
identity  of  what  was  before  him  with  what  he  recol- 
lected to  have  seen,  he  disposed  of  the  difficulty  by 
exclaiming  :  "  Odds,  man,  he's  sat  down  since  I  last 
saw  him  '  " 

Religious    Loneliness 

"  How  is  your  church  getting  on?"  asked  a  friend 
of  a  religious  Scotchman,  who  had  separated  in  turn 
from  the  Kirk,  the  Free  Church,  the  United  Presby- 
terian, and  several  lesser  bodies. 

"  Pretty  weel,  pretty  weel.  There's  naebody 
belongs  to  it  now  but  my  brither  and  mysel',  and  I 
am  sure  o'  Sandy's  soundness." 

Prison  Piety 

Every  place  has  its  advantages,  even  the  lock-up. 
A  Scotch  "  gentleman,"  who  had  been  guilty  of  some 
irregularity  that  demanded  his  compulsory  withdrawal 
from  polite  society  for  sixty  days,  was  asked,  after 
his  release,  as  to  how  he  "got  on." 

"Weel,"  replied  he,  "ye  see,  a  body  canna  hae 
everything  in  this  life  ;  and  I'm  no  gaun  to  misca' 
the  place,  no'  me.  For  a'  the  time  I  was  there — just 
twa  months,  note,  by-the-by — I  was  weel  proteckit 
frae  the  wiles  o'  a  wickit  worl'  outside,  while  my 
'  bread  was  aye  gi'en  me  and  my  water  sure.'  " 

A  Successful  Tradesman 
One  day,  during  a  snow  storm,  the  Rev.  George 
More  was  riding  from  Aberdeen  to  a  village  in  the 
vicinity  of  the  town.  He  was  enveloped  in  a  Spanish 
cloak,  and  had  a  shawl  tied  round  his  neck  and 
shoulders.  These  loose  garments,  covered  with  snow, 
and  waving  in  the  blast,  startled  the  horse  of  a  "  bag- 
man," who  chanced  to  ride  past.     The  alarmed  steed 


62  Scotcb  mtt  aiiD  Ibumor 

plunged,  and  very  nearly  threw  itJ  rider,  who 
exclaimed  : 

"  Why,  sir,  you  would  frij^hten  the  very  devil !  "  . 

"  I  am  glad  to  hear  that,"  said  Mr.  More,  "for  it's 
just  my  trade." 

Multum  in  Parvo 
A  Highland  porter,  observing  a  stranger  looking 
intently  on  the  Rev.   Dr.  Candlish,  who  was  of  small 
stature,    said,    "  Ay,    tak'   a   gude    look — there's    no 
muckle  o'  him,  but  there's  a  deal  in  him  !  " 

When  Asses  May  Not  Be  Parsons 
In  the  pulpit  one-half  of  Dr.  Guthrie's  rich  nature 
was  necessarily  restrained.  He  could  be  pathetic 
there,  but  not  humorous  ;  though  we  did  once  hear 
him  begin  a  sermon  by  saying  that  God  on  one  occa- 
sion used  an  ass  to  preach  to  a  sinner,  but  that  He 
was  not  in  the  way  of  using  asses  when  He  could  get 
better  instruments  ! 

A  Scotch  Version  of  the  Lives  of  Esau  and 
Jacob 

Within  the  grounds  of  Hamilton  Palace,  in  the  wtst 
of  Scotland,  is  a  mausoleum.  The  v>'alls  are  orna- 
mented with  bas-reliefs  forming  Bible  illustrations. 
These  have  been  paraphrased  in  verse  by  a  local 
bard.  One  of  the  series  is  a  history  of  Jacob,  and 
from  it  the  following  extracts  are  taken.  The  br  hers 
are  thus  introduced  : 

When  Esau  and  Jacob  were  boys, 

A  wild  boy  Esau  was  ; 
Jacob  was  a  peaceable  boy. 

But  Esau  loved  the  chase. 
One  day  from  hunting  he  came  home, 

A  hungry  man  was  he  ; 
Jacob  some  famous  pottage  had. 

Which  soon  caught  Esau's  e'e. 

Rebekah  instructs  Jacob  in  the  proposed  deception 
of  Isaac,  but  he  is  fearful  of  discovery.  The  former 
replies  : 


Scotcb  ^cait  anD  Ibumoc  63 

No  fear  of  that,  my  darling  son  ; 

Just  do  as  I  direct — 
I  will  j-ou  dress  up  for  the  scene, 

That  he  will  ne'er  suspect. 

Jacob  obeys  : 

Awaj-  he  went  as  he  was  bid, 

And  quickly  he  them  slew  ; 
His  mother  straightway  did  them  cook 

And  made  a  fav'rite  stew. 

Isaac  is  suspicious  of  Jacob  : 

Then  Isaac  unto  Jacob  said, 

"  Come  near  to  me,  I  pray. 
That  I  mayyVi?/  it  is  the  truth 

That  unto  me  you  say." 
Then  Jacob  he  went  unto  him, 

And  he  his  hands  did  feel. 
"  The  hands  are  Esau's  hands,  my  son, 

But  it's  like  Jacob's  squeal." 

Faint  Heart  Never  Won  Fair  Lady 
An  anecdote  is  told  of  Professor  Haldane,  of 
St.  Andrews,  one  of  the  most  estimable  of  men,  yet, 
in  spite  of  a  pleasing  person,  a  genial  manner,  a  good 
house  and  a  handsome  competency,  he  was  well- 
advanced  in  life  before  he  could  make  up  his  mind  to 
marry.  When  it  was  reported  that  he  had  fitted  up 
his  house  afresh,  it  was  supposed  that  he  was  going 
to  change  his  state.  On  a  given  daj-,  at  an  hour 
unusually  early  for  a  call,  the  good  doctor  was  seen 
at  the  house  of  a  lady  for  whom  he  had  long  been 
supposed  to  have  a  predilection,  and  betraying  much 
excitement  of  manner  till  the  door  was  opened. 

As  soon  as  he  was  shown  in,  and  saw  the  fair  one 
whom  he  sought  calmly  engaged  in  knitting  stock- 
ings, and  not  at  all  disturbed  by  his  entrance,  his 
courage,  like  that  of  Bob  Acres,  began  to  ooze  out, 
and  he  sat  himself  down  on  the  edge  of  the  chair  in 
such  a  state  of  pitiable  confusion  as  to  elicit  the  com- 
passion of  the  lady  in  question.    She  could  not  under- 


64  Scotcb  XClit  anD  Ibumor 

stand  what  ailed  him,  but  felt  instinctively  that  the 
truest  good  breeding  would  be  to  take  no  notice 
of  his  embarrassment,  and  lead  the  conversation 
herself. 

Thus,  then,  she  opened  fire  :  "  Weel,  doctor,  hae 
ye  got  through  a'  your  pai)ering  and  painting  yet?" 
(A  clearing  of  the  throat  preparatory  to  speech,  but 
not  a  sound  uttered.)  "I'm  told  your  new  carpets 
are  just  beautifu'."  (A  further  effort  to  clear  the 
throat.)  "They  say  the  pattern  o'  the  dining-room 
chairs  is  something  quite  out  o'  the  way.  In  short, 
that  everything  aboot  the  house  is  perfect." 

Here  was  a  providential  opening  he  was  not  such  a 
goose  as  to  overlook.  He  screwed  up  his  courage, 
advanced  his  chair,  sidled  toward  her,  simpering  the 
while,  raised  his  eyes  furtively  to  her  face,  and  said, 
with  a  gentle  inflection  of  his  voice  which  no  ear  but 
a  wilfully  deaf  one  could  have  misinterpreted  :  "  Na, 

na,    Miss  J n,   it's   no'  quite  perfect ;  it  canna  be 

quite  that  so  lang  as  there's  ae  thing  wanting  !  " 

"And  what  can  that  be?"  said  the  imperturbable 
spinster. 

Utterly  discomfited  by  her  wilful  blindness  to  his 
meaning,  the  poor  man  beat  a  hasty  retreat,  drew 
back  his  chair  from  its  dangerous  ])ro.ximity,  caught 
up  his  hat,  and,  in  tones  of  blighted  hope,  gasped 
forth  his  declaration  in  these  words;  "Eh,  dear! 
Well  'am  sure !  The  thing  wanted  is  a — a — a  side- 
board! '' 


*'  Surely  the  Net  is  Spread  in  Vain  in  the  Sight 
of  any  Bird  " 

Our  May  had  an  ee  to  a  man, 

Nae  less  than  the  newly-placed  preacher, 
And  we  plotted  a  dainty  bit  plan 

For  trappin'  our  spiritual  teacher. 

Oh  !  but  we  were  sly. 
We  were  sly  an'  sleekit ; 

But,  ne'er  say  a  herrin'  is  dry — 
Until  it's  weel  reestit  an'  reekit. 


Scotcb  m\t  an&  Ibumor  65 

We  treated  young  Mr.  M'Gock, 

An'  plied  him  wi'  tea  an'  wi'  toddy, 

An'  we  praised  every  word  that  he  spake, 
Till  we  put  him  maist  out  o'  the  body. 

Oh  !  but  we  were  sly,  etc. 

Frae  the  kirk  we  were  never  awa', 

Except  when  frae  liome  he  was  helpin' 

An'  then  May, — an'  aften  us  a' — 

Gaed  far  an'  near  after  him  skelpin'. 

Oh  !  but  we  were  sly,  etc. 

We  said  aye  what  the  neebors  thocht  droll, 
That  to  hear  him  gang  through  wi'  a  sermon 

Was — though  a  wee  dry  on  the  whole — 
As  refreshin's  the  dew  on  Mount  Hermon. 

Oh  !  but  we  were  sly,  etc. 

But  to  come  to  the  heart  o'  the  nit, 
The  dainty  bit  plan  that  we  plotted 

Was  to  get  a  subscription  afit. 

An'  a  watch  to  the  minister  voted. 

Oh  !  but  we  were  sly,  etc. 

The  young  women  folk  o'  the  kirk 

By  turns  lent  a  han'  in  collectin', 
But  May  took  the  feck  o'  the  mark 

An'  the  trouble  the  rest  o'  directin'. 

Oh  !  but  we  were  sly,  etc. 

A  gran'  watch  was  gotten  belyve, 

An'  May,  wi'  sma'  "  priggin,"  consentit 

To  be  ane  o'  a  party  o'  five 

To  gang  to  the  Manse  an'  present  it. 

Oh  !  but  we  were  sly,  etc. 

We  a'  gied  a  word  o'  advice 

To  May  in  a  deep  consultation, 
To  hae  something  to  say  unco'  nice, 

An'  to  speak  for  the  hale  deputation. 

Oh  !  but  we  were  sly,  etc. 


66  Scotch  rait  niiD  Ibumor 

Takin'  present  an'  speech  baith  in  ban', 

May  delivered  a  bonny  palaver, 
To  let  Mr.  M'Gock  understan' 

How  zealous  she  was  in  his  favor. 
Oh  !  but  we  were  sly,  etc. 

She  said  that  the  gift  was  to  prove 

That  his  female  friends  valued  him  highly. 

But  it  couldna  express  a'  their  love, 
An'  she  glinted  her  ee  at  him  slyly, 
Oh  !  but  we  were  sly,  etc. 

He  put  the  gowd  watch  in  his  fab, 
And  proudly  he  said  he  wad  wear  it, 

An'  after  some  flatterin'  gab. 

He  tauld  May  he  was  goin'  to  be  marriet. 

Oh  !  but  we  were  sly. 
We  were  sly  and  sleekit, 

But  Mr.  M'Gock  was  nae  gowk, 

Wi'  our  dainty  bit  plan  to  be  cheekit. 

Alay  came  home  wi'  her  heart  in  her  mouth 
An'  frae  that  hour  she  turned  a  Dissenter, 

An'  noo  she's  renewin'  her  youth 

Wi'  some  hopes  o'  the  Burgher  Precentor. 

Oh  !  but  she  was  sly. 
She  was  sly  and  sleekit. 

An'  cleverly  opens  ae  door 
As  sune  as  anither  is  sleekit. 

A  Highland  Outburst  of  Gratitude  and  an 
Inburst  of  Hurricane 
"  Ah,  my  friends,  what  causes  have  we  for  grati- 
tude— oh,  yes  ; — for  the  deepest  gratitude  !  Look  at 
the  place  of  our  habitation.  How  grateful  should  we 
be  that  we  do  not  leeve  in  the  far  north — oh,  no ! — 
amidst  the  frost  and  snaw,  and  the  cauld  and  the 
weet — oh,  no ! — where  there's  a  long  day  tae  half  o' 
the  year — oh,  yes  !— and  a  lang  niclit  the  tither — oh, 
yes  ! — that  we  do  not  dei^en^  ujjon  the  aurawry  bore- 
awlis — oh,  no  ! — that  we  do  net  gang  shivering  aboot 
in  skins — oh,  no ! — smoking  amang  the  snow  like 
modiwarts — oh,  no  !  no  ! — And  how  grateful  should  we 


Scotcb  tait  aiiD  Ibumor  67 

be  that  we  do  not  leeve  in  the  far  south,  beneath  the 
equawtor,  and  a  sun  aye  burnin',  burnin'  ;  where  the 
sky's  het— ah,  yes  !— and  yearth's  het,  and  the  water's 
het,  and  ye're  brunt  black  as  a  smiddy— ah,  yes  !— 
where  there's  teegars— oh,  yes  ! — and  lions— oh,  yes  ! 
— and  crocodiles — oh,  yes  ! — and  fearsome  beasts 
growlin'  and  girnin'  at  ye  amang  the  woods  ;  where 
the  very  air  is  a  fever,  like  the  burnin'  breath  o'  a 
iiery  drawgon  ;  that  we  do  not  leeve  in  these  places — 
oh,  no !  no  !  no  !  no  ! — but  that  we  leeve  in  this 
blessit  island  of  oors  callit  Great  Britain— oh,  yes  ! 
yes  !  and  in  that  pairt  of  it  named  Scotland,  and  in 
that  bit  o'  auld  Scotland  that  looks  up  at  Ben  Nevis— 
oh,  yes  !  yes  !  yes  ! — where  there's  neither  frost,  nor 
cauld,  nor  wund,  nor  weet,  nor  hail,  nor  rain,  nor 
teegars,  nor  lions,  nor  burnin'  suns,  nor  hurricanes, 


nor 

Here  a  tremendous  blast  of  wind  and  rain  from 
Ben  Nevis  blew  in  the  windows  of  the  kirk,  and 
brought  the  preacher's  eloquence  to  an  abrupt 
conclusion. 

A  Different  Thing  Entirely 
While  surveying  the  west  coast  of  Scotland,  Captain 
Robinson  had  received  on  board   his  ship  the  Grand 
Duke  Constantine.     As  the  duke  could  only  remain  a 
very  short  time,  the  captain  resolved  to  show  him  as 
much  as  possible  during  his  brief  stay.     Accordingly 
he  steamed  to  lona  on  a  Sunday,  believing  that  day 
especially  suited  for  pointing  out  to  his  royal  visitor 
remains    associated  with   religion.      Landing   on  the 
island    he   waited   on   the  custodian    of   the   ancient 
church  with  the  request  that  he  would  open  it. 
"  Not  so,"  said  the  keeper  ;   "  not  on  Sunday." 
"  Do  you  know  whom  I  have  brought  to  the  island  ?" 
said  the  captain. 

"  He's  the  Emperor  o' a' the  Ru<^sias,  I  ken  by  the  flag," 
responded  the  keeper  ;  "  but  had  it  been  the  Queen  her- 
sel'  I  wadna'  gi'e  up  the  keys  on  the  Lord's  day." 

"  Would  you  take  a  glass  of  whiskey  on  the  Sab- 
bath ?  "   inquired  the  captain. 

"  Thai's  a  different  thing  entirely;'  said  the  keeper. 


63  Scotcb  Ulit  anO  Ibumor 

Canny  Dogs 

The  following  is  given  by  a  Scotcliman  by  way  of 
illustrating  the  kindly  consideration  evinced  by  the 
Scottish  peasantry  towards  the  domestic  animals — 
especially  the  shepherds  to  their  dogs — which  conse- 
quently become  their  attached  companions.  A  min- 
ister calling  to  visit  one  of  his  flock  found  before  the 
fireplace  three  dogs  ajiparently  asleep.  At  the  sound 
of  a  whistle  two  rose  u])  and  walked  out  ;  the  third 
remained  still. 

"  It  is  odd,"  said  the  minister,  "that  this  dog  does 
not  get  up  like  the  others." 

"  It's  no  astonishing  ava,"  said  the  shepherd,  "  for 
it's  no'  his  turn  ;  he  was  oot  i'  the  mornin'." 

A  Compliment  by  Return 

The  minister's  man  at  Lintrathen,  though  suffi- 
ciently respectful,  seldom  indulges  in  the  compli- 
mentary vein.  On  one  occasion  he  handsomely 
acknowledged  a  compliment  by  returning  another. 
The  minister  had  got  married,  and  was  presented 
with  a  carriage,  for  which  John  was  aj^pointed  to  ]>ro- 
vide  a  horse.  Driving  out  with  his  wife,  the  minister 
said  to  John  in  starting,  "  You've  got  us  a  capital 
horse." 

"  Weel,  sir,"  said  John,  "  it's  just  aboot  as  difficult 
as  to  choose  a  gude  minister's  wife,  and  we've  been 
lucky  wi'  baith." 

Curious  Sentence 

Lord  Eskgrove  is  described  by  Lord  Cockburn,  in 
his  "  Memorials'^  as  a  most  eccentric  personage. 

Cockburn  heard  him  sentence  a  tailor  for  murder- 
ing a  soldier,  in  these  words  :  "  And  not  only  did  you 
murder  him,  thereby  he  was  berea-ved  of  his  life,  but 
you  did  thrust,  or  ])ierce,  or  push,  or  ]:)r()ject,  or  propel 
the  li-thall  weapon  through  the  belly  band  of  his  regi- 
mental breeches,  which  were  his   majesty's." 

Advice  to  an  M.  P. 

When  Sir  George  Sinclair  was  chosen  member  of 
Parliament  for  his  native  county,  a  man  came  up  to 


Scotcb  Mit  anD  IDumoc  69 

him  and  said:  "  Noo,  Maister  George,  I'll  gie  ye 
some  advice.  They've  made  ye  a  Parliament  man, 
and  my  advice  to  ye  is,  be  ye  aye  tak-takin'  what  ye 
can  get,  and  aye  seek-seekin'  until  ye  get  mair." 

Stretching  It 

Concerning  the  long-bow,  no  American  effort  can 
surpass  one  that  comes  to  us  from  Scotland  :  It  was 
told  that  Colonel  IM'Dowall,  when  he  returned  from 
the  war,  was  one  day  walking  along  by  The  Nyroch, 
when  he  came  on  an  old  man  sitting  greetin'  on  a 
muckle  stone  at  the  roadside.  When  he  came  up,  the 
old  man  rose  and  took  off  his  bonnet,  and  said  : 

"  Ye're  welcome  hame  again,  laird." 

"  Thank  you,"  said  the  colonel  ;  adding,  after  a 
pause,  "  I  should  surely  know  your  face.  Aren't  you 
Nathan  M'Culloch?" 

"Ye're  richt,  'deed,"  said  Nathan,  "it's  just  me, 
laird." 

"  You  must  be  a  good  age,  now,  Nathan,"  says  the 
colonel. 

"  I'm  no  verra  aul'  yet,  laird,"  was  the  reply  ;  "  I'm 
just  turnt  a  hunner." 

"A  hundred  !"  says  the  colonel,  musing;  "well, 
you  must  be  all  that.  But  the  idea  of  a  man  of  a 
hundred  sitting  blubbering  that  way  !  Whatever  could 
yoii  get  to  cry  about  ?  " 

"  It  was  my  father  lashed  me,  sir,"  said  Nathan, 
blubbering  again  ;  "  an'  he  put  meoot,  so  he  did." 

"  Your  father  !  "  said  the  colonel  ;  "  is  your  father 
a'ive  yet  ?  " 

"  Leevin  !  ay,"  replied  Nathan  ;  "  I  ken  that  the  day 
tae  my  sorrow." 

"  Where  is  he?"  says  the  colonel.  "What  an  age 
he  must  be  !  I  would  like  to  see  him." 

"  Oh,  he's  up  in  the  barn  there,"  says  Nathan  ;  "  an 
no'  in  a  horrid  gude  humor  the  noo,  aither." 

They  went  up  to  the  barn  together,  and  found  the 
father  busy  threshing  the  barley  with  the  big  flail,  and 
tearing  on  fearful.  Seeing  Nathan  and  the  laird  com- 
ing in,  he  stojjped  and  saluted  the  colonel,  who,   after 


70  Scctcb  Ulit  anO  IDumor 

inquiring  how  he  was,  asked  him  why  he  had  struck 
Natiian. 

"  The  young  rascal  !  "  says  the  father,  "  there's  nae 
dooin'  \vi'  him  ;  he's  never  oot  o'  mischief.  I  had  to 
lick  him  this  moruln'  /or  //irozcin'  slanes  at  his  grand- 
father !'' 

Driving  the  Deevil  Out 

A  Scotch  minister,  named  Uownes,  settled  in  a 
rural  district  in  the  north  of  Ireland,  where  the  peo- 
ple are  more  Scotch  in  language  and  manners  than  in 
the  land  o'  cakes  itself.  One  evening  he  and  a 
brother  divine  set  out  together  to  take  part  in  some 
religious  service. 

Meeting  one  of  his  jjarisliioners  on  the  way,  the 
latter  quaintly  observed,  "  Weel,  Mr.  Downes,  you 
clergymen  'ill  drive  the  deevil  oot  o'  the  country 
the  nicht  !   ' 

"Yes,"  replied  the  minister,  "we  will.  /  see  yoit 
are  making  your  escape.'" 

Tommy  did  not  use  the  deevil's  name  in  his  pastor's 
presence  again." 

Mental  Aberration 
In  Lanarkshire,  Scotland,  there  lived,  about  fifty 
years  ago,  a  poor  crazy  man,  by  name  Will  Shooler. 
Will  was  a  regular  attendant  of  the  parish  church  in 
the  town,  on  the  ceiling  of  which  there  was,  for  orna- 
ment, a  dove  with  outstretched  wings.  One  Sabbath 
day.  Will,  grew  rather  tired  of  the  sermon,  and 
throwing  his  arms  and  head  back,  he  saw  the  dove, 
and  exclaimed,  "  O  Lord  !  what  a  big  hen  !  " 

Sunday  Shaving  and  Milking 

On  first  going  to  Ross-shire  to  visit  and  preach 
for  my  friend  Mr.  Garment,  I  asked  him  on  the  Satur- 
day evening  before  retiring  to  rest  whether  I  would 
get  warm  water  in  the  morning.  Whereupon  he 
held  up  a  warning  hand,  saying  :   "  Whist,  whist  !  " 

On  my  looking  and  expressing  astonishment,  he 
said,  with  a  twinkle  in  his  eye,  "  Speak  of  shaving  on 
the  Lord's  day  in  Ross-shire,  and  you  never  need 
preach  here  more  !  " 


Scotcb  "Cait  anO  Ibumor  71 

In  that  same  county  Sir  Kenneth  Mackenzie  directed 
my  attention  to  a  servant-girl,  who,  if  not  less  scrupu- 
lous, was  more  logical  in  her  practice.  She  astonished 
her  master,  one  of  Sir  Kenneth's  tenants,  b\-  refusing 
to  feed  the  cows  on  the  Sabbath.  She  was  ready  to 
milk,  but  by  no  means  feed  them — and  her  defence 
shows  that  though  a  fanatic,  she  was  not  a  fool. 

"The  cows,"  she  said — drawing  a  nice  metaphysi- 
cal distinction  between  what  are  not  and  wliat  are 
works  of  necessity  and  mercy  that  would  have  done 
honor  to  a  casuist — "  the  cows  canna  milk  themselves  ; 
so  to  milk  them  is  clear  work  of  necessity  and  mercy ; 
but  let  them  out  to  the  fields,  and  they'll  feed  them- 
selves." Here  certain!}-  was  scriipidosily ;  but  the 
error  was  one  that  leaned  to  the  right  side.      [15] 

A  Typical  Quarrel 
The  story  of  the  happy  young  couple  who  quarreled 
on  the  first  day  of  their  housekeeping  life  about  the 
<'  rat  "  or  the  "  mouse  "  which  ran  out  of  the  fireplace, 
it  seems,  had  its  origin  "  long  time  ago  "  in  the  inci- 
dent thus  done  into  rhyme.  The  last  verse  e.xplains 
the  m3-sterious  mistake : 

John  Davidson,  and  Tib  his  wife. 

Sat  toastin'  their  taes  ae  nicht, 
When  something  startit  in  the  fiuir 

And  blinkit  by  their  sicht. 

*'Guidwife,"  quoth  John,  "did  you  see  that  moose? 

Whar  sorra  was  the  cat?" 
"A  moose?"— "Ay,  a  moose."— "  Na,  na,  guidman. 

It  wasna  a  moose !  'twas  a  rat." 

"Ow,  ow,  guidwife,  to  think  ye've  been 

Sae  lang  aboot  the  hoose. 
An'  no'  to  ken  a  moose  frae  a  rat ! 

■^'an  wasna  a  rat  !  'twas  a  moose  !  " 

"  I've  seen  mair  mice  than  you,  guidman — 

An'  what  think  ye  o'  that? 
Sae  haud  your  tongue,  an'  say  nae  mair — 

I  tell  ye,  it  was  a  rat" 


72  Scotcb  XClit  anO  Tbuinot 

"Me  baud  my  tongue  \ox  yo7i,  guidwife  ! 

I'll  be  mester  o'  this  hoijse — 
I  snw't  as  plain  as  een  could  see, 

An'  I  tell  ye,  il  was  a  tnoose.'^ 

"If  you're  the  mester  of  the  lioose, 

It's  I'm  the  mistress  o't  ; 
An'  I  ken  best  what's  in  the  hoose — 

Sae  I  tell  ye,  //  was  a  ral." 

"Weel,  weel,  guidwife,  gae  mak'  the  brose, 

An'  ca'  it  what  ye  i)lease." 
So  up  she  rose  and   mad'  the  brose, 

While  John  sat  toastin'  his  taes. 

They  supit,  and  supit,  and  supit  the  brose, 

And  aye  their  lips  played  smack  ; 
They  supit,  and  supit,  and  supit  the  brose, 

Till  their  lugs  began  to  crack. 

"  Sic  fules  we  were  to  fa'  out,  guidwife, 

About  a  moose" — "A  what? 
It's  a  lee  ye  tell,  an'  I  say  again, 

It  wasna  a  moose,  'twas  a  rat." 

"  Wad  ye  ca'  me  a  leear  to  my  very  face? 

My  faith,  but  ye  craw  crouse  ! 
I  tell  you,  Tib,  I  never  will  bear  't — 

"'fwas  a  moose" —  " 'Twas  a  rat"— "'Twasa 
moose." 

Wi'  that  she  struck  him  ower  the  pow — 

"  Ye  dour  auld  doit,  tak'  that — 
Gae  to  your  bed,  ye  canker'd  sumph — 

'Twas  a  rat."—"  'Twas  a  moose!  "— "  'Twas  a  rat!" 

She  sent  the  brose  caup  at  his  heels 

As  he  hirjiled  ben  the  hf)o»f  ; 
Yet  he  shoved  out  his  head,  as  he  steekit  the  door. 

And  cried,  "  'Twas  a  moose,  'twas  a  moose  !  " 

But  when  the  carle  fell  asleep 

She  i)aid  him  back  for  that. 
And  roared  into  his  sleepin'  lug, 

"  'Twas  a  rat,  'twas  a  rat,  'twas  a  RAT  !  " 


Scotcb  "Cait  anD  Ibumoc  73 

The  devil  be  \vi'  me  if  I  think 

It  was  a  beast,  at  all — 
Next  morning,  when  she  swepit  the  fluir, 

She  found  wee  Johnnie's  ball  ! 

A  Ready  Student 

Dr.  Richie,  of  Edinburgh,  though  a  very  clever  man, 
once  met  his  match.  When  examining  a  student  as 
to  the  classes  he  attended,  he  said  :  "  I  understand 
you  attend  the  class  for  mathematics?  " 

"  Yes." 
■      "  How  many  sides  has  a  circle  ?  " 

"  Two,"  said  the  student. 

"  Indeed  !    What  are  they  ?  " 

"  An  inside  and  an  outside." 

A  laugh  among  the  students  followed  this  answer. 

The  doctor  next  inquired  :  "  And  you  attend  the 
moral  philosophy  class,  also?  " 

"  Yes." 

"  Well,  you  doubtless  heard  lectures  on  various 
subjects.  Did  you  ever  hear  one  on  '  Cause  and 
Effect?'" 

"  Yes." 

"  Does  an  effect  ever  go  before  a  cause  ?  " 

"Yes." 

"  Give  me  an  instance." 

"  A  barrow  wheeled  by  a  man." 

The  doctor  hastily  sat  down  and  proposed  no  more 
questions. 

Appearing  "  in  Three  Pieces  " 

Wilson,  the  celebrated  vocalist,  was  upset  one  day 
in  his  carriage  near  Edinburgh.  A  Scotch  paper,  after 
recording  the  accident,  said  :  "  We  are  happy  to 
state  he  was  able  to  appear  the  following  evening  in 
three  pieces." 

"Every  Man  to  His  Own  Trade" 

A  worthy  old  Scotch  minister,  who  didn't  object  to 
put  his  hand  to  a  bit  of  work  when  occasion  required 
it,  was  one  day  forking  sheaves  in  the  stackyard  to 


74  Scotcb  XUit  and  Ibumor 

his  man  John,  wlio  was  "  biggin'."  One  of  tlie  wheels 
of  the  cart  on  which  the  minister  was  standing  hap- 
pened to  be  resting  on  a  sheaf,  and  when  tlie  cart  was 
empty  his  reverence  said :  "  That's  them  a'  noo, 
John,  excep'  ane  'at's  aneath  the  wheel,  an'  ye'll  hae 
to  come  an'  gie's  a  lift  up  wi'  the  wheel  ere  I  get  it 
oot."  "  Oh,"  said  John,  "  just  drive  forrit  the  cart  a 
bit."  "  Very  true,  very  true,"  rejoined  the  minister; 
"  every  man  to  his  own  trade." 

From  Different  Points  of  View 

The  following  anecdote  is  related  of  Sir  James 
Mackintosh,  the  Scotch  philosopher  and  historian, 
and  the  celebrated  Dr.  Parr :  Sir  James  had  invited 
the  reverend  doctor  to  take  a  drive  in  his  gig.  The 
horse  became  very  restive  and  unmanageable.  ''  Gen- 
tly, gently.  Jemmy,"  said  the  doctor,  "pray  don't 
irritate  him  ;  always  soothe  your  horse,  whatever  you 
do.  Jemmy  !  You'll  d(j  better  without  me,  I  am  cer- 
tain ;  so  let  me  down,  Jemmy — let  me  down."  Once 
on  lerra  Jirnia,  the  doctor's  views  of  the  case  were 
changed.  "  Now,  Jemmy,  touch  him  up,"  said  he. 
"  Never  let  a  horse  get  the  better  of  you.  Touch  him 
up,  conquer  him,  don't  sjjare  him.  And  now  I'll 
leave  you  to  manage  him — I'll  walk  back." 

Speaking  from  "Notes" 

A  porter  at  a  Scotch  railway  station,  who  had  grown 
grey  in  the  service,  was  one  day  superintending  mat- 
ters on  the  platform,  when  the  parish  minister  stepped 
up  to  him  and  asked  when  the  next  train  arrived  from 
the  south.  The  aged  official  took  off  his  cap  and 
carefully  read  the  hour  and  the  minute  of  the  train 
from  a  document  stuck  in  the  crown. 

Somewhat  surprised  at  this,  the  minister  said: 
"  Dear  me,  John,  is  your  memory  failing,  or  what  is 
up  with  you  ?  You  used  to  have  all  these  matters 
entirely  hy  heart." 

"  Weel,  sir,"  said  John,  "  1  dunna  ken  if  my  mem- 
ory's failin',  or  fat's  up;  but  the  fac'  is  I'm  growin' 
like  yersel' — I  cunna  manage  without  the  paper." 


Scotch  TXlit  an^  Ibumor  75 

"Consecrated"  Ground 

The  Police  Commissioners  of  Broughton  Ferry, 
near  Dundee,  some  time  since  compelled  house  pro- 
prietors to  laj-  down  concrete  on  the  footpath  in  front 
of  their  properties.  An  old  lady,  residing  in  a  cottage, 
proudly  told  a  friend  the  other  day  that  the  front  of 
her  house  had  been  "  consecrated  up  to  the  vera 
doorstep." 

Unanswerable 

When  a  Scotchman  answers  a  question,  he  settles 
the  matter  in  dispute  once  for  all.  On  a  certain  occa- 
sion the  question  was  asked  :  "  Why  was  Mary  Queen 
of  Scots  born  at  Linlithgow  ?  "  Sandy  Kerr  promptly 
answered  :  "  Because  her  mither  was  staying  there, 
sir  ;  "  and  there  actually  seemed  to  be  nothing  more 
to  say  on  the  subject. 

Practical  Thrift 
An  admirable  humorous  reply,  says  Dean  Ram- 
say, is  recorded  by  a  Scotch  officer,  well  known 
and  esteemed  in  his  day  for  mirth  and  humor. 
Captain  Innes,  of  the  Guards  (usually  called  Jack 
Innes  by  his  contemporaries),  was,  with  others,  get- 
ting ready  for  Flushing  or  some  of  those  e.xpeditions 
of  the  great  war.  His  commanding  officer.  Lord 
Huntly,  remonstrated  about  the  badness  of  his  hat, 
and  recommended  a  new  one.  "  Na,  na,  bide  a  wee," 
said  Jack.  "Where  we're  gain',  faith,  there'll  soon 
be  mair  hats  nor  heads."     [7] 

Fool  Finding 
A  Scotch  student,  supposed  to  be  deficient  in  judg- 
ment, was  asked  by  a  professor,  in  the  course  of  his 
examination,  how  he  would  discover  a  fool?  "By 
the  questions  he  would  ask,"  was  the  prompt  and 
highly  suggestive  reply. 

Robbing  on  Credit 
A  Scotch  parson  said  recently,  somewhat  sarcasti- 
cally, of  a  toper,  that  he  put  an  enemy  into  his  mouth 
to  steal  away  his  brains,  but  that  the  enemy,  after  a 
thorough  search,  returned  without  anything. 


76  Scotcb  XUit  anD  Ibuinor 

Goingf  to  the  Doctor's  and  "  Taking  "  Something 

A  Scotch  lad  was  on  one  occasion  accused  of  steal- 
ing some  articles  from  a  doctor's  shoj).  The  judge 
was  mucii  struck  witii  his  resi)ectahle  appearance,  and 
asked  him  why  he  was  guilty  of  such  a  contemptible 
act. 

"  Weel,  ye  see,"  replied  tlie  prisoner,  "  I  had  a  hit 
of  pain  in  my  side,  and  my  mither  tauld  me  tae  gang 
tae  the  doctor's  and  tak'  something." 

"Oh,  yes,"  said  the  judge,  "  but  surely  she  didn't 
tell  you  to  go  and  take  an  eight-day  clock  !  " 

The  prisoner  was  evidently  nonplused,  but  it  was 
only  for  a  moment.  Turning  to  the  judge,  a  bright 
smile  of  humor  stealing  over  his  countenance,  he 
■replied  quietly  : 

"  Tiiere's  an  auld  proverb  that  says,  '  Time  an'  the 
doctur  cure  a'  diseases,'  an'  sae  I  thocht  " — but  the 
remainder  was  lost  in  the  laughter  of  the  court. 

A  Case  in  Which  Comparisons  Were  Odious 

The  late  Rev.  Dr.  John  Hunter,  the  much-loved 
minister  of  the  Tron  Parish,  Edinburgh,  had  a  call 
one  morning  from  one  of  his  many  poor  parishioners, 
who  said  he  had  come  to  ask  a  favor.  On  the  worthy 
minister's  requesting  him  to  sjiecify  its  nature,  he 
replied,  "Weel,  sir,  it's  to  marry  me." 

"Very  good,  John,"  the  minister  said;  "let  me 
know  the  place,  day  and  hour,  and  I  shall  be  at  your 
service." 

"  But,  sir,"  the  bridegroom  answered,  "  it's  the 
noo  !  "     (The  liride  was  waiting  outside.) 

"  Filthy  and  untidy  as  you  are  I  No,  no  ;  go  home 
and  wash,  and  dress  yourself,  and  then  I  shall  be 
prepared  to  perform  the  ceremony." 

"Bless  ye,  sir,  ye  should  see  ker/^'  was  the 
response  of  the  applicant. 

Pulpit  Aids 

y'otine^'-  Jfinis/i'r :  "  I  don't  think,!  need  put  on  the 
gown,  John  ;  it's  only  an  encumbrance." 

Beadle:  "Ay,  sir;  it  makes  ye  mair  impressive — 
an'  ye  need  it  a',  sir,  ye  need  it  a'." 


Scotch  Wit  anO  Ibumor  77; 

Choosing  a  Minister 

The  parish  kirk  of  Driechtor  had  been  rather 
unfortunate  in  its  ministers,  two  of  them  having  gone 
off  in  a  decline  within  a  twelvemonth  of  their  appoint- 
ment, and  now,  after  hearing  a  number  of  candidates 
for  the  vacancy,  the  members  were  looking  forward 
with  keen  interest  to  the  meeting  at  which  the  election 
takes  place. 

"  Weel,  Marget,"  asked  one  female  parishioner  of 
another,  as  they  foregathered  on  the  road  one  day, 
"  wha  are  you  gaun  to  vote  for?  " 

"  I'm  just  thinkin'  I'll  vote  for  nane  o'  them.  I'm 
no  muckle  o'  a  judge,  an'  it'll  be  the  safest  plan," 
was  Marget's  sagacious  reply. 

"  Toots,  woman,  if  that's  the  way  o't,  vote  wi'  me." 

"  An'  hoo  are  you  gaun  to  vote?  " 

"  I'm  gaun  to  vote  for  the  soundest  lungs,  an'll  no 
bother  us  deein'  again  in  a  hurry." 

Prince  Albert  and  the  Ship  s  Cook 

During  the  earlier  visits  of  the  royal  family  to 
Balmoral,  Prince  Albert,  dressed  in  a  very  snnple 
manner,  was  crossing  one  of  the  Scotch  lakes  in  a 
steamer,  and  was  curious  to  note  everything  relating 
to  the  management  of  the  vessel,  and  among  other 
things,  the  cooking.  Approaching  the  galley,  where 
a  brawny  Highlander  was  attending  the  culinary 
matters,  he  was  attracted  by  the  savory  odors  of  a 
compound  known  by  Scotchmen  as  "hodge-podge," 
which  the  Highlander  was  preparing. 

"What  is  that?  "asked  the  prince,  who  was  not 
known  to  the  cook. 

"  Hodge-podge,  sir,"  was  the  reply. 

"  How  is  it  made?"  was  the  next  question. 

"  Why,  there's  mutton  intil't,  and  turnips  intil't, 
and  carrots  intil't  and 

"  Yes,  yes,"  said  the  prince,  who  had  not  learned 
that  "intil't"  meant  "into  it;"  "but  what  is 
intil't?" 

"  Why,  there's  mutton  intil't,  and  turnips  intil't, 
and  carrots  intil't  and " 


78  Scotcb  IXXit  anD  Ibumor 

"  Yes,  I  see,  but  what  is  intil't  ?  " 

The  man  looked  at  him,  and  seeing  the  prince  was 
serious,  he  replied  :  "  There's  mutton  intil't,  and  tur- 
nijis  intil't  and " 

"Yes,  certainly,  I  know,"  urged  the  inquirer; 
"  but  what  is  intil't— intil't  ?  " 

"  Ye  daft  gowk,"  yelled  the  Highlander,  brandishing 
a  large  spoon,  "  am  I  no'  telling  ye  what's  intil't ! 
There's  mutton  intil't  and " 

Here  the  interview  was  brought  to  a  close  by  one 
of  the  prince's  suite,  who  was  fortunately  passing, 
and  stepped  in  to  save  his  royal  highness  from 
being  rapped  over  the  head  with  the  big  spoon  while 
in  search  of  information  from  the  cook. 

"  To   Memory  '  Dear'  " 

"Jeems,"  said  the  laird  one  day  to  his  gardener, 
"there  was  something  I  was  going  to  ask  you,  but 
man,  for  the  life  o'  me  I  canna  mind  what  it  was." 
"  Mebbe,"  said  Jeems,  who  had  received  no  pay  for 
three  weeks,  "  mebbe,"  said  he,  "it  was  to  spier  at 
me  fat  wey  I  was  keepin'  body  and  soul  thegither  on 
the  wages  I  wasna  gettin'." 

Good  "for   Nothing  "—not   the    Goodness  Worth 

Having 

It  was  a  wet  day  and  Jamie  Stoddart  could  not  go 
out  to  play  ;  Mrs.  Stoddart,  who  had  just  cleared 
away  the  breakfast  things,  and  was  about  to  com- 
mence a  big  heap  of  ironing,  noticed  sighs  of  incipi- 
ent restlessness  in  the  laddie,  and  said  ;  "  Now,  I 
hope  you'll  be  a  good  boy  the  day,  Jamie ;  I've  an 
awfu'  lot  o'  work  to  dae,  an'  I  can't  have  you  bother- 
ing me."  "  Wull  ye  gie  me  a  penny  if  I'm  awfu' 
guid  a'  day  lang?  "  asked  her  son.  "  Mebbe  I  will," 
was  the  reply  ;  "  but  would  it  no'  be  better  to  be  a 
guid  laddie  just  to  please  me  ?  "  "  I'm  no'  sae  shuir 
o'  that,"  answered  the  laddie,  reflectively.  "  Ma 
teacher  at  the  schule  says  it  aye  better  to  be  good 
even  for  a  little,  than  to  be  guid  for  naething."  He 
got  that  penny. 


Scotcb  lait  anO  Ibunior  79 

"The   Weaker   Vessel" 

The  minister  of  a  parish  in  Scotland  was  called  in 
some  time  ago  to  effect  a  reconciliation  between  a 
fisherman  of  a  certain  vilage  and  his  wife.  After 
using  all  the  arguments  in  his  power  to  convince  the 
offending  Imsbanci  that  it  was  unmanly  in  him,  to  say 
the  least  of  it,  to  strike  Polly  with  his  fist,  the  minis- 
ter concluded  :  "  David,  you  know  that  the  wife  is 
the  weaker  vessel,  and  you  should  have  pity  on  her." 

"Weel,  then,"  said  David,  sulkily,  "if  she's  the 
weaker  vessel  she  should  carrj-  the  less  sail." 

Minding  His  Business 
An  Englishman  traveling  in  the  north  of  Scotland, 
came  up  to  a  macadamizer  of  the  roads,  and  while  he 
was  busy  breaking  the  road  metal,  asked  him  if  the 
direction  in  which  he  was  going  was  the  way  to  Aber- 
deen. The  laborer,  glad  to  rest  himself  a  little, 
dropped  his  hammer,  and  said  quietly  to  the  stranger, 
"  Now,  where  cam'  ye  from  ?  "  The  traveler,  nettled 
at  not  receiving  a  direct  answer,  asked  him,  "  What 
business  have  you  with  where  I  came  from?"  The 
macadamizer,  taking  up  his  hammer  and  beginning 
to  resume  his  occupation,  said,  "  Oh,  just  as  little 
business  as  where  you  are  gauin  to  !  " 

"  Married  !  "—Not  "  Living  " 

"Wee!,  Girzie,  how  are  ye  leevin' ? "  said  one. 
"Me  I  I'm  no  leevin'  at  a'.     I'm  mairret !  " 

A  Powerful  Preacher 

Shortly  after  a  Congregational  chapel  had  been 
planted  in  the  small  burgh  of  Bonnytown,  an  incident 
occurred  which  showed  that  the  powers  of  its  minister 
were  appreciated  in  certain  quarters.  A  boy,  named 
Johnny  Fordyce,  had  been  indiscreet  enough  to  put  a 
si.xpence  in  his  mouth  and  accidently  swallowed  it. 
Mrs.  Fordyce,  concerned  both  for  her  boj'  and  the 
sixpence,  tried  every  means  for  its  recovery,  consulted 
her  neighbors,  and  finally  in  despair  called  in  a  doc- 
tor, but  without  result.     As   a  last   resort,  a  womaa 


so  Scotcb  "CQit  anD  Ibumor 

present  suggested  that  they  should  send  for  the  Con- 
gregationalist  "  meenister."  "The  meenister,"  cho- 
rused mother  and  neighbors.  "  Ay,  the  meenister," 
rejoined  the  old  dame  ;  "  od's,  if  there's  ony  money 
in  him  he'll  sune  draw  it  oot  o'  'm  !  " 


Lost  Dogs 

"  What  dogs  are  these,  Jasper  ?  "  inquired  a  gentle- 
man of  a  lad,  who  was  dragging  a  couple  of  v/aspish- 
looking  terriers  alcng  a  street  in  Edinburgh.  "  I  dinna 
ken,  sir,"  replied  the  urchin;  "they  came  wi'  the 
railway,  and  they  ate  the  direction,  and  dinna  ken 
whar  to  gang." 

Stratagem  of  a  Scotch  Pedlar 

Early  in  the  nitieteenth  century,  Sandy  Frazer,  a 
native  of  the  northern  part  of  this  island — who  by 
vending  of  linen,  which  he  carried  around  the  country 
on  his  back,  had  acquired  the  sum  of  one  hundred 
pieces  of  gold — resolving  to  extend  his  business  by  the 
addition  of  other  wares,  set  out  for  London,  in  order 
to  purchase  them  at  the  best  advantage.  When  he  had 
arrived  within  a  few  miles  of  the  end  of  his  journey, 
he  was  obliged  to  take  shelter  in  a  house  of  entertain- 
ment— which  stood  in  a  lonely  part  of  the  road — froni 
a  violent  storm  of  wind  and  rain.  He  had  not  been 
there  long,  before  he  was  joined  by  two  horsemen  of 
genteel  ajipearance,  who  stoi:)ped  on  the  same  account. 
As  he  was  in  possession  of  the  fire-side,  they  were' 
under  necessity  of  joining  company  with  him,  in  order 
to  dry  themselves  ;  which  otherwise  the  meanness  of 
his  appearance  would  probably  have  prevented  their 
doing. 

The  new  companions  had  not  sat  long,  before  the 
cheerfulness  of  his  temper,  and  something  uncom- 
monly droll  in  his  conversation,  made  them  invite 
him  to  sup  with  them  at  their  expense  ;  where  they 
entertained  him  so  generously,  that,  forgetting  his 
national  prudence,  he  could  not  forbear  shewing  his 
treasure,  as  a  proof  of  not  being  unworthy  of  the 
honor  they  had  done  him. 


Scotcb  "CClit  anO  Ibumor  si 

The  storm  Iiaving  obliged  tlieni  to  remain  all  nighty 
they  departed  together  the  next  morning  ;  and  as  a 
farther  mark  of  their  regard  they  kept  company  with 
him.  though  he  traveled  on  foot,  till  they  came  into  a. 
solitary  part  of  the  road,  when,  one  of  them,  putting 
a  pistol  to  his  breast,  took  of  him  the  earnings  of  his. 
whole  life,  leaving  him  only  a  single  piece  of  gold, 
which,  by  good  fortune,  he  ha]i]ieiied  to  have  loose  in 
his  pocket.  His  distress  at  such  a  loss  may  be  easily 
conceived  :  however,  he  sank  not  under  it.  A  thought 
instantly  occurred  to  him  how  it  might  possibly  be 
retrieved,  which  he  lost  not  a  moment  in  proceeding 
to  execute.  He  had  observed  that  the  master  of  the 
house,  where  he  had  met  these  two  plunderers, 
seemed  to  be  perfectly  acquainted  with  them  ;  he 
returned  therefore  thither  directly,  and  feigned  to 
have  been  taken  suddenly  ill  on  the  road  with  a  dis- 
order of  the  bowels  ;  called  for  some  wine,  which  he 
had  heated,  and  rendered  still  stronger  with  s])ice. 
All  the  time  he  was  drinking  it,  he  did  nothing  but 
pray  for  his  late  companions  ;  who,  he  said,  had  not 
only  advised  him  to  take  it,  but  had  also  been  so  gener- 
ous as  to  give  him  a  piece  of  gold  (which  he  pro- 
duced) to  pay  for  it;  and  then,  seeming  to  be  much 
relieved,  he  lamented  most  heavily  his  not  knowing^ 
where  to  return  thanks  to  his  benefactors  ;  which  he 
said,  the  violence  of  his  pain  had  made  him  forget  to 
inquire. 

The  master  of  the  house,  to  whom  his  guests  had 
not  mentioned  the  man's  having  money,  that  he 
might  not  expect  to  share  it  with  them,  never  sus- 
pected the  truth  of  his  story,  informed  him  without 
scruple,  who  they  were,  and  where  they  lived.  This 
was  directly  what  he  had  schemed  for.  He  crawled 
away  till  he  was  out  of  sight  of  the  house,  in  order  to 
keep  up  the  deceit,  when  he  made  all  the  haste  he 
could  to  town  ;  and,  inquiring  for  his  spoilers,  he  had 
the  satisfaction  to  hear  they  were  people  in  trade,  and 
of  good  repute  for  their  wealth. 

The  next  morning,  therefore,  as  soon,  as  he  thought 
they  were  stirring,  he  went  to  the  house  of  one  of 
them,  whom  he  found  in  tlie  room  where  his  merchan- 
6 


82  Scotcb  Wit  an^  Ibumor 

dise  was  exposed  for  sale.  The  merchant  instantly 
knew  him  ;  but,  imagining  he  came  on  some  other 
business  (for  he  did  not  think  it  possible  that  he 
could  have  traced  him,  or  even  that  he  could  know 
him  in  his  altered  appearance)  asked  him  in  the 
usual  way  what  he  wanted. 

"  I  want  to  speak  wi'  ye  in  private,  sir,"  he 
answered,  getting  between  him  and  the  door  ;  and 
then,  on  the  merchant's  affecting  surprise—  "  In  gude 
troth,  sir,"  he  continued,  "  I  think  it  is  somewhat 
strange  that  ye  shud  na  ken  Sandy,  who  supped  with 
ye  the  neeght  before  the  laust,  after  au  the  kindness 
ye  shewed  to  him."  Then  lowering  his  voice,  so  as 
not  to  be  overheard  by  the  people  present,  he  told 
him,  with  a  determined  accent,  that  if  he  did  not 
instantly  return  him  his  money,  he  would  apply  to  a 
magistrate  for  redress. 

This  was  a  demand  which  admitted  not  of  dispute. 
The  money  was  paid  him,  gratuity  for  having  lent  it, 
and  his  receipt  taken  to  that  effect  ;  after  which  he 
went  directly  to  the  other,  upon  whom  he  made  a  like 
successful  demand. 

The  Highlander  and  the  Angels 

A  genuine  Highlander  was  one  day  looking  at  a 
print  from  a  picture  by  one  of  the  old  masters,  in 
which  angels  were  represented  blowing  trumpets.  He 
inquired  if  the  angels  played  on  trumpets,  and  being 
answered  in  the  affirmative,  made  the  following  pithy 
remark  : 

"  Hech,  sirs,  but  they  maun  be  pleased  wi'  music. 
I  wonder  they  dinna  borrow  a  pair  o'  bagpipes  !  " 

One  Side  of  Scotch  Humor 

Charles  Lamb  was  present  at  a  party  of  North 
Britons,  where  a  son  of  Burns  was  expected,  and  he 
happened  to  drop  a  remark  that  he  wished  it  were 
the  father  instead  of  the  son,  when  four  of  the  Scotch- 
men started  up  at  once,  saying  that  it  was  impossible, 
because  he  (the  father)  was  dead. 


Scotcb  lUit  anO  Ibumoc  83 

Reproving  a  Miser 

Lord  Braco  was  his  own  factor  and  collected  his 
own  rents,  in  which  duties  he  is  said  to  have  been  so 
rigorously  exact  that  a  farmer,  being  one  rent-day 
deficient  in  a  single  farthing,  he  caused  him  to  trudge 
to  a  considerable  distance  to  procure  that  little  sum 
before  he  would  grant  a  discharge.  When  the  busi- 
ness was  adjusted,  the  countryman  said  to  his  lord- 
ship, "  Now,  Braco,  I  wad  gie  ye  a  shilling  for  a  sight 
o'  a'  the  gowd  and  siller  ye  hae."  "  VVeel,  man," 
answered  the  miser,  "  it's  no  cost  ye  ony  mair  "  ;  and 
he  exhibited  to  the  farmer  several  iron  boxes  full  of 
gold  and  silver  coin.  "  Now,"  said  the  farmer,  "  I'm 
as  rich  as  yourself,  Braco."  "Ay,  man,"  said  his 
lordship,  "  how  can  that  be?"  "  Because  I've  seen 
it,"  replied  the  countryman,  "  and  ye  can  do  nae 
mair." 

A  Shrewd  Reply 

Sir  Walter  Scott  says  that  the  alleged  origin  of  the 
invention  of  cards  produced  one  of  the  shrewdest 
replies  he  had  ever  heard  given  in  evidence.  It  was 
by  the  late  Dr.  Gregory,  of  Edinburgh,  to  a  counsel 
of  great  eminence  at  the  Scottish  bar.  The  doctor's 
testimony  went  to  prove  the  insanity  of  the  party 
whose  mental  capacity  was  the  point  at  issue.  On  a 
cross-interrogation  he  admitted  that  the  person  in 
question  played  admirably  at  whist.  "  And  do  you 
seriously  say,  doctor,"  said  the  learned  counsel, 
"that  a  person  having  a  superior  capacity  for  a  game 
so  difficult,  and  which  requires  in  a  pre-eminent 
degree,  memory,  judgment  and  combination,  can  be 
at  the  same  time  deranged  in  his  understanding?" 
"I  am  no  card  player,"  said  the  doctor,  with  great 
address,  "  but  I  have  read  in  history  that  cards  were 
invented  for  the  amusement  of  an  insane  king."  The 
consequences  of  this  reply  were  decisive. 

Two  Good  Memories 

A  simple  Highland  girl,  on  her  way  home  for  the 
north,  called  as  she  passed  by  Crieff  upon    an    old 


84  Scotcb  wUit  an?  tLnimor 

master  with  whom  she  h.-ul  formerly  served.  Being 
kindly  invited  by  him  to  share  in  the  family  dinner, 
and  the  usual  ceremony  of  asking  a  blessing  having 
been  gone  through,  the  poor  girl,  anxious  to  compli- 
ment, as  she  conceived,  her  ancient  host,  exclaimed  : 
"  Ah,  master,  ye  maun  hae  a  grond  memory,  for  that's 
the  grace  ye  had  when  I  was  wi'  you  seven  years 
ago." 

Compensation 

A  venerable  Scotch  minister  used  to  saj-  to  any  of 
his  flock  who  were  laboring  under  affliction  :  "  Time 
is  short,  and  if  your  cross  is  heavy  you  have  not  far  to 
carry  it." 

Fowls  and   Ducks  ! 

A  Scotchman  giving  evidence  at  the  bar  of  the 
House  of  Lords  in  the  affair  of  Ca])tain  Porteous,  and 
telling  of  the  variety  of  shot  which  was  fired  upon  that 
unhappy  occasion,  was  asked  by  the  Duke  of  New- 
castle what  kind  of  shot  it  was?  "Why,"  said  the 
man  in  his  broad  dialect,  "  sic  as  they  shoot  fools 
(fowls)  wi'  an'  the  like."  "What  kind  of  fools?" 
asked  the  duke,  smiling  at  the  word.  "  Why,  my 
lord,  dukes  (ducks)  and  sic'  kin'  o'  fools." 

Square-Headed 

A  learned  Scottish  lawyer  being  just  called  to  the 
Bench,  sent  for  a  new  tie-wig.  The  peruijuier,  on 
apjjlying  his  a])paratus  in  one  direction  was  oijserved 
to  smile  ;  ujion  which  the  judge  desired  to  know  what 
ludicrous  circumstance  gave  rise  to  his  mirth  ?  The 
barber  replied  that  he  could  not  but  remark  the 
extreme  leiiffih  of  his  honor's  head.      "  Tiiat's   well," 

said  Lord  S ,  "we  lawyers  have  occasion  for  lon,q^ 

heads /^^  The  barber,  who  by  this  time  had  com- 
pleted the  dimensions,  now  burst  out  into  a  fit  of 
laughter  ;  and  an  exiilanation  being  insisted  on,  at 
last  declared  that  he  could  not  possibly  contain  him- 
self when  he  discovered  that  "  his  lordsliip' s  head  was 
jusl  as  thick  as  it  icas  long  .'  " 


Scotcb  mtt  aiiD  IDumor  85 

Refusing  Information 

Two  Scotclimen  met  the  other  day  on  one  of  the 
bridges  of  Glasgow,  one  of  them  having  in  his  hand  a 
very  handsome  fowling-piece,  when  the  following  dia- 
logue ensued  :  "  Ods,  mon,  but  that's  a  bonny  gun." 
"Ay,  deed  is  it."  '■  Whaur  did  you  get  it?" 
"  Owre  by  there."  "And  wha's  it  for?"  "D'ye 
ken  the  yeditor  of  the  Glasgow  Heraldl  "  "  Ou  ay." 
"  Weel,  it's  nae  for  him." 

Sabbath  Breaking 
The  following  anecdote  is  told  in  illustration  of  the 
Scotch  veneration  for  the  Sabbath  :  A  geologist,  while 
in  the  country,  and  having  his  pocket  hammer  with 
him,  took  it  out  and  was  chipping  the  rock  by  the 
wayside  for  e.xamiiiation.  His  proceedings  did  not 
escape  the  quick  eye  and  ready  tongue  of  an  old 
Scotchwoman.  "What  are  you  doing  there,  man?" 
"Don't  you  see?  I'm  breaking  a  stone."  "Vara 
doing  mair  than  that ;  y'are  breaking  the  Sabbath." 

Highland  Simplicity 

On  one  occasion  a  young  girl  fresh  from  the  West 
Highlands  came  on  a  visit  to  a  sister  she  had  residing 
in  Glasgow.  At  the  outskirts  of  the  town  she  stopped 
at  a  toll-bar,  and  began  to  rap  smartly  with  her 
knuckles  on  the  gate.  The  keeper,  amused  at  the 
girl's  action,  and  curious  to  know  what  she  wanted, 
came  out,  when  she  very  demurely  interrogated  him 
as  follows : 

"  Is  this  Glasco?" 

"Yes." 

"Is  Peggy  in?" 

The  Fall  of  Adam  and  Its  Consequences 

As  might  have  been  e.xpected,  perhaps,  Dean 
Ramsay  is  especially  copious  in  clerical  stories  and 
those  trenching  on  theological  topics.  He  tells  us 
liow  a  man  who  was  asked  what  Adam  was  like,  first 
-described  our  general  forefather  somewhat  vaguely  as 
."just  like  ither  fouk."  Being  pressed  for  a  more 
special  description,  he  likened  him  to  a  horse-couper 


86  Scotcb  XXHit  anD  Ibumor 

known  to  liimself  and  the  minister.  "  Why  was 
Adam  like  that  horse-couper  ?  "  "  Weel,"  replied  the 
catechumen,  "  naebody  got  onything  by  him,  and 
mony  lost." 

Remarkable  Presence  of  Mind 
A  well-known  parsimonious  Scottish  professor  was 
working  one  day  in  his  garden  in  his  ordinary  beggar- 
like attire,  and  was  alarmed  to  see  the  carriage  of  the 
great  man  of  the  parish  whirling  rapidly  along  the 
road  to  his  house.  It  was  too  late  to  attempt  a 
retreat,  and  get  himself  put  in  order  to  receive  "  my 
lord."  To  retreat  was  impossible  ;  to  remain  there 
and  as  he  was,  to  be  shamed  and  disgraced.  With  a 
promiJtitiide  seldom  or  never  surpassed,  he  struck  his 
battered  hat  down  on  his  shoulders,  drew  up  his 
hands  into  the  sleeves  of  his  ragged  coat,  stuck  out 
his  arms  at  an  acute  angle,  planted  his  legs  far  apart, 
and  throwing  rigidity  into  all  his  form,  stood  thus  in 
the  potato  ground,  the  very  beau-ideal  of  what  in 
England  is  called  a  "scarecrow,"  in  Scotland  "a 
potato-bogle,"  never  suspected  by  the  visitors  as  they 
drove  up  to  the  front  entrance,  while  he  made  for  the 
back  door  to  don  his  best  suit. 

Beginning  Life  Where  He  Ought  to  Have 
Ended,  and  Vice  Versa 
A  worthy  Scotch  couple,  when  asked  how  their  son 
had  broken  down  so  early  in  life,  gave  the  following 
explanation  :  "  When  we  began  life  together  we 
worked  hard  and  lived  on  porridge,  and  such  like; 
gradually  adding  to  our  comforts  as  our  means 
improved,  until  we  were  able  to  dine  of?  a  bit  of  roast 
beef,  and  sometimes  a  boiled  chickie  (chicken)  ;  but 
Jack,  our  son,  he  worked  backwards  and  began  with 
the  chickie  first." 

How  to  Exterminate  Old  Thieves 
The    humorous,    but    stern    criminal    judge.    Lord 
Braxfield,  had  a  favorite  maxim  which  he  used  fre- 
quently to  repeat :   "  Hang  a  thief  when  he's  young, 
and  he'll  no  steal  when  he's  auld." 


Scctcb  Ulit  an?  Ibumor  87 

A  Sympathetic  Hearer 

An  old  minister  in  the  Clieviots  used,  when  excited 
in  the  pulpit,  to  raise  his  voice  to  a  loud  half-whimper, 
half-whine.  One  day  a  shepherd  had  brought  with 
him  a  young  collie,  who  became  so  thrilled  by  the 
high  note  of  the  preacher  that  he  also  broke  out  into 
a  quaver  so  like  the  other  that  the  minister  stopped 
short.  "  Put  out  that  collie,"  he  said,  angrily.  Tlie 
shepherd,  equally  angry,  seized  the  animal  by  the 
neck,  and  as  he  dragged  him  down  the  aisle,  sent 
back  the  growling  retort  at  the  pulpit,  "  It  was  yersel' 
begond  it ! " 

Ginger  Ale 

A  short  time  since,  a  bailie  of  Glasgow  invited 
some  of  his  electioneering  friends  to  a  dinner,  during 
which  the  champagne  circulated  freely,  and  was  much 
relished  by  the  honest  bodies;  when  one  of  thein, 
more  fond  of  it  than  the  rest,  bawled  out  to  the  ser- 
vant who  waited,  "  I  say,  Jock,  gie  us  some  mair  o' 
that  ginger yill,  will  ye  ?  " 

A  Conditional  Promise 

At  Hawick,  the  people  used  to  wear  wooden  clogs, 
which  made  a  clanking  noise  on  the  pavement.  A 
dying  old  woman  had  some  friends  by  her  bedside, 
who  said  to  her  :  "  Weel,  Jenny,  ye  are  gaun  to 
heaven,  and  gin  ye  should  see  our  folk,  ye  can  tell 
them  that  we're  all  weel."  To  which  Jenny  replied  : 
"  Weel,  gin  I  should  see  them,  I'se  tell  'em.  But  you 
mauni.a  expect  that  I'se  to  gang  clank,  clanking  thro 
heaven  looking  for  your  folk." 

Scripture  Examination 

An  old  schoolmaster,  who  usually  heard  his  pupils 
once  a  week  through  Watts'  Scripture  History,  and 
afterwards  asked  them  promiscuously  such  questions 
as  suggested  themselves  to  his  mind,  one  day  desired 
a  young  urchin  to  tell  him  who  Jesse  was  ;  when  the 
boy  briskly  replied,  "  The  Flower  of   Dunblane,  sir." 


88  Scotcb  "WHit  anO  Ibumot 

A  Minor  Major 

Lord  Annandale,  one  of  the  Scotcli  judges,  had  a 
son,  who,  at  the  age  of  eleven  or  twelve,  rose  to  the 
rank  of  a  major.  One  morning  his  lady  mother, 
hearing  a  noise  in  the  nitrse>y,  rang  to  know  the 
cause  of  it.  "It's  only,"  said  the  servant,  "the 
major  greetiii'  (crying)  for  his  porridge  !  " 

A  Cute  Way  of  Getting  an   Old  Account 

An  old  Scotch  grave-digger  was  remonstrated  with 
one  day  at  a  funeral  for  making  a  serious  over-charge 
for  digging  a  grave.  "  Weel,  ye  see,  sir,"  said  the 
old  man,  in  explanation,  making  a  motion  with  his 
thumb  towards  the  grave,  "  him  and  me  had  a  bit  o' 
a  tift  twa-tiiree  years  syne  owre  the  head  of  a  watch  I 
selt  him,  an'  I've  never  been  able  to  get  the  money 
oot  o'  him  vet.  '  Now,'  says  I  to  myself,  '  this  is  my 
last  cliance,  an'  I'll  better  tak'  it.'  " 

"Hearers  Only — Not  Doers" 

Could  anything  be  better  than  the  improvement  of 
a  minister  of  Arran,  who  was  discoursing  on  the  care- 
lessness of  his  flock  ?  "  Brethren,  when  you  leave  the 
church,  just  look  down  at  the  duke's  swans  ;  they  are 
vera  bonny  swans,  an'  they'll  be  sooming  about  an' 
dooking  doon  their  heads  and  laving  theirsels  wi'  the 
clean  water  till  they're  a'  drookit  ;  then  you'll  see 
them  sooming  to  the  shore,  an'  they'll  gie  their  wings 
a  bit  flap  an'  they're  dry  again.  Now,  my  friends, 
you  come  here  every  Sabbath,  an'  I  lave  you  a'  ower 
wi'  the  Gospel  till  you  are  fairly  drookit  wi't.  But 
you  just  gang  awa  ham-,  an'  sit  doon  by  your  fire- 
side, gie  your  wings  a  bit  flap,  an'  ye're  as  dry  as 
ever  again." 

The  Chieftain  and  the  Cabby 

The  following  story  illustrates  the  disadvantage  of 

having  an   article   in   coiumon   use  called  after  one's 

own  name.     The  chief  of  the  clan  Mcintosh  once  had 

a  disiiute  with  a  cabman   about  his   fare.     "  Do  you 


Scotcb  "Cait  anD  Ibumoc  89 

know  who  I  am  ?  "   indignantly  exclaimed  the  High- 
lander ;    "  I  am  the  Mcintosh." 

"  I  don't  care  if  you  are  an  umbrella,"  replied  the 
cabby  ;  "Til  have  my  rights." 

Not  All  Profit 

A  humorous  minister  of  Stirling,  hearing  that  one 
of  his  hearers  was  about  to  be  married  for  the  third 
time,  said  to  him  :  "  They  tell  me,  John,  you  are  get- 
ting money  wi'  her  ;  you  did  so  on  the  last  two  occa- 
sions ;  you'll  get  quite  rich  by  your  wives." 

"'Deed,  sir,"  quietly  replied  John,  "what  wi' 
bringin'  them  in  and  puttin'  them  out,  there's  nae 
muckle  be  made  of  them." 

Pie,  or  Patience  ? 

A  little  Scotch  boy,  aged  five,  was  taking  dinner 
at  his  grandfather's  and  had  reached  the  dessert.  "  I 
want  some  pie,  "  said  young  Angus. 

"  Have  patience,"  said  his  grandmother. 

"Which  would  you  rather  have,  Angus,"  said 
grandfather  ;  "  patience  or  pie  ?  " 

"  Pie,"  replied   Angus,  emphatically. 

"  But  then,"  said  his  grandfather,  "  there  might  not 
be  any  left  for  me." 

"  VVell,"  said  Angus,  "  you  have  some  of  patience." 

How  to  Treat  a  Surplus 
In  a  school  in  Aberdeenshire,  one  day,  a  dull  boy  was 
making  his  way  to  his  master  for  the  third  time  with  an 
arithmetical  question.      The  teacher,  a  little  annoyed, 
exclaimed,  "Come,  come,  John, what'sthematter  now?" 
"  I  canna  get  ma  question  richt,"  replied  the  boy. 
"  What's  wrong  with  it,  this  time?  " 
"  I've  gotten  auchteenpence  ower  muckle." 
"Never    mind,"    said    a     smart    boy,    'in    a    loud 
whisper,  with  a  sly  glance  at  the  master,  "  keep  it  tae 
yersel',  Jock." 

Landseer's  Deadly  Influence 
An    amusing    incident   took    place    during   one  of 
Landseer's  early  visits  to  Scotland.      In  the  course  of 
his  journey  he  stopped  at  a  village,  and  as  his  habit 


t)0  Scotch  Ulit  anO  Ibumor 

was,  took  great  notice  of  the  many  dogs,  jotting  down 
sketches  of  such  as  took  his  fancy  most.  On  the  next 
day  lie  continueci  his  journey.  As  he  passed  through 
the  village,  Landseer  was  surprised  and  horrified  to 
see  dogs  of  all  kinds,  some  of  which  he  recognized, 
hanging  dead  from  trees  or  railings  on  every  side. 
Presently  he  saw  a  boy,  who,  with  tears  in  his  eyes, 
was  hurr_\ing  a  young  pup  towards  the  river  to  drown 
it.  He  questioned  the  urchin,  and  to  his  surprise 
found  that  the  villagers  looked  upon  him  as  an  excise- 
officer,  who  was  taking  notes  of  the  dogs  with  a  view  to 
prosecute  the  owners  of  such  as  had  not  paid  their  tax. 

Trying  One  Grave  First 
An  old  shoemaker  in  Glasgow  was  sitting  bj'  the 
bedside  of  his  wife  who  was  dying.  She  took  him 
by  the  hand  and  said  :  "  Weel,  John,  we're  gowin'  to 
part.  I  have  been  a  gude  wife  to  you,  John."  "Oh, 
just  middling,  Jenny,  just  middliii',"  said  John,  not 
disposed  to  commit  himself.  "John,"  says  she,  "ye 
maun  promise  to  bury  me  in  the  auld  kirkyard  at 
Str'avon,  beside  my  mither.  I  could'na  rest  in  peace 
among  unco'  folk,  in  the  dirt  and  smoke  o'  Glasgow." 
'•  Weel,  weel,  Jenny,  my  woman,"  said  John,  sooth- 
ingly, "  we'll  just  try  ye  in  Glasgow  first,  an'  gin  ye 
dinna  lie  cjuiet,  we'll  try  you  in  Str'avon."     [8] 

"Capital  Punishment" — Modified 
Tw^o  Scotchmen,  turning  the  corner  of  a  street 
rather  sharply,  come  into  collision.  The  shock  was 
stunning  to  one  of  them.  He  i)uHed  off  his  hat,  and, 
laying  his  hand  on  his  forehead,  said  :  "  Sic  a  blow  ! 
My  heed's  a'  ringin'  again  !  " 

"  Nae  wonder,"  said  his  companion  ;  "  j-our  head  was 
aye  empty — that  makes  it  ring.  My  heed  disna  ring 
a  bit." 

"  How  could  it  ring  "  said  the  other,  "  seeing  it  was 
crackit?" 

Matter  More  Than  Manner 
Norman  M'Leod  was  once  preaching  in  a  district  in 
Ayrshire,  where  the  reading  of  a  sermon   is   regarded 
as  the  greatest    fault   of  which  the    minister   can  be 


Scotcb  Mtt  anD  Ibumor  91 

guilty.  When  the  congregation  dispersed  an  old 
woman,  overflowing  with  enthusiasm,  addressed  her 
neighbor.  "  Did  ye  ever  hear  onything  sae  gran'  ? 
Wasna  that  a  sermon  ?  "  But  all  her  expressions  of 
admiration  being  met  by  a  stolid  glance,  she  shouted  : 
"Speak,  woman!  Wasna  that  a  sermon?"  "  Ou 
ay,"  replied  her  friend  sulkily  ;"  but  he  read  it." 
"Read  it !  "  said  the  other,  with  indignant  emphasis. 
"  I  wadna  care  if  he  had  whistled  it." 

Curious  Use  of  a  Word 

The  word  "honest"  has  in  Scotland  a  peculiar 
application,  irrespective  of  any  integrity  of  moral 
character.  It  is  a  kindly  mode  of  referring  to  an 
individual,  as  we  would  say  to  a  stranger  :  "  Honest 

man,  would  you  tell  me  the  way  to ?  "  or  as  Lord 

Hermand,  when  about  to  sentence  a  woman  for  steal- 
ing, began  remonstratively  ;  "  Honest  woman,  what 
gav'd  ye  steal  your  neighbor's  tub?  " 

Finding  Work  for  His  Class,  While  He  Dined 

A  clergyman  in  Scotland,  who  had  appointed  a  day 
for  the  catechising  of  some  of  his  congregation,  hap- 
pened to  receive  an  invitation  to  dinner  for  the  same 
day,  and  having  forgotten  his  previous  engagement, 
he  accepted  it.  Just  as  he  was  mounting  his  gig  to 
depart,  he  perceived  the  first  of  his  class  entering  his 
garden,  and  the  remainder  coming  over  the  hill,  and 
at  once  became  aware  of  the  mistake  he  had  made. 
Here  was  a  fi.x.  But  the  minister's  ready  wit  soon 
came  to  his  assistance. 

"What  have  you  come  for,  John?"  he  asked, 
addressing  the  first  comer. 

"  An'  dee  ye  no'  remember,  sir,  ye  bade  us  come  to 
be  catecheesed  ?  " 

"  Ou,  ay  ;  weel,  no'  to  keep  ye  going  further,  John, 
was  it  a  hoorned  coo  or  a  hemmel  that  Noah  took  into 
the  ark  ?  " 

"  'Deed,  sir,  I  canna  tell." 

"Weel,  turn  back  and  ask  the  ither  folk  the  same 
question,  and  if  they  canna  answer  it,  bid  them  go 
home  and  find  oot." 


92  Scotcb  lllit  all^  ibumor 

The  Value  of  a  Laugh  in  Sickness 
Dr.  Patrick  Scougal,  a  Scottisli  bishop,  in  the  seven- 
teenth century,  beinsj;  earnestly  sought  by  an  old 
woman  to  visit  her  sick  cow,  the  ]M-elate,  after  many 
remonstrances,  reluctantly  consented,  and,  walking 
round  the  beast,  said  gravely,  "  If  she  live,  siie  live  ; 
and  if  she  die,  she  die ;  and  I  can  do  nae  mair  for 
her."  Not  long  afterwards,  he  was  dangerously 
afflicted  with  a  quinsy  in  the  throat  ;  hereujjon  the 
old  woman,  having  got  access  to  his  chamber,  walked 
round  his  bed  repeating  the  same  words  which  the 
bishop  had  pronounced  when  walking  round  the  cow, 
and  which  she  believed  had  cured  the  animal.  At  this 
extraordinary  sight  tlie  bishoj)  was  seized  with  a  fit  of 
laughter,  which  burst  the  cjuinsy,  and  saved  his  life. 

Why  Israel  Made  a  Golden  Calf 
The  following  answer  from  a  little  girl  was  shrewd 

and    reflective.     The    question    was:   "Why  did    the 

Israelites  make  a  goUlen  calf?  " 

"  Thev   hadna   as   nuickle  siller  as  would   mak'  a 

coo':'     [9] 

An  Economical  Preacher's  Bad  Memory 

A  parochial  incumbent,  whose  scene  of  labor  some 
years  ago  bordered  on  the  Strath  of  Blain,  was  blamed 
for  having  an  erroneous  opinion  of  the  memories  of 
his  hearers,  insomuch  as  he  fref|iiently  eiUerlained 
them  with  "  could  kail  hot  again,"  in  the  shape  of 
sermons  that  he  had  previously  given.  On  one  occa- 
sion his  own  memory  allowed  him  to  make  a  slip,  and 
only  one  Sabbath  elapsed  between  the  giving  of  the 
sermon  the  second  time.  After  the  dismissal  of  the 
congreg.'ition,  the  beadle  remarked  to  him,  "  I  hae 
often  heard  ye  blamed,  sir,  for  gein'  us  auld  sermons  ; 
but  they'll  surely  no'  say  that  o'  the  ane  ye  gijd  them 
this  afternoon,  for  its  just  a  fortnicht  sin'  they  heard 
it  afore  in  the  same  place."     [S] 

Sharpening  His  Teeth 

An  English  gentleman,  traveling  in  tlie  Highlands, 
being  rather  late   in   coming  down  to  dinner,  Donald 


Scotcb  Xllit  aiiD  Ibumor  03 

was  sent  upstairs  to  intimate  all  was  ready.  He 
speedily  returned,  nodding  significantly,  as  much  as  to 
say  it  was  all  right. 

"  But,  Donald,"  said  his  master,  after  some  further 
trial  of  a  hungry  man's  patience,  "are  ye  sure  ye 
made  the  gentleman  understand  ?" 

"  Understand!'''  retorted  Donald  (who  had  peeped 
into  the  room  and  found  the  guest  engaged  at  his  toi- 
let) ;  "  I'se  warrant  ye  he  understands  ;  he's  sharpen- 
ing his  teeth— "'  not  supposing  the  toothbrush  could  be 
of  any  other  use. 

Droll  Solemnity 

An  old  maid  of  Scotland,  after  reading  aloud  to  her 
two  sisters,  also  unmarried,  the  births,  marriages,  and 
deaths,  in  the  ladies'  corner  of  a  newspaper,  thus 
moralized:  "Weel,  weel,  these  are  solemn  events, 
death  and  marriage:  but  ye  ken  they're  what  we 
must  a'  come  to." 

"Eh,  Miss  Jenny,  but  ye  have  been  lang  spared  !  " 
was  the  reply  of  the  youngest  sister. 

Matrimony  a  Cure  for  Blindness 

An  example  of  this  truth  is  given  in  the  case  of  a 
sly  old  Scotchman  who,  on  marrying  a  very  young 
wife,  was  rallied  by  his  friends  on  the  inequality  of 
their  ages. 

"She  will  be  near  me,"  he  replied,  "to  close  my 
een." 

"Weel,"  remarked  another  party,  "I've  had  twa 
wives,  and  they  opened  my  een." 

Plain  Speaking 

"  I  was  at  the  manse  the  ither  day,"  said  the  pre- 
centor to  an  old  crony,  "  an'  the  minister  and  me  got 
on  the  crack.  He  says  to  me:  'Jim,'  says  he,  '  I'm 
very  sorry  to  tell  you  that  I  must  advise  you  to  give 
up  your  post,  for  there  are  several  people  complaining 
that  you  cannot  sing  ! ' 

"  'Weel,  sir,'  said  I,  '  I  dinna  think  you  should  be 
in  sic  a  hurry  to  advise  me.     I've  been  telt  a  dizzen 


94  Scotcb  XUit  anO  Ibumor 

times  ye  canna  preach,  Init  I  never  advised  ye  to  gie 
up  your  jilace.' 

"  I  saw  lie  was  vexed,  so  I  jist  said  :  '  Ne'er  heed, 
sir ;  the  fules  '11  hae  to  hear  us  till  we  think  fit  to 
stop.'  " 

Trying  to  Shift  the  Job 

A  country  laird,  at  his  death,  left  his  property  in 
equal  shares  to  his  two  sons,  wliu  continued  to  live 
very  amicably  together  for  many  years.  At  lenj;th 
one  said  to  the  other  :  "  Sam,  we're  getting  auld 
now;  you'll  tak'  a  wife,  and  when  I  dee  ye'll  get  my 
share  o'  the  grund." 

"  Na,  John  ;  you're  the  youngest  and  maist  active; 
you'll  tak'  a  wife,  and  when  I  dee  you'll  get  my 
share." 

"  Od  !  "  says  John  ;  "  Sam,  that's  just  the  way  with 
you  when  there's  any /ash  ur  trouble.  There's  naeth- 
ing  you'll  do  at  a'." 

A  New  Explanation  of  an  Extra  Charge 

The  following  story  is  told  of  a  distinguished  Edin- 
burgh jirofessor  :  Desiring  to  go  to  church  one  wet 
Sunday,  he  hired  a  cab.  On  reaching  the  church  door 
he  tendered  a  shilling — the  legal  fare — to  cabby,  and 
was  somewhat  surprised  to  hear  the  cabman  say  : 
"  Twa  shillin',  sir."  The  professor,  fixing  his  eye  on 
the  extortioner,  demanded  why  he  charged  two  shil- 
lings, U])()n  which  the  cabman  dryly  answered  :  "  We 
wish  to  discourage  traveling  on  the  Sabbath  as  much 
as  possible,  sir." 

National  Thrift  Exemplified 

Nowadaj^s,  when  we  hear  that  patients  are  begin- 
ning to  question  whether  they  are  bound  to  pay  their 
doctors  or  not  unless  a  cure  has  been  effected,  the 
following  anecdote  of  a  cautious  Scotchman  may 
serve  as  a  useful  hint :  A  poor  old  man  had  been  some 
time  ill,  but  refused  to  have  advice,  dreading  the 
doctor's  bill.  At  last  he  gave  in  to  the  repeated 
rec]uests  of  his  family,  and  sent  for  the  doctor.  On 
his  arrival,   the  old    man  greeted  him   with  ;  "  Noo, 


Scotcb  ma  anCi  Ibumoc  95 

doctor,  if  3-e  dinna  think  I  am  worth  repairing,  dinna 
put  much  expense  on  me."  The  doctor,  finding  him 
worth  repairing,  soon  set  him  on  his  legs  again,  and 
the  old  man  considered  his  bargain  a  good  one. 

New  Use  for  a  "  Cosy  " 

A  newly-married  lady,  displaying  her  wedding 
presents  to  an  old  Highland  servant-maid,  shows  a 
fancy  tea-cosy." 

Servant  Maid :  "  That'll  be  a  bonny  present." 

Lady  :  "  It  is,  indeed." 

Servant  Maid :  "Ay,  an'  you'll  pe  shurely  wear 
this  at  a  crand  party  ?  " 

Mending  Matters 

"  Had  you  the  audacity,  John,"  said  a  Scottish 
laird  to  his  servant,  "  to  go  and  tell  some  people  that 
I  was  a  mean  fellow,  and  no  gentleman?"  "  Na, 
na,"  was  the  candid  answer;  "  you'll  no  catch  me  at 
the  like  o'  that.     I  aye  keep  my  thoughts  to  mysel'." 

Degrees  of  Capacity 

Francis  JefTrey  was  an  example  of  a  man  who  had 
acquired  an  artificial  style  and  language,  suitable 
only  for  printed  books  and  a  small  circle  of  friends 
and  associates  in  Edinburgh.  His  diction  and  pro- 
nunciation were  unintelligible  to  the  bulk  of  his 
countrymen,  and  offensive  and  ridiculous  in  the  House 
of  Commons.  His  weight  in  his  party,  his  great  intel- 
ligence, and  the  affection  of  his  friends,  could  not 
prevent  him  from  failing  in  Parliament.  An  amusing 
illustration  is  given  by  an  acquaintance  of  the  con- 
trast between  him  and  his  friend  Henry  Cockburn,  in 
the  examination  of  a  witness.  The  trial  turned  upou 
the  intellectual  competency  of  a  testator.  Jeffrey 
asked  a  witness,  a  plain  countryman,  whether  the 
testator  was  a  man  of  "intellectual  capacity? — an 
intellectual,  shrewd  man? — a  man  of  capacity? — had 
he  ordinary  mental  endowments?" 

"  What  d'ye  mean,  sir  ?  " 

"I   mean,"  replied  Jeffrey,  testily,  "was  the  man 


96  Scotch  tllit  an?  Unimor 

of    sufficient   ordinary    intelligence  to  qualify   him  to 
manage  his  own  affairs?  " 

''  I  dinna  ken,"  replied    the  chafed  and  mystified 
witness  ;  "  Wad  ye  say  the  question  ower  again,  sir?" 
Jeffrey  being  baffled,  Cockburn  took  up  the  exami- 
nation.     He  said  :   "  Ye  kenned  Taniiuas ?" 

"  Ou,   ay  ;   I   kenned   Taminas  weel  ;  me  and   him 
herded  together  when  we  were  laddies." 
"  Was  there  onything  in  the  cretur  ?  " 
"  Deil  a  thing  but  what  the  sjjune  ])ut  in  iiim." 
"  Would   you   have   trusted    him  to  sell    a   ct)W  for 
you  ?  ' ' 

"  A  cow  !  I  wadna  lii)pened  him  to  sell  a  calf." 
Francis  Jeffrey  could  not,  if  he  had  devoted  an 
article  in  the  Edinburgh  Review  to  the  subject,  have 
given  a  more  exact  measurement  than  was  presented 
in  few  words  of  the  capacity  of  the  testator  to  man- 
age  his  own  affairs. 

"  Invisible  and  Incomprehensible  " 

First  Scot :  "  Fat  sort  o'  minister  hae  ye  gotten, 
Geordie?  " 

Second  Scot :  "Oh,  weel;  he's  no  muckle  worth. 
We  seldom  get  a  glint  o'  him  ;  six  days  o'  th'  week 
he's  envees'ble,  and  on  the  seventh  he's  encompre- 
hens'ble." 

Fetching  His  "Character" 

At  a  Scotch  fair  a  farmer  was  trying  to  engage  a 
lad  to  assist  on  the  farm,  but  would  not  finish  the 
bargain  until  he  brought  a  character  from  the  last 
place,  so  he  said  :  "  Run  and  get  it,  and  meet  me  at 
the  cross,  at  four  o'clock." 

The  youth  was  up  to  time,  and  the  farmer  said, 
"  Well,  have  you  got  your  character  with  you  ?  " 

"  Na,"  replied  the  youth  ;  "  but  I've  got  yours,  an' 
I'm  no  comin'." 

Scottish    Negativeness 

If  you   remark  to   an   old   Scotchman  that  "  It's  a 

good  day,"  his  usual  reply  is,  "  Aweel,  sir,  I've  seen 

waur."      Such   a   man  does  not  say  his  wife    is   an 

excellent  woman.      He  says,  "  Ses's  no'  a  bad  body." 


Scotcb  vaxt  auD  IDumor  97 

A  buxom  lass,  smartly  dressed,  is  "  No'  sae  vera 
unpurposelike."  The  richest  and  rarest  viands  are 
"  No'  sae  bad."  The  best  acting  and  the  best  sing- 
ing are  designated  as  "  No'  bad."  A  man  noted  for 
his  benevolence  is  "  No'  the  warst  man  in  the  worilt." 
A  Scotchman  is  always  afraid  of  e.xpressing  unquali- 
fied praise.  He  suspects  if  he  did  so  it  would  tend 
to  spoil  the  object  of  his  laudations,  if  a  person,  male 
or  female,  old  or  young  ;  or,  if  that  object  were  a 
song,  a  picture,  a  piece  of  work,  a  landscape,  or  such, 
that  those  who  heard  him  s])eak  so  highly  of  it  would 
think  he  had  never  in  his  life  seen  or  heard  anything 
better,  which  would  be  an  imputation  on  his  knowl- 
edge of  things.  "A'iV  Ad/nifafi"  is  not  exactly  the 
motto  of  the  normal  Scotchman.  He  is  quite  ready 
to  admire  admirable  things,  but  yet  loath  to  admit  it, 
only  by  inference,  that  he  had  never  witnessed  or 
experienced  anything  better.  Indeed,  he  has  always 
something  of  the  like  kind  which  he  can  quote  to 
show  that  the  person,  place  or  thing  in  question  is 
only  comi)aratively  good,  great,  clever,  beautiful,  or 
grand.  Then,  when  anybody  makes  a  remark,  how- 
ever novel,  that  squares  with  a  Scotchman's  ideas, 
he  will  say,  "That's  just  what  I've  offen  thoucht !  " 
"That's  exactly  ma  way  of  thinking!"  "That's 
just  what  I  aye  say!"  "That's  just  what  I  was 
actually  on  the  point  o'  saying  !  " 

Either  Too  Fast  or  Too  Slow 

An  artist,  returning  from  a  sketching  tour  in  Arran, 
was  crossing  the  mountains  on  his  way  back  to  catch 
the  early  steamer  for  Brodick.  His  watch  had  stopped, 
so  he  could  not  form  an  idea  of  the  time  of  day. 
To  his  joy  he  met  a  shepherd,  of  whom  he  inqured 
the  hour.  The  native,  pulling  out  his  watch,  replied  : 
"  Sir,  it  will  shoost  pe  five  o'clock  on  my  wee  watchy  ; 
but  whether  she'll  be  two  oors  too  slow,  or  two  oors 
too  fast,  I  dinna  ken." 

A  Highland    Servant    Girl    and    the  Kitchen  Bell 

Some  years  ago  a  lady  engaged  a  domestic  servant 

from  the  Highlands.     In  the  evening  the  lady  wanted 

7 


98  ScotcD  Will  auD  HDumoc 

supper  brought  in,  so  she  rang  the  bell.  Not  getting 
any  answer,  she  repeated  the  summons,  but  with  the 
same  effect.  She  tiien  proceeded  to  the  kitchen, 
where  to  her  amazement  she  found  the  servant 
almost  convulsed  with  laughter.  She  pointed  to  the 
bell  and  exclaimed  :  "Assure's  I  leeve  I  never  touched 
it,  an'  its  waggin'  yet ! ' 

Not  Necessarily  Out  of  His  Depth 

In  Scotland  the  topic  of  a  sermon,  or  discourse  is 
called  by  old-fashioned  folk  "  its  ground,"  or,  as  they 
would  say,  "its  grund."  An  old  woman,  bustling 
into  kirk  rather  late,  found  the  preacher  had  com- 
menced, and  opening  her  Bible,  nudged  her  next 
neighbor,  with  the  inquiry:   "What's  the  grund?" 

"  Oh,"  rejoined  the  other,  who  happened  to  be  a 
brother  minister,  and  therefore  a  privileged  critic, 
"  he's  lost  his  grund  long  since,  and  he's  just 
swimming." 

Scotch  Literalness 

"You  must  beware,"  says  Charles  Lamb,  "of  indi- 
rect expressions  before  a  Caledonian.  I  have  a  i^rint, 
a  graceful  female,  after  Leonardo  da  Vinci,  which  I 

was  showing  off  to  Mr. .     After  he  had  examined 

it,  I  asked  him  how  he  liked  '  my  beauty  '  (a  name  it 
goes  by  among  my  friends),  when  he  very  gravely 
assured  me  that  he  '  '  had  very  considerable  respect 
for  my  character  and  talents  ' — so  he  was  pleased 
to  say — '  but  had  not  given  himself  much  thought 
for  the  degree  of  my  personal  pretensions.'  " 

A    Scotch  "  Native  " 

"  Are  you  a  native  of  this  parish  ?  "  asked  a  Scotch 
sheriff  of  a  witness  who  was  sunnnoned  to  testify  in  a 
case  of  illicit  distilling. 

"  Maistly,  yer  honor,"  was  the  reply. 

"  I  mean,  were  you  born  in  this  parish?" 

"  Na,  yer  honor ;  I  wasna  born  in  this  parish,  but 
I'm  maist  a  native  for  a'  that." 


Scotcb  XUit  auD  IDumoc  99 

"  You  come  here  when  you  were  a  child,  I  suppose 
you  mean?"  said  the  sheriff. 

"  Na,  sir,  I'm  just  here  about  sax  year,  noo." 

*'  Then  how  do  you  come  to  be  nearly  a  native  of 
this  parish?" 

"  Weel,  ye  see,  whan  I  cam'  here,  sax  year  sin",  I 
jist  weighed  eight  stane,  an'  I'm  fully  seventeen  stane 
noo  ;  sae  ye  see  that  about  nine  stane  a'  mebelangsto 
this  parish  an'  the  ither  eight  comes  frae  Camlachie." 

"A  Call  to  a  Wider  Sphere  " 
An  old    Highland    clergyman,    who    had    received 

several  calls  to  parishes,  asked  his  servant  where  he 

should   go.     His  servant  said  :  "  Go  where  there  is 

most  sin,  sir." 

The  preacher  concluded  that  good  advice,  and  went 

where  there  was  most  money. 

Why  Janet  Slept  During  Her  Pastor's  Sermon 

Dean  Ramsay  tells  the  following  quaint  story  of 
Scotch  life  : 

There  was  a  worthy  old  woman  at  Cults,  whose 
place  in  church  was  what  is  commonly  called  the  lateran 
—a  kind  of  senate  gallery  at  the  top  of  the  pulpit 
stairs.  She  was  a  most  regular  attendant,  but  as 
regularly  fell  asleep  during  the  sermon,  of  which  fault 
the  preacher  had  sometimes  audible  intimation. 

It  was  observed,  however,  that  though  Janet  slept 
during  her  own  pastor's  discourse,  she  could  be 
attentive  enough  when  she  pleased,  and  especially 
was  she  alert  when  some  young  preacher  occupied  the 
pulpit.  A  little  piqued  at  this,  Mr.  Gillespie  said  to 
her  one  day:  "Janet,  I  think  you  hardly  behave 
respectfully  to  your  own  minister  in  one  matter." 

"  Me,  sir?  "  exclaimed  Janet ;  "  I  would  like  to  see 
ony  mon,  no'  to  say  woman,  but  yoursel',  say  that  o' 
me  !     What  can  j-ou  mean,  sir?  " 

"  Weel,  Janet,  ye  ken  when  I  preach  you're  almost 
always  fast  asleep  before  I've  given  out  my  text,  but 
when  any  of  these  young  men  from  St.  Andrew's 
preach  for  me,  I  see  you  never  sleep  a  wink.  Now, 
that's  what  I  call  no'  using  me  as  you  should  do." 


100  Scotcb  Ullt  anD  Ibumor 

"  Hoot,  sir,"  was  tlie  replj-,  "  is  tliat  a'  ?  I'll  soon 
tell  you  the  reason  of  that.  W'iieii  you  preach,  we  a' 
ken  the  word  o'  God's  safe  in  your  hands  ;  but  when 
they  j-ouiig  birkies  tak  it  in  haiin,  my  certie,  but  it 
tak's  us  a'  to  look  after  them."      [7] 

Spinning  it  Out 

As  a  verbose  jireacher  was  addressing  the  congre- 
gation on  a  certain  occasion,  one  by  one  of  his  officials 
dropped  out  of  the  church  into  the  vestry.  As  the 
last  one  who  left  put  his  head  into  the  vestry,  those 
who  had  preceded  him  inquired  if  the  prolix  speaker 
had  not  finished  his  address.  "  Well,"  said  he, 
"  his  tow's  dune  lang  syne,  but  he's  aye  spinnin' 
awa'  yet." 

A  Wife's   Protection 

"  Wake  up,  wake  up  ;  there's  a  man  in  the  house  !  " 
cried  Mrs.  Macdougal  to  her  husband  the  other  night. 
Mac  rolled  out  of  bed  and  grasped  his  revolver,  and 
opened  the  door  to  sally  forth  for  the  robber.  Then, 
turning  to  his  wife,  he  said  :  "  Come,  Maggie,  and 
lead  the  way.  It's  a  cowardly  man  that  would  hurt  a 
woman." 

Scotch  Provincialism 

A  gentleman  from  Aberdeen  was  awoke  one  night 
lately  in  an  hotel  in  Princes  Street  by  an  alarm  of  lire. 
Upongoingto  the  window,  he  called  out,  "  Watchman, 
far  eist?"  (Where  is  it?).  Tiie  watchman  thanked 
him  and  went  to  the  Register  Office,  where  he  found 
he  was  going  in  the  wrong  direction  and  returned. 
On  repassing  the  hotel,  he  was  again  called  to  by  the 
Aberdonian,  who  bawled  out,  "Watchman,  far  was't?" 
(Where  was  it  ?)  On  looking  up  to  him,  the  watch- 
man replied,  "  Ye're  a  leein'  scoonril ;  ye  first  tell'd 
me  it  was  far  east,  an'  noo  ye  say  it's  far  west ;  but  I 
tell  ye  it's  neither  e'  tane  or  e'  tither,  cause  it's  ower 
i'  e'  Coogate." 

More  Polite  than  Some  Smokers 

The  other  day  a  man  who  indulged  in  "  the  weed," 


Scotcb  "mn  anD  Ibiimor  loi 

took  a  seat  in  a  carriage  set  apart  for  smokers  or.  the 
Tynemouth  line.  He  lost  no  time  in  getting  up  a 
cloud,  and  whilst  puffing  away  he  was  accosted  by  a 
decent  elderly  female  sitting  in  an  opposite  corner. 

"  Is  this  a  smokin'  carriage,  sor  ?  " 

"Yes,  good  woman,"  he  replied;  "but  if  my  pipe 
annoys  you  "  (obligingly  taking  it  from  his  lips),  "  I'll 
put  it  out." 

"No,  hinny,"  said  she,  drawing  a  well-used 
"cutty"  from  beneath  her  shawl;  "  aa's  gawin' to 
hev  a  pipe  mesel'!  " 

The  Fly-fisher  and  the  Highland  Lassie 

An  English  tourist  visited  Arran,  and  being  a  keen 
disciple  of  Isaac  Walton,  was  arranging  to  have  a 
good  day's  sport.  Being  told  that  the  horse-fly  would 
suit  his  purpose  admirably  for  bait,  he  addressed 
himself  to  Christy,  the  Highland  servant-maid.  "I 
sav,  my  girl,  can  you  get  me  some  horse-flies?" 

Christy  looked  stupid,  and  he  rejieated  his  ques- 
tion. Finding  that  she  did  not  yet  comprehend  him, 
he  exclaimed  :  "  Why,  girl,  did  you  never  see  a 
horse-fly  ?  " 

"  Naa,  sir,"  said  the  girl;  "but  a  wanse  saw  a 
coo  jump  over  a  preshipice." 

Not  at  Home 

One  evening,  John  Clerk  (Lord  Eldon)  had  been 
dipping  ratlier  too  freely  in  the  convivial  bowl  with  a 
friend  in  Queen  Street,  and  on  emerging  into  the 
open  air,  his  intellect  became  to  a  considerable  extent 
confused,  and  not  being  able  to  distinguish  objects 
with  any  degree  of  minuteness  or  certainty,  he  thought 
himself  in  a  fair  way  of  losing  the  road  to  his  own 
house  in  Picardy  Place.  In  this  perplexity  he  espied 
some  one  coming  towards  him.  whom  he  stopped  with 
this  query  :   "  D'ye  ken  whaur  John  Clerk  bides?" 

"  \Vhat's  the  use  o'  your  speerin'  that  question?" 
said  the  man  ;   "  you're  John  Clerk  himsel'." 

"  I  ken  that,"  said  John  ;  "  but  it's  no  himsel'  that's 
wanted — it's  his  house." 


102  Scotcb  lUit  anD  Ibumor 

Faring  Alike 

Pirsi  Scotch  Boatman  :  "  Wed,  Geordie,  how  got 
ye  on  the  day  ?" 

Second  Ditto  {droughty — lie  had  l)een  out  icith  a 
Free  Kirk  minister,  a  strict  abstainer)  :  "  Nae  ava. 
The  auld  carle  had  nae  whuskj-,  sae  I  took  him  where 
there  was  nae  fush  !  " 

"  Saddling  the  Ass" 

Dr.  Guthrie,  in  the  course  of  an  address  in  the  New 
Free  College,  reniarketi  that  he  was  often  annoyed 
and  vexed  beyond  measure  to  find  discourses  of  the 
ablest  character  murdered  and  massacred  by  a 
wretched  delivery.  Some  ministers  appeared  to  have 
a  habit  of  emphasizing  every  third  word  or  so;  and 
he  would  tell  them  an  anecdote  which  he  had  heard 
to  illustrate  the  importance  of  correct  reading.  A 
minister  once  reading  i  Kings  xiii  :  13,  read  it  thus: 
"  And  the  prophet  said  unto  his  sons,  Saddle  me  tlie 
ass.     So  they  saddled  Jtim,  the  ass." 

An  Open  Question 

A  Scottish  minister,  being  one  day  engaged  in 
visiting  some  members  of  liis  flock,  came  to  the  door 
of  a  house  where  his  gentle  tapping  could  not  be 
heard  for  the  noise  of  contention  within.  After  wait- 
ing a  little  lie  opened  the  door  and  walked  in,  saying 
with  an  authoritative  voice,  "  I  should  like  to  know 
who  is  head  of  this  house?"  "  Weel,  sir,"  said  tiie 
husband  and  father,  "  if  ye  sit  down  a  wee,  we'll 
maybe  be  able  to  tell  ye,  for  we're  just  trying  to  settle 
that  point." 

Domestics  in  By-gone  Days 

Dean  Ramsaj-  records  the  following  anecdote  in  his 
"  Reminiscences  of  Scottish  Life  and  Cliaracter "  : 
Tiie  charge  these  old  domestics  used  to  take  in  the 
interests  of  the  family,  and  the  cool  way  in  whicii  tiiey 
took  upon  them  to  ])rotect  those  interests,  sometimes 
led  to  very  provoking  and  sometimes  to  a  very  ludi- 


Scotcb  Mlt  an5  Ibumoc  103 

crous  exhibition  of  importance.  A  friend  told  me  of 
a  dinner  scene  illustrative  of  this  sort  of  interference 
which  had  happened  at  Airth  in  the  last  generation. 
Mrs.  Murry,  of  Abercairnej',  had  been  amongst  the 
guests,  and  at  dinner  one  of  the  family  noticed  that 
she  was  looking  about  for  the  proper  spoon  to  help 
herself  to  salt.  The  old  servant,  Thomas,  was 
appealed  to,  that  the  want  might  be  supplied.  He 
did  not  notice  the  appeal.  It  was  repeated  in  a  more 
peremptor\' manner :  "Thomas,  Mrs.  Murry  has  not 
a  salt-spoon";  to  which  he  replied  most  emphati- 
cally, "  Last  time  Mrs.  Murry  dined  here  we  lost  a 
salt-spoon."     L7] 

A  Misdeal 

A  celebrated  Scotch  divine  had  just  risen  up  to  the 
pulpit  to  lead  the  congregation  in  prayer,  when  a 
gentlemen  in  front  of  the  gallery  took  out  his  hand- 
kerchief to  wipe  the  dust  from  his  brow,  forgetting 
that  a  pack  of  cards  was  wrapped  up  in  it ;  the 
whole  pack  was  scattered  over  the  breast  of  the  gal- 
lery. The  minister  could  not  resist  a  sarcasm,  solemn 
as  the  act  was  in  which  he  was  about  to  engage. 
"  O  man,  man !  surely  your  psalm-book  has  been 
ill-bund." 

"  A  Sign  of  Grace  " 

A  good  story  is  told  by  Mr.  Aird,  Moderator  of  the 
Free  Church  of  Scotland,  respecting  a  minister  who 
in  the  old  days  of  patronage  was  forced  upon  a  con- 
gregation at  Alness.  He  was  coldly  received,  but 
calling  one  day  upon  an  old  elder,  he  took  a  chair  in 
spite  of  his  gruff  reception.  In  order  to  meet  an 
awkward  pause,  he  took  out  his  snuff-box.  "  Oh," 
said  the  elder,  "  ye  tak'  snuff,  dae  ye?  " 

"  Oh,  yes,"  was  the  reply. 

"Weei,"  said  the  elder,  "that's  the  fust  sign  of 
grace  I've  seen  in  ye." 

"  How's  that?" 

"  Dae  we  nae  read  o'  Solomon's  temple,"  replied 
the  elder,  "  that  a'  the  snuffers  were  of  pure  gold?" 


104  Scotch  XUit  an?  Ibumor 

Extraordinary  Absence  of  Mind 
A  certain  Scottish  professor  was  not  more  remark- 
able for  liis  writings  on  political  economy,  than  for 
his  frequent  unconsciousness  of  what  passed  before 
him.  His  absence  of  mind  was  so  remarkable,  that 
his  wife  once  wagered  that  she  would  accost  him  in 
the  street,  inquire  after  the  health  of  herself  and  fam- 
ily, and  that  he  would  not  recognize  her.  She  actually 
won  the  wager. 

The  jirofessor  was  once  taking  a  solitary  walk  on 
the  banks  of  the  canal,  into  which  in  his  abstraction, 
he  w-alked.  When  within  a  yard  of  the  centre,  an 
honest  woman  washing  clothes  behind  him,  brawled 
out,  "  Come  oot,  come  oot,  fule  body,  or  ye'll  be 
droon't." 

These  warning  sounds  invading  the  tympanum  of 
the  professorial  ear,  had  the  effect  of  making  him 
turn  right  about  and  fortinvith  recover  the  dry  ground. 
The  good  woman,  concluding  him  to  be  an  idiot,  sym- 
pathetically exclaimed,  "  Puir  body  !  a  weel,  they  hae 
niuckle  to  answer  for  that  lets  ye  gang  yer  lane  !  " 

Salmon  or  Sermon 
A  clergyman  in  Perthshire,  who  was  more  skilful 
as  an  angler  than  popular  as  a  preacher,  having  fallen 
into  conversation  with  some  of  his  parishioners  on  the 
benefits  of  early  rising,  mentioned  as  an  instance, 
that  he  had  that  very  morning,  before  breakfast,  com- 
posed a  sermon,  and  killed  a  salmon — an  achieve- 
ment on  which  he  plumed  himself  greatly.  "  Aweel, 
sir,"  observed  one  of  the  company,  "  I  woukl  rather 
have  your  salmon  than  your  sermon." 

"Bock  Again!" — A  Prompt  Answer 
A  countryman  in  Scotland,  who  was  very  fond  of 
a])ples,  especially  if  they  came  chea]),  was  one  day 
getting  over  the  hedge  into  his  neighbor's  orchard, 
who,  happening  to  be  walking  towards  the  spot  at  the 
time,  cried  out,  "  Hoot,  hoot,  Sandy,  where  are  thee 
ganging?" 

"  Bock  again,  now  you  are  there,"  replied  the 
thief,  with  the  utmost  sang  /raid. 


Scotcb  TlClit  anD  IDumoc  105 

A  "  Kippered  "  Divine 

It  is  said  that  Dr.  Clialiners  once  entertained  a 
distinguished  guest  from  Switzerland,  whom  he  asked 
if  he  would  be  helped  to  kippered  salmon.  The 
foreign  divine  asked  the  meaning  of  the  uncouth 
word  "  kippered,"  and  was  told  that  it  meant  "  pre- 
served." The  poor  man,  in  public  prayer,  soon 
after,  offered  a  petition  that  the  distinguished  divine 
might  long  be  "kippered  to  the  Free  Church  of 
Scotland." 

Scotch  Caution  versus  Suretiship 
The  old  Jews  and  the  old  Scotch  Highlanders  had 
one  feeling  in  common — a  dread  of  suretiship.  The 
Book  of  Proverbs  contains  several  warnings  of  the 
danger  that  lurks  in  a  surety  bond,  but  none  are 
more  admonishing  than  one  uttered  by  an  High- 
lander. Donald  had  been  tried  for  his  life,  and  nar- 
rowly escaped  conviction.  In  discharging  him  the 
judge  thought  it  proper  to  say  :  "  Prisoner,  before  you 
leave  the  bar,  I'll  give  you  a  piece  of  advice.  You 
have  got  off  this  time,  but  if  you  ever  come  before 
me,  again,  I'll  be  caution  (surety)  you'll  be  hanged." 
"Thank  you,  my  lord,"  said  Donald,  "for  your 
good  advice,  and  as  I'm  no'  ungratefu',  I  beg  to  gie 
your  lordship  a  piece  of  advice  in  turn.  Never  be 
*  caution  '  for  anybody,  for  the  cautioner  has  often  to 
pay  the  penalty." 

A  Descendant  of  the  Stuarts 

A  gentleman  from  the  north,  being  of  a  genealogical 
turn  of  mind,  believed  that  he  had  discovered  in  his 
pedigree  some  remote  connection  with  the  royal 
Stuart  blood.  Going  south,  he  made  much  of  his 
presumed  relationship,  until  he  was  generally  spoken 
of  in  bated  breath  by  his  innocent  English  friends, 
"  as  a  descendant  of  the  Stuarts."  At  a  public  gather- 
ing he  was  thus  mentioned,  and  the  description 
instantly  engaged  the  rapt  attention  of  a  new  arrival 
from  Caledonia. 

"A  descendant  o' the  Stuarts!"  he  cried;  "eh, 
sirs,  I'd  like  feine  to  see  ane  o'  the  royal  race." 


106  Scotcb  XUit  anD  Ibumor 

"Then  there  he  is,"  answered  the  interlocutor, 
pointing  him  out — "  there — tiie  gentleman  standing  in 
front  of  the  fireplace." 

"  Gude  sakes  !  "  said  the  astonished  Scot;  "  that's 
just  my  ain  brither  Jack." 

"  Law  "  Set  Aside  by  "  Gospel  " 

It  is  related  that  a  Srotcli  minister  chanced  to  meet 
two  of  his  parisiiioners  in  the  office  of  a  lawyer,  whom 
he  regarded  as  being  too  siiar]). 

The  lawyer  jocularly  and  not  very  graciously  put 
the  question  :  "  Doctor,  these  are  members  of  your 
flock  ;  may  I  ask,  do  you  look  upon  them  as  black  or 
white  sheep?" 

"  I  don't  know,"  answered  the  divine  drily, 
"  whether  they  are  black  or  white  sheep  ,  but  I  know 
if  they  are  here  long  they  are  pretty  sure  to  be  well 
fleeced." 

"  Knowrledge— It  Shall  Vanish  Away  " 

A  gentleman  was  once  riding  in  Scotland  by  a 
bleaching  ground,  where  a  wtunan  was  at  work 
watering  her  webs  of  linen-cloth.  He  asked  her 
where  she  went  to  church,  what  she  heart!,  and  how 
much  she  remembered  of  the  preceding  day's  sermon. 
She  could  not  even  remember  the  text. 

"And  what  good  can  the  preaching  do  you,"  said 
he,  "  if  you  forget  it  all?" 

"  Ah,  sir,"  replied  the  woman,  "  if  you  look  at  this 
web  on  the  grass,  you  will  see  that  as  fast  as  ever  I 
put  the  water  on  it  the  sun  dries  it  all  up  ;  and  yet, 
see,  it  grows  whiter  and  whiter." 

A  Harmless  Joke 

Sandy  Merton  was  a  half-witted  fellow  who  lived  in 
a  small  town  in  the  west  of  Scotland.  One  day  Sandy 
entered  the  doctor's  shop,  carrying  under  his  arm  a 
rusty  gun. 

"  Well,  Alexander,"  said  the  doctor,  "  who  gave 
you  the  gun  ?  " 

"  Maister  Tamson,  the  jjublican,  gied  me  it,  an'  he 
said  the  only  kind  o'  poother  it  wud  shoot  wi'  was 
Seidlitz  poother;  sae  gie  I  tuppence  worth." 


Scotcb  XXait  anD  Ibumoc  107 

Looking  before  Leaping 

A  blufT,  consequential  gentleman  from  the  South, 
with  more  beef  on  his  bones  than  brains  in  his  head, 
riding  along  the  Hamilton  road,  near  to  Blantyre, 
asked  a  herdboy  on  the  roadside,  in  a  tone  and  man- 
ner evidently  meant  to  quiz,  if  he  were  "  half  way  to 
Hamilton  ?"  "  Man,"  replied  the  boy,  "  I  wad  need 
to  ken  where  ye  hae  come  frae  afore  I  could  answer 
*.hat  question." 

"Lichts  Oct!  " 

An  old  Highland  sergeant  in  one  of  the  Scottish 
regiments,  was  going  his  round  one  night  to  see  that 
all  the  lights  were  out  in  the  barrack  rooms.  Coming 
to  a  room  where  he  thought  he  saw  a  light  shining, 
he  roared  out  :   "  Put  oot  that  licht  there  !  " 

One  of  the  men  shouted  back  :  "  Man,  it's  the 
mune,  sergeant." 

Not  hearing  very  well,  the  sergeant  cried  in  return  : 
"  I  dinna  care  a  tacket  what  it  is— pit  it  oot  !  " 

A  Teetotal  Preacher  Asks  for  "  a    Glass,"  and 
Gets  it 

A  teetotal  minister,  who  was  very  particular  about 
his  toilet,  went  to  preach  one  Sunday  for  a  brother 
minister  in  a  parish  in  Kinross-shire.  On  entering 
the  vestry  he  looked  around  in  search  of  a  mirror,  to 
see  that  his  appearance  was  all  right  before  entering 
the  pulpit  ,  but,  failing  to  find  one,  he  said  to  the 
beadle  :  "  John,  can  I  have  a  glass  before  entering  the 
pulpit?" 

"Certainly,  sir!  "  replied  John.  "Just  bide  a  wee, 
and  I'll  get  ane  for  ye  immediately  "  ;  and  he  left  the 
vestry  at  once. 

On  his  return  the  minister  said  :  "  Well,  John,  have 
you  succeeded  ?  " 

"Yes,  sir,"  replied  John;  "I've  brocht  a  gill. 
That'll  be  a  glass  for  the  forenoon,  and  anither  for 
the  afternoon." 

"  Old  Bags  " 

Lord  Eldon,  who  was  well  known  by  the  nick-name 
"  Old  Bags,"  in  one  of  his  sporting  excursions,  unex- 


108  Scotcb  tUit  anO  Ibumor 

pectedly  came  across  a  person  who  was  si)ortitis;  over 
his  land  willionl  leave.  His  lorilsliip  in(inire(l  if  the 
strans^er  was  aware  he  was  trespassing,  or  if  he  knew 
to  whom  the  estate  belonged?  "What's  that  to  do 
with  j'ou?"  was  the  reply.  "  I  suppose  you  are  one 
of  Old  Bags'  keei)ers."  "  No,"  replied  his  lordship, 
"  I  am  Old  Bags  himself." 

A  Poem  for  the  Future 

The  late  Dr.  Jamieson,  the  Scottish  Icxicograjiher' 
was  vain  of  his  literary  reputation,  and,  like  many 
others  who  knew  not  where  their  great  strength  lies, 
thought  himself  gifted  with  a  kind  of  intellectual 
able-to-do-everything.  The  doctor  published  a  i)oem, 
entitled  "  Eternity." 

This  poem  became  the  subject  of  conversational 
remark,  soon  after  publication,  at  a  party  where  the 
doctor  was  present,  and  a  lady  was  asked  her  ojilnion 
of  it.  "  It's  a  bonny  poem,"  said  she,  "and  it's  weel 
named  Eternity,  for  it  will  ne'er  be  read  in  time." 

A  Badly  Arranged  Prayer 
A  Presbyterian  minister  in  the  reign  of  King  Will- 
iam III,  performing  ])ublic  worship  in  the  Tron 
Cliurch  at  Edinburgh,  used  this  remarkable  e.\pressioii 
in  his  prayer:  "  Lord,  have  mercy  upon  all  fools  and 
idiots,  and  particularly  upon  the  Town  Council  of 
Edinburgh."     [9] 

Simplicity  of  a  Collier's  Wife 

A  clergyman  in  a  mining  village  not  far  from  Ric- 
carton,  in  the  course  of  his  pastoral  visits,  called  at 
the  domicile  of  a  collier  in  his  parish.  Inquiring  of  a 
woman  he  saw,  and  whom  he  presumed  to  be  his  wife, 
if  her  husband  was  at  home,  she  said  :  "  Deed,  na, 
sir;   he's  at  his  work." 

"  Is  your  liusband,  my  good  woman,  a  communi- 
cant ?  " 

"  A  ccjmmunicant  !  He's  naething  o' the  kind.  He's 
just  a  collier." 

Astonished  at  the  ignorance  dis])layed,  the  clergy- 
man could  not  help  ejaculating:  "Oh,  what  darkness  !  " 


Scotcb  TlUit  auD  Ibumor  loo 

The  collier's  wife  understanding  the  language  lit- 
erally, not  figuratively,  was  also  astonished. 

"  Darkness  !  Little  ye  ken  o't.  Had  you  been  here 
before  we  got  the  extra  window  in  the  gable  ye  would 
scarcely  been  able  to  see  your  finger  afore  you." 

The  pastor  sighed. 

"  I  must,  my  dear  woman,  put  up  a  petition  for  you 
here." 

"  Petition — petition  !  Bide  a  wee.  Nae  petition 
(partition)  will  ye  put  up  here  sae  lang  as  I  am  in  the 
house ;  but  at  the  term  we're  going  ower  to  New- 
diggings,  and  then  ye  may  put  as  many  o'  them  as 
ye  like." 

A  Scotch  "  Supply  " 

Many  good  stories  have  been  told  of  the  beadles  of 
the  Scottish  churches.  The  latest  is  as  good  as  any : 
One  Sabbath  morning  when  a  minister  of  an  Ayrshire 
Established  Church  was  about  to  enter  the  pulpit,  he 
found  that  John,  the  precentor,  had  not  arrived.  He 
instructed  the  beadle,  who  was  also  bellman,  to  ring 
for  five  minutes  longer  while  they  waited  to  see  if 
John  came. 

When  he  returned,  the  minister  inquired  :  "  Has 
John  come  yet  ? ' ' 

"  No,  sir,"  answered  the  beadle. 

"Most  extraordinary!  What  are  we  to  do?  I  see 
no  help  for  it,  but  you  must  take  John's  place  yourself 
for  a  day." 

"Ah,  no,  sir,"  replied  the  beadle,  "I  couldna  dae 
that.  Aiblins  I  could  tak'  your  place,  but  I  couldna 
t^k'  John's." 

Praying  for  Wind 

Dean  Ramsay  relates  this  incident :  In  one  of  our 
northern  counties,  a  rural  district  had  its  harvest 
operations  seriously  affected  by  continuous  rains.  The 
crops  being  much  laid,  wind  was  desired  in  order  to 
restore  them  to  a  condition  fit  for  the  sickle.  A  min- 
ister in  his  Sabbath  services,  expressed  their  wants  in 
prayer  as  follows  :   "  O   Lord,  we  pray  thee  to  send 


110  Scotch  lUit  anO  Ibumor 

us  wind,   no'    a  raiitin'  tantin'  wind  ;  but  a  noohin' 
(noughin?)  soughin',  winnin'  wind." 

Disturbed  Devotions 
The  Rev.  Dr.  Alexander  relates  that  there  lived  in 
Peebleshire  a  half-witted  man,  who  was  in  the  habit 
of  saying  his  prayers  in  a  field  behind  a  turf-dyke. 
One  day  he  was  followed  to  this  spot  by  some  w^ags, 
who  secreted  themselves  on  the  opposite  side  listen- 
ing to  the  man,  who  e.xpressed  his  conviction  that  he 
was  a  very  great  sinner,  and  that  even  were  the  turf- 
dyke  at  that  moment  to  fall  upon  him  it  would  be  no 
more  than  he  deserved.  No  sooner  had  he  said  this, 
than  the  persons  on  the  opposite  side  pushed  the 
dyke  over  him,  when,  scrambling  out,  he  was  heard 
to  say:  "  Hech,  sirs,  it's  an  awfu'  world  this;  a 
body  canna  say  a  thing  in  a  joke,  but  it's  ta'en  in 
earnest."      [9] 

The  "  Tables  "  of  "  The  Law  " 
When  catechizing  by  the  Scottish  clergy  was  cus- 
tomary, the  minister  of  Coldingham,  in  Berwickshire, 
asked  a  simple  country  wife,  who  resided  at  the  farm 
of  Coldingham  Law,  which  was  always  styled  "  The 
Law  "  for  brevity's  sake  :  "  How  many  tables,  Janet, 
are  there  in  the  law?  " 

"  Indeed,  sir,  I  canna  just  be  certain,"  was  the 
simple  reply  ;  "  but  I  think  there's  ane  in  the  fore 
room,  ane  in  the  back  room,  an'  anithcr  ujjstairs." 

"  Eating  Among  the  Brutes  " 

The    Rev.    Dr.    IM'C ,  minister   of    Douglas,    in 

Clydesdale,  was  one  day  dining  with  a  large  party 
where  the  Hon.  Henry  Erskine  and  some  lawyers 
were  present.  A  great  dish  of  water-cresses  being, 
according  to  the  fashion  of  the  period,  handed   round 

after    dinner,    Dr.    M'C ,    who    was    extravagantly 

fond  of  vegetables,  heliJed  himself  nuuh  more  largely 
than  any  other  person,  and,  as  he  ate  with  his  fingers 
with  a  i^eculiar  voracity  of  manner,  Mr.  Erskine  was 
Struck  with  the  idea  that  he  resembled  Nebuchadnez- 


Scotch  TIGlit  anD  Ibumor  m 

zar  in  his  state  of  condemnation.  Resolved  to  give 
the  minister  a  hit  for  the  grossness  of  his  taste  and 
manner  of  eating,  the  wit  addressed  him  with  :   "  Dr. 

M'C ,  ye   bring    me    in    mind   of   the   great    king 

Nebuchadnezzar"  ;  and  the  company  were  beginning 
to  titter  at  the  ludicrous  allusion,  when  the  reverend 
devourer  of  cresses  replied  :  "  Ay,  do  I  mind  ye  o' 
Nebuchadnezzar?  That'll  be  because  I'm  eating 
among  the  brutes,  then." 

An   Angry   Preacher 

"I  know  what  sort  o'  heaven  you'd  pe  wanting," 
shouted  an  earnest  and  excited  Highland  minister  in 
the  ears  of  an  apathetic  congregation,  to  whom  he 
had  delivered,  without  any  apparent  effect,  a  vivid 
and  impressive  address  on  the  glory  of  heaven;  "I 
know  what  sort  o'  heaven  you'd  pe  wantin'.  You'd 
pe  wantin'  that  all  the  seas  would  pe  hot  water,  that 
all  the  rivers  would  pe  rivers  of  whiskey,  and  that  all 
the  hills  and  mountains  would  be  loaves  o'  sugar. 
That's  the  sort  o'  heaven  you'd  pe  wantin'  ;  more- 
over," he  added,  warming  to  his  work,  "you'd  pe 
wantin'  that  all  the  corn-stooks  would  pe  pipe  staples 
and  tobaccos,  and  sweeshin'— that's  the  sort  o'  heaven 
you'd  pe  wantin'." 

A  Comfortable    Preacher 
One  Sunday,   as  a  certain   Scottish    minister  was 
returning    homewards,   he  was    accosted    by  an  old 
woman  who  said  :  "  Oh,  sir,  well  do  I   like  the  day 
when  you  preach  !  " 

The  minister  was  aware  that  he  was  not  very  popu- 
lar, and  he  answered  :  "  My  good  woman,  I  am  glad 
to  hear  it  !  There  are  too  few  like  you.  And  why 
do  you  like  when  I  preach  ?  " 

"  Oh,  sir,"  she  replied,  "  when  you  preach  I  always 
get  a  good  seat  ! ' ' 

"  Haste  "  and  "  Leisure  " 
A  clergyman  in  the  north  of  Scotland,  very  homely 
in  his   address,  chose  for  his   text   a   passage   in    the 
Psalms,  "  I  said  in  my  haste  all  men  are  liars."    "Ay," 


112  Scotcb  XUit  anD  TDumor 

premised  the  minister  by  way  of  introduction,  "  ye 
said  in  your  haste,  Uavid,  did  ye  ? — gin  ye  iiad  been 
here,  ye  micht  hae  said  it  at  your  leisure,  my  man." 

"  Making  Hay  While  the  Sun  Shines  " 
An  anecdote  is  told  of  a  certain  Hij^lilanti  hotel- 
keeper,  who  was  one  day  bickering  with  an  English- 
man in  the  lobby  of  the  inn  regarding  the  bill.  The 
stranger  said  it  was  a  gross  imposition,  and  that  he 
could  live  cheajjer  in  the  best  hotel  in  London  ;  to 
which  the  landlord  with  nonchalance  replied,  "  Oh, 
nae  doot,  sir,  nae  doot ;  but  do  ye  no'  ken  the  rea- 
son ?  "  "  No,  not  a  bit  of  it,"  said  the  stranger 
hastily.  "  Weel,  then,"  replied  the  host,  "as  ye 
seem  to  be  a  sensible  callant,  I'll  tell  ye;  there's  365 
days  in  the  Lonnun  hotel-keejier's  calendar,  but  we 
have  only  three  months  in  ours  !  Do  ye  understand 
me  noo,  frien'  ?  We  maun  mak'  hay  in  the  Hielans 
when  the  sun  shines,  for  it's  unco  seldom  he  dis't !  " 

Speaking  Figuratively 
A  preacher  of  the  name  ot  Ker,  on  being  inducted 
into  a  church  in  Teviotdale,  told  the  people  the 
relation  there  was  to  be  between  him  and  them  in  the 
following  words:  "Sirs,  I  am  come  to  be  your 
shepherd,  and  you  must  be  my  sheep,  and  the  Bible 
will  be  my  tar  bottle,  for  I  will  mark  you  with  it  "  ; 
and  laying  his  hand  on  the  clerk  or  precentor's  head, 
he  said:  "Andrew,  you  shall  be  my  dog."  "The 
sorra  bit  of  your  dog  will  I  be,"  said  Andrew.  "  O, 
Andrew,  you  don't  understand  me  ;  I  speak  mysti- 
cally," said  the  preacher.  "  Yes,  but  you  speak  mis- 
chievously," saitl   Andrew.      [9] 

A  Canny  Witness 
During  a  trial  in  Scotland,  a  barrister  was  exami- 
ning an  old  woman,  and  trying  to  iicrsuade  her  to  his 
view  by  some  "  leading  questions."  .'\fter  several 
attempts  to  induce  her  memory  to  recur  to  a  particu- 
lar circumstance,  the  barrister  angrily  observed, 
"Surely  you  must  remember  this  fact — surely  you  can 
call  to   mind   such  and   such  a  circumstance."     The 


Scotcb  Ultt  anC>  Ibumor  113 

witness  answered,  "  I  ha'  tauld  ye  I  can't  tell  ;  but  if 
ye  know  so  imicli  niair  about  it  than  I  do  (poinliui;  to 
the  judge),  do'etell  maister  yeiself." 

A  Mother's  Confidence  in  Her  Son 
Mrs.  Baird  received  the  news  from  India  of  the  gal- 
lant but  unfortunate  action  of  '84  against  Hyder  Ali, 
in  which  her  son  (then  Captain  Baird,  afterwards  Sir 
David  Baird)  was  engaged  ;  it  was  stated  that  he  and 
other  officers  had  been  taken  prisoners  and  chained 
together  two  and  two.  The  friends  were  careful  in 
breaking  such  sad  intelligence  to  the  mother  of  Cap- 
tain Baird.  When,  however,  she  was  made  fully  to 
understand  the  position  of  her  son  and  his  gallant 
companions,  disdaining  all  weak  and  useless  exjires- 
sions  of  her  own  grief,  and  knowing  well  the  restless 
and  athletic  habits  of  her  son,  all  she  said  was,  "  Lord, 
pity  the  chiel  that's  chained  to  our  Davy  !  "     [7] 

Lord  Clancarty  and  the  Roman  Catholic 
Chaplain 
When  Lord  Clancarty  was  captain  of  a  man-of-war 
in  1724,  and  was  cruising  of?  the  coast  of  Guinea,  his 
lieutenant,  a  Scotch  Presbyterian,  came  hastily  into 
the  cabin,  and  told  his  lordship  that  the  chaplain  was 
dead,  and  what  was  worse,  he  died  a  Roman  Catholic. 
Lord  Clancarty  replied  that  he  was  very  glad  of  it. 
"  Hoot  fie,  my  lord,"  said  the  officer,  "  what,  are  ye 
glad  that  yer  chaplain  died  a  pawpish?"  "Yes," 
answered  his  lordship,  "  for  he  i^  the  first  sea-parson 
I  ever  knew  that  had  any  religion  at  all."'      [9] 

An  Idiot's  Views  of  Insanity 
A  clergyman  in  the  north  of  Scotland,  on  coming 
into  church  one  Sunday  morning,  found  the  pulpit 
occupied  by  the  parish  idiot  (a  thing  which  often 
happens  in  some  English  parishes — with  this  differ- 
ence, that  instead  of  the  minister  finding  the  idiot  in 
the  pulpit,  it  is  the  people  who  find  him  ).  The  author- 
ities had  been  unable  to  remove  him  without  more 
violence  than  was  seemly,  and  tlierefore  waited  for 
the  minister  to  dispossess  Sam  of  the  i)lace  he  had 
8 


114  Scotcb  Ulit  anD  Ibumor 

assumed.  "Come  down,  sir,  immediately,"  was  the 
peremptory  and  indignant  call  ;  and  on  Sam  remain- 
ing unmoved,  it  was  repeated  with  still  greater 
energ3\  Sam,  however,  very  confidentially  replied, 
looking  down  from  his  elevation,  "  Na,  na,  meenister, 
just  ye  come  up  vvi'  me.  This  is  a  perverse  genera- 
tion, and  faith,  they  need  us  baith."      [7] 

Lord  Mansfield  and  a  Scotch  Barrister  on 
Pronunciation 
A  man  who  knows  the  world,  will  not  only  make 
the  most  of  everything  he  does  know,  but  of 
many  things  he  does  not  know,  and  will  gain  more 
credit  by  his  adroit  mode  of  hiding  his  ignorance, 
than  the  pedant  by  his  awkward  attempt  to  exhibit 
his  erudition.  In  Scotland,  the  "jus  et  7iorma 
JoijuendC  has  made  it  the  fashion  to  i^ronounce  the 
law  term  curator  curStor.  Lord  Mansfield  gravely 
corrected  a  certain  Scotch  barrister  when  in  court, 
reprehending  what  aj^peared  to  English  usage  a  false 
quantity,  by  rejieating — "  Curator,  sir,  if  you  please." 
The  barrister  immediately  replied,  "  I  am  happy  to 
be  corrected  by  so  great  an  orator  as  your  lordship." 

Satisfactory  Security 

Patrick  Forbes,  Bishop  of  Aberdeen,  had  lent  an 
unlucky  brother  money,  until  he  was  tired  out,  but 
the  borrower  renewed  his  application,  and  promised 
security.  The  bishoj)  on  that  condition  consented  to 
the  loan  :  "  But  where  is  your  security?"  said  he, 
when  the  poor  fellow  replied  :  "  God  Almighty  is  my 
bondsman  in  providence  ;  lie  is  the  only  security  I 
have  to  offer."  So  singular  a  reply  of  a  desjiair- 
ing  man  smote  the  feelings  of  the  bishop,  and  he  thus 
replied  :  "  It  is  the  first  time  certainly  that  such  a 
security  was  ever  offered  to  me ;  and  since  it  is  so, 
take  the  money,  and  may  Almighty  God,  your  bonds- 
man, see  that  it  does  you  good."      [9] 

Better  than  a  Countess 
Mrs.   Coutts,  wife  of  the  eminent  banker,  and  pre- 
viously Miss  Mellon,  the  celebrated  actress,  made  her 


Scotcb  Wit  auD  Ibumoc  ii5 

appearance  one  day  at  one  of  the  principal  prome- 
nades in  Edinburgii,  dressed  in  a  most  magnificent 
style,  so  as  to  quite  overawe  our  northern  neighbors. 
"  Hoot,  mon,"  said  a  gentleman  standing  by,  who 
did  not  know  who  she  was,  "  yon's  a  braw  lady; 
she'll  be  a  countess,  I'm  thinking."  "No,"  replied 
an  eminent  banker,  "  not  just  a  cojcniess,  but  what's 
better,  a  dis-cotmtess." 

Remembering  Each  Other 

Mr.  Miller,  of  Ballumbie,  had  occasion  to  find  fault 
with  one  of  his  laborers,  who  had  been  improvident, 
and  known  better  days.  He  was  digging  a  drain, 
and  he  told  him  if  he  did  not  make  better  work  he 
should  turn  him  off.  The  man  was  very  angry,  and 
throwing  down  his  spade,  called  out  in  a  tone  of 
resentment,  "  Ye  are  ower  pridefeu',  Davie  Miller.  I 
mind  ye  i'  the  warld  when  ye  had  neither  cow  nor 
ewe."  "Very  well,"  replied  Mr.  Miller,  mildly,  "I 
remember  you  when  you  had  both." 

Marriages    Which    are    Made    in   Heaven — How 
Revealed 

Archbishop  Leighton  never  was  married.  While 
he  held  the  See  of  Dumblane,  he  was  of  course  a  sub- 
ject of  considerable  interest  to  the  celibate  ladies  in 
the  neighborhood.  One  day  he  received  a  visit  from 
one  of  them  who  had  reached  the  age  of  desperation. 
Her  manner  was  solemn  though  somewhat  embar- 
rassed ;  it  was  evident  from  the  first  that  there  was 
something  very  particular  on  her  mind.  The  good 
bishop  spoke  with  his  usual  kindness,  encouraged 
her  to  be  communicative,  and  by  and  by  drew  from 
her  that  she  had  had  a  very  strange  dream,  or  rather, 
as  she  thought,  a  revelation  from  heaven.  On  further 
questioning,  she  confessed  that  it  had  been  intimated 
to  her  that  she  was  to  be  united  in  marriage  to  the 
bishop.  One  may  imagine  what  a  start  this  gave  to 
the  quiet  scholar,  who  had  long  ago  married  his 
books,  and  never  thought  of  any  other  bride.  He 
recovered,  however,  and  very  gently  addressing  her, 
said  that  "  Doubtless  these  intimations  were  not  to  be 


110  Scotc'o  lUit  anO  Ibuir.or 

despised.  As  yet,  however,  the  designs  of  lieaven 
were  but  imperfectly  explained,  as  they  had  been 
revealed  to  only  one  of  the  parties.  He  would  wait 
to  see  if  any  similar  connnunication  should  be  made 
to  himself,  and  whenever  it  happened  he  would  be 
sure  to  let  her  know."  Nothing  could  be  more 
admirable  than  this  humor,  except  perhaps  the 
benevolence  shown  in  so  bringing  an  estimable 
woman  off  from  a  false  position.      [9] 

Not  Up  to  Sample 

"  How  did  it  hapiien,"  asked  a  lady  of  a  very  silly 
Scotch  nobleman,  "that  the  Scots  who  came  out  of 
their  own  country  were,  generally  speaking,  men  of 
more  ability  than  those  who  remained  at  home?  " 

"Oh,  madam,"  said  he,  "the  reason  is  obvious. 
At  every  outlet  there  are  persons  stationed  to  e.xamine 
all  who  ]jass,  that  for  the  honor  of  the  country,  no 
one  be  permitted  to  leave  it  who  is  not  a  man  of 
understanding." 

"  Then,"  said  she,  "  I  suppose  your  lordship  was 
smuggled." 

The  Queen's  Daughters — or  "Appearances  Were 
Against  Them  " 

A  good  many  years  ago,  when  her  majesty  was 
spending  a  short  time  in  the  neighborhood  of  the 
Trossachs,  the  Princesses  Louise  and  Beatrice  paid 
an  unexpected  visit  to  an  old  female  cottager  on  the 
slopes  of  Cilenfinlas,  who,  knowing  that  they  had 
some  connection  with  the  royal  household,  bluntly 
ejaculated:  "Ye'll  be  the  Queen's  servants,  I'm 
thinkin'?" 

"  No,"  they  quietly  rejoined  ;  "  we  are  the  Queen's 
daughters." 

"  Ye  dinna  look  like  it,"  was  the  immediate  reply 
of  the  unusually  outspoken  Celt.  "  as  ye  hae  neither 
a  ring  on  your  fingers,  nor  a  bit  gowd  i'  your  lugs  !  " 

"  00  "—with  Variations 
The  following  is  a  dialogue  between  a  Scotch  shop- 
man   and   a   customer,  relating  to  a  plaid  hanging  at 
the  shop  door : 


Scotcb  TTClit  anO  Ibumoc  n: 

Customer  'Jnquirinfc  ihe  vial criaT)  :  "Oo"  (Wool)? 
Slioputan  :  "Ay,  oo  "  (Yes,  wool). 
Customer:  "  A'  oo  "  (All  wool)  ? 
Slioptnaii  :  "  Ay,  a'  oo  "  (Yes,  all  wool). 
Customer :  "  A'  ae  oo  "  (All  same  wool)  ? 
Sliop»ian :    "Ay,    a'   a^  oo "    (Yes,    all    the  same 


wool).      [7] 


A  Widow's  Promise 


Tlie  clerk  of  a  large  parish,  not  five  miles  from 
Bridgenorth,  Scotland,  perceiving  a  female  crossing  a 
churchyard  in  a  widow's  garb  with  a  watering  can 
and  bundle,  had  the  curiosity  to  follow  her,  and  he 
discovered  her  to  be  Mrs.  Smith,  whose  husband  had 
not  long  been  interred. 

The  following  conversation  took  place  : 

"  Ah,  Mrs.  Smith,  "  what  are  you  doing  with  your 
watering  can  ?  " 

'  Why,  Mr.  Prince,  I  have  begged  a  few  hay-seeds, 
which  I  have  in  a  bundle,  and  am  going  to  sow  them 
upon  my  husband's  grave,  and  have  brought  a  little 
water  with  me  to  make  'em  spring." 

"  You  have  no  occasion  to  do  that,  as  the  grass  will 
soon  grow  upon  it,"  rejilied  the  clerk. 

"  Ah,  Mr.  Prince,  that  may  be;  but,  do  you  know, 
my  husband,  who  now  lives  there,  made  me  promise 
him  on  his  death-bed  I  would  never  marry  again  till 
the  grass  grew  over  his  grave,  and  having  a  good 
offer  made  me,  I  dinna  wish  to  break  my  word,  or  be 
kept  as  I  am." 

Drunken  Wit 

The  late  Rev.  Mr.  Xeal,  one  of  the  ministers  of  the 
West  Church,  when  taking  a  walk  in  the  afternoon, 
saw  an  old  woman  sitting  by  the  roadside  evidently 
much  intoxicated,  with  her  bundle  lying  before  her  in 
the  mud.  He  immediately  recognized  her  to  be  one 
of  his  parishioners. 

"  Will  you  just  help  me  with  my  bundle,  gude- 
man  ?  "  said  she,  as  he  stopped. 

"  Fie,  fie,  Janet,"  said  the  pastor,  "  to  see  the  like 


118  Scotcb  mit  ano  Ibumor 

o'  you  in  such  a  plight.     Do  yovi  not  know  where  all 
drunkards  go  to  ?  " 

"  Ah,  sure,"  said  Jantt,  "  they  just  go  whaur  a 
drap  o'  gude  drink  is  to  be  got." 

Popularity  Tested  by  the  Collection 
The  late  Dr.  Cook,  of  Addington,  after  assisting  the 
late  Dr.  Forsyth,  of  Morham,  at  a  communion  service, 
repaired  as  usual  to  the  manse.  While  in  the  enjoy- 
ment of  a  little  social  intercourse,  the  minister  of 
Morham— which,  by  the  way,  is  one  of  the  smallest 
parishes  in  Scotland — quietly  remarked  to  his  l)rother 
divine  :  "  Doctor,  you  nnist  be  a  verj'  popular  man  in 
the  parish."  "  Ay,"  replied  the  doctor,  "  how's 
that?"  "Why,"  rejoined  the  other,  "our  usual  col- 
lection is  threepence,  but  to-day  it  is  ninei)ence  !  " 
"  Eh,  is  that  all?"  said  Dr.  Cook,  "then  wae's  me 
for  my  popularity,  for  I  put  in  the  extra  sixpence 
myself !  " 

An  "  Exceptional"  Prayer 

A  minister  in  the  North,  returning  thanks  in  his 
prayers  one  Sabbath  for  the  exct-llcnt  harvest,  began 
as  usual,  "  O  Lord,  we  thank  Tiiec,"  etc.,  and  went 
on  to  mention  the  abundance  of  the  harvest  and  its 
safe  ingathering  ;  but  feeling  anxious  to  be  quite  can- 
did and  scrupulously  truthful,  added,  "all  except  a 
few  fields  between  this  and  Stonehaven  not  worth 
vientioniiig.^'' 

"  Verra  Weel  Pitched  " 
A  Scotchman  was  riding  a  donkey  one  day  across  a 
sheep  pasture,  but  when  the  animal  came  to  a  sheep 
drain  he  would  not  go  over.  So  the  man  rode  back  a 
short  distance,  turned,  and  applied  the  whii),  think- 
ing, of  course,  that  the  donkey,  when  at  the  top  of  his 
speed,  would  jump  the  drain.  But  when  the  donkey 
got  to  the  drain  he  sto]>ped  sharply  and  the  man  went 
over  his  head  and  cleared  the  drain.  No  sooner  had 
he  touched  the  ground  than  he  got  up,  and,  looking 
the  beast  straight  in  the  face,  said  :  "  Verra  weel 
pitched,  but,  then,  hoo  are  ye  goin'  to  get  ower 
yersel'  ?  " 


Scotch  Ulit  anO  Ibumor  119 

An  Out-of-the-Way  Reproof 

King  James  I,  being  one  day  in  the  Nortli,  a  violent 
tempest  burst  loose  and  a  cliurch  being  the  nearest 
building,  his  majesly  took  shelter  there,  and  sat  down 
in  an  obscure  and  low  seat.  The  minister  had  just 
mounted  the  jnilpit  and  soon  recognized  the  king, 
notwithstanding  his  plain  costume.  He  commenced 
his  sermon,  however,  and  went  on  with  it  logically 
and  quietly,  but  at  last,  suddenly  starting  off  at  a 
tangent,  he  commenced  to  inveigh  most  violently 
agamst  the  habit  of  swearing,  and  e.xpatiated  on  this 
subject  till  the  end  of  his  discourse. 

After  the  sermon  was  ended  the  king  had  liis  din- 
ner, to  which  he  invited  the  minister,  and  when  the 
bottle  had  circulated  for  a  while  :  "  Parson,"  says  the 
king,  "  why  didst  thou  flee  so  from  thy  te.xt  ?" 

"  If  it  please  your  majesty,"  was  the  reply,  "when 
you  took  the  pains  to  come  so  far  out  of  \'our  way  to 
hear  me,  I  thought  it  very  good  manners  for  me  to 
step  a  little  way  out  of  my  te.xt  to  meet  with  your 
majestj'." 

"  By  my  saul,  nion,"  exclaimed  James,  "  and  thou 
hast  met  with  me  so  as  never  mon  did." 

It  w^ill  be  remembered  that  James  I  was  notorious 
for  cursing  and  swearing,  in  a  manner  almost  verging 
on  blasphemy.      [9] 

A  Castle  Stcr(c)y 

A  Glasgow  anticpiary  recently  visited  an  old  castle, 
and  asked  one  of  the  villagers  if  he  knew  anything 
of  an  old  story  about  the  building. 

"Ay,"  said  the  rustic,  "there  was  another  auld 
storey,  but  it  fell  down  lang  since." 

A  Satisfactory  Explanation 
A  trial  took  place  before  a  bailie,  who  excelled 
more  as  a  citizen  than  as  a  scholar.  A  witness  had 
occasion  to  refer  to  the  testimony  of  a  man  who  had 
died  recently,  and  he  spoke  of  him  frequently  as  the 
defunct. 

Amazed  at  the  constant  repetition  of  a  word  he  did 
not  understand,  the  bailie  petulantly  said:  "  \Vhat'.s 


120  Scotcb  XUit  anD  Ibumor 

the  use  o'  yer  talkiu'  sne  nuickle  aboot  the  man 
Defunct?  Canua  ye  bring  him  here  and  let  hin» 
speak  for  himsel'  ?  " 

"  Tlie  defunct's  dead,  my  lord,"  replied  the  witness. 

"  Oil,  i)uir  man,  tiiat  alters  the  case,"  said  the 
sapient  administrator  of  the  law. 

Sandy's  Reply  to  the  Sheriff 
Sandy  Gibb,  master-blacksmilii  in  a  certain  town 
in  Scotland,  was  sunmioned  as  a  witness  to  the 
Sheriff-Court  in  a  case  of  two  of  his  workmen.  The 
sheriff,  after  hearing  the  testimony,  asked  Sandy  why 
he  did  not  advise  them  to  settle,  seeing  the  costs  had 
already  amounted  to  three  times  the  disputed  claim. 
Sandy's  reply  was,  "  I  advised  the  fules  to  settle,  for 
I  saw  that  the  shirra  officer  wad  tak'  their  coates,  the 
lawwers  their  sarks,  an'  gif  they  got  to  your  lordship's 
haunds  ye'd  tear  the  skin  aff  them."  Sandy  was 
ordered  to  stand  down. 

A  Grammatical  Beggar 

A  beggar  some  time  ago  applied  for  alms  at  the 
door  of  a  partisan  of  the  Anti-begging  Society.  After 
in  vain  detailing  his  manifold  sorrows,  the  inexorable 
gentleman  peremtorily  dismissed  him:  "  Go  away," 
said  he,  "  go,  we  caima  gie  ye  naething." 

"You  might  at  least,"  re])lied  the  mendicant,  with 
an  air  of  arch  dignity,  "  have  refused  me  grammati- 
cally." 

Good  Enough  to  Give  Away 

A  woman  entered  a  jirovision  shop  and  asked  for 
a  pound  of  butter,  "an'  look  ye  here,  guidman,"  she 
exclaimed,  "see  an'  gie  me  it  guid,  for  the  last  pound 
was  that  bad  I  had  to  gie't  awa'  to  the  wifie  next 
door." 

A   Dry  Preacher 

On  one  occasion  when  coming  to  church,  Dr.  Mac- 
knight,  who  was  a  much  better  commentator  than 
preacher,  having  been  caught  in  a  shower  of  rain, 
entered  the  vestry,  soaked  through.  Every  means 
were  used  to  relieve  him  from  his  discomfort ;   but  as 


Scotcb  ^it  anO  Ibumoc  121 

the  time  drew  on  for  divine  service,  he  became  very- 
querulous,  and  ejaculated  over  and  over  again  :  "  Oli  ! 
I  wish  that  I  was  dry  !  Do  you  think  that  I  am  dry  ? 
Do  you  think  that  I  am  dry  eneuch  noo?"  Tired  by 
these  endless  complaints,  his  jocose  colleague,  Dr. 
Henry,  the  historian,  at  last  replied  :  "  Bide  a  wee, 
doctor,  and  ye'se  be  dry  eneuch,  gin  ye  once  get  into 
the  pu'pit."      [9] 

A  Poetical  Question  and  Answer 
Mr.    Dewar,  a    shop-keeper  at    Edinburgh,  being 
in  want  of  silver  for  a  bank  note,  went  into  the  shop 
of  a  neighbor   of  the   name  of   Scott,  whom   he  thus 
addressed : 

"  Master  Scott, 
Can  you  change  me  a  note  ?  " 

Mr.  Scott's  reply  was  : 

"  I'm  not  very  sure,  but  I'll  see." 
Then  going  into  his  back    room   he    immediately 
returned  and  added  : 

"  Indeed,  Mr.  Dewar, 
It's  out  of  my  power. 
For  my  wife's  away  with  the  key." 

Drinking  by  Candle  Light 
The  taverns  to  which  Edinburgh  lawyers  of  a 
hundred  years  ago  resorted  were  generally  very 
obscure  and  mean — at  least  they  would  appear  such 
now  ;  and  many  of  them  were  situated  in  the  pro- 
found recesses  of  the  old  town,  where  there  was  no 
light  from  the  sun,  the  iimiates  having  to  use  candles 
continually. 

A  small  party  of  legal  gentlemen  happened  one  day 
to  drop  iiUo  one  of  these  dens  ;  and  as  they  sat  a  good 
while  drinking,  they  at  last  forgot  the  time  of  day. 
Taking  their  impressions  from  the  candles,  they  just 
supposed  that  they  were  enjoying  an  ordinary  eve- 
ning debauch. 

"  Sirs,"  said  one  of  them  at  last,  "  it's  time  to  rise  ; 
ye  ken  I'm  a  married  man,  and  should  be  early  at 
home."     And  so  they  all  rose,  and  prepared  to  stag- 


122  Scotcb  Wit  anD  Ibumoc 

ger  liome  through  the  streets,  which  at  night  were  hut 
dimly  lighted  with  oil  ;  when,  lo  and  beiiold  !  on  their 
emerging  from  the  tavern,  they  suddenly  found  them- 
selves projected  into  the  blaze  of  a  summer  afternoon, 
and  at  the  same  time,  under  the  gaze  of  a  thousand 
curious  eyes,  which  were  directed  to  their  tipsy  and 
negligent  figures. 

Disqualified  to  be  a  Country  Preacher 
The  gentleman  who  has  been  rendered  famous  by 
the  pen  of  Burns,  under  the  epithet  of  Rumble  John, 
was  one  Sunday  invited  to  preach  in  a  parish  church 
in  the  Carse  of  Stirling,  where,  as  there  had  been  a 
long  course  of  drj^  weather,  the  farmers  were  begin- 
ning to  wish  for  a  geiUle  shower;  for  the  sake  of  their 
crops  then  on  the  eve  of  being  rii)e.  Aware  of  this 
Mr.  Russell  introduced  a  i)etition,  according  to 
custom,  into  his  last  prayer,  for  a  change  of  weather. 
He  prayed,  it  is  said,  that  the  windows  of  heaven 
might  be  opened,  and  a  flood  fall  to  fatten  the  ground 
and  fulfill  the  hojies  of  the  husbandmen.  This  was 
asking  too  much  ;  for,  in  realitj^  nothing  was  wanting 
but  a  series  of  very  gentle  showers.  As  if  to  show 
how  bad  a  farmer  he  was,  a  thunder  storm  immedi- 
ately came  on,  of  so  severe  a  character,  that  before 
the  congregation  was  dismissed,  there  was  not  an 
upright  bean-stalk  in  the  whole  of  the  Carse.  The 
farmers,  on  seeing  their  crops  so  much  injured,  and 
that  apparently  by  the  ignorance  of  the  clergyman, 
shook  their  heads  to  one  another  as  they  afterwards 
clustered  about  the  churchyard  ;  and  one  old  man  was 
heard  to  remark  to  his  wife,  as  he  trudged  indignantly 
out,  "  That  lad  may  be  very  gude  for  the  town,  as 
they  say  he  is,  but  I'm  clear  that  he  disna  understan' 
the  k intra." 

Grim   Humor 

An  English  traveler  was  taking  a  walk  through  a 
Scotch  fishing  village,  and  being  surprised  at  the 
temerity  of  the  children  playing  about  the  pier,  he  said 
to  a  woman  who  stood  by  :  "  Do  not  the  children  fre- 
quently drop  in  ?  " 


Scotcb  limit  anD  Ibumor  123 

"Ay,  ay,  the  fule  things,  they  often  fa'  ower  the 
pier,"  she  answered  coolly. 

"  God  bless  me  !   Lost  of  course  ?  " 

"  Na,  na,"  was  the  reply;  "  noo  and  then,  to  be 
sure,  a  bairn's  drooned,  but  unfortunately  there's 
maistly  some  idle  body  in  the  way  to  fish  oot  the 
deevils !  " 

Sabbath  Zeal 

The  reverence  for  the  Sabbath  in  Scotland  some- 
times takes  a  form  one  would  have  hardly  anticipated. 
An  old  Highland  man  said  to  an  English  tourist  : 
"They're  a  God-fearin'  set  o'  folks  here,  'deed  they 
are,  an'  I'll  give  ye  an  instance  o't.  Last  Sabbath, 
just  as  the  kirk  was  skalin',  there  was  a  drover  chiel 
frae  Dumfries  along  the  road,  whistlin'  and  lookin' 
as  happy  as  if  it  was  ta  middle  o'  ta  week.  Weel,  sir, 
our  laads  is  a  God-fearin'  set  o'  laads,  and  they  yokit 
upon  him  an'  a'most  killed  him." 

At  the  End  of  His  Tether 

An  old  Scotch  lady  was  told  that  her  minister  used 
notes.  She  disbelieved  it.  Said  one  :  "  Go  into  the 
gallery  and  see  !  " 

She  did  so,  and  saw  the  written  sermon.  After  the 
luckless  preacher  had  concluded  his  reading  on  the 
last  page,  he  said  :  "  But  I  will  not  enlarge." 

The  old  woman  cried  out  from  her  lofty  position  : 
"  Ye  canna  !  ye  canna,  for  yer  paper's  give  oot !  " 

A  Thrifty  Proposal 

It  is  said  that  before  tiie  opening  of  the  Glasgow 
Exhibition  the  laying  out  of  the  garden  and  grounds 
were  under  discussion,  and  it  was  suggested  that  a 
gondola  would  look  ornamental  on  the  water. 

"Well,"  said  a  member  of  the  town  council,  "I 
think  we  may  as  well  have  a  />«/;-,  and  they  might 
breed.''' 

Was  He  a  Liberal  or  a  Tory  ? 

A  keen  politician,  in  the  City  of  Glasgow,  heard 
one  day  of  the  death  of  a  party  opponent,  who  in  a 
fit  of  a  mental  aberration,  had  shot   himself.     "Ah," 


124  Scotcb  XUit  anD  Ibumor 

said  he,  "  j^ane  awa'  that  way  by  liimsel',  has  he?  I 
wish  liiat  he  had  ta'eii  tvva  or  tiiree  days'  shooting 
among  his  friends  before  he  went  !  " 

Advice  on  Nursing 
A  bachelor  of  seventy  and  upwards  came  one  day 
to  Bishop  Alexander,  of  Dunkeld,  and  said  he  wished 
to  marry  a  girl  of  the  neighborhood  whom  he  named. 
The  bishop,  a  non-juring  Scottisli  E;piscopalian  of  the 
middle  of  last  century,  and  himself  an  old  bachelor, 
inquired  into  the  motive  of  this  strange  proceeding, 
and  soon  drew  from  the  old  man  the  awkward  apology, 
that  he  married  to  have  a  nurse.  Too  knowin<i  to 
believe  such  a  statement,  the  good  bishop  quietly 
replied,  "  See,  John,  then,  and  make  her  ane." 

A  Critic  on  His  Own  Criticism 
Lord  Eldon,  so  remarkable  for  his  naif  expression, 
being  reminded,  of  a  criticism  wliich  he  had  formerly 
made  upon  a  jjicture  which  he  himself  had  forgotten, 
inquired,  "  Did  I  say  that?"  "  Yes."  "  Then  if  I  said 
that,"  (juoth  the  self-satisfied  wit,  "  it  was  dcevilish 
gudcr 

Holding  A  Candle  to  the  Sun 
A  wet  and  witty  barrister,  one  Saturday  encoun- 
tered an  equally  Bacchanalian  senatorial  friend,  in 
the  course  of  a  walk  to  Leith.  Remembering  that  he 
had  a  good  joint  of  mutton  roasting  for  dinner,  he 
invited  his  friend  to  accompany  him  home  ;  and  they 
accordingly  dined  together,  secundum  vwrein  soliliun. 
After  dinner  was  over,  wine  and  cards  conunenced  ; 
and,  as  they  were  each  fond  of  both,  neither  thought 
of  reminding  the  other  of  the  advance  of  time,  till  the 
church  bell  ne.xt  day  disturbed  them  in  their  darkened 
room   about   a  quarter  before    eleven    o'clock.     The 

judge  then  rising  to  depart,  Mr.  walked  behind 

him  to  the  outer  door,  with  a  candle  in  each  hand,  by 
way  of  showing  him  out.  Tak'  care,  my  lord,  tak' 
care,"  cried  the  kind  host  most  anxiously,  holding  the 
candles  out  of  the  door  into  the  sunny  street,  along 
which  the  jjeople  were  i)ouring  churchwards;  "  Tak' 
care;  there's  twa  steps." 


Scotcb  'mix  anD  Ibumor  125 

A  False  Deal 

A  gentleman  was  one  night  engaged  with  a  judge 
in  a  tremendous  drinking  bout  whicli  lasted  all  night, 
and  till  within  a  single  hour  of  the  time  when  the 
court  was  to  open  next  morning.  The  two  cronies 
had  little  more  than  time  to  wash  themselves  in  their 
respective  houses  when  they  had  to  meet  again,  in 
their  professional  capacities  of  judge  and  pleader,  in 
the  Parliament  House.  Mr.  Clerk  (afterwards  Lord 
Eldon),  it  appears,  had,  in  the  hurry  of  his  toilet, 
thrust  the  pack  of  cards  he  had  been  using  over  night 
into  the  pocket  of  his  gown  ;  and  thus  as  he  was  going 
to  open  up  the  pleading,  in  pulling  out  his  handker- 
chief, he  also  pulled  out  fifty-two  witnesses  of  his  last 
night's  debauch,  which  fell  scattered  within  the  bar. 
"Mr.  Clerk,"  said  his  judicial  associate  in  guilt,  with 
the  utmost  coolness,  "  before  ye  begin,  I  think  ye  had 
better  take  up  your  hand." 

A  Scotch  Matrimonial  Jubilee 

Two  fishwives  in  London  were  talking  about  the 
Queen's  jubilee.  "  Eh,  wuninian,"  said  one  to  the 
other,  "  can  ye  tell  me  what  a  jubilee  is,  for  I  hear  a' 
the  folks  spakin'  aboot  it  ?  " 

"  Ou,  ay,"  replied  the  other,  "I  can  tell  ye  that. 
Ye  see  when  a  man  and  a  wumman  has  been  marrit 
for  five-and-tweiity  years,  that's  a  silver  waddin  ;  and 
when  they've  been  marrit  for  fifty  years, that's  a  gouden 
waddin  ;  but  when  the  man's  deed,  that's  a  jubilee  !  " 

A  Drunkard's  Thoughts 

An  inebriate,  some  time  back,  got  into  a  tramcar  in 
Glasgow,  and  became  very  troublesome  to  the  other 
passengers  ;  so  much  so  that  it  was  proposed  to  eject 
him.  A  genial  and  right  reverend  doctor,  who  was 
also  a  passenger  took  him  in  hand,  however,  and 
soothed  him  into  good  behavior  for  the  rest  of  the 
journey.  Before  leaving,  the  man  shook  hands 
warmly  with  the  doctor,  after  scowling  at  the  other 
occupants  of  the  car,  and  said  :  "  Good-day,  my  freen', 
I  see  ye  ken  what  it  is  to  be  foo'." 


126  Scctcb  XUit  aiiD  Ibumoc 

A  Lofty  "  Style  " 

The  late  Mr.  Andrew  Balfour,  one  of  the  judges  in 
the  Commissary  Court  of  Edinburgii,  used  to  talk  in 
in  a  very  pompous  and  inflated  style  of  language. 
Having  made  an  appointment  with  the  late  Honorable 
Henry  Erskine,  on  some  particular  business,  and  fail- 
ing to  attend,  he  apologized  for  it,  by  telling  the  learned 
barrister  that  his  brother,  the  Laird  of  Balbirnie,  in 
passing  from  one  of  his  enclosures  to  another,  had 
fallen  down  from  the  stile  and  sprained  his  ankle. 
This  trifling  accident  he  related  in  language  highly 
pedantic  and  bombastical.  The  wittj'  advocate,  with 
his  usual  vivacity,  replied,  "  It  was  very  fortunate  for 
your  brother,  Andrew,  that  it  was  not  iromj'our  style 
he  fell,  or  he  had  broken  his  neck,  instead  of  sprain- 
ing his  ankle  !  " 

During  the  time  the  above-named  gentleman  pre- 
sided in  court,  his  sister,  Miss  Balfour,  happened  to 
be  examined  as  a  witness  in  a  cause  then  before  the 
court.  Andrew  began  in  his  pompous  way,  by  ask- 
ing, "Woman,  what  is  thy  name?  what  is  thy  age? 
and  where  is  thy  usual  place  of  residence?"  To 
which  interrogatories  Miss  Balfour  only  replied,  by 
staring  him  broad  in  the  face,  when  the  questions 
were  again  repeated,  with  all  the  grimace  and 
pedantry  he  was  master  of,  which  the  lady,  observ- 
ing, said,  "  Dear  me,  Andrew,  do  ye  no  ken  yer  ain 
sister?"  To  which  the  judge  answered,  "Woman, 
when  I  sit  in  court  I  administer  justice ;  I  know  no 
one,  neither  father  or  mother,  sister  or  brother  !  " 

Depression — Delight — Despair 

Three  boys  at  school,  learning  their  catechism,  the 
one  asked  the  other  how  far  he  had  got.  To  this  he 
answered,  "I'm  at  'A  State  o'  Sin  and  Misery.'" 
He  then  asked  another  what  length  he  was,  to  which 
he  replied,  "  I'm  just  at  '  Effectual  Calling.'  "  They 
were  both  anxious,  of  course,  to  learn  how  far  he  was 
himself,  and  having  asked  him,  he  answered,  "Past 
Redemption." 


Scotcb  "wait  aiiD  tbumor  127 

An  Earl's  Pride  and  Parsimony 

A  late  nobleman,  in  whose  character  vanity  and 
parsimony  were  the  most  remarkable  features,  was, 
for  a  long  time  before  he  died,  in  the  habit  of  retail- 
ing the  produce  of  his  dairy  and  his  orchard  to  the 
children  and  poor  people  of  the  neighborhood.  It  is 
told,  that  one  day  observing  a  pretty  little  girl  trip- 
ping through  his  grounds  with  a  milk  pipkin,  he 
stooped  to  kiss  her  ;  after  wliich  he  said,  in  a  pompous 
tone,  "  Now,  my  dear,  you  may  tell  your  grand- 
children, and  tell  them  in  their  turn  to  tell  their 
grandchildren,  that  you  had  once  the  lionor  of  receiv- 
ing a  kiss   from  the   Right    Hon — the  Earl  of  ." 

The  girl  looked  up  in  his  face,  and,  with  a  strange 
mixture  of  simplicity  and  archness,  remarked,  "  But 
ye  took  the  penny  for  the  milk,  though  !  " 

Question  and  Answer 

At  a  church  in  Scotland,  where  there  was  a  popular 
call,  two  candidates  offered  to  preach  of  the  names  of 
Adam  and  Low.  The  last  preached  in  the  morning, 
and  took  for  his  text,  "  Adam,  where  art  thou  ?  "  He 
made  a  most  excellent  discourse,  and  the  congrega- 
tion were  much  edified.  In  the  evening  Mr.  Adam 
preached,  and  took  for  his  text,  "  Lo,  here  am  I  !  " 
The  improviptii  and  his  sermon  gained  him  the 
church. 

Robbing  "On  Credit" 

Soon  after  the  battle  of  Preston,  two  Highlanders, 
in  roaming  through  the  south  of  Mid-Lothian,  entered 
the  farm-house  of  Swanston,  near  the  Pentland  Hills, 
where  they  found  no  one  at  home  but  an  old  woman. 
They  immediately  proceeded  to  search  the  house,  and 
soon,  finding  a  web  of  coarse  home-spun  cloth,  made 
no  scruple  to  unroll  and  cut  off  as  much  as  they 
thought  would  make  a  coat  for  each.  The  woman 
was  exceedingly  incensed  at  their  rapacity,  and  even 
had  the  hardihood  to  invoke  divine  vengence  upon 
their  heads.  "  Ye  villains  !"  she  cried,  "ye'U  ha'e 
to  account  for  this  yet  !  " 

'*  And  when  will  we  pe  account  for't  ?  " 


128  Scotch  IClit  anD  Ibumor 

"  At  the  Inst  day,  ye  blackguards  !  "  exclaimed  the 
■woman. 

"  Ta  last  tay  !  "  replied  the  Highlander;  "tat  pe 
cood  long  credit — we'll  e'en  pe  tak'  a  waistcoat,  too  !  " 
at  the  same  time  cutting  off  a  few  additional  yards  of 
the  cloth. 

Taking  a  Light  Supper 

A  poet  being  at  supper  where  the  fare  was  very 
scanty,  and  not  of  first-rate  quality,  said  the  following 
^race : 

"  O  Thou,  who  blessed  the  loaves  and  fishes, 
Look  down  upon  tliese  two  poor  dishes  ; 
And  though  the  'taties  be  but  sma', 
Lord,  make  them  large  enough  for  a'  ; 
For  if  they  do  our  bellies  fill, 
'Twill  be  a  wondrous  miracle  !  " 

Rustic  Notion  of  the  Resurrection 

It  is  the  custom  in  Scotland  for  the  elders  to  assist 
the  minister  in  visiting  the  sick  ;  and  on  such  occasions 
they  give  the  patient  and  th^  surrounding  gossijis  the 
benefit  of  prayers.  Being  generally  well  acquainted 
in  the  different  families,  they  often  sit  an  hour  or  two 
after  the  sacred  rites,  to  chat  with  those. who  are  in 
health,  and  to  receive  the  benefit  of  a  dram.  On  one 
of  these  occasions  in  the  house  of  Donald  M'Intyre, 
whose  wife  had  been  confined  to  her  fireside  and  arm- 
chair for  many  years,  the  elder  and  Donald  grew 
unco'  gracious.  Glass  after  glass  was  filled  from  the 
bottle,  and  the  elder  entered  into  a  number  of  meta- 
physical discussions,  which  he  had  heard  from  the 
minister.  Among  other  topics  was  the  resurrection. 
The  elder  was  strenuous  in  support  of  the  rising  of 
the  same  body ;  but  Donald  could  not  comprehend 
how  a  body  once  dissolved  in  the  dust  could  be 
reanimated.  At  last,  catching  what  he  thought  a 
glim|)se  of  the  subject,  he  exclaimed,  "  VVeel,  weel, 
Sandy,  ye're  richt  sae  far ;  you  and  me,  that  are 
strong,  healthy  folk,  tuav  rise  again  ;  but  that  pitir 
thing  there, /a/-  she  sits  "  (that  poor  thing,  where  she 
sits)  "  she'll  ne'er  rise  again." 


Scotcb  XUlt  auD  Ibumot  129 

A  Definition  of  Baptism 

A  Scotch  clergyman,  one  day  catechising  his  flock 
in  the  cliurch,  the  beadle,  or  church  officer,  being 
somewhat  ill-read  in  the  catechism,  thought  it  best  to 
keep  a  modest  place  near  the  door,  in  the  hope  of 
escaping  the  inquisition.  But  the  clergyman  observed 
and  called  him  forward.  "John,"  said  he,  "  what  is 
baptism?"  "  Ou,  sir,"  answered  John,  scratching 
his  head,  "  ye  ken,  it's  just  saxpence  to  me,  and 
fifteenpence  to  the  precentor." 

No  End   to   His  Wit 

A  gentleman  in  the  west  of  Scotland,  celebrated  for 
his  wit,  was  conversing  with  a  lady,  who,  at  last, 
overpowered  by  the  brilliance  and  frequency  of  his 
bo7i  Viols,  exclaimed,  "  Stop,  sir ;  there  is  really  no 
end  to  your  wit."  "God  forbid,  madam,"  replied 
the  humorist,  "  that  I  should  ever  be  at  my  wit's 
end." 

Leaving  the  Lawyers  a  Margin 

A  man  from  the  country  applied  lately  to  a  respect- 
able solicitor  in  this  town  for  legal  advice.  After 
detailing  the  circumstances  of  the  case,  he  was  asked 
if  he  had  stated  the  facts  exactly  as  they  occurred. 
"  Ou,  ay,  sir,"  rejoined  the  applicant,  "I  thought  it 
best  to  tell  you  the  plain  truth ;  ye  can  put  the  lees 
tiirt  yoursel'." 

A  Lunatic's  Advice  to  Money  Lenders 

The  following  curious  conversation  actuallyoccurred 
in  a  garden  attached  to  a  lunatic  asylum,  near  Dum- 
fries. The  interlocutors  w^re  the  keeper,  a  very 
respectable  man,  and  one  of  the  most  manageable 
of  his  patients  : 

"  Tak'  it  easy,  tak'  it  easy,  Jamie;  ye're  no  work- 
ing against  time,  man  ;  and  when  you  come  near  the 
border,  be  sure  and  keep  y-ur  feet  aff  the  flowers." 

"  The  flowers  !  hurt  th<*  bonnie  sweet  flowers  1  " 
said  Jamie;  "  Na,  na,  I'm.  no  sae  daft  as  that  comes 
to,  neither  ;  I  wad  as  sof>n  chap  off  my  ain  fingers  as 
crush  ane  o'  them      There' s  the  summer  snaw-drap 

9 


130  Scotcb  'iUit  aiiD  IDumor 

already  keeking  through  its  green  sheath  ;  as  weal  as 
daisies  and  primroses,  an'  the  thing  they  ca'  rocket ; 
although  it  would  mak'  but  a  puir  cracker  on  the 
king's  birthday — He!  he!  he!  Ay,  there's  hearts- 
ease and  rovvaiitree,  sprigs  o'  which  I  aye  wear  next 
my  skin  ;  the  tane  to  fleg  awa'  the  witches,  an'  the 
tither  to  keep  my  heart  frae  beating.  An'  there's  the 
ginty  wee  flower  that  I  gied  a  bit  o'  to  Tibby  Dalrym- 
ple,  wha  tint  her  wits  for  love,  an'  wha  said  sae  muckle 
to  me  through  the  grating  o'  her  cell,  about  the  gude 
that  the  smell  o'  the  flower  wad  do  her,  that  I  couldna 
find  i'  my  heart  to  deny  her,  puir  thing." 

"  Very  weel,  Jamie,"  replied  the  keeper,  "  be  a 
guid  lad,  an'  continue  to  dress  that  little  corner  until 
I  come  back  frae  the  sands." 

"  Ou,  ay!"  rejoined  Jamie,  "  this  is  Wednesday, 
an'  you'll  be  gaun  down  to  meet  wi'  some  o'  your 
country  friends.  It's  changed  time  wi'  them,  I 
jalous  ;  whaur  the  public-house  used  to  sell  a  gal- 
lon o'  whiskey,  they  dinna  sell  a  mutchkin  noo,  I 
hear ;  but  that's  naething,  their  customers  will  get 
sooner  hame  to  their  families;  an'  then  they'll  be 
fewer  bane  broken  riding  fule  races.     But  tak'  care 

o'  yoursel',  Mr. ,  tak'  care  that  some  o'  them  dinna 

come  Yorkshire  ower  you.  They'll  be  inviting  you 
in  to  tak'  a  dram,  nae  doubt,  an'  making  a  puir 
mouth  about  the  badness  o'  times,  trying  to  borrow  a 
little  siller  frae  you.  But  if  I  was  you,  I'll  tell  ye  what 
I  wad  dae.  I  wad  get  twa  purses  made,  and  ca'  ane 
o'  them  '  Somebody,'  and  the  ither  'A  '  the  JVorld'  ; 
an'  next  I  wad  pit  a'  my  siller  in  the  first,  and  no'  a 
bawbee  in  the  second  ;  and  then,  when  any  o'  them 
spak'  o'  borrowing,  I  wad  whu])  out  the  toom  purse, 
and  shaking't  before  the  chiel's  een,  swear  that  I 
hadna  a  ha'penny  in  'A'  the  World,'  until  I  gat  it 
frae'  'Somebody  /'  " 

Prophesying' 

A  country  clergyman,  who,  on  Sundays,  is  more 
indebted  to  his  manuscript  than  to  his  memory,  called 
unceremoniously  at  a  cottage  while  its  possessor,  a 
pious  parishioner,  was  engaged  (a  daily  exercise)  in 


Scotcb  lUit  auD  Tbumoc  131 

perusing  a  paragraph  of  the  writing  of  an  inspired 
prophet.  "  Weel,  John,"  familiarly  inquired  the 
clerical  visitant,  "what's  this  you  are  about?"  "I 
am  prophesying,"  was  the  prompt  reply.  "  Prophe- 
sying !  "  exclaimed  the  astonished  divine  ;  "  I  doubt 
you  are  only  reading  a  prophesy."  "  Weel,"  argued 
the  religious  rustic,  "  gif  reading  a  preachin'  be 
preachin',  is  na  reading  a  prophecy  prophesying  ?  " 

Definition  of  Metaphysics 
A  Scotch  blacksmith  being  asked  the  meaning  of 
"  Metaphysics,"  explained  it  as  follows  :  "When  the 
party  who  listens  dinna  ken  what  the  party  who 
speaks  means,  and  when  the  party  who  speaks  dinna 
ken  what  he  means  himself— that  is  '  metaphysics.'  " 

His  Word  and  His  Bond  Equally  Binding 

A  crusty  tenant  of  the   late   Laird    D ,  pressing 

him  to  complete  some  piece  of  work  which  had  long 
stood  over,  the  laird  craved  further  delay,  adding  that 
he  would  give  his  word  of  honor — nay,  his  written 
bond,  to  have  the  thing  done  before  a  certain  day. 

"Your  word!"  exclaimed  the  tenant,  "it's  weel 
kenn'd  that  will  do  me  little  guid  ;  and  as  for  j-our 
writing,  naebody  can  read  it." 

Bad  Arithmeticians  often  Good  Book-Keepers 
Sir  Walter  Scott,  in  lending  a  book  one  day  to  a 
friend,  cautioned  him  to  be  punctual  in  returning  it. 
"  This  is  really  necessary,"  said  the  poet  in  apology  ; 
"for  though  many  of  my  friends  are  bad  arithmeti- 
cians, I  observe  almost  all  of  them  to  be  good  book- 
keepers,^^ 

Curious  Misunderstanding 
An  itinerant  vendor  of  wood  in  Aberdeen  having 
been  asked  how  his  wife  was,  replied,  "  O  she's  fine, 
I  hae  ta'en  her  to  Banchory  "  ;  and  on  it  being  inno- 
cently remarked  that  the  change  of  air  would  do  her 
good,  he  looked  up  and  with  a  half-smile  said,  "  Hoot, 
she's  i'  the  kirkyard." 


132  Scotcb  'Uatt  anO  IDumor 

"  Terms—'  Cash  Down  '  " 

A  story  is  told  of  a  mcinber  of  the  Scoteli  Faculty 
of  Advocates,  distinguished  for  his  literary  attain- 
ments. One  day,  preseiUing  himself  on  horseback 
at  a  toll,  he  found,  on  searching  his  pockets,  that 
he  had  not  a  farthing  about  him  wherewith  to  pur- 
chase a  right  of  passage.  He  disclosed  his  circum- 
stances to  the  man  who  kept  the  bar,  and  requested 
that  he  might  have  credit  till  he  came  back  ;  but  the 
fellow  was  deaf  to  all  entreaties,  representing  how 
often  he  had  been  bilked  by  persons  promising  the 
same  thing.  The  advocate  was  offended  at  this 
insinuation,  and,  drawing  himself  U[)  in  the  saddle, 
exclaimed  :  "  Look  at  my  face,  sir,  and  say  if  you 
think  I  am  likely  to  cheat  you  ?  "  The  man  looked 
as  he  was  desired,  but  answered,  with  a  shake  of  his 
head,  "  I'll  thank  you  for  the  twapence,  sir."  Mr. 
was  obliged  to  turn  back. 

Forcing  a  Judge  to  Obey  the  Law 

The  Lord  Justice-Clerk  is  the  chief  judge  of  the 
Scottish  Criminal  Court,  in  addition  to  which  dignity 
he  sits  at  the  head  of  one  division  of  the  great  Civil 
Court  of  the  country.  It  will  thus  be  understood  by 
a  southern  reader  that  he  is  a  personage  of  no  small 
local  dignity.  A  bearer  of  this  office  was  once  shoot- 
ing over  the  grounds  of  a  friend  in  Ayrshire  by  him- 
self, when  a  game-keei)er,  who  was  unacquainted 
with  his  person,  came  up  and  demanded  to  see  his 
license,  or  card  of  permission.  His  lordship  had, 
unfortunately  nothing  of  the  sort  about  his  i)erson  ; 
but,  secure  in  his  high  character  and  dignity,  he  made 
very  light  of  the  omission,  and  was  ])rei)aring  to 
renew  his  sport.  The  man,  however,  was  zealous  in 
his  trust,  and  sternly  forbad  him  to  proceed  any  fur- 
ther over  the  fields.  "What,  sirrah,"  cries  his  lord- 
shij),  "  do  you  know  whom  you  are  si)eaking  to?  I 
am  the  Lord  Justice-Clerk  !  "  "I  dinna  care,"  replied 
the  man,  "  whase  clerk  ye  are  ;  but  ye  maun  shank  aff 
these  grounds,  or,  by  my  saul,  I'll  lay  your  feet  fast." 
The  reader  is  left  to  conceive  the  astonishment  of  the 
unfortunate  judge  at  finding  himself  treated  in  a  style 
so  different  from  his  wont. 


Scotcb  XClit  anO  Ibumor  133 

«'  Nothing,"  and  How  to  See  It 

An  Irisli  jiriest,  proceeding  to  chapel,  observed  sev- 
eral girls  seated  on  a  tombstone,  and  asked  them 
what  they  were  doing  there?  "  Nothing  at  all,  please 
your  riverence,"  was  the  reply  of  one  of  them. 
"  Nothing  ?  "  said  the  priest ;   ' '  what  is  nothing  ?  " 

"  Shut  your  eyes,  your  riverence,"  retorted  the  girl, 
'■  and  you'll  see  it." 

Why  Not? 

A  gentleman  the  other  day,  visiting  a  school  at 
Edinburgh,  had  a  book  put  in  his  hand  for  the  pur- 
pose of  examining  a  class.  The  word  "  inheritance  " 
occurring  in  the  verse,  the  querist  interrogated  the 
youngest  as  follows  : 

"What  is  inheritance?" 

"  Patrimony." 

"  What  is  patrimony  ?  " 

"  Something  left  by  a  father." 

"  What  would  you  call  it  if  left  by  a  mother?" 

"  Matrimony." 

True  (perhaps)  of  Other  Places  than  Dundee 

In  the  committee  on  the  factory  bill,  the  following 
sensible  question  was  put  to  a  witness  named  Peter 
Stuart,  the  overseer  of  the  factory  at  Dundee.  Ques- 
tion :  "When  do  your  girls  marry?"  "  Whenever 
they  can  meet  with  men  !  ' ' 

Pretending  to  Make  a  Will 

An  old  gentleman  was  one  evening  amusing  the 
junior  members  of  his  family,  and  a  number  of  their 
acquaintances,  by  making  up  a  sort  of  imaginary 
will,  in  which  he  destined  so  much  to  one  and 
so  much  to  another ;  the  eight-day  clock  to  his 
niece  or  nephew,  the  bed  to  that,  the  table  to  a 
third,  and  so  on.     "  But  what  will  you  leave  to  me, 

Mr.  K. ?"  said  a  lady,  who  felt  impatient  to  know 

what  was  to  be  her  lot.     "  I  leave  you  om/,"   replied 
the  testator. 


134  Scotch  TXMt  an&  Ibumor 

Unusual  for  a  Scotchman 
A  countryman  having  read  in  the  newspapers 
accounts  of  different  bank  failures,  and  having  a 
hundred  pounds  deposited  in  a  respectable  banking 
company  in  Aberdeen,  he  became  alarmed  fur  its 
safety,  hastened  to  town,  and,  calling  at  tiie  bank, 
presented  his  deposit  receipt,  and,  on  demanding  his 
money  was  paid,  as  is  customary,  with  notes  of  the 
bank  ;  he  grasped  them  in  his  hand,  and  having  got 
within  reach  of  the  door  turned  round,  and  exclaimed, 
"  Noo,  sir,  ye  may  braik  when  ye  like." 

An  Author  and  His  Printer 

It  is  well  known  to  literary  people,  that,  in  prepar- 
ing works  for  the  printer,  after  the  proof  sheets  have 
been  seen  by  the  author,  to  go  over  them  again,  and 
clear  them  of  what  are  called  typographical  errors — 
such  as  wrong  spellings,  inaccuracies  of  punctuation, 
and  similiar  imperfections.  In  performing  this  office 
for  a  celebrated  northern  critic  and  editor,  a  printer, 
now  dead,  was  in  the  habit  of  introducing  a  much 
greater  number  of  commas  than  it  appeared  to  the 
author  the  sense  required.  The  case  was  provoking, 
but  did  not  produce  a  formal  remonstrance,  until  Mr. 

W n   himself    accidentally     afforded    the   learned 

editor  an  opportunity  of  signifying  his  dissatisfaction 
with  the  plethora  of  punctuation  under  which  his 
compositions  were  made  to  labor.  The  worthy 
printer  coming  to  a  passage  one  day  which  he  did  not 
understand,  very  naturally  took  it  into  his  head  that 
it  was  unintelligible,  and  transmitted  it  to  his  em- 
ployer, with  a  remark  on  the  margin,  that  there 
appeared  some  "obscurity  in  it." 

The   sheet    was    immediately    returned,    with    the 

reply,  which  we  give  vet-bat  ivi  :     "Mr.  J sees  no 

obscurity  here,  except  such  as  arises  from  the  quan- 
tity of-commas,  whicii  Mr.  \V n  seems  to  keep  in  a 

pepper-box  beside  him,  for  the  purpose  of  dusting  all 
his  proofs  with." 

A  Keen  Reproof 

A  certain  person,  to  show  his  detestation  of  Hume's 
infidel  opinions   always   left  any   company  where  he 


Scotcb  XUit  anD  IDumoc  135 

happened  to  be,  if  Hume  joined  it.  The  latter, 
observing  this,  took  occasion  one  day  to  reprehend  it 
as  follows  :  "  Friend,"  said  he,  "  I  am  surprised  to 
find  you  display  such  a  pointed  aversion  to  me  ;  I 
would  wish  to  be  upon  good  terms  with  you  here,  as, 
upon  your  own  system,  it  seems  very  probable  we 
shall  be  doomed  to  tne  same  place  hereafter.  You 
think  I  shall  be  dammed  for  want  of  faith,  and  I  fear 
you  will  have  the  same  fate  for  want  of  charity." 

The  Scotch  Mason  and  the  Angel 

The  late  Mr.  Douglas,  of  Cavers,  in  Roxburghshire, 
one  day  walked  into  Cavers  churchyard,  where  he 
saw  a  stonemason  busily  engaged  in  carving  an  angel 
upon  a  gravestone.  Observing  that  the  man  was 
adorning  the  heavenly  spirit,  according  to  the  custom 
of  the  age,  with  a  grand  flowing  periwig,  Mr.  Douglas 
exclaimed  to  him,  "  in  the  name  of  wonder,  who  ever 
saw  an  angel  with  a  wig?"  "And  in  the  name  of 
wonder,"  answered  the  sculptor,  "  wha  ever  saw  an 
angel  ivithout  ane  ?  " 

A  Whole-witted  Sermon  from  a  Half-Witted 
Preacher 

A  half-witted  itinerant  preacher,  w-ell-known  in  the 
county  of  Ayr,  was  stopped  one  evening  on  the  road 
to  Stewarton,  by  a  band  of  shearers,  who  insisted  on 
his  retiring  to  a  neighboring  field  to  give  them  a  ser- 
mon. After  many  attempts  on  his  part  to  get  off,  and 
threats  on  theirs  if  he  did  not  comply,  the  honest 
man  was  compelled  to  consent ;  and,  from  the  back 
of  his  shaggy  haired  sheltie,  he  delivered  to  his  bare- 
footed audience  the  following  extemporaneous  effu- 
sion, taking  for  his  text  these  words  :  "  Naked  came 
I  out  of  my  mother's  womb,  and  naked  shall  I  return 
thither."  (Job  i  :  v.  21.)  "In  discoursing  from 
these  words,"  said  the  preacher,  "  I  shall  observe  the 
three  following  things:  (i)  Man's  ingress  into  the 
world  ;  (2)  His  progress  through  the  world  ;  and  (3) 
His  egress  out  of  the  world.  First,  man's  ingress 
into  the  world  is  naked  and  bare  ;  secondly,  his  pro- 
gress through  the  world  is  trouble  and  care  ;    thirdly, 


136  Scotcb  lUit  anO  Ibumor 

his  egress  out  of  the  world  is  nobody  knows  where. 
To  conclude  :  If  we  do  well  here,  we  shall  do  well 
there.  And  I  could  tell  you  no  more  were  I  to  preach 
a  whole  year." 

More  Witty  Than  True 

There  lived  about  the  beginning  of  last  century  an 
Episcopalian  clergyman  of  the  name  of  Robert  Calder, 
who  was  considered  an  extraordinary  wit,  and,  who, 
at  least,  must  be  allowed  to  have  used  very  extra- 
ordinary expressions.  He  ])ublished  a  jeii  d'  esprit 
under  the  form  of  a  catechism,  in  which  a  person  is 
made  to  ask:  "Who  was  the  first  Presbyterian?" 
The  answer  is  "Jonah."  "  How  do  ye  make  Jonah 
out  to  be  the  first  Presbyterian?"  is  again  asked. 
"Why,"  answers  the  other,  "because  the  Lord 
wanted  him  to  gang  east  and  he  gaed  wast !  "  (The 
same  might  be  said  of  Adam  and  all  who  preceded  or 
succeeded  Jonah — not  excepting  Robert  Calder. — Ed.) 

The  Parson  and  His  "  Thirdly  " 
A  certain  minister  had  a  custom  of  writing  the 
heads  of  his  discourse  on  small  slips  of  paper,  which 
he  placed  on  the  Bible  before  him  to  be  used  in  suc- 
cession. One  day  when  he  was  explaining  the  second 
head,  he  got  so  excited  in  liis  discourse,  that  he  caused 
the  ensuing  slip  to  fall  over  the  side  of  the  pulpit, 
though  unperceived  by  himself.  On  reaching  the  end 
of  the  second  head,  he  looked  down  for  the  third  slip  ; 
but  alas  !  it  was  not  to  be  found.  "  Thirdly,"  he 
cried  looking  around  him  with  great  anxiety.  After  a 
little  pause,  "  Thirdly,"  again  he  exclaimed  ;  but  still 
no  thirdly  appeared.  "  Thirdly,  I  sa\',  my  brethren," 
pursued  the  bewildered  clergyman  ;  but  not  another 
word  could  he  utter.  At  this  ])oint,  while  the  congre- 
gation were  partly  sympatiiizing,  and  i)artly  rejoicing 
at  this  decisive  instance  of  the  imi)ropriety  of  using 
notes  in  preaching — which  has  always  been  an  unpop- 
ular thing  in  Scotland,  an  old  woman  rose  up  and  thus 
addressed  the  preacher:  "  If  I'm  no'  mista'en,  sir,  I 
saw  thirdly  flee  out  at  the  east  window,  a  quarter  of 
an  hour  syne." 


Scotcb  XUit  an?  Ibumor  137 

Scotch  Ingenuity 
The  Jacobite  lairds  of  Fife  were  once,  on  the  occa- 
sion of  an  election,  induced  to  sign  the  oath  of 
abjuration  in  great  numbers,  in  order  to  vote  for  a 
friend  of  their  party.  It  was  much  against  their  con- 
science ;  but  the  case  was  such  as  to  make  them  wink 
pretty  hard.  During  the  carousal  which  followed,  Mr. 
Balfour,  of  Forrat,  a  Jacobite  of  the  old  stamp,  began, 
to  their  surprise,  to  inveigh  against  them  as  a  set  of 
perjured  rascals,  not  remembering  apparently,  that  he 
had  signed  as  well  as  the  rest.  They  burst  out  with 
one  universal  question  :  "  How  can  you  speak  this 
way,  Forrat,  since  you  are  just  as  guilty  as  ony  o' 
us?  "  "  That  am  I  no',"  said  Forrat,  with  a  triumph- 
ant air  of  innocence  and  waggery  ;  look  ye  at  the  list 
of  names,  and  ye'll  see  the  word  witness  at  the  end  of 
mine.     I  just  signed  as  witness  to  your  perjury  !  " 

Bolder  Than  Charles  the  Bold 

Joannes  Scotus,  the  early  Scotch  philosopher,  being 
in  company  with  Charles  the  Bold,  King  of  France, 
that  monarch  asked  him  good  humoredly,  what  was 
the  difference  between  a  Scot  and  a  sot.  Scotus,  who 
sat  opposite  the  king,  answered,  "  Only  the  breadth  of 
the  table." 

"Short  Commons" 

A  Mid-Lothian  farmer,  observed  to  his  ploughboy 
that  there  was  a  fly  in  his  milk. 

"  Oh,  never  mind,  sir,"  said  the  boy  ;  "  it  winna 
droon  ;  there's  nae  meikle  o't." 

"  Gudewife,"  said  the  farmer,  "Jock  saj'S  he  has 
ower  little  milk." 

"  There's  milk  enough  for  a'  my  bread,"  said  the 
sly  rogue. 

The  Shoemaker  and  Small  Feet 
A  lady,  who  seemed   rather  vain,   entered  a  boot- 
maker's   shop    one   day   with   the   usual    complaint : 

"  Why,  Mr.  S ,  these  boots  you  last   made  for  me 

are  much  too  big;  I  really  can't  understand  how  you 
always  make  that  mistake.  Can  you  not  make  small 
boots  ?  " 


138  Scotcb  lUit  anD  Ibumor 

"Ou,  ay,"  quicklj'  responded  the  man;  "I  can 
mak'  sma'  buits,but  I'm  sorry  I  canna  mak'  snia'  feet." 
Pleasant  Prospect  Beyond  the  Grave 

An  elderly  lady,  intending  t(i  jjnrchase  the  upper 
flat  of  a  house  in  Prince's  Street,  opposite  the  West 
Church  Burying-ground,  Edinburgh,  from  which  the 
chain  of  Pentland  Hills  formed  a  beautiful  back- 
ground, after  having  been  made  acquainted  with  all 
its  conveniences,  and  the  beauty  of  its  situation,  ele- 
gantly enumerated  bj-  the  builder,  he  requested  her 
to  cast  her  eye  on  the  romantic  hills  at  a  distance,  on 
the  other  side  of  the  church-yard.  The  lady  admitt<;d 
that  she  had  "  certainly  a  most  j^leasant  prospect 
beyond  the  grave.'''' 

Pulpit  Foolery 
The  Rev.  Hamilton  Paul,  a  Scotch  clergyman,  is 
said  to  have  been  a  reviver  of  Dean  Swift's  walk  of 
wit  in  choice  of  texts.  For  example,  when  he  left  the 
town  of  Ayr,  where  he  was  understood  to  have  been  a 
great  favorite  with  the  fair  sex,  he  preached  his  vale- 
dictory sermon  from  this  passage,  "  And  they  all  ff;ll 
upon  Paul's  neck  and  kissed  him."  Another  time, 
when  he  was  called  on  to  preach  before  a  military 
company  in  green  uniforms,  he  preached  from  the 
words,  "  And  I  beheld  men  like  trees  walking."  Paul 
was  always  ready  to  have  a  gibe  at  the  damsels. 
Near  Portobello,  there  is  a  sea-bathing  place  named 
Joppa,  and  Paul's  congregation  was  once  thinned  by 
the  number  of  his  female  votaries  who  went  thither. 
On  the  Sabbath  after  their  wending  he  preached  from 
the  text,  "Send  men  to  Jopi)a."  In  a  similar  manner 
he  improved  the  occasion  of  the  mysterious  disappear- 
ance of  one  of  his  parishioners,  Moses  Marshall,  by 
selecting  for  his  text  the  passage  from  Exodus  xxii, 
"  As  for  this  Moses,  we  wot  not  what  is  become  of 
him."  He  once  made  serious  proposals  to  a  young 
lady  whose  Christian  name  was  Lydia.  On  this  occa- 
sion the  clerical  wit  took  for  his  text  :  "  And  a  certain 
woman,  named  Lydia,  heard  us ;  whose  heart  the 
.Lord  opened,  that  she  attended  unto  the  things  which 
were  spoken  of  Paul."      [9] 


Scotcb  mit  auD  Ibumot  139 

A  Restful  Preacher 

Dean  Ramsay  relates  that  the  Earl  of  Lauderdale 
was  alarmingly  ill,  one  distressing  symptom  being  a 
total  absence  of  sleep,  without  which  the  medical  man 
declared  he  could  not  recover.  His  son,  who  was 
somewhat  simple,  was  seated  under  the  table,  and 
cried  out,  "  Sen'  for  that  preaching  man  frae  Living- 
stone, for  fayther  aye  sleeps  in  the  kirk."  One  of  the 
doctors  thought  the  hint  worth  attending  to,  and 
the  experiment  of  "  getting  a  minister  till  him  "  suc- 
ceeded, for  sleep  came  on  and  the  earl  recovered.    [7] 

Why  the  Bishops  Disliked  the  Bible 

A  Bishop  of  Dunkeld,  in  Scotland,  before  the 
Reformation,  thanked  God  that  he  never  knew  what 
the  Old  and  New  Testaments  were,  affirming  that  he 
cared  to  know  no  more  than  his  Fortius  and  Pontifical. 
At  a  diet  in  Germany,  one  Bishop  Albertus,  lighting 
by  chance  upon  a  Bible,  commenced  reading  ;  one  of 
his  colleagues  asked  him  what  book  it  was.  "  I  know 
not,"  was  the  reply,  "  but  this  I  find,  that  whatever  I 
read  in  it,  is  utterly  against  our  religion."      [9] 

The  Same  with  a  Difference 

A  young  wit  asked  a  man  who  rode  about  on  a 
wretched  horse  :  "Is  that  the  same  horse  you  had 
last  year?"  "  Na,"  said  the  man,  brandishing  his 
whip  in  the  interrogator's  face  in  so  emphatic  a  man- 
ner as  to  preclude  further  questioning;  "  na,  but 
it's  the  same  zc/iitfi."      [7] 

Official  Consolation  and  Callousness 
A  friend  has  told  me  of  a  characteristic  answer 
given  by  a  driver  to  a  traveler  who  complained  of  an 
inconvenience.  A  gentleman  sitting  opi^osite  my 
friend  in  the  stage-coach  at  Berwick,  complained  bit- 
terlj-  that  the  cushion  on  which  he  sat  was  quite  wet. 
On  looking  up  to  the  roof  he  saw  a  hole  through  which 
the  rain  descended  copiously,  and  at  once  accounted 
for  the  mischief.  He  called  for  the  coachman,  and  in 
great  wrath  reproached  him  with  the  evil  under  which 
he  suffered,  and  pointed  to  the  hole  wliich  was  the  cause 


140  Scotcb  matt  ano  iDumor 

of  it.  All  the  satisfaction,  liowever,  tliat  lie  ijot  was 
the  quiet  unmoved  reply,  "  Ay,  moiiy  a  ane  has  com- 
plained o'  that  hole."     [7] 

Objecting  to  Scotch  "  Tarmes  " 
In  early  times  a  Scotch  laird  had  much  difficulty 
(as  many  worthy  lairds  have  still)  in  meeting  the 
claims  of  those  two  woful  periods  of  the  year  called  in 
Scotland  the  "tarmes."  He  had  been  employing  for 
some  time,  as  workman,  a  stranger  from  the  south, 
on  some  house  repairs.  The  workman  rejoiced  in  the 
not  uncommon  name  in  England  of  "  Christmas." 
The  laird's  servant,  early  one  morning,  called  out  at 
his  bedroom  door,  in  great  excitement,  that  "  Christ- 
mas had  run  away,  and  nobody  knew  where  he  had 
gone."  He  turned  in  his  bed  with  the  earnest  ejacu- 
lation, "  I  only  wish  he  had  taken  Whitsunday  and 
Martinmas  along  with  him." 

A  Patient  Lady 

The  Rev.  John  Brown,  of  Haddington,  the  well-known 
author  of  the  "  Self-Interpreting  Bible,"  was  a  man  of 
singular  bashfulness.  In  proof  of  the  truth  of  this  state- 
ment I  need  only  state  that  his  courtship  lasted  seven 
years.  Six  years  and  a  half  had  jjassed  away,  and 
the  reverend  gentleman  had  got  no  further  than  he 
had  been  the  first  six  days.  This  state  of  things 
became  intolerable,  a  step  in  advance  must  be  made, 
and  Mr.  Brown  summoned  all  his  courage  for  the  deed. 
"Janet,"  said  he  one  day,  as  they  sat  in  solemn 
silence,  "  we've  been  acquaitUed  now  six  years  an' 
niair,  and  I've  ne'er  gotten  a  kiss  yet.  D'ye  think  I 
might  take  one,  my  bonny  lass  ?  "  "  Just  as  you  like, 
John  ;  only  be  becoming  and  proper  wi'  it."  "  Surely, 
Janet ;  we'll  ask  a  blessing."  The  blessing  was 
asked,  the  kiss  was  taken,  ami  the  worthy  divine,  per- 
fectly ()veri)owered  with  the  blissful  sensation,  most 
rapturously  exclaimed,  "  Heigh  !  lass,  but  it  is  glide. 
We'll  return  thanks."  Six  months  after,  the  pious 
pair  were  made  one  flesh,  and,  added  his  descendant, 
who  "  humorously  told  the  tale,  "  a  happier  couple 
never  spent  a  l<,)ng  and  useful  life  together."      [9] 


Scotcb  "Mit  anD  Ibumor  141 

Curious  Pulpit  Notice 

John  Brown,  Burgher  minister  at  Whitburn  (son  of 
the  commentator,  and  father  of  the  late  Rev.  Dr. 
John  Brown,  of  Edinburgh,  and  grandfather  of  the 
accomplished  M.  D.  of  the  same  name),  in  the  early- 
part  of  the  century  was  traveling  on  a  small  sheltie 
(a  Shetland  pony)  to  attend  the  summer  sacrament  at 
Haddington.  Between  Musselburgh  and  Tranent  he 
overtook  one  of  his  own  people. 

"  What  are  ye  daein'  here,  Janet,  and  whaur  ye 
gaun  in  this  warm  weather?  " 

"  '  Deed,  sir,"  quoth  Janet,  "  I'm  gaun  to  Hadding- 
ton for  the  occasion  (the  Lord's  Supper),  an'  expeck 
to  hear  ye  preach  this  afternoon." 

"Very  weel,  Janet,  but  whaur  ye  gaun  to  sleep?" 

"  I  dinna  ken,  sir,  but  providence  is  aj'^e  kind,  an'll 
provide  a  bed." 

On  Mr.  Brown  jogged,  but  kindly  thought  of  his 
humble  follower  ;  accordingly,  after  service  in  the 
afternoon,  before  pronouncing  the  blessing,  he  said 
from  the  pulpit,  "  Whaur's  the  auld  wife  that  followed 
me  frae  Whitburn  ?  " 

"  Here  I'm,  sir,"  uttered  a  shrill  voice  from  a  back 
seat. 

"Aweel,"  said  Mr.  Brown;  "I  have  faud  ye  a 
bed;  j'e're  to  sleep  wi'  Johnnie  Fife's  lass." 

"  Wishes  Never  Filled  the  Bag  " 

There  are  always  pointed  anecdotes  against  houses 
wanting  in  a  liberal  and  hospitable  expenditure  in 
Scotland.  Thus,  we  have  heard  of  a  master  leaving 
such  a  mansion,  and  taxing  his  servant  with  being 
drunk,  which  he  had  too  often  been  after  country 
visits.  On  this  occasion,  however,  he  was  innocent 
of  the  charge,  for  he  had  not  the  opportunity  to 
transgress.  So,  when  his  master  asserted,  "  Jemmy, 
you  are  drunk!"  Jemmy  very  quietly  answered, 
"  Indeed,  sir,  I  wish  I  wur." 

Not  Used  to  It 

On  one  occasion  an  eccentric  Scotchman,  having 
business  with  the  late  Duke  of  Hamilton  at  Hamilton 


142  Scotcb  imit  aiiD  Ibumor 

Palace,  the  Duke  politely  asked  him  to  lunch.  A 
liveried  servant  waited  upon  them,  and  was  most 
assiduous  in  his  attentions  to  the  duke  and  his  guest. 
At  last  our  eccentric  friend  lost  i)atience,  and  looking 
at  the  servant,  addressed  him  thus  :  "  What  the  deil 
for  are  ye  dance,  dance,  dancing  about  the  room  that 
gait;  can  ye  no' draw  in  j-our  chair  and  sit  down? 
I'm  sure  there's //ev/Zi'  uit  llic  table  for  tlwcc.'^     [7] 

"  Effectual  Calling" 

Maitland,  the  Jacobite  historian  of  Edinburgh, 
relates  with  infinite  zest  the  following  anecdote  of  the 
Rev.  Robert  Bruce,  the  zealous  Presbyterian  minister 
•who  boldly  bearded  King  James  I  :  "  15S9,  August 
15. —  Robert  Bruce,  one  of  the  four  ministers  of  Edin- 
burgh, threatening  to  leave  the  town  "  (the  reason 
from  what  follows,  may  be  easily  guessed  at),  "great 
endeavors  were  used  to  prevent  his  going;  but  none, 
it  seems,  so  prevalent  as  that  of  the  increase  of  his 
stipend  to  one  thousand  merks,  which  the  good  man 
was  graciously  pleased  to  accept,  though  it  only 
amounted  to  one  hundred  and  forty  merks  more  than 
all  the  stipends  of  the  other  three  ministers." 

Motive  for  Church-Going 

An  old  man,  \\\w  for  years  walked  every  Sunday 
from  Newhaven  to  Edinburgh  to  attend  the  late  Dr. 
Jones'  church,  was  one  day  complimented  by  that 
venerable  clergyman  for  the  regularity  of  his  appear- 
ance in  church.  The  old  man  unconsciously  evinced 
how  little  he  deserved  the  compliment  by  this  reply  : 
"  '  Deed,  sir,  its  very  true  ;  but  I  like  to  hear  the 
jingling  o'  the  bells  and  see  a'  the  braw  folk."     [9] 

"Grace"  with  No  Meat  After 

A  little  girl  of  eight  years  of  age  was  taken  by  her 
.grandmother  to  church.  The  parish  minister  was 
not  only  a  long  preacher,  but,  as  the  custom  was, 
delivered  two  sermons  on  the  Sabbath  day  without 
any  interval,  and  thus  save  the  parishioners  the  two 
journeys  to  church.  Elizabetii  was  sufificiently 
v.'earied   before  the  close  of   tiie  first  discourse  ;   but 


Scotcb  TiUit  auD  Ibumor  143 

v'hen,  after  singing  and  prayer,  the  good  minister 
opened  the  Bible,  read  a  second  text,  and  prepared  to 
give  a  second  sermon,  the  young  girl  being  both  tired 
and  hungry,  lost  all  patience,  and  cried  out  to  her 
gi"andmother,  to  the  no  small  amusement  of  those 
who  were  so  near  as  to  hear  her,  "  Come  awa'. 
Granny,  and  gang  home ;  this  is  a  lang  grace,  and 
nae  meat."      [7] 

"  No  Better  than  Pharaoh  " 
In  a  town  of  one  of  the  central  counties  a  Mr. 
J carried  on,  about  a  century  ago,  a  very  exten- 
sive business  in  the  linen  manufacture.  Although 
strikes  were  then  unknown  among  the  laboring  classes, 
the  spirit  from  which  these  take  their  rise  has   no 

doubt  at  all  times  existed.     Among  Mr.  J 's  many 

workmen,  one  had  given  him  constant  annoyance  for 
jijars,  from  his  argumentative  spirit.  Insisting  one 
diy  on  getting  something  or  other  which  his  master 
thought  most  unreasonable,  and  refused  to  give  in  to, 
hi  at  last  submitted,  with  a  bad  grace,  saying,  "  You're 
nae  better  than  Pharaoh,  sir,  forcin'  puir  folks  to 
niak'  bricks  without  straw."  "Well,  Saunders," 
quietly  rejoined  his  master,  "  if  I'm  nae  better  than 
Pharaoh,  in  one  respect,  I'll  be  better  in  another,  for 
Til  no'  hinder  ye  going  to  the  wilderness  whenever 
ys.t  choose.''' 

Not  One  of  "  The  Establishment " 

At  an  hotel  in  Glasgow,  a  gentleman,  finding  that 
the  person  who  acted  as  a  waiter  could  not  give  him 
certain  information  which  he  wanted,  put  the  ques- 
tion, "Do  j'ou  belong  to  the  establishment?"  to 
which  James  replied,  "  No,  sir  ;  I  belong  to  the  Free 
Kirk." 

A  Board-School   Examiner  Floored 

The  parish  minister  in  a  town  not  a  hundred  miles 
from  Dumfermline,  Fifeshire,  was  recently  going  his 
round  of  all  the  board  schools  in  the  course  of  sys- 
tematic examination.  The  day  was  warm,  and  the 
minister,  feeling  exhausted  on  reaching  the  school, 
took    a   seat    for   a    few  minutes  to    cool    down    and 


144  Scotch  XUit  anD  llnimor 

recover  liis  breath  ;  but  even  wliile  doing  so  lie 
thought  lie  might  as  well  utilize  the  time  in  a  con- 
genial sort  of  waj",  being  naturally  a  bit  of  a  wag. 
So  he  addressed  the  boj's  thus :  "  Well,  lads,  can  any 
of  you  tell  me  why  black  sheep  eat  less  than  white 
sheep  ?  " 

There  was  no  answer  to  this  question,  and  the 
minister,  after  telling  them  it  was  because  there 
were  fewer  of  them,  with  pretended  severity  said  he 
was  sorry  to  see  them  in  such  a  state  of  ignorance  as 
not  to  be  able  to  answer  such  a  simple  question,  but 
he  would  give  them  another. 

"Can  any  of  you  lads  tell  me  what  bishoj)  of  the 
Church  of  England  has  the  largest  hat?" 

Here  the  children  were  again  cornered  for  a 
solution. 

"  What  !  don't  you  know,"  said  the  minister, 
"  that  the  bislioj)  with  the  largest  hat  is  the  bishop 
with  the  largest  head  ?  But  seeing  I  have  been 
giving  you  some  puzzling  questions,  I  will  now 
allow  you  to  have  your  turn  and  put  some  questions 
to  me,  to  see  if  I  can  answer  them." 

Silence  fell  upon  the  whole  school.  No  one  was 
apparently  bold  enough  to  tackle  the  minister.  At 
length,  from  the  far  corner  of  the  room,  a  little  chap 
of  about  seven  years  got  to  his  feet,  and  with  an 
audacity  that  actually  appalled  the  master,  cried  out 
in  a  loud,  shrill,  piping  voice,  with  the  utmost  saug- 
froid  : 

"Can  you  tell  me  why  millers  wear  white  caps?" 

The  minister  was  perfectly  astounded,  and  for  the 
life  of  him  could  find  no  solution  of  the  problem. 

He  began  to  feel  somewhat  uncomfortable,  while 
the  master  frowned  with  awful  threatening  in  his 
glance  at  the  undaunted  young  culprit,  who  stood 
calmly  waiting  a  reply  to  his  poser. 

"  No,  my  boy,"  said  the  minister  at  length  ;  "  I 
cannot  tell  why  millers  wear  white  cajjs.  What  is 
the  reason  ?  " 

"Weel,  sir,"  replied  the  young  shaver,  "millers 
wear  white  caps  just  to  cover  their  heads." 

It  is   needless  to   remark   that  the   roar  which  fol- 


Scotcb  "CClit  anO  Ibumor  145 

lowed  rather  disconcerted  the  minister,  and  he  had 
some  difficulty  afterwards  in  proceeding  with  his 
official  examination. 

Keeping  His  Threat — at  His  Own  Expense 

An  examiner  at  the  Edinl)urgh  University  had  made 
himself  obnoxious  by  warning  the  students  against 
putting  hats  on  the  desk.  The  university  in  the 
Scottish  capital  is  (or  was)  remarkable  for  a  scarcity 
of  cloak  rooms,  and  in  the  excitement  of  examination 
hats  are,  or  used  to  be,  flung  down  anywhere.  The 
examiner  announced  one  day  that  if  he  found  another 
hat  on  his  desk  he  would  "  rip  it  up." 

The  next  day  no  hats  were  laid  there  when  the 
students  assembled.  Presently,  however,  the  examiner 
was  called  out  of  the  room.  Then  some  naughty 
undergraduate  slipped  from  his  seat,  got  the  exami- 
ner's hat,  and  ]>laced  it  on  the  desk.  When  the 
examiner  re-entered  the  hall  every  eye  was  fixed 
upon  him.  He  observed  the  hat,  and  a  gleam  of 
triumph  shot  across  his  face. 

"  Gentlemen,"  he  continued,  "  I  told  you  what 
would  happen  if  this  occurred  again." 

Then  he  took  his  penknife  from  his  pocket,  opened 
it,  and  blandly  cut  the  hat  in  pieces  amidst  prolonged 
applause. 

New  Style  of  Riding  in  a  Funeral  Procession 

The  following  anecdote  is  an  amusing  illustration 
of  the  working  of  a  defective  brain,  in  a  half-witted 
carle,  who  used  to  range  the  county  of  Galloway, 
armed  with  a  huge  pike-staff,  and  who  one  day  met  a 
funeral  procession  a  few  miles  from  Wigtown. 

A  long  train  of  carriages,  and  farmers  on  horseback, 
suggested  the  propriety  of  his  bestriding  his  staff,  and 
following  after  the  funeral.  The  procession  marched 
at  a  brisk  pace,  and  on  reaching  the  kirkyard  stile, 
as  each  rider  dismounted,  "  Daft  Jock  "  descended 
from  his  wooden  steed,  besnie  ired  with  mire  and  per- 
spiration, exclaiming,  "  Heck,  sirs,  had  it  no'  been 
for  the  fashion  o'  the  thing,  I  micht  as  well  hae  been 
on  my  ain  feet."      [7] 

10 


146  Scotcb  lUit  anD  Ibumor 

Absence  of  Humor — Illustrated 

Few  amusements  in  the  world  are  funnier  than  the 
play  of  different  ideas  under  similar  sounds,  and  it 
would  be  hard  to  find  a  thing  more  universally  under- 
stood and  caught  at  than  a  pun  ;  but  there  really  are 
individuals  so  made  that  a  word  can  mean  but  one 
thing  to  them,  and  even  metaphors  must  go  on  all- 
fours.  Lord  Morpeth  used  to  tell  of  a  Scotch  friend  of 
his  who,  to  the  remark  that  some  people  could  not 
feel  a  jest  unless  it  was  fired  at  them  with  a  cannon, 
replied  :  "Weel,  but  how  can  ye  fire  a  jest  out  of  a 
cannon,  man  ?  " 

The  Best  Time  to  Quarrel 

In  Lanarkshire,  there  lived  a  sma'  laird  named 
Hamilton,  who  was  noted  for  his  eccentricity.  On 
one  occasion,  a  neighbor  waited  on  him,  ai.d  requested 
his  name  as  an  accommodation  to  a  bill  for  twenty 
pounds  at  three  months  date,  which  led  to  the  follow- 
ing characteristic  and  truly  Scottish  colloquy  : 

"  Na,  na,  I  canna  do  that." 

"  What  for  no',  laird  ?  Ye  hae  dune  the  same  thing 
for  ithers." 

"  Ay,  ay,  Tammas,  but  there's  wheels  within  wheels 
ye  ken  naething  about ;  I  canna  do't." 

"  It's  a  sma'  affair  to  refuse  me,  laird." 

"  Weel,  ye  see,  Tammas,  if  I  was  to  pit  my  name 
till't  ye  wad  get  the  siller  frae  the  bank,  and  when 
the  time  came  round,  ye  wadna  be  readj',  and  I  wad 
hae  to  pay't ;  sae  then  you  and  me  wad  quarrel  ;  sae 
we  mae  just  as  weel  quarrel  the  noo,  as  lang's  the 
siller's  in  ma  pouch." 

The  Horse  That  Kept  His  Promise 
A  laird  sold  a  horse  to  an  Englishman,  saying, 
"  You  buy  him  as  you  see  him;  but  he's  an  honest 
beast y  The  purchaser  took  him  home.  In  a  few 
days  he  stumbled  and  fell,  to  the  damage  of  his  own 
knees  and  his  rider's  head.  On  this  the  angry  pur- 
chaser remonstrated  with  the  laird,  whose  reply  was, 
"  Weel,  sir,  I  told  j'e  he  was  an  honest  beast  ;  many  a 
time  has  he  threatened  to  come  down  with  me,  and  I 
kenned  he  would  keep  his  word  some  day." 


Scotcb  Mit  anO  Ibumor  147 

A  "  Grand  "  Piano 

At  Glasgow,  in  a  private  house,  Dr.  Von  Billow, 
having  been  asked  by  his  hostess  what  he  thought  of 
her  piano,  replied  in  these  words  :  "  Madam,  your 
piano  leaves  something  to  be  desired.  It  needs  new 
strings,"  he  added,  in  answer  to  the  lady's  inquiries 
as  to  what  it  really  required.  "  The  hammers,  too, 
want  new  leather,"  he  continued  ;  "  and,  while  you 
are  about  it,  with  the  new  leather,  you  may  as  well 
have  new  wood.  Then,  when  the  inside  of  your 
piano  has  been  completely  renovated,"  he  concluded, 
having  now  worked  himself  into  a  rage,  "call  in  two 
strong  men,  throw  it  out  of  the  window,  and  burn  it 
in  the  street." 

Scottish  Patriotism 
It  is  more  common  in  Scotland  than  in  England  to 
find  national  feeling  breaking  out  in  national  humor 
upon  great  events  connected  with  national  hisloty. 
The  following  is  perhaps  as  good  as  anj- :  The  Rev. 
Robert  Scott,  a  Scotchman,  who  forgot  not  Scotland 
in  his  southern  vicarage,  tells  me  that  at  Inverary, 
some  thirty  years  ago,  he  could  not  help  overhearing 
the  conversation  of  some  Lowland  cattle-dealers  in 
the  public  room  in  which  he  was.  The  subject  of 
the  bravery  of  our  navy  being  started,  one  of  the 
interlocutors  e.xpressed  his  surprise  that  Nelson 
should  have  issued  his  signal  at  Trafalgar  in  the 
terms,  "  England  expects,^''  etc.  He  was  met  with 
the  answer  (which  seemed  highly  satisfactory  to  the 
rest),  "Ay,  Nelson  only  said  'expects''  of  the 
English  ;  he  said  nothing  of  Scotland,  for  he  kent  the 
Scotch  would  do  theirs." 

"  Purpose  " —  not  "  Performance  " —  Heaven's 
Standard 

The  following  occurred  between  a  laird  and  an 
elder  :  A  certain  laird  in  Fife,  well  known  for  his  parsi- 
monious habits,  whilst  his  substance  largely  increased 
did  not  increase  his  liberality,  and  his  weekly  contri- 
bution to  the  church  collection  never  exceeded  the 
sum  of  one  penny.     One  day,  however,  by  mistake  he 


148  Scotcb  XUit  anD  Ibumor 

dropped  into  the  plate  at  the  door  a  five-shilling  piece, 
but  discovering  his  error  before  he  was  seated  in  his 
pew,  hurried  back,  and  was  about  to  replace  the  crown 
by  his  customary  penny,  when  the  elder  in  attendance 
cried  out,  "  Stop,  laird  ;  ye  may  put  in  what  ye  like, 
but  ye  maun  tak'  naething  out  /  '  The  laird,  finding 
his  explanations  went  for  nothing,  at  last  said,  "  Aweel, 
I  suppose  I'll  get  credit  for  it  in  heaven."  "  Na,  na, 
laird,"  said  the  elder,  "  ye'Il  only  get  credit  for  a 
penny." 

The  Book  Worms 
Robert  Burns  once  met  with  a  copy  of  Shakespeare 
in  a  nobleman's  library,  the  te.xt  of  which  had  been 
neglected  and  had  become  worm-eaten.  It  was  beau- 
tifully bound.  Burns  at  once  wrote  the  following 
lines  : 

Through  and  through  the  inspired  leaves, 
Ye  maggots,  make  your  windings  ; 

But  oh  !  respect  his  lordship's  tastes. 
And  spare  his  golden  bindings.     [2] 

•'  Uncertainty  of  Life  "  from  Two  Good  Points 
of  View 

"  Ah,  sir,"  said  a  gloomy-looking  minister  of  the 
Scotch  Kirk,  addressing  a  stranger  who  was  standing 
on  the  bridge  of  the  Lord  0/  the  Isles,  as  she  steamed 
through  the  Kyles  of  Bute,  "does  the  thought  ever 
occur  to  ye  of  the  great  oncertainty  of  life  ?  " 

"  Indeed  it  does,"  returned  the  stranger,  briskly, 
"  many  times  a  day." 

"And  have  you  ever  reflected,  sir,"  went  on  the 
minister,  "that  we  may  be  launched  into  eternity  at 
any  instant?  " 

"Yes,"  returned  the  stranger,  "I  have  thought  of 
that,  and  said  it,  too,  thousands  of  times." 

"  Indeed,"  ejaculated  the  parson  ;  "  then  it  is  possi- 
ble I  am  speaking  to  a  brother  meenister?" 

"Well,  no,"  answered  the  other  promptly,  "you 
are  not.  If  you  nuist  know,  I  am  traveling  agent  of 
the  Royal  Lynx  Life  Assurance  Association  ;  and,  if 
you  arc  not  assured,  I  can  strongly  recommend  you  to 


Scotcb  imit  auD  IFJumor  149 

give  our  office  :\  turn.  Vou  will  find  sjiecial  terms 
for  ministers  in  Table  K  of  our  ])rospectus  "  ;  and 
handing;  the  astonished  divine  a  printed  leaflet  froni 
his  satchel,  he  left  him  without  another  word. 

Providing  a  Mouthful  for  the  Cow 

Old  Maggie  Dee  had  fully  her  share  of  Scotch  pru- 
dence and  economy.  One  bonnet  had  served  her  turn 
for  upwards  of  a  dozen  years,  and  some  young  ladies 
who  lived  in  the  neighborhood,  in  offering  to  make 
and  present  her  with  a  new  one,  asked  whether  she 
would  prefer  silk  or  straw  as  material. 

"Weel,  my  lassies,"  said  Maggie,  after  mature 
deliberation,  "  since  ye  insist  on  giein'  me  a  bonnet, 
I  think  I'll  tak'  a  strae  ane ;  it  will,  maybe,  juist  be  a 
mou'fu'  to  the  coo  when  I'm  througli  wi't." 

A  Poor  Place  for  a  Cadger 

An  English  traveler  had  gone  on  a  fine  Highland 
road  so  long,  without  having  seen  an  indication  of 
fellow-travelers,  that  he  became  astonished  at  the 
solitude  of  the  country ;  and  no  doubt  before  the 
Highlands  were  so  much  frequented  as  they  are  in 
our  time,  the  roads  had  a  very  striking  aspect  of  soli- 
tariness. Our  traveler  at  last  coming  up  to  an  old 
man  breaking  stones,  he  asked  him  if  there  was  any 
traffic  on  this  road — was  it  at  all  frequented  ? 

"Ay,"  he  said,  "it's  no'  ill  at  that;  there  was  a 
cadger  body  yestreen,  and  there's  yoursell  the  day." 

The  Kirk  of  Lamington 

As  cauld  a  wind  as  ever  blew, 
A  caulder  kirk,  and  in't  but  few; 

As  cauld  a  minister's  e'er  spak', 

Ye'se  a'  be  het  ere  I  come  back.     [2] 

"  Lost  Labor" 

One  of  Dr.  Macknight's  parishioners,  a  humorous 
blacksmith,  who  thought  his  pastor's  writing  of  learned 
books  was  a  sad  waste  of  time,  being  asked  if  the 
doctor  was  at  home,  answered  :  "  Na,  na  ;  he's  awa 
to  Edinbro'  on  a  foolish  job." 


150  Scotcb  Wit  anD  Ibumor 

The  doctor  had  gone  off  to  the  jirhiter's  witli  his 
laborious  a-id  valuable  work,  "  Tiie  Harmony  of  the 
Four  Gospels."  On  being  further  asked  what  this 
useless  work  might  be  which  engaged  a  minister's 
time  and  attention,  the  blacksmith  replied:  "He's 
gane  to  mak'  four  men  agree  wha  never  cast  (fell) 
out." 

A  New  Story  Book— at  the  Time 

Sir  Walter  Scott  once  stated  that  he  kept  a  Low- 
land laird  waiting  for  him  in  the  library  at  Abbots- 
ford,  and  that  when  he  came  in  he  found  the  laird 
deep  in  a  book  which  Sir  Walter  perceived  to  be 
Johnson's  Dictionary. 

"Well,  Mr. ,"  said   Sir  Walter,   "how  do  you 

like  your  book  (  " 

"  They're  vera  pretty  stories,  Sir  Walter,"  replied 
the  laird,  "  but  they're  unco'  short." 

Will  Any  Gentleman  Oblige  "  a  Lady  "  ? 

In  a  tramwaj'  car  at  Glasgow,  one  wet  afternoon, 
a  woman  of  fifty — made  up  to  look  as  nearly  like 
twenty-five  as  possible — got  on  board  at  a  crossing,  to 
find  every  seat  occupied.  She  stood  for  a  moment, 
and  then  selecting  a  poorly  dressed  man  of  about 
forty  years  of  age,  she  observed  :  "  Are  there  no 
gentlemen  on  the  car?" 

"  I  dinna  ken,"  he  replied,  as  he  looked  up  and 
down.  "  If  there's  nane,  I'll  hunt  up  one  for  you  at 
the  end  of  the  line." 

There  was  an  embarrasing  silence  for  a  moment, 
and  then  a  light  broke  in  on  him  all  of  a  sudden,  and 
he  rose  and  said  :  "  But  ye  can  hae  this  seat :  I'm  aye 
wellin'  to  stan'  and  gi'e  my  seat  to  an  auid  bodie." 

That  decided  her.  She  gave  him  a  look  which 
he  will  not  forget  till  his  dying  day,  and  grasping  the 
strap  she  refused  to  sit  down,  even  when  five  seats 
had  become  vacant. 

Ham  and  Cheese 

On  one  occasion  the  late  Rev.  Walter  Dunlop,  of 
the  U.  P.  Church,  Dumfries,  after  a  hard  day's  labor, 
and   while    at   "  denner-tea,"    as    he    called    it,   kept 


Scotcb  TlUit  anCi  Ibumor  loi 

Incessantly  praising  the  "  liaam,"  and  stating  that 
"  Mrs.  Dunlop  at  hame  was  as  fond  o'  haam  like  that 
as  he  was,"  when  the  mistress  kindly  offered  to  send 
her  the  present  of  a  ham. 

"  It's  unco'  kin'  o'  ye,  unco'  kin' — but  I'll  no'  pit 
ye  to  the  trouble  ;  I'll  just  tak'  it  hame  on  the  horse 
afore  me." 

When,  on  leaving,  he  mounted,  and  the  ham  was 
put  into  the  sack,  some  difficulty  was  experienced  in 
getting  it  to  lie  properly.  His  inventive  genius  soon 
cut  the  Gordian-knot. 

"  I  think,  mistress,  a  cheese  in  the  ither  en'  would 
mak'  a  gran'  balance." 

The  hint  was  immediately  acted  on,  and,  like 
another  John  Gilpin,  he  moved  away  with  his 
"  balance  true."      [7] 

"  A  Reduction  on  a  Series  " 
When  the  son  of  a  certain  London  banker  had 
eloped  to  Scotland  with  a  great  heiress  whom  he 
married,  sHill  retaining  a  paternal  taste  for  parsimony, 
he  objected  to  the  demand  of  two  guineas  made  by 
the  "  priest  "  at  Gretna  Green,  stating  that  Captain 

had  reported  the  canonical  charge  to  be  only  five 

shillings.       "True,"    replied  Vulcan,   "but    Captain 

is  an  Irishman,  and  I've  married  him  five  times  ; 

so  I  consider  him  a  regular  customer ;  whereas,  I 
may  never  see  your  face  again." 

The    Selkirk    Grace* 

Some  hae  meat,  and  canna  eat. 
And  some  wad  eat  that  want  it  ; 

But  we  hae  meat  and  we  can  eat. 
And  sae  the  Lord  be  thankit.      [2] 

Inconsistencies  of  "  God's  People  " 

An  entertaining  anecdote,  illustrative  of  life  in  the 
Scotch  Highlands,  is  told  by  a  border  minister  who 
once  found  himself  a  guest  at  a  Presbytery  meeting. 

"  After  dinner,  though  there  was  no  wine,  there 
was  no  lack  of  whiskey.     Thts,  each  made  into  toddy, 

*  Said  by  Burns,  at  the  request  of  the  Earl  of  Selkirk. 


152  Scotcb  tllit  aiiD  Ibumor 

weak  or  strong,  just  as  he  liked  it.  No  set  speeches 
were  made  or  toasts  proposed.  After  each  had  drunk 
two  or  three  tumblers,  and  no  voice  was  heard  above 
the  hum  of  conversation,  the  stranger  got  to  his  feet, 
and  craving  the  leave  of  the  comjiany,  begged  to 
])ropose  a  toast.  All  were  silent,  until  the  moderator, 
with  solemn  voice,  UAd  him  that  Ciod's  peo])le  in  that 
part  of  the  country  were  ncjt  in  the  habit  of  drink- 
ing toasts.  He  felt  himself  rebuked,  yet  rejoined, 
that  he  had  been  in  a  good  many  places,  but  had 
never  before  seen  God's  people  drink  so  much 
toddy." 

Sending  Him  to  Sleep 

"  Sleepin,  Tonald  ?  "  said  a  Highlander  to  a  drowsy 
acquaintance,  whom  he  found  ruminating  on  the 
grass  in  a  horizontal  jDOsition. 

"  No,  Tuncan,"  was  the  ready  answer. 

"  Then,  Tonald,  would  you'll  no'  lend  me  ten  and 
twenty  shillings?"  was  the  next  question. 

"  Ough,  ough  !  "  was  the  response  with  a  heavy 
snore;  "  I'm  sleepin'  now,  Tuncan,  my  lad." 

How  convenient  it  would  be  if  we  could  always 
evade  troublesome  requests,  like  our  Highlander 
here,  by  feigning  ourselves  in  the  land  of  dreams  ! 

Wiser  Than  Solomon 

Two  Scotch  lairds  conversing,  one  said  to  the  other 
that  he  thouglit  they  were  wiser  than  Solomon. 
"  How's  that  ?  "  said  the  other.  "  Why,"  said  the 
first,  "  he  did  not  know  whether  his  son  might  not  be 
a  fool,  and  we  know  that  ours  are  sure  to  be." 

Modern  Improvements 

Sir  Alexander  Ramsay  had  lieen  constructing,  upon 
his  estate  in  Scotland,  a  i)iece  of  machinery,  which 
was  driven  by  a  stream  of  water  running  through  the 
home  farmyard.  Tiiere  was  a  threshing  machine,  a 
winnowing  machine,  a  circular  saw  for  splitting  trees, 
and  other  contrivances. 

Observing  an  old  man,  who  had  been  long  about 
the  place,  looking  very  attentively  at  all  that  was  going 
on.  Sir  Alexander  said  : 


Scotcb  Wit  auD  Ibuinoc  153 

"  Wonderful  things  peo]>le  can   do  now,  Robby  ?  " 
"Ay,   indeed,   Sir   Alexander,"  said    Robby;   "I'm 

thinking    that    if  Solomon    was    alive    now,    he'd    be 

thought  naething  o'  !  "      [7] 

Knox  and  Claverhouse 
The  shortest  chronicle  of  the  Reformation,  by 
Knox,  and  of  the  wars  of  Claverhouse  (Claver'se)  in 
Scotland,  which  we  know  of,  is  that  of  an  old  lady 
who,  in  speaking  of  those  troublous  times  remarked  : 
"  Scotland  had  a  sair  time  o't.  First  we  had  Knox 
deavin'us  wi'  his  clavers,  and  syne  we've  had 
Claver'se  deavin'  us  wi'  his  knocks." 

A  Scotch  Fair  Proclamation  of  Olden  Days 

"  Oh,  yes  !— an*  that's  e'etime.  Oh,  yes  !— an'  that's 
twa  times.  Oh,  yes  ! — an  that's  the  third  and  last  time. 
All  manner  of  jierson  or  jiersons  whatsover  let  'em 
draw  near,  an'  I  shall  let  'em  ken  that  there  is  a  fair 
to  be  held  at  the  muckle  town  of  Langholm,  for  the 
space  of  aught  days,  wherein  any  hustrin,  custrin, 
land-hopper  dub-shouper,  or  gent-the-gate-swinger, 
shall  breed  any  hurdam,  durdam,  rabble-ment,  babble- 
ment or  squabble-ment,  he  shall  have  his  lugs  tacked 
to  the  muckle  throne  with  a  nail  of  twa-a-penny.  until 
he's  down  on  his  bodshanks,  and  up  with  his  muckle 
doup,  and  pray  to  ha'en  nine  times,  '  God  bless  the 
King,'  and  thrice  the  muckle  Laird  of  Reltown,  pay- 
ing a  goat  to  me,  Jemmy  Ferguson,  baillieto  the  afore- 
said manor.  So  you've  heard  my  proclamation,  and 
I'll  gang  liame  to  my  dinner." 

"  Though  Lost  to  Sight — to  Memory  Dear  !  " 
Some  lime  ago  a  good  wife,  residing  in  the  neigh- 
borhood of  Perth,  went  to  town  to  purchase  some  little 
necessaries,  and  to  visit  several  of  her  old  acquaint- 
ances. In  the  course  of  her  peregrinations  she  had 
the  misfortune  to  lose  a  one-pound  note.  Returning 
home  with  a  saddened  heart  she  encountered  her 
husband,  employed  in  the  cottage  garden,  to  whom 
she  communicated  at  great  length  all  her  transactions 
in  town,  concluding  with  the  question  :  "  But  man  you 
canna  guess  what's  befaun  me?  " 


154  Scotcb  "wait  auD  Ibumoc 

"Deed,  I  canna  guess,"  said  the  husband,  resting 
musingly  on  his  spade. 

"  Aweel,"  rejoined  his  helpmate,  "I  hae  lost  a 
note  ;  but  dinna  be  angry — for  we  ought  to  be  mair 
than  thankfu'  that  we  had  ane  to  lose  !  " 

The  Philosophy  of  Battle  and  Victory 

During  the  long  French  war  two  old  ladies  in  Scot- 
land were  going  to  the  kirk.  The  one  said  to  the 
other  :  "  Was  it  no'  a  wonderful  thing  that  Breetish 
were  aye  victorious  in  battle?" 

"  Not  a  bit,"  said  the  other  lady;  "dinna  ye  ken 
the  Breetish  aye  say  their  prayers  before  gaun  into 
battle?" 

The  other  replied  :  "  But  canna  the  French  say 
their  prayers  as  weel  ?  " 

The  reply  was  most  characteristic.  "  Hoot  !  sic 
jabberin'  bodies  ;  wha  could  understand  them  if  thae 
did?" 

Patriotism  and  Economy 

When  Sir  John  Carr  was  at  Glasgow,  in  the  year 
1S07,  he  was  asked  by  the  magistrates  to  give  his 
advice  concerning  the  inscription  to  be  placed  on 
Nelson's  monument,  then  just  comjjleted.  The 
knight  recommended  this  brief  record  :  "  Glasgow  to 
Nelson." 

"  True,"  said  the  baillies,  "  and  as  there  is  the  town 
of  Nelson  near  us,  we  might  add,  '  Glasgow  to  Nelson 
nine  miles,'  so  that  the  column  might  serve  for  the 
milestone  and  a  monument." 

Husband!    Husband!    Cease  Your  Strife! 

"  Husband,  husljand,  cease  your  strife, 
Nor  longer  idly  rave,  sir  ! 
Tho'  I  am  your  wedded  wife. 
Yet,  I'm  not  your  slave,  sir  !  " 

"  One  of  hvo  ninsl  still  obey, 
Nancy,  Nancy  ; 
Is  it  man,  or  'woman,  say, 
My  spouse,  Nancy  f  " 


Scotcb  Mit  an&  Ibumoc  155 

"  If  'tis  still  the  lordly  word— 
'  Service  '  and  '  obedience,' 
I'll  desert  mysov'reign  lord, 
And  so,  good-by,  allegiance  !  " 

"  Sad  it'iU  I  be,  so  bereft, 
Nancy,  Nancy  ! 
Yet,  I  It  try  to  make  a  shift, 
3Ty  spouse,  Nancy." 

"  My  poor  heart,  then  break  it  must, 
My  last  hour,  I'm  near  it ; 
When  you  lay  me  in  the  dust, 
Think,  think  how  3'ou'll  bear  it." 

"  I  wilt  hope  and  trust  in  heaven, 
Na  ncy,  Na  n  cy  ; 
Strengtii  to  bear  it  zvill  be  giveji, 
My  spouse,  Nancy." 

"Well,  sir,  from  the  silent  dead 
Still  I'll  try  to  daunt  you. 
Ever  round  your  midnight  bed 
Horrid  sprites  shall  haunt  you." 

"  /'//  wed  another,  like  my  de.-vr 
N.\NCY,  Nancy  ; 
Then,  all  hell  it'ill  fly  for  fear 
J\[y  spouse,  Nancy.''     [2] 

A  Scathing  Scottish    Preacher  in  Finsbury  Park 

People  in  Finsbury  Park,  one  Sunday  in  August, 
1890,  were  much  edified  by  the  drily  humorous 
remarks  of  a  canny  Scotchman  who  was  holding  a 
religious  service.  The  "  eternal  feminine"  came  in 
for  severe  strictures,  this  man  from  auld  Reekie 
speaking  of  woman  as  "  a  calamity  on  two  legs."  He 
had  also  a  word  or  two  to  say  on  government  mean- 
ness, of  which  this  is  an  illustration.  An  old  friend 
of  his  who  had  been  through  Waterloo,  retired  from 
the  army  on  the  nmnificent  pension  of  iT,Vid.  per  day. 
When  he  died  th-i  government  claimed  his  wooden 
leg!     [3] 


166  Scotcb  TOIlit  anO  Ibumoc 

A  Saving  Clause 

A  Scotch  teetotal  society  has  been  formed  among 
farmers.  There  is  a  clause  in  one  of  the  rules 
that  permits  the  use  of  whiskey  at  sheep-dipping 
time.  One  worthy  member  keeps  a  sheep  which  he 
dips  every  daj'. 

The  Man  at  the  Wheel 

Dr.  Adam,  in  the  intervals  of  his  labors  as  rector  of 
the  High  School  of  Edinburgh,  was  accustomed  to 
spend  many  hours  in  the  shoj)  of  his  friend  Booge,  the 
famous  cutler,  sometimes  grinding  knives  and  scissors, 
at  other  times  driving  the  wheel.  One  day  two 
English  gentlemen,  attending  the  university,  called 
upon  Booge  (for  he  was  an  excellent  Greek  and  Latin 
scholar),  in  order  that  he  might  construe  for  them 
some  passage  in  Greek  which  they  could  not  under- 
stand. On  looking  at  it,  Booge  found  that  the  passage 
"  feckled  "  him;  but,  being  a  wag,  he  said  to  the 
students,  "  Oh,  it's  quite  simple.  My  laboring  man 
at  the  wheel  will  translate  it  for  you.  John  !  "  calling 
to  the  old  man,  "  come  here  a  moment,  will  you  ?  " 

The  apparent  laborer  came  forward,  when  Booge 
showed  him  the  passage  iii  Greek,  which  the  students 
wished  to  have  translated.  The  old  man  put  on  his 
spectacles,  examined  the  passage,  and  proceeded  to 
give  a  learned  exposition,  in  the  course  of  which  he 
cited  several  scholastic  authors  in  support  of  his  views 
as  to  its  proper  translation.  Having  done  so,  he 
returned  to  his  cutler's  wheel. 

Of  course  the  students  were  amazed  at  the  learning 
of  the  laboring  man.  They  said  they  had  heard  much 
of  the  erudition  of  the  Edinburgh  tradesmen,  but  what 
they  had  listened  to  was  beyond  anything  they  could 
have  imagined,     [i] 

Spiking  an  Old  Gun 

When  Mr.  Shirra  was  parish  minister  of  St.  Miriam's, 
one  of  the  members  of  the  church  was  John  Hender- 
son, or  Anderson — a  very  decent  douce  shoemaker — 
and  who  left  the  church  and  joined  the  Independents, 
who  had  a  meeting  in  Stirling.    Some  time  afterwards, 


Scotcb  xmit  anD  Ibumor  157 

when  Mr.  Shirra  met  John  on  the  road,  he  said,  "  And 
so,  John,  I  understand  you  have  become  an  Inde- 
pendent ?  " 

"  'Deed,  sir,"  replied  John,  "  that's  true." 
"  Oh,  John,"  said  the  minister,  "  I'm  sure  you  ken 
that  a  rovvin'  (rolling)  stane  gathers  nae  fog  "  (moss). 
"  Ay,"  said  John,  "  that's  true,  too  ;   but  can  ye  tell 
me  what  guid  the  fog  does  to  the  stane?  "     [7] 

Playing  at  Ghosts 

Some  boys  boarded  with  a  teacher  in  Scotland, 
whose  house  was  not  very  far  from  a  country  church- 
yard. They  determined  to  alarm  the  old  grave-digger, 
who  was  in  the  habit  of  reaching  his  cottage,  often 
late  at  night,  by  a  short  cut  through  the  burying- 
ground.  One  boy,  named  Warren,  who  was  espe- 
cially mischievous,  and  had  often  teased  old  Andrevy, 
dressed  himself  up  in  a  white  sheet,  and,  with  his 
companions,  hid  behind  the  graves. 

After  waiting  patiently,  but  not  without  some 
anxiety  and  fear,  for  Andrew,  he  was  at  last  seen 
approaching  the  memorial-stone  behind  which  Warren 
was  esconced.  Soon  a  number  of  low  moans  were 
heard  coming  from  among  the  graves. 

"  Ah,  keep  us  a'  !"  exclaimed  Andrew.     "What's 

that?"' 

And  as  he  approached  slowly  and  cautiously 
towards  the  tombstones,  a  white  figure  arose,  and  got 
taller  and  taller  before  his  eyes. 

"  What's  that  ?  "  asked  Andrew,  with  a  voice  which 
seemed  to  tremble  with  fear,  although,  if  anyone  had 
seen  how  he  grasped  his  stick,  he  would  not  have 
seen  his  hand  tremble. 

"It's  the  resurrection!"  exclaimed  the  irreverent 
Bullv  Warren. 

"  The  resurrection  !  "  replied  Andrew.    "  May  I  tak 
the  leeberty  o'  askin',"  he  continued  slowly,  approach- 
ing the  ghost,  "  if  it's  the  general  ane,  or  are  ye  jist 
takin'  a  quiet  daunder  by  yersel'  ?  " 

So  saying,  Andrew  rushed  at  the  ghost,  and  seiziiig 
it—while  a  number  of  smaller  ghosts  rose,  and  ran  in 
terror  to  the  schoolhouse— he  exclaimed,  "  Come  awa' 


158  Scotcb  XUlt  an&  Unimor 

■wi'  me  !  I  think  I  surely  hacna  buried  ye  deep 
eneuch,  when  ye  can  rise  so  easy.  But  I  hae  dug  a 
fine  deep  grave  this  morning,  and  I'll  put  ye  iu't,  and 
cover  ye  up  vvi'  sae  muckle  yirth,  that,  my  werd,  ye'll 
no'  get  out  for  another  daunder." 

So  saying,  Andrew,  by  way  of  carrying  out  his 
threats,  dragged  Master  Bully  Warren  towards  his 
newly-made  grave. 

The  boy's  horror  may  be  imagined,  as  Andrew  was 
too  powerful  to  permit  of  his  escape.  He  assailed  the 
old  man  with  agonized  petitions  for  mercy,  for  he  was 
a  great  coward. 

"  I'm  not  a  ghost !  Oh,  Andrew,  I'm  Peter  Warren  ! 
Andrew!  Don't  burry  me!  I'll  never  again  annoy 
you  !  Oh — o — o — o — o  !  " 

Andrew,  after  he  had  administered  what  he  consid- 
ered due  punishment,  let  Warren  off  with  the  admoni- 
tion :  "Never  daur  to  speak  o'  gude  things  in  yon 
way.  Never  play  at  ghaists  again,  or  leevin'  folk  like 
me  may  grup  you,  an'  niak'  a  ghaist  o'  ye.  Aff  wi  ye  !  " 

"Two  Blacks  Don't  Make  a  White" 

The  family  of  a  certain  Scotch  nobleman  liaving 
become  rather  irregular  in  their  attendance  at  church, 
the  fact  was  observed  and  commented  on  by  their 
neighbors.  A  lady,  anxious  to  defend  them  and  to 
prove  that  the  family  pew  was  not  so  often  vacant  as 
was  supposed,  said  that  his  lordship's  two  black  ser- 
vants were  there  every  Sunday.  "  Ay,"  said  a  gentle- 
man present,  but  two  blacks  don't  mak'  a  white," 

From  Pugilism  to  Pulpit 

Fuller  was  in  early  life,  when  a  farmer  lad  at  Soham, 
famous  as  a  boxer  ;  not  quarrelsome,  but  not  without 
"the  stern  delight"  a  man  of  strength  and  courage 
feels  in  his  exercise.  Dr.  Charles  Stewart,  of  Dun- 
earn,  whose  rare  gifts  and  graces  as  a  physician,  a 
divine,  a  scholar,  and  a  gentleman,  live  only  in  the 
memory  of  those  few  who  knew  and  survive  him,  liked 
to  tell  how  Mr.  Fuller  used  to  say,  that  when  he  was 
in  the  pulpit,  and  saw  a  buirdly  man  come  along  the 
passage,    he   would    instinctively    draw   himself    up. 


Scotcb  TlClit  anD  Ibumor  159 

measure  his  imaginary  antagonist,  and  forecast  how 
he  would  deal  with  him,  his  hands  meanwhile  con- 
densing into  fists,  and  tending  to  "square."  He 
must  have  been  a  hard  hitter  if  he  boxed  as  he 
preached — what  "  the  fancy  "  would  call  "  an  ugly 
customer."     [4] 

A  Consistent  Seceder 

A  worthy  old  seceder  used  to  ride  from  Gargren- 
nock  to  Bucklyvie  every  Sabbath  to  attend  the 
Burgher  Kirk.  One  day,  as  he  rode  past  the  parish 
kirk  of  Kippen,  the  elder  of  the  place  accosted  him, 
"  I'm  sure,  John,  it's  no'  like  the  thing  to  see  you 
ridin'  in  sic'  a  downpour  o'  rain  sae  far  by  to  thae 
seceders.  Ye  ken  the  mercifu'  man  is  mercifu'  to  his 
beast.     Could  ye  no  step  in  by?" 

"  Weel,"  said  John,  "  I  wadna  care  sae  muckle 
about  stablin'  my  beast  inside,  but  it's  anither  thing 
mysel'  gain'  in."      [7] 

"  No  Road    this  Way  !  " 

The  following  anecdote  is  told  regarding  the  late 
Lord  Dundrennan  :  "  A  half-silly  basket-woman  pas- 
sing down  his  avenue  at  Compstone  one  day,  he  met 
her,  and  said,  "  My  good  woman,  there's  no  road  this 
way." 

'•  Na,  sir,"  she  said,  "I  think  ye're  wrang  there; 
I  think  it's  a  most  beautifu'  road."      [7] 

Shakespeare — Nowhere  ! 

It  is  related,  as  characteristic  of  the  ardor  of 
Scottish  nationality,  that,  at  a  representation  of 
Home's  Douglas,  at  Glasgow  or  Edinburgh,  a  Scotch- 
man turned,  at  some  striking  passage  in  the  drama, 
and  said  to  a  Southron  at  his  elbow:  "Andwher's 
your  Wully  Shakespeare  noo?  " 

Steeple  or  People  ? 
Shortly  after  the  disruption  of  the   Free  Church  of 
Scotland  from  the  church  paid  by  the  State,  a  farmer 
going  to  church   met   another  going  in  the  opposite 
direction. 


ICO  Scotcb  unit  anD  Ibumot 

"  Whaur  are  ye  gaeii  ?  "  said  lie.  "To  the  Free 
Kirk?" 

"  Ou,  ay,  to  the  Free  Kirk,"  cried  the  other  in 
derision : 

"  The  Free  Kirk— 
The  wee  kirk — 
The  kirk  wi'out  the  steeple  !  '* 

"Ay,  ay,"  replied  the  first,  "an'  ye'll  be  gaen  till 
"  The  auld  kird— 
The  cauld  kirk — 
The  kirk  wi'out  the  people  !  " 

This  ended  the  colloquy  for  that  occasion. 

Hume  Canonized 

Hume's  house  in  Edinburgh  stood  at  the  corner  of 
a  new  street  which  had  not  yet  received  any  name. 
A  witty  young  lady,  a  daughter  of  Baron  Ord,  chalked 
on  the  wall  of  the  house  the  words,  "St.  David's 
Street."  Hume's  maid-servant  read  them,  and 
apprehensive  that  some  j(jke  was  intended  against 
her  master,  went  in  great  alarm  to  report  the  matter 
to  him.  "  Never  mind,  my  lass,"  said  the  philoso- 
pher ;  "  many  a  better  man  has  been  made  a  saint  of 
Ijefore." 

Two  Ways  of  Mending  Ways 
The  Rev.   Mr.    M ,  of    Bathgate,   came    up  to  a 

street  pavior  one  day,   and   addressed  him  :     "  Eh, 

John,  what's  this  you're  at  ?  " 

"  Oh  !   I'm  mending  the  ways  of  Bathgate  !  " 

"Ah,  John,  I've  long  been  tryin*  to  mend  the  ways 

o'  Bathgate,  an'  they're  no'  vveel  yet." 

"  Weel,  Mr.  M ,  if  you  had  tried  my  plan,  and 

come  doon  to  your  knees,  ye  wad  maybe  hae   come 

maar  speed  !  " 

The  Prophet's    Chamber 
A  Scotch  preacher,  being  sent  to  (officiate  one  Sun- 
day at  a  country  i)arish,  was  accomtnodated   at  night 
in  the  manse  in   a  very  diminutive   closet,  instead   of 
the  usual  best  bedroom  appropriated  to  strangers. 

"Is  this  the  bedroom?"  he  said,  starting  back  in 
amazement. 


Scotcb  "CQit  anD  Ibumor  lei 

"  'Deed,  ay,  sir  ;  this  is  the  prophet's  chamber." 
"  It   must  be  for  the  minor  prophets,  then,"  said 
the  discomfited  parson. 

Objecting  to  Long  Sermons 
A  minister  in  the  north  was  taking  to  task  one  of 
his  hearers  wlio  was  a  frequent  defaulter,  and  was 
reproaching  him  as  an  habitual  absentee  from  public 
worship.  The  accused  vindicated  himself  on  the  plea 
of  a  dislike  to  long  sermons. 

"  'Deed,  man,"  said  his  reverend  minister,  a  little 
nettled  at  the  insinuation  thrown  out  against  himself, 
"if  j-e  dinna  mend,  ye  may  land  yerself  where  j-e'll 
no'  be  troubled  wi'  monv  sermons,  either  lang  or 
short." 

"  Weel,  aiblins  sae,"  retorted  John,  "  but  it  mayna 
be  for  want  o'  ministers." 

A  Serious  Dog  and  for  a  Serious  Reason 

A  Highland  gamekeeper,  when  asked  why  a  cer- 
tain terrier,  of  singular  pluck,  was  so  much  more 
solemn  than  the  other  dogs,  said  :  "  Oh,  sir,  life's  full 
o'  sairiousness  to  him — he  first  can  never  get  enuff  o' 
fechtin'." 

A  Clever  "Turn" 

Lord  Elibank,  the  Scotch  peer,  was  told  that  Dr. 
Johnson,  in  his  dictionary,  had  defined  oats  to  be  food 
for  horses  in  England  and  for  men  in  Scotland.  "  Ay," 
said  his  lordship,  ■'  and  where  else  can  you  find  such 
horses  and  such  men  ?  " 

Entrace  Free,  and  "  Everything  Found  " 
A  member  of  the  Scottish  bar,  when  a  youth,  was 
somewhat  of  a  dandy,  and  was  still  more  remarkable 
for  the  shortness  of  his  temper.  One  day,  being  about 
to  pay  a  visit  to  the  country,  he  made  a  great  fuss  in 
packing  up  his  clothes  for  the  journey,  and  his  old 
aunt,  annoyed  at  the  bustle,  said  :  "  Whaur's  this 
you're  gaun,  Robby,  that  you  mak'  sic  a  grand  ware 
about  your  claes  ?  " 

The   young   man   lost   his   temper,    and    pettishly- 
replied,  "  I  am  going  to  the  devil." 
11 


102  Scotcb  "Oait  anJ)  Ibumot 

"  'Deed,  Robby,  then,"  was  the  quiet  answer,  "ye 
need  na  be  sae  nice,  for  he'll  just  tak'  ye  as  ye  are." 

Two  Questions  on  the  Fall  of  Man 

The  Rev.  Ralph  Krskine,  one  of  the  fathers  of  the 
secession  from  the  Kirk  of  Scotland,  on  a  certain  occa- 
sion paid  a  visit  to  his  venerable  brother,  Ebenezer, 
at  Abernethy. 

"Oh,  man!"  said  the  latter,  "but  ye  come  in  a 
gude  time.  I've  a  diet  of  examination  to-day,  and  ye 
maun  tak'  it,  as  I  have  matters  o'  life  and  death  to 
settle  at  Perth." 

"  With  all  my  heart,"  quoth  Ralph. 

"  Noo,  my  Billj',"  says  Ebenezer,  "  ye'll  find  a' 
my  folk  easy  to  examine  but  ane,  and  him  I  reckon 
ye  had  better  no'  meddle  wi'.  He  has  our  old- 
fashioned  Scotch  way  of  answering  a  question  by 
putting  another,  and  maybe  he'll  affront  ye." 

"  Affront  me  !  "  quoth  the  indignant  theologian  ; 
"  do  ye  think  he  can  foil  me  wi'  my  ain  natural  toils?" 

"  Aweel,"  says  his  brother,  "  I'se  gie  ye  fair  warn- 
ing, ye  had  better  no'  ca'  him  up." 

The  recusant  was  one  Walter  Simpson,  the  Vulcan 
of  the  parish.  Ralph,  indignant  at  the  bare  idea  of 
such  an  illiterate  clown  chopjiing  divinit\'  with  him, 
determined  to  pose  him  at  once  with  a  grand  leading 
unanswerable  question.  Accordingly,  after  putting 
some  questions  to  some  of  the  people  present,  he  all 
at  once,  with  a  loud  voice,  cried  out,  "  Walter 
Simpson  !  " 

"  Here,  sir,"  says  Walter,  "  are  ye  wanting  me  ?  " 

"  Attention,  sir  !  Now  W'alter,  can  you  tell  me  how 
long  Adam  stood  in  a  state  of  innocence?" 

"  Ay,  till  he  gt)t  a  wife,"  instantly  cried  the  black- 
smith. "  lUit,"  added  he,  "  can  yoii  tell  me  hoo  lang 
he  stood  after?  " 

"  Sit  doon,  Walter,"  said  the  discomfited  divine. 

The  Speech  of  a  Cannibal 

"  Poor-man-of-mutton  "  is  a  term  aiijilied  to  a 
shoulder-of-mutton  in  Scotland  after  it  has  been  served 


Scotcb  ma  an?  Ibumoc  103 

as  a  roast  at  dinner,  and  appears  as  a  broiled  bone  at 
supper,  or  at  the  dinner  next  day.     The  Scotch  Earl 

of  B ,  popularly  known    as   Old   Rag,  being  at  an 

hotel  in  London,  the  landlord  came  in  one  morning 
to  enumerate  the  good  things  in  the  larder.  "  Land- 
lord," said  the  Earl  of  B ,  "  I  think   I  co2t/d  eat  a 

morsel  of  poor  man."  This  strange  announcement, 
coupled  with  the  extreme  ugliness  of  his  lordship,  so 
terrified  Boniface  that  he  fled  from  the  room  and 
tumbled  down  the  stairs.  He  supposed  that  the  Earl, 
when  at  home,  was  in  the  habit  of  eating  a  joint  of  a 
vassal,  or  tenant,  when  his  appetite  was  dainty. 

Not  "  in  Chains  " 
■  A  Londoner  was  traveling  on  one  of  the  Clyde 
steamers,  and  as  it  was  passing  the  beautiful  town  of 
Largs,  then  little  larger  than  a  village,  and  unnoticed 
in  his  guide-book,  he  asked  a  Highland  countryman, 
a  fellow  passenger,  its  name. 

"  Oh,  that's  Largs,  sir." 

"  Is  it  incorporated  ?  " 

"  Chwat's  your  wull  ,sir  ?  " 

"  Is  it  incorporated  ?  " 

"  Chwat's  your  wull,  sir?  " 

"  Dear  me  !  Is  it  a  borough  ?  Has  it  magis- 
trates ?  " 

"  Oh,  yess,  sir.     Largs  has  a  provost  and  bailies." 

Anxious  to  have  the  question  of  incorporation 
settled,  and  aware  that  Scotch  civic  magistrates  are 
invested  with  golden  chains  of  office,  which  they 
usually  wear  round  their  necks,  our  London  friend 
put  his  next  question  thus  :  "  Do  the  magistrates  wear 
chains  ?  " 

The  countryman  very  indignantly  replied,  "  Na, 
na,  sir  ;  the  provost  and  bailies  o'  Largs  aye  gang 
loose." 

A  Piper's  Opinion  of  a  Lord— and  Himself 

"The  stately  step  of  a  piper"  is  a  proverb  in  Scot- 
land, which  reminds  us  of  an  anecdote  of  a  certain 
noble  lord,  when  in  attendance  upon  the  Queen  at 
Balmoral,  a  few  years  ago.     Having  been  commis- 


164  Scotch  XUit  anD  IDunior 

sioned  by  a  friend  to  procure  n  iierfornicr  on  the 
pipes — he  applied  to  her  majesty's  piper — a  fine  stal- 
wart Highlander;  and  on  being  asked  what  kind  of 
article  was  required,  his  lordship  said  in  reply,  "  Just 
such  another  as  yourself."  The  consequential  Celt 
readily  exclaimed  "  There's  plenty  o'  lords  like  your- 
self, but  very  few  sic  pipers  as  me." 

A  Modern  Dumb  Devil  (D.D.) 

Mr.  Dunlop  happened  one  day  to  be  present  in  a 
Church  Court  in  a  neighboring  presbytery.  A  Rev. 
Dr.  was  one  day  asked  to  jjray,  and  declined. 

On  the  meeting  adjourning,  Mr.  Dunlo|)  stepped  up 
to  the  doctor,  and  asked  how  he  did.  The  doctor 
never  having  been  introduced,  did  not  reply. 

Mr.  Dunlop  withdrew,  and  said  to  a  friend,  "  Eh  ! 
but  is'  na  he  a  queer  man,  that  doctor  ;  he'll  neither 
speak  to  God  nor  man  ?  " 

A  Curiously  Unfortunate  Coincidence  in  Psalm 
Singing 

In  the  parish  church  of  Fettercairn,  a  custom 
existed,  and  indeed  still  lingers  in  some  parts  of 
Scotland,  of  the  precentor  on  communion  Sabbath 
reading  out  each  single  line  of  the  psalm  before  it  was 
sung  by  the  congregation.  This  practice  gave  rise  to 
a  somewhat  unfortunate  introduction  of  a  line  from 
the  First  Psalm.  In  most  churches  in  Scotland  the 
communion  tables  are  placed  in  the  centre  of  the 
church.  After  sermon  and  prayer  the  seats  round 
these  tables  are  occvipied  by  the  communicants  while 
a  psalm  is  being  sung.  On  one  comnuinion  Sunday, 
the  i)recentor  observed  the  noble  family  of  Eglinton 
approaching  the  tables,  and  saw  that  they  were  likely 
to  be  kept  out  by  those  who  pressed  in  before  them. 
Being  very  zealous  for  their  accommodation,  he  called 
out  to  an  individual  whom  he  considered  to  be  the 
principal  obstacle  in  the  passage,  "  Come  back,  Jock, 
and  let  in  the  noble  family  of  Eglinton  "  ;  and  then, 
turning  again  to  his  psalm-book,  gave  out  the  line, 
"  Nor  stand  in  sinners'  way." 


Scotcb  "emit  an&  Ibumor  165 

Living  With  His  Unc;e 
A  little  boy  had  lived  some  time  with  a  penurious 
uncle,  who  took  good  care  that  the  child's  health 
should  not  be  injured  by  overfeeding.  The  uncle  was 
one  day  walking  out,  the  child  at  his  side,  when  a 
friend  accosted  him,  accompanied  by  a  greyhound. 
While  the  elders  were  talking,  the  little  fellow,  never 
having  seen  a  dog  so  slim  and  slight  in  texture, 
clasped  the  creature  round  the  neck  with  the  impas- 
sioned cry,  "  Oh,  doggie,  doggie,  and  did  ye  live  wi' 
your  uncle,  tae,  that  ye  are  so  thin  ?  "     [7] 

Pulpit  Familiarity 
A  pastor  of  a  small  congregation  of  Dissenters  in 
the  west  of  Scotland,  who,  in  prayer,  often  employed 
terms  of  familiarity  towards  the  great  Being  whom 
he  invoked,  was  addressing  his  petition  in  the  season 
of  an  apparently  doubtful  harvest,  that  He  would 
grant  such  weather  as  was  necessary  for  ripening  and 
gathering  in  the  fruits  of  the  ground  ;  when  suddenly, 
he  added,  "  But  what  need  I  talk  ?  When  I  was  up  at 
Shotts  the  other  day,  everything  was  as  green  as 
leeks." 

A  Churl  Congratulated 
Hume  went  to  a  newspaper  office,  and  laid  on  the 
counter  an  announcement  of  the  death  of  some  friend, 
together  with  five  shillings,  the  usual  price  of  such 
advertisements.  The  clerk,  who  had  a  very  rough 
manner,  demanded  seven  shillings  and  si.xpence,  the 
e.xtra  charge  being  for  the  words:  "he  was  univer- 
sally beloved  and  regretted."  Hume  paid  the  money, 
saying,  gravely,  "  Congratulate  yourself,  sir,  that  this 
is  an  expense  which  your  executors  will  never  be 
put  to." 

Touching  Each  Other's  Limitations 
There  once  lived  in  Cujjar  a  merchant  whose  store 
contained  supplies  of  every  character  and  description, 
so  that  he  was  commonly  known  by  the  sobriquet  of 
"  Robbie  A'  Thing."  One  day  a  minister  who  was 
well  known  for  making  a  free  use  of  his  notes  in  the 


166  Scotcb  XUit  anD  Tbumor 

pulpit,  called  at  the  store  asking  for  a  rope  and  pin  to 
tether  a  young  calf  in  the  gltbe. 

Robbie  at  once  informed  liiin  that  he  could  not 
furnish  such  articles  to  him. 

But  the  minister  being  somewhat  importunate,  said  : 
"  Oh  !  I  thought  you  were  named  '  Robbie  A'  Thing,' 
from  the  fact  that  you  keej)  all  kinds  of  goods." 

"  Weel,  a  vveel,"  said  Robl:)ie,  "  I  keep  a'  thing  in 
my  shop  but  calf's  tether-pins,  and  paper  sermons  for 
ministers  to  read." 

"  Having  the  Advantage  " 
The  Rev.  Mr.  Johnstone,  of  Monquhittcr,  a  very 
grandiloquent  pulpit  orator  in  iiis  day,  accosting  a 
traveling  piper,  well  known  in  the  district,  with  the 
question,  "Well,  John,  how  does  the  wind  pay?" 
received  from  John,  with  a  low  bow,  the  answer, 
"  Your  reverence  has  the  advantage  of  me."    [7] 

Giving  Them  the  Length  of  His  Tongue 

A  lawyer  in  an  Edinburgh  court  occupied  the  whole 
day  with  a  speech  which  was  anything  but  interesting 
to  his  auditors. 

Some  one,  who  had  left  the  court-room  and  returned 
again  after  the  interval  of  some  hours,  finding  the 
same  harangue  going  on,  said  to  Lord  Cockburn,  "  Is 
not  U taking  up  a  great  deal  of  time  ?  " 

"Time?"  said  Cockburn;  "he  has  long  ago 
exhausted  time,  and  encroached  upon  eternity." 

.Sectarian  Resemblances 

A  friend  of  mine  used  to  tell  a  story  of  an  honest 
builder's  views  of  ciuirch  differences,  which  was  very 
amusing  and  quaintly  professional.  An  English  gen- 
tleman who  had  arrived  in  a  Scottish  county  town, 
was  walking  aboui  to  examine  various  objects  which 
presented  themselves,  and  observed  two  rather  hand- 
some jjlaces  of  worship  \n  the  c(jurse  of  erection  nearly 
opposite  each  other.  He  addressed  a  person,  who 
happened  to  be  the  contractor  for  the  ciia])els,  and 
asked,  "  What  was  the  difference  between  these  two 


Scotcb  TlClit  anO  Ibumor  167 

places  of  worship  wliich  was  springing  up  so  close  to 
each  other  ?  ' '  meaning,  of  course,  tlie  difference  of  the 
theological  tenets  of  the  two  congregations. 

The  contractor,  who  thought  only  of  architectural 
differences,  innocently  replied,  "  There  may  be  a 
difference  of  sax  feet  in  length,  but  there's  no'  aboon 
a  few  inches  in  breadth." 

Would  that  all  religious  differences  could  be  brought 
within  so  narrow  a  compass.      [7] 

A  Process  of  Exhaustion 

A  Scotch  minister  was  asked  if  he  was  not  very 
much  e.xhausted  after  preaching  three  hours.  "Oh, 
no,"  he  replied  ;  "  but  it  would  have  done  you  good 
to  see  how  worried  the  people  were." 

A  Thoughtless  Wish 

A  landed  proprietor  in  the  small  county  of  Rutland 
became  very  intimate  with  the  Duke  of  Argyle,  to 
whom,  in  the  plenitude  of  his  friendship,  he  said  : 
"  How  I  wish  your  estate  were  in  my  county  !  "  Upon 
which  the  duke  replied,  "  I'm  thinking,  if  it  were, 
there  would  be  no  foont/o?- yours ^ 

Sunday  Thoughts  on  Recreation 

The  Rev.  Adam  Wadderstone,  minister  in  Bath- 
gate, was  an  excellent  man  and  as  excellent  a  curler, 
who  died  in  1780.  Late  one  Saturday  night  one  of 
his  elders  received  a  challenge  from  the  people  of 
Shotts  to  the  curlers  of  Bathgate  to  meet  them  early 
on  Monday  morning  ;  and  after  tossing  about  half  the 
night  at  a  loss  how  to  convey  the  pleasing  news  to 
the  minister,  he  determined  to  tell  him  before  he 
entered  the  pulpit. 

When  Mr.  Wadderstone  entered  the  session-house, 
the  elder  said  to  him  in  a  loud  tone,  "  Sir,  I've  some- 
thing to  tell  ye ;  there's  to  be  a  parish  play  with  the 
Shotts  folk  the  morn,  at " 

"  Whist,  man,  whist  !  "  was  the  rejoinder.  "  Oh,  fie, 
shame,  John  !  fie,  shame  !  Nae  speaking  to-day  about 
warldy  recreations." 

But  the  ruling  passion  proved  too  strong  for  the 


108  Scotcb  imit  anD  Ibiimor 

worthy  clergyman's  scruples  of  conscience,  for  just 
as  lie  was  aliout  to  enter  the  inner  door  of  the  church, 
he  suddenly  wheeled  round  and  returned  to  the 
elder,  who  was  now  standing  at  the  plate  in  the  lobby, 
and  whispered  in  his  ear,  "  But  whan's  the  hoor, 
John  ?     I'll  be  sure  and  be  there.     Let  us  sing, 

"  '  That  music  dear  to  a  curler's  ear, 
And  enjoyed  by  liim  alone — 
The  merry  chink  of  tlie  curling  rink. 
And  the  boom  of  the  roaring  stone.'  " 

Relieving  His  Wife's  Anxiety 

A  Scotchman  became  very  poor  by  sickness.  His 
refined  and  affectionate  wife  was  struggling  with  him 
for  the  support  of  their  children.  He  took  to  peddling 
with  a  one-horse  wagon,  as  a  business  that  would 
keep  him  in  the  open  air  and  not  tax  his  strength  too 
much.  One  day,  after  having  been  sick  at  home  for 
two  or  three  weeks,  he  started  out  with  his  cart  for  a 
ten-day's  trip,  leaving  his  wife  very  anxious  about 
him  on  account  of  his  weakness.  After  going  about 
fifteen  miles  his  horse  fell  down  and  died.  He  got  a 
farmer  to  hitch  his  horse  to  the  cart  and  bring  it 
home.  As  they  were  driving  into  the  yard  he  saw 
the  anxiety  depicted  on  his  wife's  countenance,  and 
being  tenderly  desirous  to  relieve  it,  he  cried  out, 
"  Maria,  its  not  me  that's  dead  ;  its  the  mare  !  " 

Radically  Rude 

Mr.  Burgon,  in  his  "  Life  of  Tyler,"  tells  the  fol- 
ovving  amusing  story  :  Captain  Basil  Hall  was  once 
traveling  in  an  old-fashioned  stage-coach,  when  he 
found  himself  opjiosite  to  a  good-humored,  jolly 
Dandy-Dinmount  looking  person,  with  whom  he 
entered  into  conversation,  and  found  him  most  intelli- 
gent. Dandie,  who  was  a  staunch  Loyalist,  as  well  as 
a  stout  yeoman,  seemed  ecjually  pleased  with  his 
companion. 

"  Troth,  sir,"  he  said,  "  I  am  well  content  to  meet 
one  wi'  whom  I  can  have  a  rational  conversation,  for 
I  have  been   fairly  put  out.     You  see,  sir,  a  Radical 


Scotcb  Mit  anD  Ibumor  169 

fellow  came  into  the  coach.  It  was  the  only  time  I 
ever  saw  a  Radical  ;  an'  he  begun  abusmg  everything;, 
saying  that  tliis  wasna  a  kintra  fit  to  live  in.  And 
-first  he  abused  the  king.  Sir,  I  stood  that.  And 
then  he  abused  the  constitution.  Sir,  I  stood  that. 
And  then  he  abused  the  farmers.  Well,  sir,  I  stood 
it  all.  But  then  he  took  to  abusing  the  yeomanry. 
Now,  sir,  you  ken  I  couldna  stand  that,  for  I  am  a 
j'eoman  mysel'  ;  so  I  was  under  the  necessity  of 
being  a  wee  bit  rude-like  till  him.  So  I  seized  him 
by  the  scruff  of  the  neck  :  '  Do  ye  see  that  window, 
sir?  Apologeeze,  apolon;eeze  this  very  minute,  or  I'll 
just  jiut  your  head  tnrough  the  window.'  \Vi'  that 
he  apologeezed.  'Now,  sir,'  I  said,  'you'll  gang  out 
o'  the  coach.'  And  wi'  that  I  opened  the  door,  and 
shot  him  out  intil  the  road  ;  and  that's  all  I  ever  saw 
o'  the  Radical." 

"Gathering  Up  the  Fragments" 

The  inveterate  snuff-taker,  like  the  dram-drinker, 
felt  severely  the  being  deprived  of  his  accustomed 
stimulant,  as  in  the  following  instance  :  A  severe 
snowstorm  in  the  Highlands  which  lasted  for  several 
weeks,  having  stopped  all  communications  betwi.xt 
neighboring  hamlets,  the  snuff-boxes  were  soon 
reduced  to  their  last  pinch.  Borrowing  and  begging 
from  all  the  neighbors  within  reach  were  first  resorted 
to,  but  when  these  failed  they  were  all  alike  reduced 
to  the  longing  which  unwillingly-abstinent  snuff-takers 
alone  know.  The  minister  of  the  parish  was  amongst 
the  unhappy  number,  the  craving  was  so  intense  that 
study  was  out  of  the  question,  and  he  became  quite 
restless.  As  a  last  resource,  the  beadle  was  dis- 
patched, through  the  snow,  to  a  neighboring  glen,  in 
the  hope  getting  a  supply ;  but  he  came  back  as 
unsuccessful  as  he  went. 

"  What's  to  be  dune,  John  ?  "  was  the  minister's 
pathetic  inquiry. 

John  shook  his  head,  as  nuich  as  to  say  that  he 
could  not  tell  ;  but  immediately  thereafter  started  up, 
as  if  a  new  idea  had  occured  to  him.  He  came  back 
in  a  few  minutes,  crying,  "  Hae  !  " 


170  Scotcb  van  anD  Ibumcr 

The  minister,  to  eager  to  be  scrutinizing,  took  a 
long,  deep  pinch,  and  then  said,  "  W'haur  did  j-ou 
get  it?" 

"I  soupit  (swept)  the  ponpit,"  was  John's  expres- 
sive reply. 

The  minister's  accumulated  superfluous  Sabbath 
snuff  now  came  into  good  use. 

Sleepy  Churchgoers 

The  bowls  of  rum  punch  which  so  remarkably 
characterized  the  Glasgow  dinners  of  last  century, 
nnd  the  early  part  of  the  i)resent,  it  is  to  be  feared, 
made  some  of  the  congregation  given  to  sonniolency 
on  the  Sundays  following.  The  members  of  the  town 
council  often  adopted  Saturdays  for  such  meetings  ; 
accordingly,  the  Rev.  Mr.  Thorn,  an  e,\cellent  clergy- 
man, took  occasion  to  mark  this  ])ropensity  with  some 
acerbity.  A  dog  had  been  very  troublesome,  when  the 
minister  at  last  gave  orders  to  the  beadle,  "  Take  out 
that  dog  ;   he'd  wauken  a  Glasgow  magistrate."      [7] 

A  Highland  Chief  and  His  Doctor 

Dr.  Gregory  (of  immortal  mixture  memory)  used 
to  tell  a  story  of  an  old  Highland  ciiieflain,  intended 
to  show  how  such  Celtic  potentates  were  once  held  to 
be  superior  to  all  the  usual  considerations  which 
affected  ordinary  mortals.  The  doctor,  after  due 
examination,  had,  in  his  usual  decided  and  blunt 
manner,  pronounced  the  liver  of  a  Highlander  to  be 
at  fault,  and  to  be  the  cause  of  his  ill-health.  His 
patient,  who  could  not  but  consider  this  as  taking  a 
great  liberty  with  a  Highland  chieftain,  roared  out, 
"  And  what  i)usiness  is  it  of  yours  whether  I  have  a 
liver  or  not  ?  " 

"  Rippets  "  and  Humility 

The  following  is  a  dry  Scottish  case  of  a  minister's 
wife  quietly  "  kaming  her  husband's  head."  Mr. 
Mair,  a  Scotcli  minister,  was  rather  short-tempered, 
and  had  a  wife  named  Rebecca,  whom,  for  brevity's 
sake,  he  addressed  as  Becky.      He  kept   a  diary  and 


Scotcb  XUit  anO  Ibumor  171 

among  other  entries  this  one  was  very  frequent^ 
*'  Becky  and  I  liad  a  rippet,  for  whicli  I  desire  to  be 
humble." 

A  gentleman  who  had  been  on  a  visit  to  the  minister 
went  to  Edinburgh,  and  told  the  story  to  a  minister 
and  his  wife  there,  when  the  lady  replied,  "  Weel, 
he  must  have  been  an  excellent  man,  Mr.  Mair.  My 
husband  and  I  some  times,  too,  have  '  rippets '  but 
catch  him  if  he's  ever  humble."      [7] 

"Kaming"  Her  Ain  Head 
The  late  good,  kind-hearted  Dr.  David  Dickson 
was  fond  of  telling  a  story  of  a  Scottish  termagant  of 
the  days  before  Kirk-session  discipline  had  passed 
away.  A  couple  were  brought  before  the  court,  and 
Janet,  the  wife,  was  charged  with  violent,  and  unduti- 
ful  conduct,  and  with  wounding  her  husband,  by 
throwing  a  three-legged  stool  at  his  head.  The  min- 
ister rebuked  her  conduct,  and  pointing  out  its 
grievous  character,  by  explaining  that  just  as  Christ 
was  head  of  his  Church,  so  the  husband  was  head  of 
the  wife  ;  and  therefore  in  assaulting  him,  she  had  in 
fact  injured  her  own  body. 

"  Weel,"  she  replied,  "  it's  come  to  a  fine  pass  gin 
a  wife  canna  kame  her  ain  head." 

"Aye,  but  Janet,"  rejoined  the  minister,  "  a  three- 
legged  stool  is  a  thief-like  bane-kame  to  scart  yer  ain 
head  wi'  !  " 

Splendid  Use  for  Bag-Pipes 
A  Scottish  piper  was  passing  through  a  deep  forest. 
In  the  evening  he  sat  down  to  take  his  supper.  He 
had  hardly  began  when  a  number  of  wolves,  prowling 
about  for  food,  collected  round  him.  In  self-defence, 
the  poor  man  began  to  throw  pieces  of  victuals  to 
them,  which  they  greedily  devoured.  When  he  had 
disposed  of  all,  in  a  fit  of  despair  he  took  his  pipes 
and  began  to  play.  The  unusual  sound  terrified  the 
wolves  so  much  that  they  scampered  off  in  every 
direction.  Observing  this,  Sandly  quietly  remarked  : 
"  Od,  an'  I'd  kenned  ye  liket  the  pipes  sae  weel,  I'd 
a  gi'en  ye  a  spring  afore  supper." 


172  Scotcb  mtt  anD  Ibumor 

Practical   Piety 

The  fo'.lowltig  story  was  told  hy  the  Rev.  William 
Ariiot  at  a  soiree  in  Sir  \V.  H.  Moiicrief  s  church 
some  years  ago. 

Dr.  Macleod  and  Dr.  Watson  were  in  the  West 
Highlands  together  on  a  tour,  ere  leaving  for  India. 
While  crossing  a  loch  in  a  boat,  in  company  with  a 
number  of  ])assengers,  a  storm  catne  on.  One  of  the 
passengers  was  heard  to  say  : 

"  The  twa  ministers  sliould  begin  to  pray,  or  we'll 
a'  be  drooned." 

"  Na,  na,"  said  a  boatman;  "the  little  ane  can 
pray,  if  he  likes,  but  the  big  ane  nmst  tak'  an 
oar!"     [lo] 

"  There  Maun  be  Some  Faut  " 
Old  Mr.  Dovvnie,  the  parish  minister  of  Banchory, 
was  noted  in  my  earliest  days  for  his  quiet  jiitliy 
remarks  on  men  and  things  as  they  came  before  him. 
His  reply  to  his  son,  of  whose  social  position  he  had 
no  very  e.xaulted  ojiinion,  was  of  this  class.  Young 
Downie  had  come  to  visit  his  father  from  the  West 
Indies,  and  told  him  that  on  his  return  he  was  to  be 
married  to  a  lady  whose  high  qualities  and  position 
he  spoke  of  in  extravagant  terms.  He  assured  his 
father  that  she  was  "  quite  young,  was  very  rich,  and 
very  beautiful." 

"  Avveel,  Jemmy,"  said  the  old  man,  very  quietly 
and  verv  slily,  "I'm  thinking  there  maun  be  some 
fautr     '[7] 

Deathbed  Humor 

The  late  Mr.  Constable  used  to  visit  an  old  lady 
who  was  much  attenuateti  by  long  illness,  and  on 
going  upstairs  one  tremendously  hot  afternoon,  the 
daughter  was  driving  the  flies  away,  saying  :  "  These 
flies  will  eat  up  a'  that  remains  o'  my  puir  mither." 
The  old  lady  opened  her  eyes,  ;ind  the  last  words  she 
spoke  were  :   "  What's  left's  good   eneuch    for   them." 

A  Matter-of-Fact  Death  Scene 

The  Scottish  jieople,  without  the  least  intention  or 
purpose     of     being     irreverent    or    unfeeling,     often 


Scctcb  lUit  anO  Ibumoc  173 

approach  the  awful  question  connected  witli  the 
funerals  of  friends  in  a  cool  matter-of-fact  manner.  A 
tenant  of  Mr.  George  Lyon,  of  Wester  Ogil,  when  on 
his  deatii-bed,  and  his  end  near  at  hand,  was  thus 
addressed  by  his  wife  :  "  Willie,  Willie,  as  lang  as  ye 
can  speak,  tell  us  are  ye  for  your  burial  baps  round 
or  square?^''  Willie,  having  responded  to  this  inquiry, 
was  next  asked  if  the  murners  were  to  have  glooves 
or  mittens — the  latter  having  only  a  thumb-piece  ; 
and  Willie,  having  answered,  was  allowed  to  depart 
in  peace. 

Acts  of  Parliament  "  Exhausted" 

A  junior  minister  having  to  assist  at  a  church  in  a 
remote  part  of  Aberdeenshire,  the  parochial  minister 
(one  of  the  old  school)  jiromised  his  young  friend  a 
good  glass  of  whiskey-toddy  after  all  was  over,  adding 
slily  and  very  significantly,  "  and  gude  smuggled 
whiskej*." 

His  southern  guest  thought  it  incumbent  to  say, 
"  Ah,  minister,  that's  wrong,  is  it  not?  You  know  it 
is  contrary  to  Act  of  Parliament." 

The  old  Aberdonian  could  not  so  easily  give  up  his 
fine  whiskey,  so  he  quietly  said  :  "  Oh,  Acts  of  Parlia- 
ment lose  their  breath  before  they  get  to  Aberdeen- 
shire." 

Concentrated  Caution 

The  most  cautious  answer  certainly  on  record  is 
that  of  the  Scotchman  who,  being  asked  if  he  could 
play  a  fiddle,  warily  answered  that  he  "  couldna  say, 
for  he  had  never  tried." 

A  "  Grave  "  Hint 

Mr.  Mearns,  of  Kincff  Manse,  gave  an  exquisitely 
characteristic  illustration  of  beadle  pt-o/essionalhahxts 
being  made  to  bear  upon  the  tender  passion.  A  cer- 
tain beadle  had  fancied  the  manse  house-maid,  but  at 
a  loss  for  an  opportunity  to  declare  himself,  one  day — 
a  Sunday — when  his  duties  were  ended,  he  looked 
sheepish,  and  said,  "  Mary,  wad  ye  tak'  a  turn, 
Mary?" 

He  led  her  to  the  churchyard,  and  pointing  with  his 


174  Scotcb  XUit  auD  Ibumoi* 

finger,  he  got  out  :   "My   fowk   lie   there,  Mary  ;    wad 
ye  like  to  lie  there  ?  " 

The  g^rave  hint  was  taken,  and  she  became  his  wife. 

A   Spiritual  Barometer 

There  was  an  old  baclielor  clergyman  whose  land- 
lady declared  that  he  used  to  express  an  opinion  of 
his  dinner  by  the  grace  which  he  made  to  follow. 
When  he  had  a  good  dinner  which  pleased  him,  and 
a  good  glass  of  beer  with  it,  he  poured  forth  the 
grace,  "  For  the  richest  of  Thy  bounty  and  its  bless- 
ings we  offer  our  thanks."  When  he  had  had  poor 
fare  and  poor  beer,  his  grace  was,  "  We  thank  Thee 
for  the  least  of  these  Thy  mercies." 

A  New  Application  of  "  The  Argument  from 
Design  " 

An  honest  Highlander,  a  genuine  lover  of  sneeshin, 
observed,  standing  at  the  door  of  the  Blair  Athole  Hotel, 
a  magnificent  man  in  full  tartans,  and  noticed  with 
much  admiration  the  wide  dimensions  of  his  nostrils 
in  a  fine  up-turned  nose.  He  accosted  him  and,  as 
his  most  complimentary  act,  offered  him  his  mull  for 
a  pinch. 

The  stranger  drew  up  and  rather  haughtily  said  : 
"  I  never  take  snuff." 

"Oh,"  said  the  other,  "  that's  a  peety,  for  there's 
gran'  accommodation." 

Two  Methods  of  Getting  a  Dog  Out  of  Church 
I  had  an  anecdote  from  a  friend  of  a  rejjly  from  a 
betheral  (beadle)  to  the  minister  in  church,  which 
was  quaint  and  amusing  from  the  shrewd  self-import- 
ance it  indicated  in  his  own  acuteness.  The  clergy- 
man had  been  annoyed  during  the  course  of  his  ser- 
mon by  the  restlessness  and  occasional  whining  of  a 
dog,  which  at  last  began  to  bark  outright.  He  looked 
out  for  the  beadle,  and  directed  him  very  peremp- 
torily, "John,  carry  that  dog  out." 

John  looked  up  to  the  pulpit  and,  with  a  very  know- 
ing e.xpression,  said  :  "  Na,  na,  sir  ;  I'se  just  mak* 
him  gae  out  on  his  ain  four  legs."     [7] 


Scotch  Tldit  an^  1L»umor  175 

Born  Too  Late 
A  popular  English  nonconformist  minister  was 
residing  with  a  faniilv  in  Glasgow,  while  on  a  visit  to 
that  city,  whither  he  had  gone  on  a  deputation  from 
the  Wesleyan  Missionary  Society.  After  dinner,  in 
replj'  to  an  invitation  to  partake  of  some  fine  fruit,  he 
mentioned  to  the  family  a  curious  circumstance  con- 
cerning himself,  viz.  :  that  he  had  never  in  his  life 
tasted  an  apple,  pear,  or  grape,  or  indeed  any  kind 
of  green  fruit.  This  fact  seemed  to  evoke  consider- 
able surprise  from  the  company,  but  a  cautious 
Scotchman,  of  a  practical  matter-of-fact  turn  of  mind, 
and  who  had  lislened  with  much  unconcern,  drily- 
remarked  :  "It's  a  peety  but  ye  had  been  in  Para- 
dise, an'  there  might  na  hae  been  ony  faa'." 

A  Treacher  with  his  Back  Towards   Heaven 

During  one  of  the  religious  revivals  in  Scotland,  a 
sm^i.l  farmer  went  about  [^reaching  with  much  fluency 
and  zeal,  the  doctrine  of  a  "  full  assurance"  of  faith, 
and  expressed  his  belief  of  it  for  himself  in  such 
extravagant  terms  as  few  men  would  venture  upon 
who  were  humble  and  cautious  against  presumption. 
The  preacher,  being  personally  rather  remarkable  as 
a  man  of  greedy  and  selfish  views  in  life,  excited 
some  suspicion  in  tiie  breast  of  an  old  sagacious 
countryman,  a  neighbor  of  Dr.  Macleod,  who  asked 
what  /le  thought  of  John  as  a  preacher,  and  of  his 
doctrine? 

Scratching  his  head,  as  if  in  some  doubt,  he  replied, 
^'  I  never  keii'  t  a  man  sae  sure  o'  heaven  and  so  sweert 
{slow)  to  be gai>tg  !ael."      [5] 

Nearer  the  Bottom  than  the  Top 
A  little  boy  who  attended  a  day  school  near  his 
home,  was  always  asked  in  the  evening  how  he  stood 
in  his  own  class.  The  invariable  answer  was,  "  I'm 
second  dux,"  which  means,  in  Scottish  academical 
language,  second  from  the  top  of  the  class.  As  his 
habits  of  application  at  home  did  not  quite  bear  out 
the  claims  to  so  distinguished  a  literary  position  at 
school,   one   of   the  family  ventured  to  ask   what  was 


176  Scotch  tait  anD  Ibumor 

the  number  in  tlie  class  to  wliich  lie  was  attached. 
After  some  hesitation,  he  was  obliged  to  atlmit,  "  Ou, 
there's  jist  me  and  a)iither  /ass.'' 

A  Crushing  Arguntient  against  MS.  Sermons 

A  clergyman  thought  his  ])eople  were  making 
rather  an  unconscionable  objection  to  his  using  an 
LIS.  in  delivering  a  sermon. 

They  urged,  "  What  gars  ye  tak'  up  your  bit  papers 
to  the  pu'i)it  ?" 

He  rejilied  that  it  was  best,  for  really  he  could  not 
remember  his  sermons,  and  must  have  his  paper. 

"  Weel,  weel,  minister,  then  dinna  expect  that  ice 
can  remember  them." 

Mortal  Humor 

Humor  sometimes  comes  out  on  the  very  scaffold. 
An  old  man  was  once  hanged  for  complicity  in  a 
murder.  The  rope  broke,  and  he  fell  heavily  to  the 
ground.  His  first  utterance  when  his  breath  returned 
to  him  was,  "All,  sheriff,  sheriff,  gie  us  fair  hangin'." 

His  friends  demanded  that  he  should  be  delivered 
up  to  them,  as  a  second  hanging  was  not  contem- 
plated in  the  sentence.  But  the  old  man,  looking 
round  on  the  curious  crowd  of  gazers,  ami  lifting  up 
his  voice,  said,  "  Na,  na,  boys,  I'll  no  gang  hame  to 
my  neighbors  to  hear  people  pointing  me  oot  as  the 
half-hangit  man;   I'll  be  hangit  oot." 

And  he  got  liis  wish  five  minutes  after. 

A  Fruitful  Field 

The  following  anecdote  was  connnunicated  to  me 
by  a  gentleman  who  happened  to  be  a  party  to  the 
conversation  detailed  below.  This  gentleman  was 
passing  along  the  road  not  one  hundred  miles  from 
Peterhead  one  day.  Two  different  farms  skirt  the 
separate  sides  of  the  turnpike,  one  of  which  is  rented 
by  a  farmer  who  cultivates  his  land  according  to  the 
most  advanced  system  of  agriculture,  and  the  other 
of  which  is  farmed  by  a  gentleman  of  the  old  school. 

Our  informant  met  the  latter  worthy  at  the  side  of 
the  turnpike,  o])i)osite  his  neighbor's  farm,  and  seeing 


Scotch  "aiit  anC>  Ibumot  177 

a  fine  crop  of  wheat  upon  what  appeared  to  be  (and 
really  was)  very  poor  and  thin  land,  asked,  "  Wheit 
was  that  wheat  sown  ?  " 

"  O,  I  dinna  ken,"  replied  the  gentleman  of  the  old 
school,  with  a  sort  of  half  indifference,  half  contempt. 

"  But  isn't  it  stranc^e  that  such  a  fine  crop  should  be 
reared  on  such  bad  land?  "  asked  our  informant. 

"  O,  na — nae  at  a'— devil  thank  it ;  a  gravesteen 
wad  gie  guid  bree  gin  ye  geed  it  plenty  o'  but- 
ter."    [7] 

The  "Minister's  Man" 

The  "  minister's  man"  was  a  functionary  now  less- 
often  to  be  met  with.  He  was  the  minister's  own 
servant  and  faciotuvi.  Amongst  this  class  there  was 
generally  much  Scottish  humor  and  original  character. 
They  were  (like  the  betheral,  or  beadle)  great  critics 
of  sermons,  and  often  severe  upon  strangers,  some- 
times with  a  sly  hit  at  their  own  ministers.  One  of 
these,  David,  a  well-known  character,  complimenting 
a  young  minister  who  had  preached,  told  him,  "  Your 
introduction,  sir,  is  aye  grand  ;  it's  worth  a'  the  rest 
o'  the  sermon, — could  ye  no'  mak'  it  a'  introduction  ?" 

David's  criticisms  of  his  master's  sermons  were 
sometimes  sharp  enough  and  shrewd.  On  one  occa- 
sion, the  minister  was  driving  home  from  a  neighbor- 
ing church  where  he  had  been  preaching,  and  where 
he  had,  as  he  thought,  acquitted  himself  pretty  well, 
inquired  of  David  what  //<?  thought  of  it.  The  subject 
of  discourse  had  been  the  escape  of  the  Israelites  from 
Egypt.     So  David  opened  his  criticism  : 

"  Thocht  o't,  sir  ?  Deed  I  thocht  nocht  o't  ava.  It 
was  a  vara  imperfect  discourse,  in  ma  opinion  ;  ye  did 
well  eneucht  till  ye  took  them  through,  but  where  did 
ye  leave  them?  just  daunerin'  o'  the  sea-shore  with- 
out a  place  to  gang  till.  Had  it  no'  been  for  Pharaoh 
they  had  been  better  on  the  other  side,  where  they 
were  comfortably  encampit  than  daunerin'  where  ye 
left  them.  It's  painful  to  hear  a  sermon  stoppit  afore 
it  is  richt  ended,  just  as  it  is  to  hear  ane  streeket  out 
lang  after  it's  dune.  That's  my  opinion  o'  the 
sermon  ye  geid  us  to-day." 

12 


178  Scotch  lUit  ano  Ibumor 

"  Verj'  freely  given,  David,  very  freely  given  ;  drive 
on   a  little    faster,    for   I   think   yc're  dauneriii'    noo, 

yersell."      [7] 

A  New  and  Original  Scene  in  "Othello" 

At  a  Scottish  provincial  theatre,  a  prompter  named 
Walls,  who,  being  exceedingly  useful,  frequently 
appeared  on  the  stage,  happened  one  evening  to  play 
the  Duke,  in  "0//ie//o."  Previous  to  going  on,  he 
had  given  directions  to  a  girl-of-all-\vork,  who  looked 
after  the  wardrobe,  to  bring  a  gill  of  best  whiskey. 
Not  wishing  to  go  out,  as  the  evening  was  wet,  the 
girl  deputed  her  little  brother  to  execute  the  com- 
mission. The  senate  was  assembled,  and  the 
speaker  was — 

Brabanlio :  "For  my  particular  grief  is  of  so 
floodgate  and  o'erbearing  nature,  that  it  engluts  and 
swallows  other  sorrows,  and  is  still  itself." 

Duke :  "  Why,  what's  the  matter?  " 

Here  the  little  boy  walked  on  to  the  stage  with  a 
pewter  gill  stouj),  and  thus  delivered  himself : 

"It's  just  the  whusky,  Mr.  Walls,  and  I  couldna 
get  ony  at  fourpence,  so  yer  awn  the  landlord  a 
pennny,  an'  he  says  it's  time  you  were  payin'  whet's 
doon  i'  the  book." 

The  roars  of  laughter  which  followed  from  both 
audience  and  actors  for  some  time  i)revented  the 
further  progress  of  the  play. 

The  Shape  of  the  Earth 

A  country  schoolmaster  of  the  old  time  was  coach- 
ing his  pui>ils  for  the  j-early  examination  by  the 
clergymen  of  the  district.  He  had  before  him  tiie 
junior  geograj^hy  class. 

"  Can  any  little  boy  or  girl  tell  me  what  is  the 
shape  of  the  earth  ?  " 

To  this  there  was  no  answer. 

"  Oh,  dear  me,  this  is  sad  !  What  wull  the  minis- 
ter sink  o'  this?  Well,  I'll  gie  you  a  token  to  mind 
it.     What  is  the  shape  o'  this  snufl-box  in  ma  han'  ?" 

"Square,  sir,"  replied  all. 

"Yes;    but  on   the    Sabbath,   when    a    shange  ma 


Scotcb  xait  and  Ibumoc  179 

claes,  I  shange  ma  snuff-box,  and   I  wears   a  round 
one.     Will  you  mind  that  for  a  token  ?  " 

Examination  day  came,  and  the  junior  geography 
class  was  called. 

"  Fine  intelligent  class  this,  I\Ir.  Mackenzie,"  said 
one  of  the  clergyn^en. 

"Oh,  yes,  sir,  they're  na  boor-like." 

"  Can  any  of  the  little  boys  or  girls  tell  me  what  is 
the  shape  of  the  earth  ?  " 

Every  hand  was  e.\tended,  everj' head  thrown  back, 
every  eye  flashed  with  eager  excitement  in  the  good 
old  style  of  schools.  One  was  singled  out  with  a 
"You,  my  little  fellow,  tell  us." 

"  Roond  on  Sundays,  and  square  all  the  rest  o'  the 
week." 

Rivalry  in  Prayer 

Yarmoutli,  Nova  Scotia,  has  a  wide-awake  Presby- 
terian elder  of  Scotch  character,  who,  although  a  per- 
sistent advocate  of  the  Westminster  Confession, 
occasionally  for  convenience  sake  —  and  from  an 
innate  love  of  religious  intercourse  —  attends  the 
meetings  of  his  Metiiodist  brethren. 

At  a  recent  prayer-meeting  that  was  held  prepara- 
tory to  a  centennial  service  in  commemoration  of  the 
progress  of  Methodism  in  Nova  Scotia,  the  presiding 
minister  dwelt  eloquently  upon  the  wonderful  growth 
and  prosperitj'  of  the  Methodist  Church,  and  upon 
the  life  of  its  great  founder,  John  Wesley.  He  also 
expressed  thankfulness  that  on  that  day  there  were 
one  hundred  and  nine  Methodist  ministers  in  Nova 
Scotia.  The  meeting  thus  very  decidedly  assumed  a 
denominational  character,  but  the  minister  asked  the 
good  Presbyterian  brother  to  lead  in  prayer  at  the 
close.  The  elder  complied,  and  after  thanking  God 
for  the  manj'  good  things  he  had  just  heard  "  about 
this  branch  of  Zion,"  he  added,  with  much  depth  and 
feeling,  "  O  Lord,  we  thank  Thee  fot  John  Knox  ;  we 
thank  Thee  for  the  one  hundred  and  nine  Methodist 
ministers  in  our  countr\',  but  we  especially  thank 
Thee  for  the  one  hundred  and  thirteen  Presbj'terian 
ministers  who  are  preaching  the  Word  of  Life  through- 
out our  land.     Amen." 


180  Gcotcb  XUit  ant>  Ibnmor 

A  Compensation  Balance 

The  answers  of  servants  often  curiously  illus- 
trate the  habits  and  manners  of  the  household.  A 
bright  maid-of-all-\vork,  alluding  to  the  activity  and 
parsinKKiy  of  her  mistress,  said,  "  She's  vicious 
ujio'  the  wark,  but,  eh,  she's  vary  mysterious  o'  the 
victualing." 

The  "  Sawbeth  "  at  a  Country  Inn 

The  Rev.  Moncure  D.  Conway,  while  traveling  in 
the  neighborhood  of  the  Hebrides,  heard  several 
anecdotes  illustrative  of  the  fearful  reverence  with 
which  Scotchmen  in  that  region  observe  the  Sabbath. 
Saj^s  he  :  "  A  minister  of  the  kirk  recently  declared  in 
public  that  at  a  country  inn  he  wished  the  window 
raised,  so  that  he  might  get  some  fresh  air,  but  the 
landlady  would  not  allow  it,  saying,  'Ye  can  hae  no 
fresh  air  here  on  the  Sawbeth.'  "      [i  i] 

Scotchmen  Everywhere 

Wis  ever  a  place  that  hadn't  its  Scotchman?  In  a 
late  English  publicatii:)n  we  find  an  account  of  a 
gentleman  traveling  in  Turkey,  who,  arriving  at  a 
military  station,  took  occasion  to  admire  the  martial 
appearance  of  two  men.  He  says  :  "  The  Russian 
was  a  fine,  soldier-like  figure,  nearly  six  feet  high, 
with  a  heavy  cuirassier  moustache,  and  a  latent  figure 
betraying  itself  (as  the  'physical  force,'  novelists  say) 
in  every  line  of  his  long  muscular  limbs.  (Jur  jiasha 
was  a  short  thick-set  man,  rather  too  round  and  i)uffy 
in  the  face  to  he  very  dignified  ;  but  the  eager,  rest- 
less glance  of  his  quick  gray  eye  showed  that  he  had 
no  want  of  energy.  My  friend,  the  interpreter,  looked 
admiringly  at  the  pair  as  they  approached  each  other, 
and  was  just  e.xclaiming,  '  There,  thank  (iod,  are  a 
real  Russian  and  a  real  Turk,  and  admirable  speci- 
mens of  their  race,  too ! '  when  suddenly  General 
Sarasoff  and  Ibraham  Pasha,  after  staring  at  each 
other  for  a  moment,  burst  forth  simultaneously,  '  Eh, 
Donald  Cawmell,  are.i'<?  there?'  'Lord  keep  us, 
Sandy  Robertson,  can  this  hejyouf  " 


Scotch  mit  an5  ibumor  i8i 

A  Bookseller's  Knowledge  of  Books 
A  Glasgow  bailie  was  one  of  a  dei^utation  sent  from 
tliat  city  to  Louis  Philii^pe,  when  that  monarch  was 
on  the  French  throne.  Tlie  king  received  tlie  deputa- 
tion very  graciously,  and  honored  them  with  an  invi- 
tation to  dinner.  During  the  evening  the  |)arty 
retired  to  the  roj^al  library,  where  the  king,  having 
ascertained  that  the  bailie  followed  the  calling  of 
bookseller,  showed  him  the  works  of  several  English 
authors,  and  said  to  him  :  '•  You  see,  I  am  well  sup- 
plied with  standard  works  in  English.  There  is  a 
fine  edition  of  Burke." 

The  magistrate,  familiar  only  with  Burke  the 
murderer,  exclaimed  :  "  Ah,  the  villain  !  I  was  there 
when  he  was  hanged  !  " 

"  Fou'— Aince" 

George  Webster  once  met  a  shepherd  boy  in  Glen- 
shee,  and  asked,  "  My  man,  were  you  ever  fou'  ?" 

"  Ay,  aince  " — speaking  slowly,  as  if  remembering — 
"  Av,  aince." 

"'what  on?" 

"Cauld  mutton  !"      [12] 

Sunday  Drinking 

Dr.  M ,  accompanied  by  a  friend,  took  a  long 

walk  on  Sunday,  and  being  fatigued,  the  two  stopped 
at  an  inn  to  get  some  refreshment.  The  landlord 
stopped  them  at  the  door  with  the  question  whether 
thej"^  were  bona  fide  travelers,  as  such  alone  could 
enter  his  house  on  Sunday'.  They  said  they  were 
from  London,  and  were  admitted.  They  were  sent 
bread  and  cheese  and  stout.  The  stout  was  bad,  and 
they  sent  for  ale  ;  but  that  being  worse,  they  sent  for 
whiskey.  The  landlord  refused  this,  saying  they  had 
enough  for  their  bodily  necessities. 

After  a  great  deal  of  urging  for  the  whiskey,  which 

the  landlord  withstood,  M said,   "Very  well;  if 

}-ou  won't  sell  us  whiskey,  we  must  use  our  own,"  at 
the  same  time  pulling  a  flask  out  of  his  pocket. 

This  was  more  than  the  Scotchman  could  stand. 
The  sin  was  to  be  committed,  and  there  w^ould  be  no 


182  Scotch  *UIllt  aiiO  Ibumor 

coripensation  to  its  lieinousness  in  tlie  way  of  profit 
to  his  inn.  "Ah,  weel,"  he  said,  "  if  ye  maun  have  the 
whiskey,  ye  maun,  an'  I'll  send  ye  the  mateyrials." 

Drawing  an  Inference 

A  certain  functionary  of  a  country  parish  is  usually 
called  the  viinistcr's  man,  and  to  one  of  these  who 
liad  gone  through  a  long  course  of  such  parish  official 
life,  a  gentleman  one  day  remarked — "  John,  ye  hae 
been  sae  lang  about  the  minister's  hand  that  I  dare 
say  ye  could  preach  a  sermon  yersell  now." 

To  which  John  modestly  replied,  "  O  na,  sir,  I 
couldna  preach  a  sermon,  but  maybe  I  could  draw  an 
inference." 

"  Well,  John,"  said  the  gentleman,  humoring  the 
quiet  vanity  of  the  beadle,  "  what  inference  could  ye 
draw  frae  this  text,  'A  wild  ass  snuffeth  up  the  wind 
at  her  pleasure  !  "  (Jer.  ii  :  24). 

"Weel,  sir,  I  wad  draw  this  inference: — she  wad 
snuff  a  lang  time  afore  she  would  fatten  upon  't."  [7] 

Going  to  Ramoth  Gilead 

A  sailor,  who  had  served  the  king  so  long  at  sea 
that  he  almost  forgot  the  usages  of  civilized  society  on 
shore,  went  one  day  into  the  church  at  his  native  town 
of  Kircaldy,  in  Fife,  where  it  happened  that  the  min- 
ister chose  for  his  text  the  well-known  passage,  "  Who 
will  go  up  with  us  to  Ramoth  Gilead?" 

This  emphatic  ajjpeal  being  read  the  second  time, 
and  in  a  still  more  impressive  tone  of  voice,  the 
thoughtless  tar  crammed  a  quid  of  tobacco  into  his 
cheek,  rose  up,  put  on  his  hat ;  then,  looking  around 
him,  and  seeing  nobody  moving,  he  exclaimed,  "  You 
cowartlly  lubbers  !  will  none  of  you  go  with  the  old 
gentleman?  I  go  for  one." 

So  out  he  went,  giving  three  cheers  at  the  door,  to 
the  amazement  of  all  present. 

Why  Saul  Threw  a  Javelin  at  David 
A  High-Churchman  and  a  Scotch  Presbyterian  had 
been  at  the  same  church.     The  former  asked  the  latter 
if  he  did  not  like  the  "  introits." 


Scotch  mit  anD  Ibumor  183 

"  I  don't  know  wliat  an  iiitroit  is,"  was  the  reply. 

"But  did  j'ou  not  enjoy  the  anthem?"  said  the 
churchman. 

"  No,  I  did  not  enjoy  it  at  all." 

"  I  am  very  sorry,"  said  the  churchman,  "  because  it 
was  used  in  the  early  church  ;  in  fact,  it  was  originally 
sung  by  David." 

'•Ah!"  said  the  Scotchman,  "then  that  explains 
the  Scripture.  I  can  understand  why,  if  David  sung 
it  at  that  time,  Saul  threw  his  javelin  at  him." 

A  Sexton's  Criticism 

The  following  criticism  by  a  Scotch  se.xton  is  not 
bad  : 

A  clergyman  in  the  country  had  a  stranger  preach- 
ing for  him  one  day,  and  meeting  his  sexton,  asked, 
"  Well,  Saunders,  liovv  did  you  like  the  sermon, 
to-day?" 

"  It  was  rather  ower  plain  and  simple  for  me.  I 
like  thea  sermons  best  that  jumbles  the  joodgment 
and  confoonds  the  sense.  Od,  sir,  I  never  saw  ane 
that  could  come  up  to  yoursel'  at  that." 

Strange    Reason  for  not   Increasing  a   Minister's 

Stipend 

A  relative  of  mine  going  to  church  with  a  Forfarshire 
farmer,  one  of  the  old  school,  asked  him  the  amount 
of  the  minister's  stipend. 

He  said,  "  Od,  it's  a  gude  ane — the  maist  part  of 
;^3oo  a  year." 

"Well,"  said  my  relative,  "many  of  these  Scotch 
ministers  are  but  poorly  off." 

"  They've  eneuch,  sir  ;  they  have  eneuch  ;  if  they'd 
mair,  it  would  want  a'  their  time  to  the  spending 
o't."    [7] 

Pulpit  Eloquence 
An  old  clerical  friend  upon  Sprej'side,  a  confirmed 
old  bachelor,  on  going  up  to  the  ])uli)it  one  Sunday  to 
preach,  found,  after  giving  out  the  psalm,  that  he  had 
forgotten  his  sermon.  I  do  not  know  what  his  objec- 
tions were  to  his  leaving  the  pulpit  and  going  to  the 


1S4  Scotcb  XUit  auD  Ibumor 

manse  for  liis  sermon,  but  he  rreferred  sending  his 
old  confidential  housekeeper  for  it.  He  accordingly 
stood  up  in  the  pulpit,  stopped  the  singing,  when  it 
had  commenced,  and  thus  accosted  his  faithful  domes- 
tic :  "  Annie,  I  sa_v,  Annie,  we've  committed  a  mistake 
the  day.  Ye  maun  jist  gang  your  waa's  hame,  and 
ye'l'i  get  my  sermon  out  o'  my  breek  pouch,  an' 
we'll  sing  to  the  praise  o'  the  Lord  till  ye  come  back 
again."    [7] 

Maunderings,  by  a  Scotchman 

The  following  is  said  by  Chambers'  Journal  to  have 
been  written  by  a  Scotchman.  If  so,  the  humorous 
way  in  whfch  he  is  taking  off  a  certain  tendency  of 
the  Scotch  mind,  is  delicious  ;  if  by  an  Englishman, 
the  humor  will  be  less  keen,  though  not  less  fair. 

I  am  far  frae  being  clear  that  Nature  hersel',  though 
a  kindly  auld  carline,  has  been  a'thegither  just  to 
Scotland  seeing  that  she  has  sae  contrived  that  some 
«'  our  greatest  men,  that  ought  hy  richt  to  hae  been 
Scotchmen,  were  born  in  England  and  other  countries, 
and  sae  have  been  kenned  as  Englishers,  or  else 
something  not  quite  sae  guid. 

There's  glorious  old  Ben  Jonson,  the  dramatic 
poet  and  scholar,  that  everybody  tak's  for  a  regular 
Londoner,  merely  because  he  happened  to  be  born 
there.  Ben's  father,  it's  weel  ken't,  was  a  Johnston 
o'  Annandale  in  Dumfriesshire,  a  bauld  guid  family 
thereto  this  day.  He  is  alloo't  to  hae  been  a  gentle- 
man, even  by  the  English  biograj)liers  o'  his  son  ; 
and,  dootless,  sae  he  was,  sin'  he  was  an  Annandale 
Jolmston.  He  had  gane  up  to  London,  about  the  time 
o'  Queen  Mary,  and  was  amang  them  that  suffered 
under  that  sour  uphalder  o'  popery.  Ben,  puir  cliiel', 
had  the  misfortune  first  to  see  the  ligiit  somewhere 
aboot  Charing  Cross,  instead  o'  the  bonnie  leas  o' 
Ecclefechan,  where  his  poetic  soul  wad  hae  been  on 
far  better  feedin'  grund,  I  reckon.  But  nae  doot,  he 
cam'  to  sit  contented  under  the  dispensations  of  Provi- 
dence Howsomever,  he  ought  to  be  now  ranked 
amang  Scotchmen,  that's  a'. 

Tiiere  was  a  still  greater  man  in  that  same  century. 


Scotch  VILit  anJ?  IDumor  185 

that's  generally  set  down  as  a  Lincolnshire-man,  but 
ought  to  be  looked  on  as  next  thing  till  a  Scotchman, 
if  no'  a  Scotchman  out  and  out ;  and  that's  Sir  Isaac 
Newton.  They  speak  o'  his  forebears  as  come  frae 
Newton  in  Lancashire  ;  but  the  honest  man  himsel's 
the  best  authority  aboot  his  ancestrj',  I  should  think  ; 
and  didna  he  say  to  his  friend  Gregory  ae  day : 
"  Gregory,  ye  warna  aware  that  I'm  o'  the  same 
country  wi'  yoursel' — I'm  a  Scotchman."  It  wad 
appear  that  Sir  Isaac  had  an  idea  in  his  head,  that  he 
had  come  somehow  o'  the  Scotch  baronet  o'  tlie  name 
o'  Newton  ;  and  nothing  can  be  better  attested  than 
that  there  was  a  Scotchman  o'  that  name  wha  became 
a  baronet  by  favor  o'  King  James  the  Sixt  (What  for 
aye  ca'  him  James  the  First?)  having  served  that 
wise-headed  king  as  preceptor  to  his  eldest  son,  Prince 
Henr\'.  Sae,  ye  see,  there  having  been  a  Scotch 
Newton  who  was  a  baronet,  and  Sir  Isaac  thinking  he 
cam'  o'  sic  a  man,  the  thing  looks  unco'  like  as  if  it 
were  a  fact.  It's  the  mair  likely,  too,  frae  Sir  Adam 
Newton  having  been  a  grand  scholar  and  a  man  o' 
great  natural  ingenuity  o'  mind  ;  for,  as  we  a'  ken 
right  weel,  bright  abilities  gang  in  families.  There's 
a  chiel'  o'  my  acquentance  that  disna  think  the  dates 
answer  sae  weel  as  they  ought  to  do ;  but  he  ance 
lived  a  twalmonth  in  England,  and  I'm  feared  he's 
grown  a  wee  thing  prejudiced.  Sae  we'll  say  nae 
mair  aboot  liini. 

Then,  there  was  Willie  Cowper,  the  author  o'  the 
Task,  John  Gilpin,  and  mony  other  poems.  If  ye 
were  to  gie  implicit  credence  to  his  English  biogra- 
phers, ye  wad  believe  that  he  cam'  o'  an  auld  Sussex 
family.  But  Cowper  himsel'  aye  insisted  that  he  had 
come  o'  a  Fife  gentleman  o'  lang  syne,  that  had  been 
fain  to  flit  southwards,  having  mair  guid  blude  in  his 
veins  than  siller  in  his  purse  belike,  as  has  been  the 
case  wi'  mony  a  guid  fellow  before  noo.  It's  certain 
that  the  town  o'  Cupar,  whilk  may  hae  gi'en  the 
family  its  name,  is  the  head  town  o'  that  county  to^ 
this  day.  There  was  ane  Willie  Cowper,  Bishop  o' 
Galloway  in  the  time  o'  King  Jamie — a  real  good 
exerceesed  Christian,  although  a  bishop — and  tlie  poet 


186  Scotcb  "Wait  anO  Ibiimor 

jaloosed  that  tliis  worthy  man  had  been  ane  o'  his 
relations.  I  dinna  pretend  to  ken  how  the  matter 
really  stood ;  but  it  doesna  look  very  likely  that 
Cowper  could  hae  taken  up  the  notion  o'  a  Scotch 
ancestry,  if  there  hadna  been  some  tradition  to  that 
effeck.  I'm  particularly  vext  that  our  country  was 
cheated  out  o'  haeing  Cowper  for  ane  o'  her  sons,  for 
I  trow  he  was  weel  worthy  o'  that  honor ;  and  if  Provi- 
dence had  willed  that  he  should  hae  been  born  and 
brought  up  in  Scotland,  I  haena  the  least  doot  that  he 
wad  hae  been  a  minister,  and  ane  too,  that  wad  hae 
pleased  the  folk  just  extrornar. 

There  was  a  German  philosopher  in  the  last  cen- 
tury, that  made  a  great  noise  wi'  a  book  of  his  that 
explored  and  exi^lained  a'  the  in-thoughts  and  out- 
thoughts  o'  the  human  mind.  His  name  was  Imman- 
tiel  Kant ;  and  the  Kantian  philosophy  is  weel  kent  as 
something  originating  wi'  him.  Weel,  this  Kant 
ought  to  hae  been  a  Scotchman  ;  or  rather  he  teas  a 
Scotchman  ;  but  only,  owing  to  some  grandfather  or 
great-grandfather  having  come  to  live  in  Konigsberg, 
in  Prussia,  ye' 11  no'  hinder  Immanuel  frae  being  born 
there — whilk  of  coorsewas  a  pity  for  a'  parties  except 
Prussia,  that  gets  credit  by  the  circumstance.  The 
father  of  the  philosopher  was  an  honest  saddler  o'  the 
name  o'  Cant,  his  ancestor  having  been  ane  o'  the 
Cants  o'  Aberdeenshire,  and  maybe  a  relation  of 
Andrew  Cant,  for  onything  I  ken.  It  was  the  philoso- 
pher that  changed  the  C  for  the  K,  to  avoid  the  foreign 
look  of  the  word,  our  letter  C  not  belonging  to  the 
German  alphabet.  I'm  rale  sorry  that  Kant  did  not 
spring  up  in  Scotland,  where  his  metaphysical  studies 
wad  hae  been  on  friendly  grund.  But  I'm  quite  sure, 
an'  he  had  visited  Scotland  and  come  to  Aberdeen- 
shire, he  wad  hae  fund  a  guid  number  o'  his  relations, 
that  wad  hae  been  very  glad  to  see  him,  and  never 
thought  the  less  o'  him  for  being  merely  a  philosopher. 

Weel,  we've  got  down  a  guid  way  noo,  and  the  next 
man  I  find  that  ought  by  richts  to  hae  been  a  Scotch- 
man is  that  deil's  bucky  o'  a  poet,  Lord  Byron.  I'm 
no'  saying  that  Lord  Byron  was  a'thegither  a  respect- 
able character,  ye  see  ;    but  there  can  |je  nae  maimer 


Scotcb  XUlt  anD  Tjumcr  1S7 

o'  doot  that  he  wrote  grand  poetry,  and  got  a  great 
name  by  it.  Noo,  Lord  Bj-ron  was  born  in  London — 
I'm  no'  denyin'  what  Tammy  Muir  says  on  that  score 
—but  liis  mother  was  a  Scotch  leddy,  and  she  and  her 
Imsband  settled  in  Scotland  after  their  marriage,  and 
of  coorse  their  son  wad  hae  been  born  there  in  due 
time,  had  it  no'  been  that  the  husband's  debts  obliged 
them  to  gang,  first  to  France  and  after  that  to  London, 
where  the  leddy  cam'  to  hae  her  down-lying,  as  has 
already  been  said.  This,  it  plainly  appears  to  me,  was 
a  great  injustice  to  Scotland. 

Wj'  greatest  grudge  o'  a'  is  regarding  that  bright 
genius  for  historical  composition,  Thomas  Babbington 
Macaulay,  M.  P.  for  Edinburgh.  About  the  j'ear  1790, 
the  minister  o'  the  parish  o'  Cardross  in  Dumbarton- 
shire, was  a  Mr.  M'Aulay,  a  north-country  man,  it's 
said,  and  a  man  o'  uncommon  abilities.  It  was  in  his 
parish  that  that  other  bright  genius,  Tobias  Smollett, 
was  born,  and  if  a'  bowls  had  rowed  richt,  sae  should 
T.  B.  M.  But  it  was  otherwise  ordeened.  A  son  o' 
this  mmister,  having  become  preceptor  to  a  Mr.  Bar- 
binton,  a  young  man  o'  fortune  in  England,  it  sae 
cam'  aboot  that  this  youth  and  his  preceptor's  sister, 
wha  was  an  extrornan'  bonny  lass,  drew  up  thegither, 
and  were  married.  That  led  to  ane  o'  the  minister's 
sons  going  to  England — namely,  Mr.  Zachary,  the 
father  o'  oor  member ;  and  thus  it  was  that  we  were 
cheated  out  o'  tlie  honor  o'  having  T.  B.  as  an  out- 
and-out  Scotsman,  whilk  it's  no'  natural  to  England 
to  bring  forth  sic  geniuses,  wearj^  fa'  it,  that  I  should 
say  sae.  I'm  sure  I  wiss  that  the  bonny  lass  had  been 
far  eneuch,  afore  she  bVought  about  this  strange  can- 
trip o'  fortune,  or  that  she  had  contented  hersel'  wi' 
an  honest  Greenock  gentleman  that  wanted  her,  and 
wha,  I've  been  tould,  de'ed  no'  aboon  three  year 
syne. 

Naebody  that  kens  me  will  ever  suppose  that  I'm 
vain  either  aboot  mysel'  or  my  country.  I  wot  weel, 
when  we  consider  what  frail  miserable  creatures  we 
are,  we  hae  little  need  for  being  proud  o'  onything.  Yet, 
somehow,  I  aye  like  to  hear  the  name  o'  puir  auld 
Scotland  brought  aboon  board,  so  that   it   is  na  for 


188  Scotcb  mit  anD  Ibumor 

things  even-down  disrespectable.  Some  years  ago, 
we  used  to  hear  a  great  deal  about  a  light-headed 
jillet  they  ca'  Lola  Montes,  that  had  become  quite  an 
important  political  character  at  the  coort  o'  the  king 
o'  Bavaria.  Noo,  although  I  believe  it's  a  fact  that 
Lola's  father  was  a  Scotch  officer  o'  the  army,  I  set  nae 
store  by  her  ava — I  turn  the  back  o'  my  hand  on  a' 
sic  cutties  as  her.  Only,  it  is  a  fact  that  she  comes  o' 
huz — o'  that  there  can  be  nae  doot,  be  it  creditable 
or  no'. 

Well,  ye  see,  there's  anotlier  distinguished  leddy  o' 
modern  times,  that's  no'  to  be  spoken  o'  in  the  same 
breath  wi'  that  Lady  Lighthead.  This  is  the  new 
Empress  o'  France.  A  fine-looking  queen  she  is,  I'm 
tauld.  Weel,  it's  quite  positive  aboot  her  that  her 
mother  was  a  Kirkpatrick,  come  of  the  house  o'  Close- 
burn,  m  the  same  county  that  Ben  Jonson's  father 
cam'  frae.  The  Kirkpatricks  have  had  land  in  Dum- 
friesshire since  the  days  o'  Bruce,  wliose  friend  ane  o' 
them  was,  at  the  time  when  he  killed  Red  Cummin  ; 
but  Closeburn  has  long  passed  away  frae  them,  and 
now  belangs  to  Mr.  Baird,  the  great  iron  master  o'  the 
west  o'  Scotland.  Howsomever,  the  folks  thereaboots 
hae  a  queer  sU  ry  aboot  a  servant-lass  that  was  in  the 
house  in  the  days  o'  the  empress'  great-grandfather 
like.  She  married  a  man  o'  the  name  o'  Paterson 
and  gaed  to  America,  and  her  son  came  to  be  a  great 
merchant,  and  his  daughter  became  Prince  Jerome 
BonaiKirte's  wife ;  and  sae  it  happens  that  a  lady 
come  frae  the  parlor  o'  Closeburn  sits  on  the  throne 
o'  France,  while  a  prince  come  frae  the  kitchen  o'  the 
same  place  is  its  heir  presumptive  !  I'm  no'  sure  that 
the  hale  o'  this  s';ory  is  quite  the  thing  ;  but  I  tell  it 
as  it  was  tauld  to  me. 

I'm  no'  ane  that  tak's  up  my  head  muckle  wi' 
public  singers,  playgoers,  composers  o'  music,  and 
folk  o'  that  kind  ;  but  yet  we  a'  ken  that  some  o' 
them  atteen  to  a  great  deal  o'  distinction,  and  are 
nuickle  ta'en  out  by  the  nobility  and  gentry.  Weel, 
I'm  tauld  (for  I  ken  naething  about  him  mysel')  that 
there  was  ane  Donizetti,  a  great  composer  o'  operas, 
no'  very  lang  syne.     Now,  Donizetti,  as   we've  been 


Scotcb  XUit  auD  Ibumoc  1S9 

tauld  i'  the  public  papers,  was  the  son  o'  a  Scotchman. 
His  father  was  a  Highlandman,  called   Donald   Izett, 
■wha    left    his    native    Perthshire  as    a    soldier— maist 
likely  the  Duke  o'  Atholl  pressed  him  into  the  service 
as  ane  o'  his  volunteers— and  Donald  having  quitted 
the  army  somewhere  abroad,  set  up   in  business  wi' 
Don   Izett  over  his    door,    whilk   the   senseless   folk 
thereabouts  soon  transformed  into  Donizetti,  and  thus 
it  came  about  that  his   son,  wha  turned   out  a  braw 
musician,  bore  this  name  frae  first  to  last,  and  doot- 
less  left  it  to  his  posterity.     I  ken  weel  that  Izett  is  a 
Perthshire  name,  and  there  was  ane  o'  the  clan  some 
years  sin'  in  business  in  the  North  Brig  o'  Edinburgh, 
and  a  rale  guid  honest  man  he  was,  I  can  tell  ye,  and 
a  very  sensible  man,  too.     Ye'll   see   his  head-stane 
ony   day  i'  the    Grayfriars.       And   this    is    guid   evi- 
dence to   me  that    Donizetti  was,  properly  speaking, 
a   Scotchman.       It's   a  sair  pity  for  himsel'    that  he 
wasna  born,  as  he  should  hae  been,  on  the  braes   o' 
Atholl,   for  then   he  wad   nae   doot    hae    learned    the 
richt   music,  that   is   played  there   sae   finely   on   the 
fiddle— namely,    reels  and  strath-speys  ;   and    I  dinna 
ken  but,  wi'  proper  instruction,  he  might  hae  rivalled 
Neil  Gow  himsel'. 

Ye've  a'  heard  o'  Jenny  Lind,  the  Swedish  nightin- 
gale, as  the  fulishly  ca'  her,  as  if  there  ever  were  ony 
nightingales  in  Sweden.  She's  a  vera  fine  creature, 
this  Jenny  Lind,  no  greedy  o'  siller,  as  sae  mony  are, 
but  aye  willing  to  exerceese  her  gift  for  the  guid  o'  the 
sick  and  the  puir.  She's,  in  fack,  just  sick  a  young 
woman  as  we  micht  expeck  Scotland  to  produce,  if  it 
ever  produced  public  singers.  Weel,  Jenny,  I'm  tauld, 
is  another  of  the  great  band  o'  distinguished  persons 
that  ought  to  hae  been  born  in  Scotland,  for  it's  said 
her  greatgrandfather  (I'm  no'  preceese  as  to  the  gen- 
eration) was  a  Scotchman  that  gaed  lang  syne  to 
spouse  his  fortune  abroad,  and  chanced  to  settle  in 
Sweden,  where  he  had  sons  and  daughters  born  to 
him.  There's  a  gey  wheen  Linds  about  Mid-Calder, 
honest  farmer-folk,  to  this  day;  sae  I'm  thinkin' 
there's  no'  muckle  room  for  doot  as  to  the  fack. 

Noo,  having  shewn  sic  a  lang  list  o'  mischances  as 


190  Scotcb  TiClit  anD  Ibumoc 

to  tlie  nativity-  o'  Scotch  folk  o'  eminence,  I  tliink 
ye'll  alloo  tliat  we  jjuir  bodies  in  the  north  hae  some 
occasion  for  complaint.  As  we  are  a'  in  Providence's 
hand,  we  canna,  of  coorse,  prevent  some  o'  our  best 
countrymen  frae  coming  into  the  world  in  vvrang 
places  —  sic  as  Sir  Isaac  Newton  in  Lincolnshire, 
whilk  I  think  an  uncommon  pity  ;  but  what's  to  hinder 
sic  ])ersons  frae  being  reputed  and  held  as  Scotchmen 
notwithstanding?  I'm  sure  I  ken  o'  nae  objection, 
except  it  may  be  that  our  friends  i'  the  south,  feeling 
what  a  sma'  proportion  o'  Great  Britons  are  English- 
men, may  entertain  some  jealousy  on  tiie  subjeck.  If 
that  be  the  case,  the  sooner  that  the  Association  for 
Redress  o'  Scottisli  Grievances  takes  up  the  question 
the  better.      [21] 

A  Leader's  Description  of  His  Followers 

Old  John  Cameron  was  leader  of  a  small  quadrille 
band  in  Edinburgh,  the  performances  of  which  were 
certainly  not  the  very  finest. 

Being  disappointed  on  one  occasion  of  an  engage- 
ment at  a  particular  ball,  he  described  his  more  for- 
tunate but  equally  able  brethren  in  the  following 
terms  :  "  There's  a  Geordie  IMenstrie,  he  plays  rough, 
like  a  man  sharpening  knives  wi'  yellow  sand.  Then 
there's  Jamie  Corri,  his  playin's  like  the  chappiii'  o' 
mince-collops — sic  short  bows  he  tak's.  And  then 
there's  Donald  Munro,  his  bass  is  like  wind  i'  the  lum, 
or  a  tooni  cart  gaun  down  Blackfriars'  Wynd  !  " 

It  Takes  Two  To    Fight 

A  physician  at  Queensferry  was  once  threatened 
with  a  challenge.  His  method  of  receiving  it  was  at 
once  cool  and  incontrovertible. 

"  Ye  may  challenge  me  if  ye  like,"  said  he;  "but 
whether  or  no,  there'll  be  nae  fecbt,  unless  I  gang 
out:' 

"  What's  the  Lawin',  Lass  ?  " 

The  following  dialogue  occurred  in  a  little  country 
inn,  not  so  long  ago  as  the  internal  evidence  might 
lead  one  to  suppose.  The  interlocutors  are  an 
English  tourist  and  a  smart  voung  woman,  who  acted 


Scotch  'Cilllit  anO  Ibumoc  ici 

as  waitress,  clianibermaid,  boots,  and  everybody  else, 
l)eiiig  the  man  and  the  maid  of  the  inn  at  the  same 
time  : 

Tourist :  Come  here,  if  you  please. 
Jenny  :  I  was  just  coming  ben  to  j'ou,  sir. 
Tourist:  Well,  now,  mistress. 

Jenny :  I'm  no'  the  mistress;  I'm  only  the  Jass, 
an'  I'm  no'  married. 

Tourist:  Very  well,  then,  miss. 

Jenny  :  I'm  no'  a  miss  ;   I'm  only  a  man's  dochter. 
Tourist:  A  man's  daughter? 

Jenny :  Hoot,  ay,  sir  ;  didna  ye  see  a  farm  as  ye 
came  up  yestreen,  just  three  parks  aff  ? 

Tou7-ist :  It  is  very  possible;   I  do  not  remember. 
Jenny :  Weel,  onyway,  it's  my  faither's. 
Tourist  :  Indeed  ! 
Jenny  :  Ay,  it's  a  fact. 

Tourist :  Well,  that  fact  being  settled,  let  us  pro- 
ceed to  business.     Will  you  let  me  see  your  bill  ? 

Jenny  :  Our  Bill.  Ou,  ay,  Wully  we  ca'  him,  but  I 
ken  wha  you  mean — he's  no  in  e'en  now. 

Tourist :  Wully  !  what  I  want  is  my  account — a 
l^aper  stating  wliat  I  have  had,  and  how  much  I  have 
to  pay. 

Jenny  :  Did  ony  woman  ever  hear  the  like  o'  that — 
ye  mean  the  lawin',  man  !  But  we  keep  nae  accounts 
here  ;   na,  na,  we  hae  ower  nmckle  to  dae. 

Toujist :  And  how  do  you  know  what  to  charge  ? 
Jenny :   On,  we  just  put  the  things  down  on  the 
sclate,  and  tell  the  customers  the  tottle  by  word  o' 
mouth. 

Tourist:  Just  so.  Well,  will  you  give  me  the 
lawin',  as  I  am  going? 

Jenny:  Oh,  sir,  ye' re  jokin'  noo  !  It's  you  maun 
gie  me  the  lawin' — the  lawin's  the  siller. 

Tourist :  Oh,  indeed,  I  beg  your  pardon  ;  how 
much  is  it  ? 

Jenny :  That's  just  what  I  was  coming  ben  to  tell 
you,  sir.  If  ye  had  ask'd  me  first,  or  waited  till  I 
tell't  ye,  I  wadna  hae  keepit  ye  a  minute.  We're  no 
blate  at  askin'  the  lawin',  although  some  folk  are 
unco'  slow  at  payin'  o't.     It's  just  four-and-si.K. 


192  Scotcb  XUit  anD  Toumot 

Tourist:  That  is  very  moderate;  tlicre  is  five 
shillin.<j;s. 

Jenny:  Thank  yon,  sir;  I  hope  we  hae  a  sixpence 
in  the  house,  for  I  wadna'  like  to  gie  bawbees  to  a 
gentleman. 

Tourist:  No,  no;  the  sixpence  is  for  yourself. 
Jenny :  Oh,  sir,  it's  ower  muckle. 
Tourist  :  What,  do  you  object  to  take  it? 
Jenny :    Na,   na,  sir ;    I   wouldna'  put    that  affront 
upon  ye.     But  I'll  gie  ye  a  bit  o'  advice  for't.     When 
ye' re  gaun   awa'  frae  an   inn  in  a  hurry,   dinna  be 
fashin'   yersel'  vvi'  mistresses,  and  misses,  and  bills  ; 
but  just  say,  "  W^iat's  the  lawin',  lass?" 

Meanness  versus  Crustiness 
A   rather   mean    and    parsimonious  old  lady  called 
one  day  upon  David  Dreghorn,  a  well-known  Glasgow 
fishmonger,  saying,   "  Weel,    Maister    Dreghorn,   how 
are  ye  selling  your  half  salmon  the  noo  ?" 

David  being  in  a  rather  cross  humor,  replied, 
"When  we  catch  onv  half  salmon,  mem,  we'll  let  ye 
ken!" 

Speeding  the  Parting  Guest 

It  is  related  of  a  noble  Scottish  lady  of  the  olden 
time,  who  lived  in  a  remote  part  of  the  Highlands, 
and  was  noted  for  her  profuse  liberality,  that  she  was 
some  times  overburdened  with  habitual  "sorners." 
When  any  one  of  them  outstayed  his  welcome,  she 
would  take  occasion  to  say  to  him  at  the  morning 
meal,  with  an  arch  look  at  the  rest  of  the  company, 

"  Mak'  a  guid  breakfast,  Mr.  ,  while  ye' re  about 

it;  ye  dinna  ken  whaur  ye'll  get  your  dinner."     The 
hint  was  usually  taken,  and  the  "  sorner  "  departed. 

"  Things  Which  Accompany  Salvation  " 
"  What  d'ye  think  o'  this  great  revival  that's  gaun 

on    the    noo,  Jamie?"  asked    a    grocer   of   a   brother 

tradesman. 

"Weel,"    answered   Jamie,   "I   canna    say    muckle 

about  it,  but  I  ken  this— I  liae  gotten  in  a  gude  wheen 

bawbees  that  I  had  given  up  langsyne  as  bad  debts." 


Scotcb  xmit  atiD  Ibumor  193 

Lights  and  Livers 
Lord  Cockburn,  when  at  the  bar,  was  pleading  in  a 
steamboat  collision  case.  The  case  turned  on  the 
fact  of  one  of  the  steamers  carrying  no  lights,  which 
was  the  cause  of  the  accident.  Cockburn  insisting  on 
this,  wound  up  his  eloquent  argument  with  this 
remark:  "  In  fact,  gentlemen,  had  there  been  more 
lighls,  there  would  have  been  more  livers.'''' 

Both  Short 

"Ye' re  unco'  short  the  day,  Saunders,  surely," 
said  an  undersized  student  to  a  Glasgow  bookseller, 
one  morning,  when  the  latter  was  in  an  irritable 
mood. 

"  Od,  man,"  was  the  retort,  "ye  may  haud  your 
tongue  ;  ye' re  no'  sae  lang  yersel'." 

His  Own,  With  "  Interest  " 

"  Coming  from  h— 1,  Lauchlan  ?  "  quoth  a  shepherd, 
proceeding  on  Sacrament  Sunday  to  the  Free  Church, 
and  meeting  a  friend  coming  from  the  Church  of  the 
Establishment. 

"  Better  nor  going  to  it,  Rory,"  retorted  Lauchlan, 
as  he  passed  on. 

"The  Spigot's  Oot  " 

Lord  Airlie  remarked  to  one  of  his  tenants  that  it 
was  a  very  wet  season. 

"  Indeed,  my  lord,"  replied  the  man,  "  I  think  the 
spigot's  oot  a'thegither." 

Looking  After  Himself 

A  canny  man,  who  had  accepted  the  office  of  elder 
because  some  wag  had  made  him  believe  that  the 
remuneration  was  a  si.xpence  each  Sunday  and  a  boll 
of  meal  on  New  Year's  Day,  officially  carried  round 
the  ladle  each  Sunday  after  service.  When  the  year 
e.x-pired  he  claimed  the  meal,  but  was  told  that  he  had 
been  hoaxed. 

"  It  may  be  sae  wi'  the  meal,"  he  replied,  coolly, 
•"  but  I  took  care  o'  the  saxpence  mysel'." 

13 


194  Scotcb  "CUit  an?  "Ibumor 

An   Epitaph  to  Order 

The  Rev.  Dr.  M'Cuiloch,  minister  of  Botlnvell  at 
the  end  of  last  century,  was  a  man  of  sterling  inde- 
pendence and  great  self-decision.  To  a  friend — Rev. 
Mr.  Brisbane— he  one  day  said,  "You  must  write  my 
epitaph  if  you  survive  me." 

"I  will  do  that,"  said  Mr.  Brisbane;  "and  you 
shall  have  it  at  once,  doctor." 

Next  morning  he  received  the  following  :      ■ 

"  Here  lies,  interred  beneath  this  sod, 
That  sycophantish  man  of  God, 
Who  taught  an  easy  way  to  heaven. 
Which  to  the  rich  was  always  given  ; 
If  he  get  in,  he'll  look  and  stare 
To  find  some  out  that  he  put  there." 

A  Variety  Entertainment 
There  used  to  be  a  waggish  ostler  at  one  of  the 
chief  inns  at  Hertford,  who  delighted  to  make  merry 
at  the  expense  of  any  guests  who  gave  themselves 
airs.  The  manner  of  the  ostler  was  extremely  defer- 
ential, and  only  those  who  knew  him  well  were 
aware  of  the  humor  which  almost  always  lurked 
beneath  his  civil  replies  to  the  questions  put  to  him. 
One  day  a  commercial  traveler,  a  complete  prig,  who 
wanted  to  play  tlie  fine  gentleman,  entered  the  inn, 
and  having  despatched  his  dinner,  rang  the  bell  of  the 
commercial  room  for  "  boots,"  who  presently  made 
his  appearance,  when  the  following  colloquy  took 
place : 

Commercial:  "  Dull  town,  this.  Any  amusements, 
Boots  ?  " 

Boots:  "Yes,  sir,  please,  sir;  Musical  Conversa- 
zione over  the  way  at  the  Shire  Hall,  sir.  Half-a- 
crown  admission,  sir.     Very  nice,  sir." 

Commercial :  "Ah,  nice  music,  I  dare  say;  I  don't 
care  for  such  things.      Is  there  nothing  else,   Boots  ?  " 

Boots:  "Yes,  sir,  please,  sir;  Popular  Entertain- 
ment at  Corn  Exchange,  admission  one  penny  ;  gentle- 
men pay  sixpence  to  front  seats,  sir,  if  they  please, 
sir." 


Scotcb  XUit  anO  Ibumcr  195 

Commej-cial :  "Intensely  vulgar!  Are  there  no 
other  amusements  in  this  confoundedly  dull  town?  " 

Boots:  "  Ves,  sir,  please  sir;  railway  station  at 
each  end  of  the  town— walk  down  and  see  the  trains 
come  in." 

A  Descriptive  Hymn 

A  minister  in  Orkney  having  been  asked  by  the 
Rev.  Mr.  Spark,  minister  of  St.  Magnus,  to  conduct 
service  in  his  church,  and  also  to  baptise  his  infant 
daughter,  gave  out  for  singing,  before  the  baptismal 
service,  a  portion  of  the  fifth  paraphrase,  beginning  : 

"As  sparks  in  quick  succession  rise." 

As  Mr.  Spark's  help-mate  was  a  fruitful  vine,  and 
presented  him  with  a  pledge  of  her  affection  every 
year,  the  titter  among  the  congregation  was  unmistak- 
able and  irresistible. 

A  Vigorous   Translation 

"What  is  the  meaning  of  ex  nihilo  nihil  fit?  ^^ 
asked  a  Highlander  of  a  village  schoolmaster. 

"  Weel,  Donald,"  answered  the  dominie,  "  I  dinna 
mind  the  literal  translation  ;  but  it  just  means  that  ye 
canna  tak'  the  breeks  aff  a  Highland-man." 

"  Before  the  Provost !  " 

The  magistrates  of  the  Scottish  burghs,  though 
respectable  men,  are  generally  not  the  wealthiest  in 
their  respective  communities.  And  it  sometimes 
happens,  in  the  case  of  very  poor  and  remote  burghs, 
that  persons  of  a  very  inferior  station  alone  can  be 
induced  to  accept  the  uneasy  dignity  of  the  municipal 
chair. 

An  amusing  story  is  told  regarding  the  town  of 

L ,  in  B shire,  which  is  generally  considered  as 

a  peculiarly  miserable  specimen  of  these  privileged 
townships.       An     English     gentleman     approaching 

L one  day  in  a  gig,  his  horse  started  at  a  heap  of 

dry  wood  and  decayed  branches  of  trees,  which  a 
very  poor-looking  old  man  was  accumulating  upon 
the  road,  apparently  with  the  intention  of  conveying 


196  Scotch  mit  anD  Ibumor 

them  to  town  for  sale  as  firewood.  Tlie  stranger 
immediately  cried  to  the  old  man,  desiring;  him  in  no 
very  civil  terms,  to  clear  the  road  that  his  horse 
might  pass.  The  old  man,  offended  at  the  disrespect- 
ful language  of  the  complainant,  took  no  notice  of 
him,  but  continued  to  hew  away  at  the  trees. 

"  You  old  dog,"  the  gentleman  then  e.xclaimed, 
■"  I'll  have  you  brought  before  the  jirovost,  and  put 
into  ])rison  for  your  disregard  of  the  laws  of  the 
road." 

"Gang  to  tlie  de'il,  man,  wi'  your  provost!"  the 
■woodcutter  contemptuously  replied  ;  "  I'm  provost 
mysel'." 

Denominational  Graves 

For  a  short  time  after  the  disruption,  an  unkindly 
feeling  e.xisted  between  the  ministers  of  the  Estab- 
lished Church  and  their  ]irotesting  brethren.  Several 
"  free  "  parishioners  of  IJlackford,  Perthshire,  waited 
on  Mr.  Clark,  the  established  minister,  and  requested 
that  they  might  have  the  services  of  a  non-Erastian 
sexton. 

"  Will  you  allow  us,  sir,"  said  one  of  the  deputation, 
"  to  dig  our  own  graves  ?  " 

"  Certainly,  gentlemen,"  said  Mr.  Clark,  "you  are 
most  welcome;  and  the  sooner  the  better!" 

Escaping  Punishment 

An  active-looking  boy,  aged  about  twelve  years, 
was  brought  up  before  Provost  Baker,  at  the  Ruther- 
glen  Burgh  Court,  charged  with  breaking  into  gardens 
and  stealing  fruit  therefrom.  The  charge  having 
been  substantiated,  the  magistrate,  addressing  the 
juvenile  offender,  said  in  his  gravest  manner  :  "  If  you 
had  a  garden,  and  pilfering  boys  were  to  break  into 
and  steal  your  property',  in  what  way  would  you  like 
to  have  them  punished  ?  " 

"  Aweel,  sir,"  replied  the  prisoner,  "  I  think  I 
would  let  them  awa'  for  first  time." 

It  is  needless  to  add  that  the  worthy  provost  was 
mollified,  and  that  the  little  fellow  was  dismissed  with 
an  admonition. 


Scotcb  imtt  anO  Ibumor  197 

Passing  Remarks 

"There  she  goes,"  sneered  an  Englishman,  as  a 
Highlander  marched  past  in  his  tartans  at  a  fair. 

"There  she  lies,"  retorted  Duncan,  as  he  knocked 
the  scorner  down  at  a  blow. 

Scottish  Vision  and  Cockney  Chaff 

Two  sharp  j'ouths  from  London,  while  enjoying 
themselves  among  the  heather  in  Argylshire,  met  with 
a  decent-looking  shepherd  upon  the  top  of  a  hill. 
They  accosted  him  by  remarking :  "  You  have  a  fine 
view  here,  friend ;  you  will  be  able  to  see  a  great 
way." 

"  Ou,  ay,  ou,  ay,  a  ferry  great  way." 

"  Ah  !  you  will  see  America  from  here  ?  " 

"  Farther  than  that,"  said  Donald. 

"Ah!  how's  that?" 

"  Ou,  juist  wait  till  the  mists  gang  awa',  an'  you'll 
see  the  mune  !  " 

"The,"  and  "The  Other" 

When  the  chief  of  the  Scottish  clan,  Macnab,  emi- 
grated to  Canada  with  a  hundred  clansmen,  he,  on 
arriving  at  Toronto,  called  on  his  namesake,  the  late 
Sir  Allen,  and  left  his  card  as  "  The  Macnab."  Sir 
Allen  returned  his  visit,  leaving  as  his  card,  "  The 
other  Macnab." 

"Old  Clo'" 

Christopher  North  had  a  great  hatred  of  the  "  old 
clo'  "  men  who  infest  the  streets.  Coming  from  his 
class  one  day,  a  shabby  Irishman  asked  him  in  the 
usual  confidential  manner,  "  Any  old  clo',  sir?" 

"  No  ;  "  replied  the  professor,  imitating  the  whisper ; 
"  no,  my  dear  fellow, — have  you  ?  " 

Church  Popularity 

"  How  is  it,  John,"  said  a  minister  to  his  man, 
"  that  you  never  go  a  message  for  me  anywhere  in  the 
parish  but  you  contrive  to  take  too  much  spirits  ? 
People  don't  offer  me  spirits  when  I'm  making  visits 
in  the  parish." 

"  Weel,  sir,"  said  John,  "  I  canna  precisely  explain 


198  Scotcb  IClit  anJ)  Ibumor 

it,  unless  on  the  supposition  that  I'm  a  wee  bit  maif 
popular  \vi'  some  o'  the  folks  maybe  than  you  are." 

Wersh  Parritch  and  Wersh  Kisses 

Kirsty  and  Jenny,  two  country  lassies,  were  supping 
their  "parritch  "  from  the  same  bicker  in  the  harvest- 
field  one  morning. 

"  Hech,"  said  Kirsty  to  her  neighbor,  "Jenny,  but 
thae's  awfu'  wersh  parritch  !  " 

"'Deed  are  they,"  said  Jenny,  "they  are  that. 
D'ye  ken  what  they  put  nie  in  mind  o'  ?  Just  o'  a 
kiss  frae  a  body  that  ye  diinia  like." 

A  Stranger  in  the  Court  of  Session 

The  "  Daft  Highland  Laird,"  a  noted  character  in 
Edinburgh  at  the  latter  end  of  last  century,  one  day 
accosted  the  Hon.  Henry  Erskine,  as  he  was  enter- 
ing the  Parliament  House.  Erskine  inquired  of  the 
"  laird  "  how  he  did. 

"  Oh,  very  well!"  answered  the  laird;  "but  I'll 
tell  ye  what,  Harry,  tak'  in  Jtistice  wi'  ye,"  pointing 
to  one  of  the  statues  over  the  old  porch  of  the  House  ; 
"  for  she  has  stood  lang  i'  the  outside,  and  it  would 
be  a  treat  to  see  her  inside,  like  other  strangers  !  " 

Wit  and  Humor  Under  Difficulties 

Sandy  Gordon,  the  town-crier  of  Maybole,  was  a 
character  in  his  way.  At  one  period  of  his  life  he 
had  been  an  auctioneer  and  appraiser,  although  his 
"  louring  drouth  "  interfered  sadly  with  the  business, 
but  neither  poverty  nor  misfortune  could  blunt 
Sandy's  relish  for  a  joke.  One  day,  going  down  the 
street  he  encountered  his  son  riding  on  an  ass. 

"  Weel,  Jock,"  quoth  he,  "  you're  a  riding  on  your 
brither." 

"  Ay,  father,"  rejoined  the  son,  "  I  didna  ken  this 
was  ane  o'  yours  tae." 

At  a  neighboring  village  he  had  one  day  sold  his 
shoes  to  slake  his  thirst.  After  the  transactioa  he  was 
discovered  seated  on  the  roadside,  gazing  on  his  bare 
feet,  and  soliloquizing  in  this  strain — "  Step  forrit, 
barefit  Gordon,  if  it's  no'  on  you,  it's  i?i  you." 


Scotcb  XClit  anJ)  Ibumoc  199 

He  was  once  taking  a  walk  into  the  country,  when 
he  met  Sir  David  Hunter  Blair. 

"  Where  are  you  for  to-day,  Gordon?"  asked  the 
baronet. 

"  Sir  David,"  rejoined  the  crier,  with  some  dignity, 
"  if  I  was  to  ask  that  of  you,  you  would  say  I  was 
ill-bred." 

He  had  the  misfortune  once  to  break  his  leg  in  a 
drunken  brawl,  and  a  hastily  constructed  litter  was 
improvised  to  carry  him  home.  Still  his  characteristic 
humor  did  not  leave  him.  "  Canny  boys,"  he  would 
cry  to  those  carrying  him,  "  keep  the  funeral  step  ; 
tak'  care  o'  my  pipe  ;  let  oor  Jock  tae  the  head,  he's 
the  chief  mourner." 

An  Affectionate  Aunt 

A  plain-spoken  old  Scottish  lady,  Mrs.  Wanchope, 
of  Nibbey,  being  very  ill,  sent  for  Aunt  Soph  and 
s;>id  to  her  :  "Soph,  I  believe  I  am  dying;  will  you 
hv.  always  kind  to  my  children  when  I  am  gone?" 

"  Na,  na  ;  tak'  yer  spoilt  deevils  wi'  ye,"  was  the 
r«ply,  "  for  I'll  hae  naething  ado  wi'  them  !  " 

A  Discerning  Fool 

"  Jock,  how  auld  will  ye  be  ?  "  said  a  sage  wife  to 
duft  Jock  Amos  one  day,  when  talking  of  their  ages. 

"  O,  I  dinna  ken,"  said  Jock  ;  "  it  would  tak'  a 
wiser  head  than  mine  to  tell  you  that." 

"  It's  an  unco'  queer  thing  you  dinna  ken  hoo  auld 
you  are,'"  returnecl  the  woman. 

"  I  ken  weel  eneuch  how  auld  I  am,"  answered 
Jock  ;  "  but  I  dinna  ken  how  auld  Fll  be."     [24] 

A  Law  of  Nature 

Principal  Hill  once  encountered  a  fierce  onslaught 
from  the  Rev.  James  Burn  in  the  General  Assembly. 
When  Mr.  Burn  had  concluded  his  attack,  the  profes- 
sor rose,  and  said  with  a  smile  :  "  Moderator,  we  all 
know  that  it  is  most  natural  that  Burns  should  run 
down  Hills." 

The  laugh  was  effectually  raised  against  his  oppo- 
nent, whose  arguments  and  assertions  he  then  pro- 
ceeded to  demolish  at  his  leisure. 


200  Scotcb  Mit  anO  Ibumor 

Ingenious  Remedy  for  Ignorance 
When  a  former  Prince  of  Wales  was  married,  a 
Highland  minister  at  Greenock  was  praying  for  the 
happiness  and  welfare  of  the  royal  couple.  He  was 
somewhat  embarrassed  as  to  how  he  should  join  the 
two  names,  but  at  length  he  got  over  it  thus  : 

"  Lord  bless  //^r  royal  highness  the  Prince  of  Wales, 
and  his  royal  highness  the  she  prince  !  " 

Highland  "  Warldliness  " 
At  a  breakfast  there  was  abundance  of  Highland 
cheer,  towering  dishes  of  scones,  oatcakes,  an  enor- 
mous cheese,  fish  eggs  and  a  monstrous  grey-beard  of 
whiskey  ready,  if  required ;  fumes  of  tobacco  were 
floating  in  the  air,  and  the  whole  seemed  an  embodi- 
ment of  the  Highlander's  grace,  "  Oh,  gie  us  rivers  of 
whiskey,  chau'ders  o'  snuff,  and  tons  o'  tobacco, 
pread  an'  a  cheese  as  pig  as  the  great  hill  of  Ben 
Nevis,  and  may  our  chiller's  childer  be  lords  and 
lairds  to  the  latest  sheneration."  On  repeating  this 
grace  to  an  old  hillsman  of  eighty,  leaning  on  his 
stick,  he  thoughtfully  answered  :  "  Weel,  it's  a  goot 
grace— a  very  goot  grace— but  it's  a  warldly  thing  !  " 

A  Paradox 
On  Henry  Erskine  being  told  that  Knox,  who  had 
long  derived  his  livelihood  by  keei)ing  the  door  of  the 
Parliament  House,  had  been  killed  by  a  shot  from  a 
small  cannon  on  the  king's  birthday,  he  observed  that 
"it  was  remarkable  that  a  man  should  live  by  the 
civil  and  die  by  the  can(;<)on  law." 

A  Sensible  Lass 
A  Scottish  gentleman,  while  walking  in  a  meadow 
with  some  ladies,  had  the  impudence  to  snatch  a  kiss 
from  one,  unperceived  by  the  rest.     She  said  indig- 
nantly,  "  Sir,  I  am  not  accustomed  to  such  freedom." 
"  It  will  be  the  greater  rarity,  then,  madam." 
She  flew  from  him,  and    ran   towards  her  mother, 
who,  alarmed  at  her  seeming  terror,  inquired  what 
was  the  cause. 


Scotcb  XCltt  anD  Ibiimor  201 

"She  has  taken  fright  at  a  rash  buss,"  said  the 
gentleman. 

"  O,  }-e  idiot,"  said  the  mother,  "go  back  this 
instant." 

She  returned,  smiling,  and  said,  "  Do't  again,  it's 
no'  forbidden." 

A  Sad   Loss 

An  old  lady  was  telling  her  grandchildren  about 
some  trouble  in  Scotland,  in  the  course  of  which  the 
chief  of  her  clan  was  beheaded. 

"  It  was  nae  great  thing  of  a  head,  bairns,  to  be 
sure,"  said  the  good  lady,  "but  it  was  a  sad  loss  to 
him." 

Catechising 

The  minister  called  in  upon  the  gudewife  at  Corset 
Hill  one  night,  for  the  purpose  of  catechising  her. 

"What  is  the  Lord's  Supper,  Peggy  ?  "  he  inquired. 

"'Deed,  sir,"  said  the  hostel  wife,  more  intent  on 
matters  temporal  than  on  things  spiritual,  "there's 
hae  lords  come  this  way ;  but  I'se  tell  ye  what  a  cad- 
ger's supper  is — it's  just  a  groat  ;  and  what  they  leave 
at  night  they  tak'  awa'  wi'  them  in  their  pouch  in  the 
morning." 

Lord  Cockburn  Confounded 

One  day  Lord  Cockburn  went  into  the  Second 
Division  of  the  Court  of  Session,  but  came  out  again 
very  hurriedly,  meeting  Lord  Jeffrey  at  the  door. 

"  Do  you  see  any  paleness  about  my  face,  Jeffrey  ?" 
asked  Cockburn. 

"No,"  replied  Jeffrey;  "I  hope  you're  well 
enough." 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  the  other  ;  "but  I  have  just 
heard  Bolus  (Lord  Justice-Clerk  Bo\-le)  say:  'I  for 
one  am  of  opinion  that  this  case  is  founded  on  the 
fundamental  basis  of  a  quadrilateral  contract,  the 
four  sides  of  which  are  agglutinated  by  adhesion  !  '  " 

"  I  think,  Cockburn,"  said  Jeffrey  "that  you  had 
better  go  home." 


202  Scotcb  vQtt  auD  Ibumct 

"  No  Compliments  " 

An  aged  divine  had  occasionally  to  avail  himself  of 
the  assistance  of  probationers.  One  day,  a  young 
man,  verj'  vain  of  his  accomplishments  as  a  preacher, 
officiated,  and,  on  descending  from  the  pulpit,  was 
met  by  the  old  gentleman  witli  extended  hands. 
Expecting  high  praise,  he  said,  "  No  compliments,  I 
pray." 

"  Na,  na,  na,  my  young  friend,"  said  the  mmister, 
"  nowadays  I'm  glad  o'  onybody  !  " 

A  Sensible  Servant 

A  very  old  domestic  servant  of  the  familiar  Scottish 
character  common  long  ago,  having  offended  his  mas- 
ter extremely,  was  commanded  to  leave  his  service 
instantly. 

"In  troth,  and  that  will  I  not,"  answered  the 
domestic;  "if  your  honor  disna  ken  when  ye  hae  a 
gude  servant,  I  ken  when  I  hae  a  gude  master,  and 
go  away  I  will  not." 

On  another  occasion  of  the  same  nature  the  ma:5- 
ter  said,  "John,  you  and  I  shall  never  sleep  under 
the  same  roof  again  ",  to  which  John  replied,  wiiih 
much  naivete,  "Where  the  deil  can  your  honor  l<e 
ganging?" 

A  Lesson  in  Manners 

William  Martin  was  at  one  time  a  book  auctioneer 
in  Edinburgh.  He  was  no  great  scholar,  and  occa- 
sionally made  some  humorous  blunders  during  the 
exercise  of  his  vocation.  One  night  he  made  a  clumsy 
attempt  to  unravel  the  title  of  a  French  book.  A 
3'oung  dandy,  wishing  to  have  the  laugh  at  Martin's 
expense,  aslied  him  to  read  the  title  again,  as  he  did 
not  quite  understand  him. 

"Oh!"  said  Martin,  "it's  something  about  man- 
ners, and  that's  what  neither  you  nor  me  has  ower 
muckle  o'." 

A  Magnanimous  Cobbler 

At  a  certain  country  election  of  a  member  of  Par- 
liament in  the  Highlands,  the  popular  candidate 
waited  on  a  shoemaker  to  solicit  his  vote. 


Scotcb  Mit  ano  Ibumor  203 

"Get  out  of  my  house,  sir,"  said  the  shoemaker; 
and  the  gentleman  was  forced  to  retire  accordingly. 
The  cobbler,  however,  followed  him  and  called  him 
back,  saying,  "  You  turned  me  off  from  your  estate, 
sir,  and  I  was  determined  to  turn  you  out  of  my 
house;  but  for  all  that,  I'll   give  you  my  vote." 

How  Greyhounds  are  Produced 

At  a  certain  mansion,  notorious  for  its  scanty  fare, 
a  gentleman  was  inquiring  of  the  gardener  about  a 
dog  which  he  had  given  to  the  laird  some  time  before. 
The  gardener  showed  him  a  lank  greyhound,  on 
which  the  gentleman  said  :  "  No,  no  ;  the  dog  I  gave 
your  master  was  a  mastiff,  not  a  greyhound";  to 
which  the  gardener  quietly  answered  : 

•'  Indeed,  sir,  ony  dog  would  soon  be  turned  into  a 
greyhound  if  it  stoppit  lang  here." 

Vanity  Scathingly  Reproved 

Burns  was  dining  with  Maxwell  of  Terraughty, 
when  one  of  the  guests  chose  to  talk  of  the  dukes  and 
earls  with  whom  he  had  drank  or  dined,  till  the  host 
and  others  got  tired  of  him.  Burns,  however,  silenced 
him  with  an  epigram  : 

"  What  of  earls,  with  whom  you  have  supped  ? 
And  of  dukes,  that  you  dined  with  j'estreen  ? 
Lord  !  a  louse,  sir,  is  still  but  a  louse, 
Though  it  crawls  on  the  curls  of  a  queen." 

Gratifying  Industry ! 

In  Galloway  large  craigs  are  met  with  having 
ancient  writing  on  them.  One  on  the  farm  of 
Knockleby  has,  cut  deep  on  the  upper  side  : 

"  Lift  me  up  and  I'll  tell  j-ou  more." 

A  number  of  people  gathered  to  this  craig,  and 
succeeded  in  lifting  it  up,  in  hopes  of  being  well 
repaid  ;  but,  instead  of  finding  any  gold,  they  found 
written  on  it  : 

"  Lay  me  down  as  I  was  before.  " 


204  Scotcb  Ulit  anO  Ibumor 

The  Force  of  Habit 

Some  years  ago  a  Scotch  gentleman,  who  went  to 
London  for  tiie  first  time,  took  the  uppermost  story  of 
a  lodging-house,  and  was  very  much  surprised  to  get 
what  he  thought  the  genteelest  place  of  the  whole  at 
the  lowest  price.  His  friends  who  came  to  see  him, 
in  vain  acquainted  him  with  the  mistake  he  had  been 
guilty  of. 

"  He  ken't  very  weel,"  he  said,  "  what  gentility 
was  ;  and  after  having  lived  all  his  life  in  a  sixth 
story,  he  had  not  come  to  London  to  live  upon  the 
ground." 

Significant  Advice 

A  church  in  the  north  country  which  required  a 
pastor  had  a  beadle  who  took  an  active  interest  in  all 
the  proceedings  taken  to  fill  up  the  vacancy. 

One  of  the  candidates,  after  the  afternoon  service 
was  over,  jiut  off  his  cloak  in  the  vestry  and  slipped 
into  the  church,  in  which  our  worthy  was  just  putting 
things  to  rights. 

"  I  was  just  taking  a  look  at  the  church,"  said  the 
minister. 

"  Ay,  tak'  a  guid  look  at  it,"  said  the  beadle,  "  for 
it's  no'  likely  ye' 11  ever  see't  again." 

A  "  Wigging  " 

Tiie  Rev.  Dr.  Macleod  (father  of  the  late  Dr. 
Norman  Macleod)  was  proceeding  to  open  a  new 
place  of  worshi]). 

As  he  passed  slowly  and  gravely  through  the  crowd 
gathered  about  the  doors,  an  elderly  man,  with  the 
peculiar  kind  of  a  wig  known  in  that  district — bright, 
smooth  and  of  a  reddish  brown — accosted  hini : 

"  Doctor,  if  you  please,  I  wish  to  speak  to  you." 

"Well,  Duncan,"  said  the  venerable  doctor,  "can 
ye  not  wait  till  after  worship?" 

"  No,  doctor ;  I  must  speak  to  you  now,  for  it  is  a 
matter  upon  my  conscience." 

"  Oh,  since  it  is  a  matter  of  conscience,  tell  me 
what  it  is ;  but  be  brief,  Duncan,  for  time  presses." 

"  The  matter  is  this,  doctor.      Ye   see   the    clock 


Scotcb  TlClit  anCi  Ibumoc  205 

yonder  on  the  face  of  the  new  clnirch?  Well,  there 
is  no  clock  really  there — nothing  hnt  the  face  of  the 
clock.  There  is  no  truth  in  it,  Init  only  once  in  the 
twelve  hours.  Now  it  is,  in  my  mind,  very  wrong, 
and  quite  against  my  conscience,  that  there  should  be 
a  lie  on  the  face  of  the  house  of  the  Lord." 

"  Duncan,  I  will  consider  the  point.  I  am  glad  to 
see  you  looking  so  well.  You  are  not  young  now  ; 
I  remember  you  for  many  years  ;  and  what  a  fine  head 
of  hair  you  have  still !  " 

"  Eh,  doctor,  you  are  joking  now  ;  it  is  long  since  I 
have  had  my  hair." 

"  Oh,  Duncan,  Duncan,  are  you  going  into  the  house 
of  the  Lord  with  a  lie  upon  your  head?" 

This  settled  the  question,  and  the  doctor  heard  no 
more  of  the  lie  on  the  face  of  the  clock. 

A  Poacher's  Prayer 

Jamie  Hamilton,  a  noted  poacher  at  Crawfordjohn, 
was  once  asked  by  a  woman  to  pray  for  a  poor  old 
woman  who  was  lying  at  the  point  of  death. 

"  I  canna  pray,"  said  he. 

"  But  ye  maun  do"t,  Jamie,"  said  the  woman. 

"Weel,  if  I  maun  do't,  I  maun  do't,  but  I  haena 
muckle  to  say,"  said  Jamie. 

Being  placed  beside  the  dying  woman,  the  poacher, 
with  thoughts  more  intent  upon  hares  than  prayers, 
said  "  O  Lord,  thou  kens  best  Thyself  how  the  case 
stands  between  Thee  and  auld  Eppie :  but  sin'  ye 
hae  baith  the  haft  and  the  blade  in  your  ain  hand, 
just  guide  the  gully  as  best  suits  Thy  ain  glory  and 
her  guid.     Amen  1  " 

Could  a  bishop  have  said  more  in  as  few  words  ? 

Broader  than  He  was  Long 

Mr.  Dale,  whose  portrait  figures  in  Kay,  was  very 
short  in  stature,  and  also  very  stout. 

Having  mentioned  to  a  friend  one  day  that  "  he 
had  slipped  on  the  ice,  and  fallen  all  his  length  " — 

"Be  thankful,  sir,"  was  the  consolatory  and  apt 
reply,  "that  it  was  not  all  your  breadth  !  " 


206  scotcb  Ulit  aiiD  Ibumor 

"  Prayer,  with  Thanksgiving" 

On  one  occasion,  a  clergyman  eminent  for  his  piety 
and  simplicity  of  heart,  but  also  noted  for  his  great 
eccentricity  of  character,  surprised  his  hearers  by 
introducing  the  following  ])assage  into  one  of  liis 
prayers  :  "  Oh  Lord  !  we  desire  to  ofTer  our  grateful 
thanks  unto  Thee  for  the  seasonable  relief  which  Thou 
has  sent  to  the  poor  of  this  place,  from  thine  inex- 
haustible storeh<juse  in  the  great  deep,  and  which 
every  day  we  hear  called  upon  our  streets,  '  Fine 
fresh  herrings,  sax  a  pennj'  !  sax  a  penny  ! '  " 

An  Extra  Shilling  to  Avoid  a  Calamity 

A  farmer  having  buried  his  wife,  waited  upon  the 
grave-digger  who  had  performed  the  necessary  duties, 
to  pay  him  fees.  Being  of  a  niggardly  disposition,  he 
endeavored  to  get  the  knight  of  the  spade  to  abate  his 
charges. 

The  patience  of  the  latter  becoming  exhausted,  he 
grasped  his  shovel  impulsively,  and,  with  an  angry 
look,  exclaimed  :  "  Doon  wi'  another  shillin',  or — up 
she  comes  !  "     The  threat  had  the  desired  effect. 

Putting  off  a  Duel  and  Avoiding  a  Quarrel 

At  a  convivial  meeting  of  the  Golfing  Society  at 
Bruntsfield  Links,  Edinburgh,  on  one  occasion,  a  Mr. 
Megget  took  offence  at  something  wiiich  Mr.  Braid- 
wood,  father  of  the  lamented  superintendent  of  the 
London  Fire  Brigade,  had  said.  Being  highly  incensed, 
he  desired  the  latter  to  follow  him  to  tlie  Links,  and 
he  "  would  do  for  him." 

Without  at  all  disturbing  himself,  Mr.  Braidwood 
pleasantly  replied  :  Mr.  Megget,  if  ycni  will  be  so 
good  as  to  go  out  to  the  Links,  and  zcalt  till  / <o)iie,  1 
will  be  very  much  obliged  to  you." 

This  produced  a  general  burst  of  laughter,  in  which 
his  antagonist  could  not  refrain  from  joining  ;  and  it 
had  the  effect  of  restoring  him  to  good  humor  for  the 
remainder  of  the  evening. 


Scotcb  "Wait  anD  Ibumor  207 

A  Test  of   Literary  Appreciation 

Dr.  Ranken,  of  Glasgow,  wrote  a  very  ponderous 
History  of  France.  Wishing  to  learn  how  it  was 
appreciated  by  the  public,  lie  went  to  Stirling's  Library 
incognito,  and  inquired  "  if  Dr.  Ranken's  History 
of  France  was  in  ?  " 

Mr.  Peat,  the  caustic  librarian,  curtly  replied  :  "  In  ! 
it  never  was  out !  " 

Ornithology 

"Pray,  Lord  Robertson,"  said  a  lady  to  that  emi- 
nent lawyer  at  a  party,  "can  you  tell  nie  what  sort  of 
a  bird  the  bul-bul  is?  " 

"  I  suppose,  ma'am,"  replied  the  humorous  judge, 
"  it  is  the  male  of  the  coo-coo." 

A  Practical  View  of  Matrimony 
"  Fat's   this    I   hear    ye're    gaun  to  dee,  Jeannie," 

said  an  Aberdeen  lass  to  another  young  woman. 

"  Weel,  Maggie,  lass,  I'm  just  gaun  to  marry  that 

farm  ower  by  there,  and  live  wi'  the  bit  mannie  on't." 

Winning  the  Race  Instead  of  the  Battle 
When  Sir  John  Copse  fled  from  Dunbar,  the  fleet- 
iiess  of  his  horse  carried  him  foremost,  upon  which  a 
sarcastic  Scotsman  complimented  him  by  saying, 
"  Deed,  sir,  but  ye  hae  won  the  race  :  win  the  battle 
wha  like!" 

"After  You,  Leddies  " 
Will  Hamilton,  the  "  daft  man  o'  Ayr,"  was  once 
hanging  about  the  vicinity  of  a  loch,  which  was  parti- 
ally frozen.  Three  young  ladies  were  deliberating  as 
to  whether  they  should  venture  upon  the  ice,  when 
one  of  them  suggested  that  Will  should  be  asked  to 
walk  on  first.     The  proj^osal  was  made  to  him. 

"Though  I'm  daft,  I'm  no'  ill-bred,"  quickly  re- 
sponded Will ;  "  after  you,  leddies  1  " 

"Ursa  Major" 

Boswell  expatiating  to  his  father,  Lord  Auchinleck, 
on  the  learning  and  othei  qualities  of  Dr.  Johnson, 
concluded  by  saying,  "  He  is  the  grand  luminary  of 
our  hemisphere — quite  a  constellation,  sir." 

"Ursa  Major,  I  suppose,"  dryly  responded  the  judge. 


208  Scotch  imit  anO  Ibumor 

Sheridan's  Pauses 

A  Scottisli  minister  had  visited  London  in  tlie  early 
part  of  the  present  century,  and  seen,  anions  other 
tricks  of  pulpit  oratory,  "Sheridan's  Pauses"  exhib- 
ited. During  his  first  sermon,  after  his  return  home,  he 
took  occasion  at  the  termination  of  a  very  imi^assioned 
and  highly  wrouglit  sentence  or  paragrai)h,  to  stop 
suddenly,  and   ])ause  in  "  luute  unbreathing  silence." 

The  precentor,  who  had  taken  advantage  of  his 
imiuemorial  privilege  to  sleep  out  the  sermon,  imag- 
ining, from  the  cessation  of  sound,  that  the  discourse 
was  actually  brought  to  a  close,  started  u]),  with  some 
degree  of  agitation,  and  in  an  audible,  tiiough  some- 
what tremulous  voice  read  out  his  usual,  "  Remember 
in  prayer " 

"  Hoot  man  !  "  exclaimed  the  good-natured  orator 
over  his  head,  i)lacing  at  the  same  time  his  hand  upon 
his  shoulder  :  '•  hout,  Jamie,  man,  what's  the  matter 
wi'  ye  the  day  ;  d'ye  no  ken  I  hae  nae  done  yet? — 
That's  only  ane  o'  Sheridan's  pauses,  man  !  " 

Absent  in  Mind,  and  Body,  Too 

The  Rev.  John  Duncan,  the  Hebrew  scholar,  was 
very  absent-minded,  and  many  curious  stories  are 
told  of  this  awkward  failing. 

On  one  occasion  he  had  arranged  to  preach  in  a 
certain  church  a  few  miles  from  Aberdeen. 

He  set  out  on  a  pony  in  good  time,  but  when  near 
the  end  of  his  journey  he  felt  a  desire  to  take  a  jiinch 
of  snuff.  The  wind,  however,  blowing  in  his  face,  he 
turnetl  the  head  of  the  i)ony  round,  the  better  to  enjoy 
the  lu.xury.  Pocketing  his  snuff-bo.x,  he  started  the 
pony  without  again  turning  it  in  the  proper  direction, 
and  did  not  discover  his  error  until  he  found  himself 
in  Union  Street,  Aberdeen,  at  the  very  time  he  ought 
to  have  entered  the  puljjit  seven  miles  off. 

On  another  occasion  he  was  invited  to  dinner  at  the 
house  of  a  friend,  and  was  shown  into  a  bedroom  to 
wash  his  hands. 

After  a  long  delay,  as  he  did  not  appear,  his  friend 
went  to  the  room,  and,  behold  !  there  lay  the  professor 
snugly  in  bed,  and  fast  asleep  ! 


Scotcb  Mit  an&  Ibumor  209 

Prof.  Aytoun's  Courtship 

After  Prof.  Aytoun  liad  made  proposals  of  marriage 
to  Miss  Emily  Jane  Wilson,  daughter  of  "  Christopher 
North,"  he  was,  as  a  matter  of  course,  referred  to  her 
father.  As  Aytoun  was  uncommonly  diffident,  he  said 
to  her,  "  Emily,  my  dear,  you  must  speak  to  him  for 
me.  I  could  not  summon  courage  to  speak  to  the 
professor  on  this  subject." 

"  Papa  is  in  the  library,"  said  the  lady. 

"  Then  you  had  better  go  to  him,"  said  the  suitor, 
"  and  I'll  wait  here  for  you." 

There  being  apparently  no  help  for  it,  the  lady  pro- 
ceeded to  the  library,  and  taking  her  father  affection- 
ately by  the  hand,  mentioned  that  Aytoun  had  asked 
her  in  marriage.  She  added,  "  Shall  I  accept  this 
offer,  papa  ;  he  is  so  shy  and  diffident,  that  he  cannot 
speak  to  you  himself." 

"  Then  we  must  deal  tenderly  with  him,"  said  the 
hearty  old  man.  "  I'll  write  my  reply  on  a  slip  of 
paper,  and  pin  it  on  your  back." 

"  Papa's  answer  is  on  the  back  of  my  dress,"  said 
Miss  Wilson,  as  she  re-entered  the  drawing-room. 

Turning  round,  the  delighted  swain  read  these 
words:  "  With  the  author's  compliments." 

A  Sad  Drinking  Bout 

The  following  story  of  an  occurrence  at  one  of  the 
drinking  bouts  in  Scotland,  at  which  the  Laird  of 
Garscadden  took  his  last  draught,  has  often  been  told, 
but  it  will  bear  repetition.  The  scene  occurred  in  the 
wee  clachan  of  Law,  where  a  considerable  immber  of 
Kilpatrick  lairds  had  congregated  for  the  ostensible 
purpose  of  talking  over  some  parish  business.  And 
well  they  talked  and  better  drank,  when  one  of  them, 
about  the  dawn  of  the  morning,  fi.xing  his  eye  on 
Garscadden,  remarked  that  he  was  "  looking  unco' 
gash." 

Upon  which  the  Laird  of  Kilmardinny  coolly  replied, 
"  Deil  mean  him,  since  he  has  been  wi'  his  Maker 
these  twa  hours  !  I  saw  him  step  awa',  but  I  dinna 
like  to  disturb  guid  company  !  " 

14 


210  Scotcb  Wit  anD  Ibumor 

The  following  epitaph  on  tliis  celebrated  Baccha- 
nalian plainly  indicates  that  he  was  held  in  no  great 
estimation  among  his  neighbors  : 

"  Beneath  this  stane  lies  auld  Garscad, 
Wha  lived  a  neighbor  very  bad  ; 
Now,  how  he  finds  and  how  he  fares, 
The  dcil  ane  kens,  and  deil  ane  cares." 

Not  Surprised 

Benjamin  Greig,  one  of  the  last  specimens  of  tie- 
wig  and  powder  gentry,  and  a  rich  old  curmudgeon 
to  boot,  one  day  entered  the  shop  of  Mr.  Walker — 
better  known,  however,  by  the  nickname  of  "  Sugar 
Jock  " — and  accosting  him,  said,  "  Are  you  no'  muckle 
astonished  to  hear  that  Mr.  L has  left  /2o,ooo  ?  " 

"  Weel,  Mr.  Greig,"  replied  "  Sugar,"  "  I  wad  hae 
been  mair  astonished  to  hear  that  he  had  ta'en  it  wi' 
him." 

Greig  gave  a  grunt  and  left  the  shop. 

The  Best  Crap 

A  baby  was  out  with  its  nurse,  who  walked  it  up 
and  down  a  garden. 

"  Is't  a  laddie  or  a  lassie,  Jess  ?  "  asked  the  gar- 
dener. 

"  A  laddie,"  said  the  maid. 

"Weel,"  said  he,  "  I'm  glad  o'  that;  there's  ower 
mony  lasses  in  tlie  world  already." 

"  Hech,  man,"  said  Jess,  "  div  ye  no  ken  there's 
aye  maist  sawn  o'  the  best  crap?" 

A  Marriage  "  Not  Made  in  Heaven 
Watty  Marshall  was  a  simjile,  useless,  good-for- 
notiiing  body,  who  somehow  or  other  got  married  to 
a  terrible  shrew  of  a  wife.  Finding  out  that  she  had 
made  a  bad  bargain,  she  resolved  to  have  tlie  best  of 
it,  and  accordingly  abused  and  thrashed  her  luckless 
s|)ouse  to  such  an  e.xtent  that  he,  in  despair,  went  to 
the  minister  to  get  unmarried. 

The  parson  told  him  that  he  could  do  him  no  such 
service  as  marriages  were  made  in  heaven. 


Scotcb  Tldit  anD  "Ibumor  211 

'*  Made  in  heaven,  sir,"  cried  Watty;  "  it's  a  lee! 
I  was  niarriet  i'  your  ain  kitchen,  wi'  your  twa  ser- 
vant hizzies  looking  on  !  I  doubt  ye  hae  made  an 
awfu'  mistake  wi'  my  marriage,  sir,  for  the  muckle 
fire  that  was  bleezing  at  the  time  made  it  look  far 
mair  like  the  other  place !  What  a  life  I'll  hae  to  lead, 
baith  in  this  world  and  the  next,  for  that  blunder  o' 
yours,  minister  !  " 

"Another  Opportunity" 

An  old  gentleman  named  Scott  was  engaged  in  the 
"  affair  of  the '15  "  (the  Rebellion  of  1715)  and  with 
some  difficulty  was  saved  from  the  gallows  by  the 
intercession  by  the  Duchess  of  Buccleuch  and  Mon- 
mouth. Her  grace,  who  maintained  considerable 
authority  over  lier  clan,  sent  for  the  object  of  her 
intercession  and,  warning  him  of  the  risk  which  he 
had  run  and  the  trouble  she  had  taken  on  his  account, 
wound  up  her  lecture  by  intimating  that,  in  case  of 
such  disloyalty  again,  he  was  not  to  expect  her  interest 
in  his  favor. 

"  An'  it  please  your  grace,"  said  the  stout  old  Tory, 
*'  I  fear  I  am  too  old  to  see  another  opportunity." 

A  Night  in  a  Coal-cellar 

One  night,  sitting  later  than  usual,  sunk  in  the  pro- 
fundities of  a  great  folio  tome,  the  Rev.  Dr.Wightman 
of    Kirkmahol    imagined    he    heard    a  sound    in    the 
kitchen  inconsistent  with  the  quietude  and  security  of 
a  manse,  and  so  taking   his   candle   he  proceeded   to 
investigate  the  cause.      His   foot  being  heard   in  the 
lobby,  the  housekeeper  began  with  all  earnestness  to 
cover  the  fire,  as  if  preparing  for  bed. 
"  Ye' re  late  up  to-night,  Mary." 
"  I'm  jist  rakin'  the  fire,  sir,  and  gaun  to  bed." 
"  That's  right,  Mary  ;   I  like  timeous  hours." 
On  his  way  back  to   the   study  he  passed  the  coal- 
closet,  and,  turning  the   key,  took  it  witli  him.      Next 
morning,  at  an  early  hour,  there  was  a  rap   at  his 
bedroom  door,  and   a   request    for   the   key  to   put  a 
fire  on. 

"  Ye're  too  soon  up,  Mary  ;  go  back  to  your  bed  yet." 


21-2  Scotcb  Tlllit  anO  Ibumor 

Half  an  hour  later  there  was  another  knock,  and  a 
similar  request  in  order  to  prepare  the  breakfast. 

"  I  don't  want  breakfast  so  soon,  Mary  ;  go  back  to 
your  bed." 

Another  half  an  hour  and  another  knock  with  an 
entreat}^  for  the  key,  as  it  was  washing  day.  This 
was  enough.  He  rose  and  handed  out  the  key  saying, 
"  go  and  let  the  man  out." 

Mary's  sweetheart  had  been  imprisoned  all  night 
in  the  coal-closet,  as  the  minister  shrewdly  suspected, 
and,  Pyramis-and-Thisbe-like,  they  had  breathed 
their  love  to  each  other  through  the  key-hole.      [25] 

Not  Quite  an  Ass 

James  Boswell,  the  biographer  of  Dr.  Johnson,  was 
distinguished  in  his  ])rivate  life  by  his  humor  and 
power  of  repartee.  He  has  been  described  as  a  man 
in  whose  face  it  was  impossible  at  any  time  to  look 
without  being  inclined  to  laugh.  The  following  is 
one  of  his  good  things  :  As  he  was  jjleading  one  day 
at  the  Scotch  bar  before  his  father,  Lord  Auchinleck, 
who  was  at  that  time  what  is  called  Ordinary  on  the 
Bills  (judge  of  cases  in  the  first  stage),  the  testy  old 
senator,  offended  at  something  his  son  said,  peevishly 
exclaimed  :   "Jamie,  ye're  an  ass,  man." 

"Not  exactly,  my  lord,"  answered  the  junior; 
"  only  a  colt,  the  foal  of  an  ass." 

A  Cute  Gaoler 

Before  the  adoption  of  the  police  act  in  Airdrie,  a 

worthy  named  Geordie  G had  the  surveillance  of 

the  town.  A  drunken,  noisy  Irishman  was  lodged  in 
a  cell,  who  caused  an  "  awful  row  "  by  kicking  at  the 
cell-door  with  his  heavy  boots.  Geordie  went  to  the 
cell,  and  opening  the  door  a  little,  said  : 

"  Man,  ye  niicht  jnit  aff  yer  buits,  and  I'll  gie  them 
a  bit  rub,  so  that  ye' 11  be  respectable  like  afore  the 
bailie  in  the  mornin'." 

The  prisoner  complied  with  his  request,  and  saw 
his  mistake  only  when  the  door  was  closed  upon  him, 
Geordie  crying  out  : 

"  Ye  can  kick  as  lang  as  ye  like,  noo." 


Scotcb  milt  anD  Ibumor  213 

Not  Qualified  to  Baptize 
The  only  atnusement  in  wnich  Ralph  Erskine,  the 
father  of  the  Scottish  Secession,  indulged,  was  play- 
ing the  violin.  He  was  so  great  a  proficient  on  this 
instrument,  and  so  often  beguiled  his  leisure  hours 
with  it,  that  the  people  of  Dumfermline  believed  he 
comijosed  his  sermons  to  its  tones,  as  a  poet  writes  a 
song  to  a  particular  air.  They  also  tell  the  following 
anecdote  connected  with  the  subject : 

A  poor  man  in  one  of  the  neighboring  parishes, 
having  a  child  to  baptize,  resolved  not  to  employ  his 
own  clergyman,  with  whom  he  was  at  issue  on  certain 
points  of  doctrine,  but  to  have  the  office  performed 
by  some  minister  of  whose  tenets  fame  gave  a  better 
report. 

With  the  child  in  his  arms,  therefore,  and  attended 
by  the  full  complement  of  old  and  young  women  who 
usually  minister  on  such  occasions,  he  proceeded  to 

the   manse  of  ,  some  miles  off  (not  that  of  Mr. 

Erskine),  where  he  inquired  if  the  clergyman  was  at 
home. 

"  Na  ;  he's  no'  at  hame  yeenoo,"  answered  the  ser- 
t'ant  lass  ;  "  he's  down  the  burn  fishing ;  but  I  can 
ioon  cry  him  in." 

"Yeneednagie  yoursel' the  trouble,"  replied  the 
.nan,  quite  shocked  at  this  account  of  the  minister's 
habits  ;  "  nane  o'  your  fishin'  ministers  shall  bapteeze 
my  bairn." 

Off  he  then  trudged,  followed  by  his  whole  train,  to 
the  residence  of  another  parochial  clergyman,  at  the 
distance  of  some  miles.  Here,  on  inquiring  if  the 
minister  was  at  home,  the  lass  answered  : 

"'Deed  he's  no' at  home  the  day,  he's  been  out 
since  sax  '  the  morning  at  the  shooting.  Ye  needna 
wait,  neither  ;  for  he'll  be  sae  made  out  when  he 
comes  back,  that  he'll  no'  be  able  to  say  bo  to  a  calf, 
let-a-be  kirsen  a  wean  !  " 

"  Wait,  lassie  !  "  cried  the  man  in  a  tone  of  indig- 
nant scorn  ;  "  wad  I  wait,  d'ye  think,  to  baud  up  my 
bairn  before  a  minister  that  gangs  oot  at  six  i'  the 
morning  to  shoot  God's  creatures?     I'll  awa  down  to 


214  Scctcb  XOit  anD  Toumcr 

gude  Mr.  Erskine  at  Dumfermline ;  and  he'll  be 
neither  out  at  the  fishing  nor  shooting,   I  think." 

The  whole  baptismal  train  then  set  off  for  Dum- 
fermline, sure  that  the  Father  of  the  Secession, 
although  not  now  a  i)laced  minister,  would  at  least  be 
engaged  in  no  unclerical  sports,  to  incapacitate  him 
for  performing  the  sacred  ordinance  in  question. 

On  their  arriving,  however,  at  the  house  of  the 
clergyman,  which  they  did  not  do  until  late  in  the 
evening,  the  man,  on  rapping  at  the  door,  anticipated 
that  he  would  not  be  at  home  any  more  than  his 
brethren,  as  he  heard  the  strains  of  a  fiddle  proceed- 
ing from  the  upper  chamber.  "  The  minister  will  not 
be  at  home,"  he  said,  with  a  sly  smile  to  the  girl  who 
came  to  the  door,  "  or  your  lad  wadna  be  playing  that 
gait  t'ye  on  the  fiddle." 

"  The  minister  is  at  hame,"  quoth  the  girl  ;  "  mair 
by  token,  it's  himsel'  that's  playing,  honest  man;  he 
aye  takes  a  tune  at  night,  before  he  gangs  to  bed. 
Faith,  there's  nae  lad  o'  mine  can  play  that  gait ;  it 
wad  be  something  to  tell  if  ony  o'  them  could." 

"  T/ia/  the  minister  playing!"  cried  the  man  in  a 
degree  of  astonishment  and  horror  far  transcending 
what  he  had  expressed  on  either  of  the  former  occa- 
sions. "If  he  does  this,  what  may  the  rest  no'  do? 
Weel,  I  fairly  gie  them  u])  a'thegither.  I  have  trav- 
eled this  haill  day  in  search  o'  a  godly  minister,  and 
never  man  met  wi'  mair  disappointment  in  a  day's 
journey.  "I'll  tell  ye  what,  gudewife,"  he  added, 
turning  to  the  disconsolate  party  behind,  "  we'll  just 
awa'  back  to  our  ain  minister  after  a'.  He's  no' 
a'thegither  sound,  it's  true;  butlet  him  be  what  he 
likes  in  doctrine,  deil  hae  me  if  ever  I  kenk  him  fish, 
shoot,  or  play  on  the  fiddle  a'  his  days  !  ' 

One  Scotchman  Outwrjtted  by  Another 
Some  years  since,  before  the  sale  of  game  was  lejal- 
ized,  and  a  present  of  it  was  thought  worth  the  expeTise 
of  carriage,  an  Englishman  who  had  rented  a  moor 
within  twenty  miles  of  Aberdeen,  wishing  to  send  a 
ten  brace  box  of  grouse  to  his  friends  in  the  south, 
directed  his  gilly  to  procure  a  person  to  take  the  box 


Scotcb  lait  an^  Unimor  215 

to  tlie  capital  of  tlie  nortli,  from  whence  tlie  London 
steamer  sailed.  Not  one,  however,  of  the  miserably 
])oor  tenants  in  the  neighborhood  could  be  found  who 
would  take  the  box  for  a  less  sum  than  eight  shillings. 
This  demand  was  thought  so  unreasonable,  that  the 
Englishman  comjjlained  to  a  Scotch  friend  who  was 
shooting  along  with  him. 

The  Scotchman  replied  that  "the  natives  always 
make  a  point  of  imposing  as  much  as  possible  upon 
strangers  ;  but,"  he  said  "  if  you  will  leave  it  to  me,  I 
will  manage  it  for  you  ;  for  with  all  their  knavery, 
they  are  the  simplest  people  under  the  sun." 

A  few  days  afterwards,  going  out  shooting,  they  saw 
a  man  loading  his  cart  with  peals,  when  the  Scotch- 
man, ajjproaching  him,  said,  after  the  usual  saluta- 
tion— "  What  are  you  going  to  do  with  the  jieats  ?  " 

"  I'm  going  to  Aberdeen  to  sell  them,"  was  the 
reply. 

"  What  do  you  get  for  them  ?  " 

"  One  shilling  and  eightpence,  sir." 

"  Indeed  !  Well,  I  will  buy  them,  if  you  will  be  sure 
to  deliver  them  for  me  at  Aberdeen." 

"  That  I  will,  and  thank  you,  too,  sir." 

All  agreed,  the  Scotchman  resumed  his  walk  for 
about  twenty  yards,  when  he  suddenly  turned  round 
and  said  :  "  By-the-by,  I  have  a  small  box  I  want 
taken  to  the  same  place.  You  can  place  it  on  the  top 
of  the  peats?  " 

"That  I  will,  and  welcome,  sir." 

"  Well,  if  you  will  call  at  the  lodge  in  the  evening,  I 
will  give  you  the  direction  for  the  peats,  and  you  can 
have  the  box  at  the  same  time." 

He  did  so,  and  actually  carried  the  box,  and  gave  a 
load  of  peats  for  one  shilling  and  eightpence,  although 
neither  the  same  man  nor  any  of  his  neighbors  would 
forward  the  box  alone  for  less  than  eight  shillings. 

Quaint  Old  Edinburgh  Ministers 

There  was  wee  Scotty,  o'  the  Coogate  Kirk ;  and  a 
famous  preacher  lie  was  at  the  height  o'  his  popularity. 
Hut  he  was  sadly  bathered  wi'  his  flock,  for  they  kept 
him  avc  in  het  water. 


21(5  Scotch  "emit  anD  Ibumor 

Ae  day  he  was  preaching  on  Job.  "  My  brethren," 
'says  he,  "Job,  in  the  first  place,  was  a  sairly-tried 
man  ;  Job,  in  the  second  place,  was  an  uncommonly 
j)atient  man  ;  Job,  in  the  third  place,  never  preached 
ill  the  Coogate  ;  fourthly  and  lastly,  had  Job  preached 
J/u'/f,  the  Lord  help  his  patience." 


At  anither  time,  before  the  service  began,  when 
there  was  a  great  noise  o'  folk  gaiin  into  their  seats, 
he  got  up  in  the  pu'pit  an'  cried  out—"  Oh,  that  I 
could  hear  the  pence  rattle  in  the  plate  at  the  door 
wi'  half  the  noise  ye  mak'  wi'  yer  cheepin'  shoon  ! 
Oh,  that  Paul  had  been  here  wi'  a  long  wudden  ladle  ! 
for  yer  coppers  are  strangers  in  a  far  country,  an'  as 
for  yer  silver  an'  gold — let  us  pray  !  " 


An'  there  was  Deddy  Weston,  wha  began  ane  o' 
his  Sunday  morning  services  in  this  manner:  "My 
brethren,  I'll  divide  my  discourse  the  day  into  three 
heads  :  Firstly,  I'll  tell  ye  something  that  I  ken,  an' 
you  dinna  ken.  Seco)idly,  I'll  tell  ye  something  that 
you  ken,  an'  I  dinna  ken.  Tliirdly,  I'll  tell  ye  some- 
thing that  neither  you  nor  me  ken.  Firstly,  Coming 
ower  a  stile  this  luornin',  my  breeks  got  an  unco' 
skreed.  That's  something  that  I  ken,  an'  you  dinna 
ken.  Secondly,  What  you're  gaun  to  gie  Charlie 
Waddie,  the  tailor,  for  mendin'  my  breeks,  is  what 
you  ken,  an'  I  dinna  ken.  Tliirdly,  What  Charlie 
Waddie's  to  tak'  for  mendin'  my  breeks,  is  what 
neither  you  nor  me  ken.  Finally  and  lastly,  Hand 
round  the  ladle." 


An'  there  was  Doctor  Dabster,  that  could  pit  a 
bottle  or  twa  under  his  belt,  an'  was  neither  \\\)  nor 
down.  But  an  unco'  bitter  body  was  he  when  there 
was  a  sma'  collection.  Before  the  service  began,  the 
beadle  generally  handed  him  a  slij)  of  paper  stating 
the  amount  collected.  Ae  day  a'  the  siller  gathered 
was  only  twa'  shillin's  an'  ninepence  ;  an'  lie   could 


Scotcb  mix  anO  Ibumor  217 

never  get  this  out  o'  Iiis  head  through  the  whole  of 
his  sermon. 

He  was  aye  spunkin  oot  noo  an'  then.  "  It's  the 
land  o'  Canawn  ye're  thrang  strivin'  after,"  says  he  ; 
"  The  land  o'  Canawn,  eh  ? — twa  an'  ninepence  !  yes, 
ye're  sure  to  gang  there  !  I  think  I  see  ye  !  Nae  doot 
ye'll  think  yersel's  on  the  richt  road  for't.  Ask  yer 
consciences,  an'  see  what  they'll  say.  Ask  them,  an' 
see  what  they'll  say.  Ask  them,  an'  what  7m II  they 
say?  I'll  tell  ye  :  '  Twa  miserable  shillin's  an'  nine- 
pence  is  puir  passage-money  for  sic  a  lang  journey  ! ' 
What  ?  Twa-an'-ninepence  !  As  weel  micht  a  coo 
gang  up  a  tree  tail  foremost,  an'  whistle  like  a  super- 
annuated mavis,  as  get  to  Canawn  for  that !  "    [26] 


(5lo0sar^ 


-»*S€S«* 


Aa.-  I. 

Aboon.    Above. 
Ae.    One. 

Atr  Off. 

Afll.    Afoot. 

Aiblins.    Perhaps,  possibly. 

Ain.    Own. 

Ane.    One. 

A'thegither.    Altogether. 

A  uchleenpence.  Eighteenpence. 

AuQht.     Kight. 

An'ld.    Old. 

Ava.    At  all. 

Avm.    Own. 

Aye.    Always. 

Babble-ment.  Confusion. 

Bairns.    Children. 

Bailh.    Both. 

Bane.    Bone. 

BaiUd.    Bold. 

Bawbee.    A  half-penny. 

Begond.    Began. 

Belyve    Immediately,  quickly. 

Be7i.  Towards  ;  towards  the 
inner ; the  inner  room  of  a 
house. 

B!ate,  bhiit.    Bashful. 

Blinkil.    Flashed,  glanced. 

Birkies.    Lively  young  fellows. 

Blade.    Blood. 

Bobslianks     Knees. 

Braes.    The  sides  of  hills. 

Braik.    Break. 

Bratv.  Fine,  gay,  worthy, 
handsome. 

Bree.    Soup,  sauce,  juice. 

Brig     Bridge 

Brocht.    Brought. 

Broi^e  A  kind  of  pnttage  made 
by  pouring  hot  water  on 
oatmeal  and  .stirrin-r  while 
the  water  is  poured. 


Buck]/,     Hind  quarters  (of  a 

hare). 
Buits.    Boots. 
Buss.    Kiss. 

Canny.     Cautious,     Pru- 
dent. 

Cantrip.    Charm,  spell,  trick. 

Carle,  carl.  A  man,  as  disting- 
uished from  a  boy. 

Carline.    An  old  woman. 

Caxdd.    Cold. 

Caup,    Cup,  wooden  bowl. 

Chapping.    Striking. 

ChaiCders.  Denoting  large 
quantities. 

Cheekil.     Entrapped. 

Chiel.  A  stripling,  a  fellow,  a 
servant. 

Clmat.    What. 

Clachan.    Clan. 

Claes.    Clothes. 

Clan     Tribe. 

Con'le-licht.    Candle-light. 

Coo.    Cow. 

Caddy.    Donkey. 

Crackit.    Cracked. 

Crand.    Grand. 

Craw.     Crow. 

Crouse.    Boldly,   lively,  brisk. 

Custri7i     Silly. 

Cidtics.    Short  spoons. 

Dae.     Do. 

Daft.      Foolish,    gay,     giddy, 

wanton. 
Dnunder     To  wander. 
Deavin'.    deafening. 
Dee.    Die. 
Deid.     Dead. 
Deil.    Devil. 
Ding.    To  beat. 


219 


220 


Olossarg 


Dinna.    Do  not. 

imiha.    Do  they. 

DocMcr.     Daughter. 

Douce.    Sedate,  sober. 

Doil.    Niiin.sk\ill. 

Doup.  Tile  breech,  the  bottom 
or  extremity  of  anything. 

Dour.  Bold,  inflexible,  obsti- 
nate, stern. 

Drap.    A  drop  ;  to  drop. 

Droukit.    Soaked. 

Droon't.    Drowned. 

Diib-shuuper.    Gutier-eleaner. 

Durdham.    Squabble. 

E'e.     Eye. 

E'en.    Eyes  ;  even. 
Eer.    Air. 
Eneuch.   Enough. 
E'eiiow.    Even  now. 
Exirornar.    Extraordinary. 

Faa'.     Fall. 

Fack.    Fact 

Ear  elsl  1    Where  is  it  ? 

Far  ivaii'lf    Where  was  it  ? 

Fa.'<h.    Trouble. 

Fatf    What? 

Fand.    Found. 

Faut.    Fault. 

Ftcht.     Fight. 

Feck.  A  term  denoting  space, 
quantity,  number  :  tin-  Jeck 
o'  them  means  "  the  most 
part  of  them." 

Feckled.    Made  weak. 

Feiiie.    Fine. 

Ferry.    Very. 

Fifi»h.    Somewhat  deranged. 

Flty,flcy.    To  frighten, 

Flit,  flijl.  To  change,  to  re- 
move, to  transport.  Com- 
monly used  of  changing 
one's  residence. 

Fluir.    Floor. 

Flyle,  F/yt(ji(js.  To  scold,  scold- 
ing. 

Fog.    Moss. 

Forebears.    Ancestors. 

Forril.     p'orward. 

Fortiiicht.     Fortnight, 

Foil'.  A  fool,  through  being 
drunk. 

Fon,  JiC.     Drunk,  full. 

Fouk.    Folk. 


Freena.    Friends,  relatives. 
Frcmil.    Strange. 
Fules.    Fools. 
Fund.    Found. 

Gaed.     Went. 

Gail.    Way. 

Gang.    Go. 

Gars.    Causes,  makes. 

Ganh.    Ghastly. 

Gav'd.    Made,  induced. 

Gey.  gay.    Moderately. 

Gicd.    Gave. 

Gin.     If. 

Glint.    Sight,  glimpse. 

Gou'd,  goud.    (iold. 

Gowk,  golk.    Cuckoo,  fool. 

G  reel  in' ,   greitin.    Crying,    the 

act  of. 
Grit,    Great. 
Grond.    Grand. 
Grup.    Grip. 
Gude,  guid.    Good. 
Gully.    A  large  knife. 

Hae.     Have. 

Haggis.  A  pudding,  made  in 
a  sheep's  stomach,  with 
oatmeal,  suet,  the  heart, 
liver  and  lungs  of  the 
sheep,  minced  down  and 
seasoned  with  salt,  pepper, 
and  onions,  and  boiled  for 
use. 

Hai.Ht.    Haste. 

Hale.    Whole. 

Haudin'.    Holding,  keeping. 

Haveril.  One  who  talks  habit- 
ually in  a  foolish  maimer. 

Heck,  hrcli,  liigh.  To  pant,  to 
breathe  hard  ;  an  exclama- 
tion which  expresses  a  con- 
dition of  breathlessness. 

Hriit.    Heail. 

JInnmrl.  A  cow  without  horns. 

H>t.     Hot. 

Jlifians.    Highlands. 

Hirple.  To  move  in  a  halting 
manner,  as  if  crippled  or 
momentarily  injured,  as 
by  a  blow. 

Hoo.    How. 

Hintnrr.     Hundred 

UiirdlKiiii.    Squatib'e. 

Haslriii,.    La-scivions. 


©lossars 


221 


Ilka,  ilk.     Every,  each. 

Intil,  intiU.    In,  into. 
InliCl.    Into  it. 

Jalouse.     Expect,   guess. 
Jaud.    Jade. 

Keeking,  keiking.  Look- 
ing with  a  prying  eye, 
peepins. 

Kame,  kaiii).  To  comb,  comb, 
honeycomb. 

Ken.  To  know ;  to  be  ac- 
quainted ;  to  understand. 

Kinlia.    Country. 

Kirk.    Church 

Kirseii.    To  christen. 

Laird.  A  man  of  superior 

rank ;  the  owner  of  a  prop- 
erty. 

Lang.    Long,  to  long  or  yearn. 

Lanysyne.    Long  since. 

Lawin\    A  tavern  bill. 

Leear.    Liar. 

LeeH.    Lies. 

Leeve.    Live. 

Lecving.    Living. 

Lippened.    Trusted,  depended. 

Li-thaU.  Lethal,  deadly,  mor- 
tal. 

Loon.    Clown,  fool. 

Lugs.    Ea  rs. 

Luni,  Itunb.    Chimney. 

Louring  drouth.    Thirst. 

Mair.     More. 

Mairrct.    Married. 

Maist.    Most. 

Maun.    Must. 

Meikle.    See  "  Muckle  " 

MicM.    Might. 

Mi.^ca'.    Miscall. 

Modiwarts.  modywarts,  moudic- 

worts.    Moles. 
Mon.    See  "  Maun." 
Muckle.    Much,  great. 
Mune.    Moon. 

Nit.     Nut. 

jN'oo.    Now. 

Ocht.     Ought. 

Oot.    Out. 


Parritch.     Porridge. 

Pawkih/.paukily.  Slily,  artfully. 

Pawpish.     Popish. 

Poother.     Powder. 

Pow.  The  head  ;  a  slow  rivu- 
let—one moving  on  lands 
nearly  flat. 

Provost.  The  mayor  of  a  burgh 
or  township. 

Puir.    Poor. 

Rale.     Real. 

Rcekit.    Smoked. 

RreUit.    Smoke-dried. 

Richt.    Rinht. 

Rippet.  A  difference  of  opinion 

such    as    to     estrange  ;    a 

quarrel. 

Sair.     Sore. 

Scart.  To  scratch ;  to  scrape 
money  together ;  to  scrape 
a  dish  with  a  spoon. 

Sclate,  sdait.    Slate. 

Scoonril.    Scoundrel. 

Sheltie.    A  Shetland  pony. 

Slioost.    Just. 

Sic.    Such. 

Sicht.    Sight. 

Siller.    Silver. 

Sink.    Think. 

Skalin'.  Dispersing,  retiring, 
spilling. 

Skelpin\    Clapping,  applause. 

Skirl.    To  cry  shrilly,  shriek. 

Sleekit.    Smooth,  shining,  oily. 

Sma' .    Small. 

Smiddy.  A  smith'sshop, smithy. 

SneeshiJi' .    Sneezing. 

Sooming.    Swimming. 

Sorners.    Spongers,  loiterers. 

Southrons.  Those  who  live  in 
the  south. 

Spier,  spcir.    To  ask. 

Spigot.    Peg,  vent-peg. 

Spune.    Spoon. 

Stane.    Stone. 

Strae.    Straw. 

Strathspeys.  A  dance  tune  for 
two. 

Steekit.    Closed,  shut  fastened. 

Sune.    Soon. 

Suppone.    Suppose. 

Syne.    Since. 


222 


0IO33arv> 


Tacket.    A  nail  of  a  shoe. 

Tae.    The  toe. 

Tacs.    Toes. 

Taigle.    Confound, 

Tauld.    Told. 

Thae.   Those  (just  referred  to). 

ThocM,  thoncht.    Thought. 

Thrang.  Busy,  pressed, crowded 

thronjred. 
Tift.    Coohiess,  estrangement. 
Tint.    Lost. 
Tooin.    Empty. 
Troiu.    To  believe. 
Tiva.    Two. 

Unco'.     Unknown,   very, 
extra. 

Wad.     Would. 


Wadna. 
Wame. 


Would  not. 
Once. 


Ware.     Trouble,  fuss. 

Wast.     Wot. 

Wean  {tvee-ane).    A  child,  little 

one. 
M'ee.  Small,  little,  a  short  time. . 
Weed.     Wild. 

Wersh.    Insipid  to  the  taste. 
Wha.    Who. 
Whaur.    Where. 
Whcen.    i^  number,  quantity, 

division. 
Whets.  What  is,  that  which  is 
Whilk.    Which. 
IIV.s.s.    To  wish. 
Worilt.     World. 
Wot.    To  know. 
Wov/.    Half-mad. 
Wild.     Would. 
Wull.     Will. 
Wunnering.    Wondering. 

Yestreen.     Last  night. 

Yirlh.    Earth. 


Out  of  School  Series 

It  is  the  intention  of  the  publishers  to  include 
in  this  series  only  the  best  copyright  stories 
for  boys  and  girls  by  well-known  popu- 
lar authors.     This  idea    has    been 
kept  in   mind    in    making    the 
selections,    and     we     can 
heartily      recommend 
any  or    all  of  the 
stories. 

A  Roman  Maiden 

By  Emma  Marshall,  author  of  •'  Fanny  and 
Her  Friends,"  "  Master  Martin,"  etc.,  etc. 
i2mo.  Cloth.  Illustrated.     $i.oo. 

A  quaint  story  of  the  fourth  century  which  maids 
of  the  twentieth  century  will  thoroughly  enjoy. 
Hyacintha  is  the  daughter  of  one  of  the  most  noble 
houses  of  Rome,  and  as  such  she  is  permitted  to  enter 
the  Temple  of  Vesta  as  a  Vestal  Virgin  ;  the  greatest 
honor  possible  to  a  daughter  of  Rome.  The  charm 
and  simplicity  of  life  in  the  Temple  of  Vesta  are 
beautifully  described,  and  a  tender  little  love  story 
gives  to  the  book  the  needed  touch  of  romance. 

The  Worst  Boy  in  Town 

Byjohn  Habberton,  author  of"  Helen's  Babies," 
"Phil  Fuzzytop,"  etc.,  etc.  Illustrated. 
i2mo.     Cloth.     $i.oo. 

What  Tom  Hughes  did  for  the  Rugby  boy,  Hab- 
berton has  in  this  volume  done  for  the  American 
village  lad.  The  book  is  manly  and  valuable. — A^ew 
York  Herald. 

The  ' '  worst  boy  ' '  is  simply  a  lad  whose  exuberant 
spirits  are  eternally  leading  him  into  pranks.  *  *  * 
A  pleasant  volume  for  the  Boys'  Library. — Detroit 
Free  Press. 


OUT  OF  SCHOOL  SERIES— Continued 


A  Little  Turning  Aside 

By  Barbara  Yechton,    author    of  "We    Ten," 

"  Derrick,  '   etc.    Illustrated.     i2mo.     Cloth. 

$i.oo. 

The  book  is  as  dainty 
and  charming  as  any  pub- 
lished in  years.  The  cover 
design  and  illustrations  are 
in  keeping  with  the  story  it- 
self.—  Troy  Daily  Times. 

We  recommend  the  book 
with  pleasure.  —  B  os  ion 
Cou7'ier. 

It  is  an  excellent  book 
for  girls,  old  and  young,  and 
should  find  a  place  in  every 
home. — Lutheran  Observer. 

A  bright  and  wholesome 
story.  —  The  Advance. 

The  Little  Ladies  of  Ellenwood 

And  Their  Hidden  Treasure.     By  Sarah  G.  Con- 
nell.  Illustrated.   i2nio.   Cloth.    $i.oo. 

A  delightful  story  for  young  people.  It  has  a 
freshness,  interest  and  purity  solely  its  own. — St.  Paul 
Dispatch. 

A  story  with  a  moral,  and  a  good  one  at  that. 
Well  and  entertainingly  told  and  the  characters  are 
ably  portrayed. — Burlington  Hawkey e. 

Sarah  G.  Connell  has  written  a  story  in  which  all 
the  children  will  delight.  It  tells  of  a  family  of  six 
children  who  had  been  reared  in  luxury  by  their 
loving  father,  and  how,  when  bankruptcy  darkened 
their  doors,  they  all  took  hold  to  make  life  in  their 
altered  circumstances  still  happy  and  all  the  more 
worth  living.  The  story  is  well  told,  and  there  is 
enough  fun  scattered  through  its  pages  to  make  the 
reading  joyously  interesting.  It  is  a  book  which  every 
child  will  enjoy. — Bostrn  Times. 

A  fresh  story  which  will  hold  the  attention  of 
young  folk,  especially  girls. — Living  Church. 


( 


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